What I seriously hate.....is the fact that.....as far as I know....I never questioned who I was/am gender wise. I never felt self conscious about myself as a female except my periods being irregular and my chest size being two different sizes. But now.....with this man in my life.....it just really sucks because....every time or most of the time I read out loud stuff I write about me loving him and the stuff I love....and almost every time I read it.....I cry.....and its like....is all of this questioning standing in my way of falling in love with him again or even falling in love with him....because he has been the one thing in my life who I have cried over....when he and I broke up I broke down crying despite the fact of my questioning....when he and I's friendship broke down or was off.....I broke down crying again.....and broke down crying days after that.....and he arouses me.....like.....when he and I really hug I sometimes feel it....when he holds my hand I feel it somehow.....when he messes with me at work I have moments of me feeling it.....and something I know is that....anime....is the one thing or one of the things in my life that I feel so much euphoria towards....I could honestly go on about it for hours...but the whole questioning of me and me love for him and my sexuality and my gender.....has not caused me euphoria....but stress and sadness...

Does he know you feel so strongly about him?

Quote from: Roll on November 12, 2017, 11:54:47 PM
Does he know you feel so strongly about him?

What do you mean I feel so strongly about him?

Yes, is it something he is aware of?

Quote from: Roll on November 13, 2017, 12:08:56 AM
Yes, is it something he is aware of?

No I am asking you what do you mean me feeling so strongly for?? I dont even now if I have fallen in love with him.

Quote from: BJ0909 on November 13, 2017, 12:11:19 AM
No I am asking you what do you mean me feeling so strongly for?? I dont even now if I have fallen in love with him.

I don't mean to say that you are in love with him, but you clearly feel strongly about him regardless--that doesn't have to be love necessarily. He seems to be your major focus right now, eliciting tears when other things aren't. Or is that you think you are focusing on him so you don't have to deal with feelings about the other issues you've mentioned? (Just trying to get a better picture of the situation with him, and with your feelings I guess.)

Quote from: Roll on November 13, 2017, 12:13:49 AM
I don't mean to say that you are in love with him, but you clearly feel strongly about him regardless--that doesn't have to be love necessarily. He seems to be your major focus right now, eliciting tears when other things aren't. Or is that you think you are focusing on him so you don't have to deal with feelings about the other issues you've mentioned? (Just trying to get a better picture of the situation with him, and with your feelings I guess.)

Oh no I am still dealing with the other situations......figuring out my feelings for him is completely a different subject....I dont cry over other men....I basically ignore other guys in the real world...this is my with him trying to know if I love him...many people in my life even him believe I do love him.

Quote from: Roll on November 13, 2017, 12:13:49 AM
I don't mean to say that you are in love with him, but you clearly feel strongly about him regardless--that doesn't have to be love necessarily. He seems to be your major focus right now, eliciting tears when other things aren't. Or is that you think you are focusing on him so you don't have to deal with feelings about the other issues you've mentioned? (Just trying to get a better picture of the situation with him, and with your feelings I guess.)

I have been dealing with if I love him for more than a year now.

Quote from: BJ0909 on November 13, 2017, 12:25:00 AM
I have been dealing with if I love him for more than a year now.

Is he still in your life at all? You mentioned something about breaking up and then no longer being friends?

Quote from: Roll on November 13, 2017, 12:29:51 AM
Is he still in your life at all? You mentioned something about breaking up and then no longer being friends?

Yes he and i work together

It's just really frustrating......I listen to Amazed by Lone Star and I cry sometimes. I read out loud how much I want to fall in love with him or why or how can I not fall in love with him and he is just so amazing. IDK if it is my medicine but....he is the one person in my life who I genuinely laugh with. I just miss being happy. I miss being a weirdo. *hugs* I  have listened to A Thousand Years by Christina Perri and I cry when I look at a picture of he and I together.

Maybe I am just crazy

Quote from: BJ0909 on November 14, 2017, 08:39:15 PM
Maybe I am just crazy

It's not crazy to not understand everything, everyone's been there. Questioning our feelings, our motivations, or just everything in general is extremely normal. It can be difficult to figure things out, and it can make you feel crazy trying to make sense of it all. And sometimes, we don't ever find an answer, or at least not the answer we were looking for. (The people of this forum know that feeling more than most I'd wager.)

Just keep working through it. If you get hung up on things with OCD and stuck a bit longer than you'd like, well, that's just an unfortunate reality we have to deal with at times dealing with being OCD. But you will find your way out of that maze eventually.

Quote from: Roll on November 14, 2017, 10:24:55 PM
It's not crazy to not understand everything, everyone's been there. Questioning our feelings, our motivations, or just everything in general is extremely normal. It can be difficult to figure things out, and it can make you feel crazy trying to make sense of it all. And sometimes, we don't ever find an answer, or at least not the answer we were looking for. (The people of this forum know that feeling more than most I'd wager.)

Just keep working through it. If you get hung up on things with OCD and stuck a bit longer than you'd like, well, that's just an unfortunate reality we have to deal with at times dealing with being OCD. But you will find your way out of that maze eventually.

You know whats sad. I read out loud the card he gave me the day he wanted to get back together with me last year.....and I cried reading it...

Quote from: Roll on November 14, 2017, 10:24:55 PM
It's not crazy to not understand everything, everyone's been there. Questioning our feelings, our motivations, or just everything in general is extremely normal. It can be difficult to figure things out, and it can make you feel crazy trying to make sense of it all. And sometimes, we don't ever find an answer, or at least not the answer we were looking for. (The people of this forum know that feeling more than most I'd wager.)

Just keep working through it. If you get hung up on things with OCD and stuck a bit longer than you'd like, well, that's just an unfortunate reality we have to deal with at times dealing with being OCD. But you will find your way out of that maze eventually.

I feel as if I may have feelings for him. But with everything going on.....it's like my heart won't let me feel it??

Quote from: BJ0909 on November 14, 2017, 11:26:09 PM
I feel as if I may have feelings for him. But with everything going on.....it's like my heart won't let me feel it??

You may just not be ready to deal with a deeper relationship with everything else, which makes perfect sense and is a very healthy approach.

Quote from: Roll on November 14, 2017, 11:48:59 PM
You may just not be ready to deal with a deeper relationship with everything else, which makes perfect sense and is a very healthy approach.

what do you mean a deeper relationship with everything else?

A deeper relationship (with him), while dealing with everything else.

Quote from: Roll on November 15, 2017, 12:15:10 AM
A deeper relationship (with him), while dealing with everything else.

I guess i just wonder how I can have a deeper relationship with him when all I am questioning is if I am gay, bi, trans, etc. If I was not worrying about all of this then I think I would have been with him by now. And also my questioning of my feelings for him too..

Does anyone here believe I do love him?