i'm feeling worse now than i've felt in the past year.  i've know idea whether its coming off my anti-anxiety meds or everything else, but it hurts so bad.  Its like everything that i've been struggling with has just all piled on, all at the same time.  its been a year since i first told my gp that i was trans, and its so frustrating cos a year ago i was telling myself that 'it'd all get better, just be patient and things will improve next year'.  But it feels like i'm going nowhere, i've been seeking help both nhs and privately, but still nothing seems to happen.  Its been 3 months since i last saw my psychiatrist (privately) and still i have to wait another month before he wants to see me again, to decide whether or not i am actually transsexual.  Its so frustrating.  maybe he'll prescribe hormones, but not knowing is killing me.

and then i'm also stressing about my uni work.  the deadline for my dissertation is coming up, which i still haven't finished researching, yet alone writing it up, and i have to give a presentation on it in a couple of weeks, which i'm dreading.  My confidence may have increased over the past year since coming out, but public speaking is too much right now.
and i'm barely coping financially as well.  Last year, I really didn't think i could cope without starting with transition, and so stupidly I started laser, and saw a psychiatrist privately and just ignored the fact that i was raking up loads of credit card debt.  Now i realise just how expensive cards are.  Yet i still am not sure that i did the wrong thing, considering how much i thought about suicide.  Making those positive steps seems the only thing that stopped me.

and i'm stressed about making friends and stuff.  I moved to nottingham 18 months ago, and though i made friends when i first moved here, its been hard keeping those friendships up.  I told them that i was trans, which they were completely fine with (though after a while in some cases), they seem far more judgemental that  i've suffered from anxiety.  Because i struggled with socialising, they thought i was rude and boring.  and i'm sure that they were right that i was being rude, its just so frustrating.
and since september, my new flatmates have been really busy doing their dissertations, that i haven't really gotten close to any of them.

i hate the person that i've become so much.  I was so shy growing up but then i worked so hard to gain confidence during sixth form, but now i feel like i'm back to square one.  i'm struggling so much now with every day life that i just don't know what to do anymore.  i'm struggling to cope so much.  it's like finally accepting i'm trans was the beginning of the hardest struggle i've ever been through, yet the greatest liberation at the same time.
my best friend is always there when i need to talk to someone, but it is difficult since she doesn't completely understand how it feels to be trans, and she gets really frustrated that she doesn't really know how she can help.  though her being there for me is an amazing comfort in itself, though she doesn't quite get that.

anyway, i'm really sorry for just moaning for so long.  i'd understand if you didn't read it all.  but just getting it of my chest helps, and its so great to have this forum.  I still don't really feel that i deserve to have anyone's support but it helps just to write down how i'm feeling.

jenny
x x

the deadline for my dissertation is coming up, which i still haven't finished researching, yet alone writing it up, and i have to give a presentation on it in a couple of weeks, which i'm dreading.

Yikes, it took me years to write mine, after years of doing the research.  My sympathy to you.  As someone with a Ph.D. I always tell people that if I really, really hated you, I'd tell you to get a doctorate.  Its the most perverse and bizarre form of masochism in the world. 

Now i realise just how expensive cards are.

In the bible they call it usury.  It was forbidden as a sin.  Perhaps the one thing the bible got right.

I still don't really feel that i deserve to have anyone's support but it helps just to write down how i'm feeling.

Yes, you do deserve support, to the degree that you give it to others.  But it does help.

PM me if you want to get into that grad school stuff, that much I do know.

Sorry to hear you're under alot of pressure Jenny!  It is a good feeling to get it all out and I hope everything goes well for you.  Good to have tekla on board to give you a hand.
Here's hoping in a months time all has fallen into place. 

Quote from: tekla on February 27, 2008, 10:27:28 PM
As someone with a Ph.D. I always tell people that if I really, really hated you, I'd tell you to get a doctorate.  Its the most perverse and bizarre form of masochism in the world. 

My experience tells me it isn't that bad, but you are right in that having periods of doubt and even depression are a part of the experience. Still, for me the fun times did outweigh the nasty periods.

So, Jenny, don't let it get to you too much. The hard times will pass, and eventually you'll have all those 'no sh*t, there I was' stories to tell.

Quote from: tekla on February 27, 2008, 10:27:28 PM
PM me if you want to get into that grad school stuff, that much I do know.

If you want another perspective, I'm available too (besides, it would give me some justification to read these forums during my office hours ). And yes, I agree that it would be a bit too off-topic (and possibly personal) for general forum discussion.

  Nfr

If you live i the U.K it is an uphill struggle trying to access treatment be it NHS or private......I know exactely where you are coming from Jenny..

Quote from: tekla on February 27, 2008, 10:27:28 PM
the deadline for my dissertation is coming up, which i still haven't finished researching, yet alone writing it up, and i have to give a presentation on it in a couple of weeks, which i'm dreading.

Yikes, it took me years to write mine, after years of doing the research.  My sympathy to you.  As someone with a Ph.D. I always tell people that if I really, really hated you, I'd tell you to get a doctorate.  Its the most perverse and bizarre form of masochism in the world. 
...
PM me if you want to get into that grad school stuff, that much I do know.

Thanks Tekla, sweetie.  I meant my undergrad dissertation though, not a phd thesis.  i didn't realise that everything had a different name in america (thanks wikipedia, lol!)
its just a one-year project so i'm hoping it doesn't take years to write  .

Posted on: February 28, 2008, 08:09:45 PM

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Quote from: Berliegh on February 28, 2008, 07:32:01 AM
If you live i the U.K it is an uphill struggle trying to access treatment be it NHS or private......I know exactely where you are coming from Jenny..

yeah.  i was naive enough to think that it'd be easy getting treatment privately.  the first thing that my psychiatrist (private) said was that he treated private patients the same as if they were nhs, and i should only expect to see him every 4months.
no offer of counselling from a specialist either.  the only counselling session (trans-related anyway) i had, she said that she didn't know how she could help because she knew far less about it than i did.
it's great to be british... (can't find a sarcastic smily but this one's cute so it'll do )

I'm sorry hon. I've also been struggling with the NHS for a while now, to no avail. In my case I suppose they have some justification since I'm not a citizen, but then again, I'm resident, and I do pay taxes and NI like everybody else.

After my GP basically all but threw me out of his office, I decided to bypass the hierarchy and contacted the NHS customer service line directly. I explained my situation as openly and truthfully as I could, which didn't get me very far, but eventually somebody on the other side of the line told me to contact the Department of Health directly and find out what my position and options are.

They referred me back to the people I spoke to in the FIRST place - customer services at my local PCT. Eventually though, by doggedly bugging the PCT on a daily basis, I seem to be making progress. A great guy at the PCT has been looking into whether the district would be able to fund me, and it does now seem that, if not much, they are willing to at fund initial consultations at Charing Cross via my GP - Antonio, the guy at the PCT, has been on the Practice Manager's case about how insensitive the GP was, and it now seems that things might be better there when I go for my next appointment, which I need to make tomorrow, as it happens.

So my advice - get in touch with your PCT directly. DON'T get upset. be friendly and understanding and patient no matter how much they post you around from one person and department to the next. I don't remember off-hand what the NHS customer care line number is, but I got it by walking into the nearest sexual health clinic and asking the receptionist if they could help me. Obviously not the right place, but she gave me the local PCT's number, and I went from there.

Good luck hon. I hope the NHS comes through for you soon.

My experience tells me it isn't that bad, but you are right in that having periods of doubt and even depression are a part of the experience. Still, for me the fun times did outweigh the nasty periods.

I agree, but in a unique manner, the good times are all front loaded, while all the doubt and depression (and extreme isolation) come at the end.  It took me a few years to get over it, after which I was not just fine, but better than ever.  But anyone who does it has a lot of sympathy for Sisyphus.