This site is just a small chunk of a much larger population, but even among the trans women I know, I feel very much like an outlier (now, at least). Femininity, for me, sometimes feels like a cage. And I understood this even prior to transitioning, because if makeup and clothes were all I had in order to present a female form, then I would in the end feel devastatingly artificial. Six months into HRT, I reveled in my ability to pass without the aid of such things. I had the privilege of choice between feminine and masculine styles. Now, two years, in, I present in a style that could be called "tomboyish" (something I've mentioned before). I am even considering cutting my hair short (emphasis on CONSIDERING because my hair is curly and will turn to corkscrews the shorter it gets... and I won't look good with a "poodle head" so it will require me to flat-iron it daily... ugh). I would love to meet someone in my position, or at least know that someone like me exists... I feel crazy a lot of the time because I feel like transitioning has allowed me to embrace my masculine attributes... the femininity was evident from the start, as was an evident attraction to masculine things (an people), however, gender dysphoria (or sex dysphoria, as it were), made engaging in such things deeply uncomfortable, because socially it reinforces and rewards those of my natal sex, to whom I felt no sense of belonging, so obviously I clung to my more feminine attributes as a way of escaping the cage of my sex. Now that I am out of the cage (mostly) I feel I can access both sides of myself, freely.

Am I getting too abstract?

Am I alone, or is this something that most people want?

Even a lot of cis people probably don't feel the way I do... it's probably why I relate best with gay women... the fluidity of gender expression is evident in that community. I can be as masculine/feminine as I want to be in any given moment.

Not crazy or abstract, just something more people in the "Non Binary Talk" forum would be able to relate too.

Even though I identify as a woman, I still feel as though I am a giver rather than a receiver. Every time I try and play the submissive role in a relationship it doesn't end well. Perhaps this is because of my inability to be fully submissive in such situations? Or am I just much more experienced playing the dominant role, and with further experience may be able to maintain a submissive stance in a long term relationship? I'm expecting lots of variables, but ultimately I'm still very much attracted to women, am a huge fan of giving rather than receiving, but I still enjoy receiving, it's just I'm not as good at it as I'd like to be. I know your post wasn't focused on sex, but for me, I feel there are some similarities. I feel as though I have the mind of a woman and the sex drive of a man, and I'm not completely bothered by it, if bothered at all. I'm mostly irritated at the fact that when I play the submissive role, the relationship goes south rather fast.

Allie, this makes sense to me and is perfectly relatable because this was somewhat similar to my experience. As a child, although I grew up with dolls, Barbies, tea party sets and such and could pretty much do what I wanted, I was still limited expressing myself fully as a girl. Some of the ways I did show the world who I was, was through not repressing my innate feminine personality, behaviors and interests because I really didn't know how to anyway and I was somehow allowed to start growing out my hair after the 2nd grade, which although was problematic, became a huge symbol for me.

I completely denied the masculine side of myself both consciously and unconsciously and avoided anything that I thought might be considered the least bit boy like. The thought of doing anything to give people the impression I was anything but a girl was abhorrent to me. I began transitioning in earnest at 15 and started HRT at 17 before my senior year of high school and as ridiculous as it now seems, had to be known as a (very strange) boy until I graduated and could go "full time".

Once I did and gained some agency, confidence and found my voice and strength as a young woman I also became less concerned and more comfortable with some of the more masculine traits I do have. Don't get me wrong, I still liked makeup, long hair and being pretty and still do but they became of lesser importance once I realized I could do anything I wanted to and still be seen as a girl. I discovered I had a high degree of mechanical aptitude and practical understanding of how things worked to go along with my creative and artistic attributes and came to greatly appreciate other women that broke some of the traditional gender stereotypes of the 70's when 2nd wave feminism was in full swing. By my early 20s', I'd also become less afraid of guys after my brutal and violent school years, started hanging out with them more and found out some of the things they were into were pretty cool.

I discovered a passion for some types of motorsports and motorcycles. When my car finally broke down, I started riding motorcycles which is typically considered more of a guy thing but I had tons of women friends that also rode and really got into it. Perhaps a bit eccentric or just weird, it didn't make me masculine which is pretty much all I cared about. I would have never had this confidence when I was younger.

To not write a novel, through motorcycling is how I met my husband.

I completely see where you're coming from. It took until I became a girl for me to discover my tomboy side and reach a comfortable and healthy balance of both. It doesn't embarrass me that I'm handy or can ride a motorbike. I'm perfectly traditional and binary otherwise and think it's stupid that we gender code behaviors and attributes anyway

I'd say you're well on your way to becoming a whole person.

If you mean that transitioning has meant you feel (paradoxically) more relaxed with masculine aspects of your behavior or personality whereas before you didn't then I would say that's something I "get".

The aversion toward female "things" was something I had before HRT. While I haven't seen a significant shift toward enjoying things I never particularly enjoyed or has interest in, I have noticed a loss of dysphoria toward some things. For example, I preferred short hair before; now that I am transitioning I don't have nearly so much aversion toward it growing longer. I'm not as bothered about the perceived "male or femaleness" of a hairstyle. Some might say that is paradoxical. I just think it's a result of being more relaxed in general, as the HRT removed the stress associated with most of these minor things. There are other things I could go into but you get the idea.

I think it's important to remember that men and women (different as they are) are still more similar than they are different, and nobody has 100% "feminine" or "masculine" traits all round. Aspiring to that idea would become a cage for anyone.

Allie, I don't think you are crazy. In my case, for example, I am very early in my transition but have never felt the need to wear dresses and be ultra feminine in my presentation. When I picture how I want to be, I sometimes fantasize about being super girly but most of the times lately about being just a regular chill girl. And that's probably where I am heading in real life. I don't want to leave the cage of being the man people expected me to be just to get into another cage to being the woman others expect me to be o to conform to others' standards.

Your gender expression and exploration is completely valid and it doesn't make you less feminine. Be proud of who you are and the fact that you can pass and be you.

Not crazy at all. I'm enjoying as femme as possible at the moment, but I easily picture myself settling into more generic, gender-neutral nerd style like I've always done. With vastly different underwear.

Quote from: Charlie Nicki on November 16, 2017, 09:04:41 AM
Allie, I don't think you are crazy. In my case, for example, I am very early in my transition but have never felt the need to wear dresses and be ultra feminine in my presentation. When I picture how I want to be, I sometimes fantasize about being super girly but most of the times lately about being just a regular chill girl. And that's probably where I am heading in real life. I don't want to leave the cage of being the man people expected me to be just to get into another cage to being the woman others expect me to be o to conform to others' standards.

Your gender expression and exploration is completely valid and it doesn't make you less feminine. Be proud of who you are and the fact that you can pass and be you.

This is exactly how I feel. It's important to express who you are and enjoy what you enjoy. Some Women love martial arts and contact sports. Some Men love to cut hair and work in the beauty industry. Be true to thyself.

Hon, no, you're not crazy.

For some, gender can come and go in waves, from some to none, from one type to another, you just have to find a way for you to be comfortable with yourself, if that's tomboyish, then that's fine, if it's masculine for some of the time, then dress how you feel.

I'm sure Devlyn is around somewhere, it would be good for her to chime in here


Rowan

Puting makeup, having long hairs, using nail polish ... how much of this really is being feminine and not just a construction diktated by our societies ? Not so long ago, men used to wear wigs and powdered their faces...