I don't exist, at least not yet. My best friend says otherwise but I never felt like I had any identity or personality at all. I have no real skills, hobbies or strong desires. I feel completely and totally detached from my life in a physical and emotional sense. I never developed a male 'mask' but I also haven't been able to develop a female one yet. I really don't know how to make friends or acquire a new skill or craft a distinct personality. All my life I have been playing 'catch up' to everyone else, from body to education to emotional development and maturity.

And so I am about to begin transition and see an opportunity to craft the person I have always wanted to be out of clay while it is still wet but I lack the understanding of how to do so. I have no role models and only a few fancies of how to accomplish such a thing. So in general I am confused and lost and pretty alone. Where do you go to learn how to be a person?

To be honest, that sounds more than just GID, it may be that you need to adopt fake personas to uncover the real you.

I can't answer that except to say that you never become who you are by trying to be someone else.

i reckon it is a good way of finding where you lie, if really you have as little idea as you say you have...however to have so little clue sounds like either a bad day, melodrama, or an even more serious psychological problem.

I probably do exaggerate alittle bit. I just tend to over think things and I have been questioning myself for so long I don't know where I stand anymore.

Quote from: CassandraR on February 25, 2008, 09:26:57 PM
Where do you go to learn how to be a person?

That seems to be the core question.  And it goes far beyond GID.

You might want to come up with a list of your likes and dislikes.  They don't have to be STRONG likes and dislikes, they just have to listed.

Then you need to explore activities associated with the likes.  That may help you define part of yourself.

Counseling may help too.

Oh, if you watch a lot of TV, consider shutting it down for a while and going to see the world in person.  Television can present a lot of mind fluff that isn't useful for finding yourself.

Cassandra's Manual of Social Interaction!

1. Cassandra always makes a bad first impression.
2. She also needs to learn that pouring out one's heart and soul in an introduction is probably not the best thing. Need more substance and less emotion.
3. She needs to learn not to speak in the third person.

Sorry for being overly dramatic. I am pretty confused and lost on the whole thing but I probably came no too strong with my poor writing style!

I went to the doctor to get some blood tests today too. Hope they turn out well.

Honestly, you don't find an identity.  You have to create your own identity.  So start by asking yourself, "What kind of person do I want to be?  What kind of person can I be?"  Later you will take your answers and negotiate with the people you interact with to see if they will allow you have that identity, and adjust it as needed.  Start by negotiating with us; we're pretty open to all the possibilities.

Quote from: CassandraR on February 26, 2008, 08:53:26 AM
Cassandra's Manual of Social Interaction!

1. Cassandra always makes a bad first impression.
2. She also needs to learn that pouring out one's heart and soul in an introduction is probably not the best thing. Need more substance and less emotion.
3. She needs to learn not to speak in the third person.

Sorry for being overly dramatic. I am pretty confused and lost on the whole thing but I probably came no too strong with my poor writing style!

I went to the doctor to get some blood tests today too. Hope they turn out well.

It was stream of consciousness posting.  I'm guessing that you were REALLY down when you posted it and you hit on all of the points that were getting you down.

It is a good start at getting down to the roots of the problem set.  And your 'Manual' posting shows that you can indeed think rationally when dealing with your problems, so there is hope.

ah, i was just worried for you. Anyone who can be detached enough to talk third person about themselves has some hope of refining their shape a bit.
I don't have many role models...maybe you could list the qualities you admire in others. might be a start.

Hmm, where to start?

I've been told that you learn the most about yourself and others in the face of adversity.  But as far as molding yourself, that's a tricky job.  Chances are you haven't been locked in a closet for most of your life so I'm sure you've had a plethora of experiences.  And those experiences taught you nothing of yourself?   Ah, they led to the manual of social interaction.  The problem is, I don't think we can consciously flesh out our own character.  We can try to adopt qualities we admire, but who we are, what we like, how we react to stimuli, our fears, etc, those are usually evolved over the course of our lifetimes.  Here's a tip, don't be afraid to try out different things.  Try smiling a lot, or frowning a lot.  Try being the weird person who wears stripes and checkers and runs for no particular reason.  Try everything, and you may find yourself.

That's my $0.02 

Well I have always been this really shy and reclusive type person. Lived as a virtual hermit for far too long. Never really did much of anything. Hrm. As far as the identity I would like to construct being a sporty tomboy has always appealed to me. Very weird that I have become much more masculine and feminine as I move towards transition. I definitely need to be female but as far as gender role I think I would of been mostly in the middle had I been born female. Never really had the urge to cross-dress because I am comfortable in male clothing, just the body that bothers me.

I am a pretty small person, maybe alittle tall. Around 5'9 in height but horribly underweight at 107. Gained a few pounds since I been going to the gym at my college and trying to eat more but my stomach is like a blast furnace when I try to draw fat out of a meal.  Been doing a lot of exercising and trying to find some physical hobbies. I like the yoga classes pretty well and I went to an Aikido class last night that I thought was fun. Probably going to look into the prospect of learning soccer because soccer girls are cute.

Aikido is a good art to learn, especially for a transperson who is introverted.  I think soccar is also good, because you have to learn to be part of the team.  Being a tomboy is good.  Go for it.

I'm fighting the same problem, Cassandra.  In fact, I started with a new therapist yesterday just to get a fresh look at the problem, since the identity issues and GID are so intermingled.  (I finally quit lying to myself, too, and faced the truth of the matter.) 

I would suggest, that if you can afford it, to go to a therapist and explore your identity first.  The acitivities that you and others have suggested can't hurt anything.  The therapist would just be there to help guide your thoughts and help form them into "self-realizations". 

Mine said that I need to get my identity issues straightened out first, then decide if I need to transition.  In my heart, I know that he's right, because it will take all I have to transition and I need to be sure. 

Carol

Quote from: carol_w on February 27, 2008, 09:45:29 AM
I'm fighting the same problem, Cassandra.  In fact, I started with a new therapist yesterday just to get a fresh look at the problem, since the identity issues and GID are so intermingled.  (I finally quit lying to myself, too, and faced the truth of the matter.) 

Well, ya.  Everyone's gender identity is an important part of their identity.  The salience of that part will vary as your circumstances change.