I am at a crossroads, i thought once i transitioned and got myself looking correct i would go stealth and thats what i did i said goodbye to everyone.  now my spouse and my kids know but no one else until recently when my wife brought up the idea of having GCS i was reluctant because it seems like a pipe dream.

it entails seeing an endo (instead of self medication) and seeing my therapists now i have all my letters and as of this week all my documents say female yayy me . 

my dillema is the more i have to interact with the community ( the clinc i go to is for LGBT people) the more its kind of nice not to feel alone.  i always thought i wanted to live stealth and stay that way, but i realize that my feelings maybe changing i see trans people more on tv and even a girl i work with who always says she would like to meet another trans girl ( i just ignore that) i have let myself fall back into a state were i feel ashamed of who i am because i am not out.  Thats my feelings being stealth is great but its so stressful lying and making up a back story. 

i worry constantly about my behavior or my voice or my look etc... i miss not letting more people in.  Maybe one day i could run for political office or do somthing great but i am terrified that if i do well and people are shining a light on me ill be exposed.  Heck i dont even want a promtion for fear of more human interaction were the pressure is high.

I know this was long i just wanted to vent.  i know stealth is a luxury but i have begun to feel im not living my truth.

Thank you
lil

I can relate to what you are saying.  It is exactly for the reasons in your post that I have never tried to go stealth.  To me, it would feel like going back into another closet. 

I really hated the time I was part-time, because I had to keep changing back into guy clothes and keep secrets.  I knew very early on in that process that I couldn't do that for very long.  It lasted less than a year.

One of the things I like the most about being full-time is that I can just be me warts (etc) and all.  People probably "clock" me all the time, and I don't have to care, because it is no secret.

Thanks for your post.  It gives me a new perspective on stealth.  I always thought it would be the end goal for me.  However, the inclusiveness and happiness I've achieved from interactions with other trans people I wouldn't trade for anything.  It's also made me realize I may never reach stealth, and if I can be happy as a trans woman, and be accepted by others, that is just as good, maybe better.

Bari Jo

I used to have those same anxieties about living stealth but things have changed for me since then.

If you feel a greater affinity for other trans people, then by all means, go be with them. I don't really identify much with the trans community, so I don't feel a great loss not participating.

When I transitioned I did so with the intent of living my life as the opposite sex. Now that that has been mostly accomplished I feel happy living the rest of my life as someone who is "practically cis".

It's up to you to decide. Do what makes you happy.

My truth is not being a man or a woman. For me there's no closet, no hiding. I live my truth, and it feels great.

Hugs, Devlyn

I had started out with the expectation that I might live in stealth if I were to transition, what seemed to be a perfectly reasonable thing for an early stage, late life transitioner who had lived as an extreme introvert with very little social interaction.

I discovered as I transitioned and peeled away the male facade I had lived behind for a half century that the asocial introvert was part of the facade, not me, and my actual personality is rather extrovert, bordering on manic pixie girl.  That makes stealth a bit less likely.

I also discovered that my extrovert nature also drives me to activism, in the interest of protecting what I now identify with as my extended family, transgender and gender nonconforming people.  I'm doing my transition very much in public, here, on social media, and out in front of a 500 member church congregation and several hundred local club and organization members.  Again, trying to be stealth makes that more difficult.

By not going stealth, I might be able to get away with not needing FFS, trach shave, breast augmentation, and hair restoration, a significant set of expenses.  Then again, I might just need this to hold dysphoria at bay and be really, truly accepted as a woman.  Time will tell.

There are drawbacks, of course.  By being openly trans, identifying as a femme lesbian, and being an older person, the odds for dating or romance are approximately 0%.  (YouGov survey data for cis lesbians 55 and older likely or very likely to be open to a romance or sex with a transwoman.)  I knew this going into transition.  It may be the biggest reason to be stealth.  Maybe I'll eventually find someone like me.  (Odds work out to a once in 300 years event.)  Meh. M... E... H...   I'll just live my life, OK?

So, no stealth for me.


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I popped open Pandora's Box and started transition just a few months ago not really thinking about the future. I've always been a woman but was hidden for 50yrs in male stealth mode. Now I'm free and I don't care who knows who I was before!

I am glad that so many of you are able to find happiness and support among your own.

I say this with the caveat that my real world experience is completely nil, but I believe it doesn't have to be either or. I love interacting with everyone here, and I don't intend to go full stealth (if its even ever an option), but at the same time I'm not a "pride parade" type of person and don't plan to just surround myself with other trans people 24/7. I believe you can certainly be out to those who matter and not hide who you are, while at the same time still not announcing it to everyone. There's more to what I'm thinking, but I don't know how to put it into words.

Quote from: Devlyn Marie on November 08, 2017, 07:40:37 PM
For me there's no closet, no hiding.

But... where do you keep your clothes and hide from monsters?

I think we see this here over and over.  Lots of us (a big ME included) thought somehow we could go halfway.  Usually, I think, in order to avoid the issues we face with "going all the way".  I know I said it and my wife liked to hear that maybe there'd be a "me" she could at least sometimes recognize and it'd be easier for her to accept and in my mind more likely to not loose something dear to me.  Well, it didn't take too long for me to have to say to her "Sorry Hon, I love you but just can't do it.  I know that now."  Scared the hell out of me, but she told me she didn't think I could all along.  Wasn't being mean in the least, she said that she could just see how happy I was each time I went closer to how I really felt and was seeing it become so natural that she pointed out girl things she saw me doing I didn't even realize.  It's pretty sobering how strong the need to be who we really are is.  It's different for everyone, but don't feel like you failed or you're weak.  You've just come to a point that many others have come to and are learning more about yourself.  Toni

This subject has some very strong views on this forum. I live in  very TG friendly country, Thailand. My views only reflect my experience in Asia. I understand that some need stealth for their own safety. Others feel that they are females and completely reject, even after transition and srs that they had a life as a male.

I only know Thailand and what mental practioners consider necessary for a healthy mental life. You are correct that living a lie is not healthy mentally. Its not interacting with other tgs, but being true to oneself.

Most of my friends are cis but being very gregarious I also know well over 100 tgs and this grows each year. I too originally thought of stealth but now 2yrs after srs I am an advocate abd a proud member of our community.

I state the above in reference to my views living in Thailand only.

I apologize for taking so long to respond! i wanted to tgink about everyones responses.  im not sure that i know what i want to do but i appreciate all the helpful advise.  I do not wish to discourage any one from living stealth if they want to, its fufiling and amazing but you do loose some of the connections that you may have with the LGBT community.  i decided i probally will stay semi stelth for now but maybe one day i wont feel embarrassed for  being trans (just my feelings)

Thank you
Lil