Hello everyone. I'm working towards starting HRT in a month or so, and I'm finding it more and more difficult switching between my male self and my female self. I've gotta be male to go out into the world and get stuff done, and then finally at home I get to relax and be the truer me. The me who wears pink pajamas and lipstick. The me who's sensitive and more centered. Of course this issue has been there for a while but now it's becoming a problem. I feel like a ping pong ball and would really like to have a more peaceful existence. Any of this normal? Input/suggestions would be appreciated!

Yes, it sounds all too familiar.  I only lasted about nine months like that and then I had to go full-time.  Obviously, the timing is something only you can determine, but full-time is the only solution I can think of.

Yup,  I spent 18 months in that place,  with it only getting harder.
Try to keep your eye on the long term goals and just get through this part as best you can,  distractions can help. X

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Thanks so much for validating this for me, KathyLauren and Megan. I'm especially worried about being with family at Thanksgiving - everyone only knows me as the person I'm trying to leave behind. I'm even nervous about being around male relatives! A total surprise. If full-time is the best solution it's going to be a long long winter   

Hi Lindy and welcome to the forum sister!!!

I was on a fairly fast track with my transition but during the time that I was fulltime femme except at my work 4 days a week... It got harder and harder to handle.... A lot of Sunday night crying when I would set out my work clothes for the next day

I think after a lifetime in the prison of my male life.. It quickly became impossible to return to my cell after seeing the amazing world outside the prison walls!

Most all of us have dealt with this and you will be okay... All will be well sister... Amazing things lay ahead for you!!!

Onward we go brave girl!!!

Ashley 😀

Maybe it could help you to be adapting your daily outfits to a more androgynous clothing (In my case, it is a very girlish androgynous  )

I also still have to present myself to society, and thus express myself, as male, so letting my real self speaks loud makes me feel very happy and cool about going full-time only in the future.

I wear a lot of pink (t-shirts, blouses, sneakers, bracelets), almost only skinny jeans, and lots of girly stuff.

General society still addresses me as a guy, but I know I am a girl even if other don't see it yet. And that's what really matters to me.. 

This me on typical "male days":


Yeah I know sometimes I overpink like a child girl. But I really love this color! 

Overpink, I  love that!

+1 for you. 

Hugs, Devlyn

Quote from: Annushka on November 21, 2017, 05:37:47 PM
Maybe it could help you to be adapting your daily outfits to a more androgynous clothing (In my case, it is a very girlish androgynous  )

I also still have to present myself to society, and thus express myself, as male, so letting my real self speaks loud makes me feel very happy a really matters to me.. 

I have also started the androgynous approach to presenting in public. I have started feeling a lot happier with myself and slowly building up the confidence to dress more and more the way I want to to be me /Chloe. xx

Id have full blown panic attacks every night before the work week began and Id have to scramble to remove nailpolish or acrylics, shower and take off leftover makeup, a few times Id fallen asleep and had to do that mad dash in the morning last minute to 'normalize' (disguise) myself for work that day.. Nothing like wearing a uniform to work even when there isnt a dress code..

More than a few times I got clocked for eyeliner residue remaining, Though I'd plainly explain that I was a very different person at home..

Now Im the same everywhere and I dont know what I worried so much about. 90% of the people Ive came out to knew all along, some even longer than I did, and wondered what took me so long. >.<

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Quote from: Lindy Lou on November 21, 2017, 03:39:59 PM
Hello everyone. I'm working towards starting HRT in a month or so, and I'm finding it more and more difficult switching between my male self and my female self. I've gotta be male to go out into the world and get stuff done, and then finally at home I get to relax and be the truer me. The me who wears pink pajamas and lipstick. The me who's sensitive and more centered. Of course this issue has been there for a while but now it's becoming a problem. I feel like a ping pong ball and would really like to have a more peaceful existence. Any of this normal? Input/suggestions would be appreciated!

I think most of us have been there. I'm in the middle of that now - realizing the stronger urge to go full time (or at least more time) femme, and all the stress that goes with playing the middle.

My wife used to have a good chuckle at me - "you know, most women don't put on makeup and high heels to stay home" - but it was my chance to let Sarah shine! And as I've become more comfortable as Sarah I keep wanting to push her further into the "Dave Zone" - I keep redefining when I "have to" be male, which then scares the crap out of me because I realize that I'm on a track to eliminating the Dave Zone entirely, and making it full time Sarah, and that's a lot of changes I don't know I'm ready for.

What can I say, it's an emotional roller coaster of a ride! :-D

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It's called transition for a reason. Not only the physical side but the mental side as well.  It does suck having to go back and forth between the two.  Going full time is the only way to solve it but that comes with it's own issues.  Like what shoes should I wear with this dress or skirt.

I'm still in that mode and it sucks, big time.  I'm a work at home attorney and I have to go to court two to three mornings a week, and those days when I have to put the man suit on are the worst ones.  I usually have my panic attacks in the car on the way to court -- TMJ flare ups and chest pains from my esophagus.

I also have to partially butch up for some of my wife's friends that I am not out to yet, and I wear a men's t shirt or sweatshirt over skinny jeans for that.  No panic attacks but being in that mode makes me grumpy and irritable -- and I get stared at.  I just cannot pass for male in casual dress any more.

I am getting ready to file my official name and gender change, and when that goes through then I can change my name and gender with the state bar, and then I can appear in court as me and put an end to this rigamarole.

Quote from: Annushka on November 21, 2017, 05:37:47 PM
Maybe it could help you to be adapting your daily outfits to a more androgynous clothing (In my case, it is a very girlish androgynous  :icon_lol[emoji4]

I also still have to present myself to society, and thus express myself, as male, so letting my real self speaks loud makes me feel very happy and cool about going full-time only in the future.

I wear a lot of pink (t-shirts, blouses, sneakers, bracelets), almost only skinny jeans, and lots of girly stuff.

General society still addresses me as a guy, but I know I am a girl even if other don't see it yet. And that's what really matters to me.. 

This me on typical "male days":


Yeah I know sometimes I overpink like a child girl. But I really love this color!  [emoji6]

Pink! Love it!! Too old for it but. Can't help it.

But to get to the question. You can read some of my posts. My last long one is about some of this. But all my shoes are women's. All my undies. Camisole. I can not go with out wearing a cami. It just feels weird. You can get a natural Female manicure. Nobody said anything when they were French. Women's jeans, shorts and some tops. You can do a lot and still look male enough for society. Just have to dial it down for around family until your out. But yes it sucks. We should not have to worry. We should be accepted for who we are in the inside. Not for what is on the outside. What's on the outside does not change who we are. You are you. I am me. How does what we wear change that. Still have not figured out why.


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Quote from: Phoenix1742 on November 22, 2017, 02:24:10 PM
My wife used to have a good chuckle at me - "you know, most women don't put on makeup and high heels to stay home"

This made me laugh and I can sure relate. I wear women's pajamas - in shades of pink - at home, along with makeup. I'm surrounded by farmers and my greatest fear is having one of them knock on my door!! Yikes I agree that the androgynous look is a good way to present to the world and I've been trying to push the envelop as much as I can. I recently bought a a thick, cotton pink hat at a second hand store that I just love. (Only $2!) I've got my eye on some vintage necklaces that are ruby red and I will buy them soon. Fortunately I'm retired and don't have to struggle with the work world. I applaud anyone who's still employed for their perseverance and courage. I'm not sure if I could do it.

Hugs
Lindy Lou

Part time only lasted a bit over 2 months for me.  Since I travel for work it made things even more annoying having to pack for two and having mismatched IDs.  Going completely full time was a massive relief. 

At present I can be either or to the outside world, through I much prefer leaving the male me behind. Work has been 100% accepting so its all good there. The neighbors and community are good, we recently moved out this way so no one knows any different. At home I still I have 2 1/2 weeks of living alone till everyone gets back and the thought of having to be very careful and try not to present too many changes is starting to create to some major feelings of almost physical illness. The more I find vibrant and beautiful person I left  in a little black cell marked 'not allowed' for over 30 years the less I want to go back. She is filling me up and won't let go anymore - I don't want her to.

Still, two weeks too discuss and develop a plan for surviving the holidays and keeping my relationship intact enough that we can live under the same roof at least. God gave me the courage to accept myself, and will provide a way forward out of this little mess as well. I have to have faith in that!

Colleen - that's sooo true when you do some travel for work.  Dbl packing is crazy and it's a pain.  Generally, living in both worlds is a pain and can be very difficult.  It's time consuming too. 

Like many have said or indicated, the hardest times are when you're just starting.  What was really difficult was the "full time RLE" before hormone tx could start.  Ugh  I think most will find it will get better as they move forward and go through hormone therapy and begin to reach a point where making that switch to real full time is the necessary next step.  Scary step...but necessary.

Very time consuming.  It was also super awkward when I got to the point where even TSA drones were starting to mention that I looked nothing at all like my driver's license or passport.

You want super awkward? Try having your breasts fall out of your suitcase after you get flagged by TSA in the security line. :-D

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Eeeek!