Not.
I do not know how I am going to hold it all together without breaking down and crying every 10 minutes or killing myself while living like this until I get to where I can leave and survive. I just can't say screw it and do what I want. I have to bend to her rules.
Better and easier not to have my nails done. No matter how much I love them. Every-time I do, I get the inspection for no colors and to make sure they are short. It's almost worth it but not quite. And still have not found a salon where I feel comfortable in. So screw it no nails. The most I am going to get is underwear and unisex looking clothing and maybe a little touch of fem.
I don't know why I go to the place I am right now. But I do when this stuff happens. I purge. But I don't throw it away. I take down anything girly and keep it out of sight until I feel like I can bring it back little by little without losing it. I guess knowing I have limits on how far I can go just make me want to cry for a while. And I stop wearing anything that feels right. Kind of like I am punishing myself for the way she treats me. But I just can't stand it. So it's only been a day and I will be back wearing my under clothes. It's just pisses me off that she allows it and even in the laundry. But if she is doing wash and she touches a bra or my under wear. She acts like it's contaminated with something. So humiliating. It why I insist on doing laundry. And when she goes to do any laundry I almost have a nervous breakdown. What really pisses me off is that she in the beginning bought me be a bra and panty set for Christmas. And if we go shopping she lets me buy tops, shorts, pants, camisoles, underwear and all kinds of female clothing as long as it's under regular male clothing or is those pieces you can't tell without really looking that it's female.
The total funny thing is she never says anything about anything. Once she has her way. Everything is back to normal like nothing is going on. Like all of a sudden I am not trans anymore. When I have breasts and I am getting electrolysis. I also am on full dose HRT.
I just can not believe all this started because of pink finger and toe nails. Omg. What am supposed to think when she does so much that seems like full support. But then if there is a chance that somebody else will find out. She flips a biscuit about it and it feels like I am at square one. I mean I steal her clothes and she kiddingly calls me skinny bitch and we laugh about it.
And I got outed at weight watchers and I did not tell her because I was afraid of her reaction. And she gets upset that I did not tell her the day it happened. I told her like 2 Days later. Because I actually forgot about it. Imagine that. I had a lot on my mind and a good thing like that turned out to be slipped my mind because stuff that actually matters was on my mind.
So I am going to bide my time. And leave when I get all my ducks in a row. It sucks because I love being around her. And when she was letting me do more and more and we were getting along great. But I know, this last bit of crapola is going to put me in a depressed mode soon. And I already have to act like nothing is wrong so things are pleasant around here.
I am on disability. But I am sure with the right job I could work and make decent money. So I need a job. I need to get the car that I drive. My car that is in her name paid off. I need to save some money for surgeries. I need to get what I owe on my credit cards paid off. If I sell a lot of Collectables that I accumulated that I liked when I was a man I should have enough to pay a lot off. But really don't want stuff anymore. Because it just holds you back. Finally got my credit to 750+ so ducks are starting to line up.
But this conforming until things are better might kill me. All I can do is hope and pray for the strength and wisdom I need to get through this in the right way.
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