Hi Gals,

First post 

So I'm still identifying as male and really feel uncomfortable about clothing, makeup, and just my physical form when I try to see my self as a girl. I just dint feel like any of it looks right because I'm clearly male looking.

I'm an over analytical person and suffer from anxiety and a lesser form of depression, naturally this doesn't help.

My childhood also doesn't fit the typical trans mold.., growing up I never had doubts or thoughts about gender and I didn't really gravitate towards traditionally feminine things at all.

I do remember when I was really young I played with my moms mascara but I just ended up stopping pretty quickly (not sure why). Then when puberty hit I didn't have any anxiety or dysphoria towards my body or changes but I did develop a cross dressing fetish which persisted throughout my life so far (I'm 24).

I started therapy about a year ago for anxiety and a few months ago. I also randomly starting exploring and enjoying things like leg waxing, nail painting etc, I told my therapist and told her that transgender was coming to my mind and she encouraged me to explore this which I have. Fast forward to now.

I've gone down many rabbit holes online reading about basically every question related to transitioning and I'm now at a point where I have a lot of excitement towards hormones (meeting with a specialist soon) but also a lot of fears and doubts.

My history and the fact that I didn't have any hatred towards being male plants doubt that maybe I'm not trans and I'll regret this... it just seems to be a growing preference in me that I'd rather be a girl. But I also feel that I can't really move forward now unless I experience this, but obviously there's consequences to long term hormones like permanent breast development.

I guess I'm just looking for some outside opinions :/

Thanks!

 Hi Claire,

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Hi Claire! The beginning and end of what all you said is me down to a t.  I decided to start hormones because I had already had gynecomastia from being overweight during puberty (followed by eating disorder which didn't help matters- or maybe it did [emoji4]). It wasn't as big of an issue for me to be able to reverse this as it seems to be for you.

Anywho, I think it's wise to talk to your therapist and work things through. I'm at a point where I can't see myself going back but it's good to be as certain as you can.

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Hi Claire 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

Good to hear im not the only one with that sort of a background  . From what I've read online most don't seem to be sure when they start horimones. So I guess I'm kinda in the norm haha. I met with a  psychologist  a few weeks ago who has 15yrs of trans experience and I was kind of amazed at how cold and clinical she came off as. She pretty much asked me all about my history and drew the conclusion that she wasn't convinced. Which just added more doubts :/. All I know is I feel like I have to experience this or I'll be filled with regret later in life. It would always be in the back of my mind.

Thanks V M     

First, hi Claire!

I'm honestly a little surprised your psychologist said she wasn't convinced. That feels like it goes against the accepted approach for the issue. Maybe someone with more experience can weigh in on that, but to me it feels like you might want to try speaking to someone else and see what their response is.

And hating being male isn't a prerequisite for being trans. (Think about it like this... if you vastly prefer cookies, it doesn't mean you hate brownies. And maybe you'd be perfectly happy going through life without ever having a cookie, only brownies. But if you'd be happier with cookies... ok, well, this metaphor isn't really working like I thought it would, and is just making me want cookies and brownies.)

Hi Ellie! Hahaha best metaphor ever

And that's where I think I'm at... horrified about changing social roles and anxious about everything I need to learn. But I have a strong pull towards getting this process started. It sounds ridicoulus but I'm just scared to take things in to my own hands... if this turns out to be a massive mistake it's on no one but me . But maybe it'll be the best thing I ever do? Gahhhh I've been thinking about this for too long already!

There are no mistakes here only happy accidents. - Bob Ross

Hi Claire, and welcome

Initially the dosages can be quite low,and the endocrinologist may well suggest that you first see how you are on a testosterone blocker alone. Neither of these will produce significant changes quickly - so you have some time to see how you are on them, before a 'final' decision, and even then detransition is an option, although more complicated.

The therapists are looking to ensure the number of folk who go through this process are happy and comfortable with the changes that they are making to mitigate the possibility that someone could end on the transition pathway without due consideration. As a result, they can tend to be a little conservative in their approach :/

Where you are in this generous umbrella is up to you to find, with your therapist, but bear in mind that cis folk never question their gender for more than a moment, your time and willingness to explore speak volumes.

Rowan

Quote from: Cenna on November 26, 2017, 09:21:58 PM
There are no mistakes here only happy accidents. - Bob Ross

One of my most favorite quotes ever.

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Quote from: Clairetheanalytical on November 26, 2017, 08:07:02 PM
Good to hear im not the only one with that sort of a background  . From what I've read online most don't seem to be sure when they start horimones. So I guess I'm kinda in the norm haha. I met with a  psychologist  a few weeks ago who has 15yrs of trans experience and I was kind of amazed at how cold and clinical she came off as. She pretty much asked me all about my history and drew the conclusion that she wasn't convinced. Which just added more doubts :/. All I know is I feel like I have to experience this or I'll be filled with regret later in life. It would always be in the back of my mind.

Thanks V M     

If a therapist told you anything after just one session, I would go see a different therapist.

I've been seeing mine for a month, and the first two to three weeks were mostly getting history - she very specifically said that she didn't want to jump to a diagnosis or a label, as therapy is a process that takes time.

It's also worth mentioning that there isn't really a typical "mold" that trans people fit into. There's a lot of bad stereotypes in media and online, and just because you don't (or do) fit into them doesn't mean anything. I never played with Barbie dolls, I was always the kid running and climbing trees and such, but that doesn't mean that I can't be trans.

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Claire, you're about where I was 20 years ago. I got to 40 without any conscious realization (the intense desire I'd had in 1978 at age 22 to wear a wedding dress that had been left in the basement of the house I rented with friends could have been a signal but I never did try it on even though it lingered there in my imagination for the whole 2 years we lived there - I'd grown up in a family that was abusive around anything non-conformist left me with a lot of fear so the possibility of my housemates finding out was enough to keep me from it)

And I think that's key, there were dozens of small tells that have taken a lifetime to recognize. I only just realized today that had I had the ability to try on that dress, let myself feel sexual I might have lived a very different life. To be sure, I don't regret the hard years, a lot of good things happened too.

Hello Claire, welcome to Susan's!

I was initially very awkward and self-conscious with my transition.  Puberty hit me quite badly, I buried my thoughts for a few decades until I started to realize it's my life to live and enjoy the best way possible.

Quote from: Clairetheanalytical on November 26, 2017, 08:07:02 PM
> I met with a  psychologist  a few weeks ago who has 15yrs of trans experience and I was kind of amazed at how cold and clinical she came off as. She pretty much asked me all about my history and drew the conclusion that she wasn't convinced. Which just added more doubts

Based on your description I am going to question the effectiveness of the psychologist you met with.  If you have other options in your local area I suggest consider finding one who is professional and carefully listens to your needs, someone you can connect with - to help you determine your best path forward. 

I was on a two month waiting list to see my endocrinologist.  Apparently I'm not the only transgender person in Seattle ...I could barely wait. 

Claire, really great to see you here!

Kendra

Hi Claire,

We have all been there. Doubting is normal and it can even happen after starting. The best thing to do is to talk it out with your therapist. And you will find a lot of information and different experiences here that might help you as well.

Welcome, Claire!

Quote from: Clairetheanalytical on November 26, 2017, 07:39:51 PM
My childhood also doesn't fit the typical trans mold.., growing up I never had doubts or thoughts about gender and I didn't really gravitate towards traditionally feminine things at all.

There is nothing "typical" about that mold.  In fact, the kids who fit that mold are quite exceptional.  The majority of us got to where we are on a path similar to yours.

If you had asked me 20 years ago (I'm 63) if I had been attracted to feminine things when I was a kid, I'd have said no.  But now, with 20/20 hindsight, I see all kinds of stuff in my past that fits and makes sense now.  Denial is like that.

I'm not saying you are in denial, just that it's something to consider.

Quote
My history and the fact that I didn't have any hatred towards being male plants doubt that maybe I'm not trans and I'll regret this... it just seems to be a growing preference in me that I'd rather be a girl.

Yeah, me neither.  I did some cool male things that I couldn't have done as a woman.  I didn't hate my male parts.  That was then, this is now.  I still don't "hate" them, but I want them gone.

I don't want to pressure you one way or another, because at the moment, you are just exploring.  But you might want to find a more sympathetic therapist to talk to.

Seems like I have always known and now I am a certain age where all we have left is our memories. Thinking back while never showing outward signs of femininity I do recall finding the girls more fun to play with. The boys liked to fight and play kickball. The girls were more sedate. Being satisfied playing jacks, hopscotch and dressing up.

As I grew I noticed I was more emotional than boys my age. I would cry about everything. The most embarrassing being standing on the high dive and crying instead of jumping as everyone else in the class had done.

Eventually it led to me dressing at every opportunity. There were times when I dressed everyday for a couple of years. But, this was shared with no one. It was taboo. 

I didn't date until I was 20 years old. My testicles had dropped only two years earlier. I eventually married her but I could not stop pursuing womanhood if only a few hours at a time. We spent 7 years together but only three married because she had found out that I was wearing her clothes and makeup. I made the mistake of dressing up for Halloween.

I sought therapy as early as 1983 as I went to visit my folks and was in my hotel room putting on makeup when my Mom showed up at my door. Problem was when I went to therapy, I could not admit what I have always known that I wanted to be a woman. My Mom eventually left and I made an excuse that I had walked to a restaurant and ate. I was there to discuss taking care of my Dad who had suffered brain damage from sucking in gas while trying to siphon from the car to use in the lawnmower. 

I was living in a 20ft travel trailer at the time and riding a Yamaha 1200.

I arrived that afternoon on the bus. When I finally made it to my Moms house, I made arrangements to return the next week to pick him up. My mother was murdered by a drunk driver the next week. My Dad ended up living with my grandmother and his sister and died the next year right before we bought a house.

I have always felt ashamed that I was not forthcoming with my Mom and that somehow she knew, and committed suicide because of it. My Mom was not for walking yet on this night she decided to. For as long as I can remember my Mom had threatened to walk in front of a car. The driver confessed to having at least 13 beers leading up to the accident. But the suspicion still remains.

I've felt if I were more forthcoming with my gender confusion my folks would have lived another 20 years at least.  I would say by addressing your confusion and trying to set things right, you are doing the right thing. I wish I had done it much, much sooner. I would be much happier today.

Hi Rowan 

This is a good point. It would likely take enough time before anything super irreversible happened. It would just be harder if I waited to long to detransition :/ but I'm definitely getting too ahead of myself X.

Definitely true. I feel like I'm definitely at the point where I've considered pretty much everything. My only worry is that maybe it's not something I truly want, but I don't think that feelings leaving regardless of what I think about... taking a leap forward and trusting that this is something worth exploring for me seems to be the only way to move forward. At least that's how I feel right now.

Thanks for this... the fact that it gave me a jolt of happiness reading it I think says a lot. That alone I think is a reason why this is probably worth exploring for me!

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Thanks Phoenix, it's great to know I'm not the only one... I guess it was just another thing that made me think "oh, looks like i might not be". Yay doubt -_-

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It's comforting to know that this can clearly arise for different people at different times... I was thinking that because I had no doubts towards my gender up until a few months ago it somehow invalidated how I'm feeling. And even now it's not really a doubt towards my male gender... it's more of a preference towards expressing and being more feminine, a stepping off point in to something drastically different but also so exciting! 

Thanks for sharing your story Sadie, great to hear you made it in to that dress eventually 

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Hi Kendra! Thanks so much, it's great to be here 

For me mine were less buried and just not at all concerned about gender (never thought about it) but I've always been super obsessed with progress... even to the point where I couldn't do anything.

I actually met with a new one today! She's new to the trans thing but she does have a few clients and she's much less clinical and so much more relatable, trusting, and just human. It's only been one session but if this women wasn't my therapist I would have to be her friend!

This is so where I'm at now! So tired of ruminating on the what if's and going down the google spirals... I've looked enough -_-

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Thanks Charlie! It's only been a day and I'm surprised at what an impact the comments from you guys have made. I keep hearing that most when starting and even after still have doubts at least until some of the changes start happening and you can actually experience if you like what's happening or not. Always great to hear that this ends positively for lots.

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Thanks Kathy! No you definitely aren't pressuring me but it's so comforting to hear from someone who also doesn't feel any hatred towards the male side... I mean I honestly dint even think I'd want SRS... maybe eventually an Orchie to reduce medication and also just so my body isn't fighting back if you know what I mean.

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Dawn that's heart breaking... I'm so sorry to hear that you went through all of that. You're definitely right... the one thing I dint think I can do is sweep this under the rug. I'm too deep in sadly (because it'll be hard and add a lot of new stresses to an already stress proned person) and I'm also starting to think fortunenly

Thanks so much for sharing guys! Really feels amazing to be so welcomed in to a new community so quickly 

Claire,

I don't know if this will help but anyway.

I didn't have any issues as such that I thought I needed a therapist,  although i've been mildly depressed and distant/closed off my entire life. I never saw a therapist until the day I got outed as a crossdresser and admitted to a girl at work that I thought I wanted to be a girl.

Throughout therapy I was trying to find a way to re-suppress my dysphoria and carry on as a guy. It was only when I started going out and seeing people as Ellie that I truly realised it was who I really was and that it was inevitable that I needed to transition. Once I realised that I switched from trying to "beat" dysphoria to going with it very very quickly.

I never hated being a guy and still don't dont as I'm pre everything. If I'm honest I realise now I've always been pretty indifferent to it, which I why I smoked and didn't look after myself, but I never hated it. It's more than I'm actually excited now I've realised I will be a girl eventually that I know I will eventually have breasts, a vagina etc.

I know this is a bit rambley but I suppose basically I'm saying I personally think one day you will know it's right if it is. Once I hit that point my brain has immediately switched to knowing I'm Ellie even if I'm a long way from my body matching that.

I was lucky enough to have two amazing friends at work to go out with as Ellie which helped me massively but even before that I went to the therapist as Ellie and that helped a lot.

Ellie xx

Claire, what Ellie says just speaks volumes to me. When I was your age or hers, this was so far out of reach. If I'd known about other trans people when I was 14 my life would be very different today. As I said in my post above, no regrets, just I'm really happy for y'all.