I got talked into coming out to my dad via letter. I tried to muster the courage to do it in person, but couldn't. My sister and my friend said a letter is better since he can grieve privately, gather thoughts, and reply when ready rather than as an outburst.  Well, I did it.  I wrote the letter, dropped it off, called the hotel to make sure he picked it up.  Now, nothing.  The longer I hear nothing, the more shame kicks in and the more anger at myself for getting talked into doing this.  I could have let him die thinking I was still his son.  I remember back in high school when the dysphoria was high, and I cried a lot, but I could feel the disapproval.  He never said anything, but it was part of my repression for so long.  I feel like I'm right back there.  Only this time I've opened Pandora's box and let the cenobites out.

Feeling so low right now:(

Bari Jo

abolish that shame! you have nothing to be ashamed of. Feel anxious, sure, that's to be expected. It's makes sense to get twisted up with a step like this. Relax and accept it and accept yourself - again.

Hi Bari Jo. I am sorry you are feeling so low. Give your dad some time to process the news you have given him. Now that he knows, he has the opportunity to know the real you. There is no shame in wanting to reveal your true self to your parents. I hope he makes contact with you soon and can give you his support.

Jayne

I can see why this would be difficult for you.  It'll all be okay.  Just be patient.  I told my parents at the same time, in person, and would never have done it without the support of my ex-wife.  Things take time for people to process, just relax, find something to do, and wait.

I keep trying to come up with reasons he has not called or written.  Like maybe the hotel still hasn't told him its there.  Or he's waiting till the next time he goes downstairs to pick it up.  Or he forgot to open it, anything.  Well, anything but he's avoiding me, or worse.  The worse, is truly dark too, like why would he respond?  I'm not deserving of it,  I'm not going to be allowed at his house any more.  I won't be allowed at gatherings.  I will be written out of his will and disowned entirely.

Then I think, get on with it, I need to know either way.  At least my dog thinks I'm okay, not a wreck

Bari Jo

There is no shame in the truth, never.

Keep strong hun,  and keep positive. X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

You don't need to be ashamed of anything. You're not doing anything wrong, you're just trying to be who you are. Didn't you say your dad tried to get you to transition when you were a teenager? So why would he not accept you now?

Hi Bari Jo,

  Gosh girl, I know exactly how you feel. I feel all that you are now going through when my daughter told me they needed time to think about my revelation. I left and all those terrible thoughts were going round and round in my head and my stomach was in a turmoil. At this time you need a distraction. Go do something you enjoy. Visit supportive friends. Visit or call your sister and talk to her about your fears and concerns. I'm better from what you have told us that it will are turn out okay. Nothing you've told us indicate that your Dad is an unreasonable man. In fact some of what you've told us is actually encouraging. It is your fears and worries that are talking to you right now and they will always tell you the worst case scenario. Don't listen to them and practice some patience. You have no way of knowing how he will react to the news until he lets you know himself. Quit beating yourself up girl. (((Hugs)))

Hugs,
   Laurie

Quote from: Julia1996 on November 28, 2017, 10:31:14 AM
You don't need to be ashamed of anything. You're not doing anything wrong, you're just trying to be who you are. Didn't you say your dad tried to get you to transition when you were a teenager? So why would he not accept you now?

He doesn't remember quite a lot of me growing up.  He noticed my earrings this weekend and asked when I got those, then why.  I told him I always wanted them.  Then brought up if he remembers I had an earring in high school.  He said nothing back then, but he invited his army buddies over to make fun of it all they wanted.  My dad didn't remember any of this.  I am sure he does not remember my troubles I've had or our talk of transitioning young.

Bari Jo

Hon, it's kinda built into us to need parental approval and the waiting game is a quiet torture all of its own. I'd love to say for certain that it's going to be ok, and I suspect if your sister has anything to do with it, you'll be fine.
Personally, you've had years to get used to the idea, your sister has had weeks, and your dad has days.
Maybe for him, there will be the struggles of 'what ifs' for the son he never had, he will be mourning the loss of that potential future, where with rose tints he imagined a completely different outcome - but one thing is for certain, he's going to need some time. He may have already reached out to your sister, and it's probably worth talking with her about it, he may simply be trying to research, understand and then be able to express himself in a way that is ok that he still loves you and supports you, even if right now he doesn't understand it.

(Hugs)

Rowan

Quote from: Bari Jo on November 28, 2017, 10:59:59 AM
He doesn't remember quite a lot of me growing up.  He noticed my earrings this weekend and asked when I got those, then why.  I told him I always wanted them.  Then brought up if he remembers I had an earring in high school.  He said nothing back then, but he invited his army buddies over to make fun of it all they wanted.  My dad didn't remember any of this.  I am sure he does not remember my troubles I've had or our talk of transitioning young.

Bari Jo

Oh that's awful! I'm sorry that happened to you. I'm surprised your dad let his friends make fun of you like that. Only one of my dad's friends had a problem with me and my dad cut him loose because of it. Maybe your dad is just trying to think of what to say. You can't know for sure is won't be accepting. But keep in mind that even if he doesn't accept you being trans, your sister and her husband do. It's important to have some support. Sadly a lot of trans people have none.

My sister just got off the phone with him, and yes, it sounds like he is understanding, if not quite supportive.  He brought up the amniocentesis done before I was born.  He ran it twice and says for sure I was supposed to be coming out as a girl.  Since he's a doctor and a parent, he's interested in my diagnosis and everything I've done medically so far.  He's collecting his thoughts, and trying to organize them to talk about it.  So it's not all bad, might end up good.  When everything is said and done, I'll write up a thread about it.  For now, shame is abated.

Bari Jo

Quote from: Bari Jo on November 28, 2017, 02:47:50 PM
My sister just got off the phone with him, and yes, it sounds like he is understanding, if not quite supportive.  He brought up the amniocentesis done before I was born.  He ran it twice and says for sure I was supposed to be coming out as a girl.  Since he's a doctor and a parent, he's interested in my diagnosis and everything I've done medically so far.  He's collecting his thoughts, and trying to organize them to talk about it.  So it's not all bad, might end up good.  When everything is said and done, I'll write up a thread about it.  For now, shame is abated.

Bari Jo

Bari Jo, that is good news. It sounds like he is trying to understand and needs a little time to get his thoughts in order. Give him the time he needs and you may find he will support you much more than you had imagined. In the meantime, don't let any of that fear or anxiety rule you. It's probably easy to say than do, but be patient.

Jayne

This is good news!

If he's a doctor,  he may be seeking knowledge just to understand,  to help,  out of possible guilt or because we always fall back on what we know to help us cope with the unknown.
It might be wise for you or sister to remind him that science does not yet (and may never) hold all the answers.
Give him time and space,  be there to answer any questions if and when he has them.
My own father has never been supportive of my transition,  but he does accept it; even this can be a big step from some.

Sending happy hugs. X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Quote from: Megan. on November 28, 2017, 04:54:05 PM
If he's a doctor,  he may be seeking knowledge just to understand,  to help, 

Yes, this is probably the case.  He's a cardio vascular surgeon.  Side note, it was hard to live in his shadow intellectually until I branched out in mechanics, math and art.  He's someone that was in medical schools age 17, and residency at the best hospital in the world, then a fellowship with the best heart surgeon in the world.  Obviously I look up to him.  So his support for me is necessary.  He's looking at this from a science/biology background with my best interests in mind I'm sure.  Also for you military folk, even with all this schooling he went into the military feeling a duty to the nation, and was career, 33 years in, I think.

Bari Jo

Quote from: Megan. on November 28, 2017, 10:14:55 AM
There is no shame in the truth, never.

^^^^ This!!

Bari Jo,
Waiting to hear if loved ones have accepted us or not is hard.  When I told my younger brother, it was three days before I heard from him, during which time I feared the worst.  Turned out he was happy and supportive, just lazy about replying.

I am glad you have some hopeful feedback via your sister.  Hang in there.  It sounds like it could be good news, or at least not too bad.

Great news Bari Jo, I'm glad it worked out.

Quote from: Bari Jo on November 28, 2017, 02:47:50 PM
My sister just got off the phone with him, and yes, it sounds like he is understanding, if not quite supportive.  He brought up the amniocentesis done before I was born.  He ran it twice and says for sure I was supposed to be coming out as a girl.  Since he's a doctor and a parent, he's interested in my diagnosis and everything I've done medically so far.  He's collecting his thoughts, and trying to organize them to talk about it.  So it's not all bad, might end up good.  When everything is said and done, I'll write up a thread about it.  For now, shame is abated.

Bari Jo

Hi Bari Jo,
Glad to hear this.  I hope it keeps progressing in a positive manner.  It definitely sounds like it should.
Take care,
Paige

Quote from: Paige on November 29, 2017, 01:07:55 PM
Hi Bari Jo,
Glad to hear this.  I hope it keeps progressing in a positive manner.  It definitely sounds like it should.
Take care,
Paige

So far so good.  He has already checked on and approves of my choice of doctors.  I bet soon he will want to see my labs as I get them.  I don't mind.

Bari Jo

Quote from: Bari Jo on November 29, 2017, 01:18:44 PM
So far so good.  He has already checked on and approves of my choice of doctors.  I bet soon he will want to see my labs as I get them.  I don't mind.

Bari Jo

At least, if he's a top doc' and rates those providing your care, that means you're getting good health care. X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk