Hi, everyone! I stumbled upon this forum with a Google search because I've been battling some thoughts recently. Some demons I thought were buried forever are resurfacing, and I'm trying to figure out if I actually am transgender.

I'm going to give you some backstory to start, and I apologize in advance if this turns into a very wordy post. As far back as my memory goes, I felt like I was a girl. I remember putting long towels on my head and draping them down my back to feel like I had long hair like a girl. I also remember wearing long muscle shirts in the summer to pools to feel like I was wearing a girl's one-piece bathing suit. My family never judged this behaviour and they just dismissed it as child's play. I remember being jealous of the girls when they started to grow breasts and the boys would show interest in them.

These feelings reached their peak up until high school when I just came to accept that I was born biologically male and that nothing would ever change that. I came out as gay when I was 17. I'm very lucky that I have always had very supportive family and friends. I've lived my life as a gay man for over a decade now and things have been okay for the most part. But now at 32, I'm starting to think about my gender identity again.

I have rarely felt attracted to gay men. The gay men that I was always attracted to were the ones who held a very stereotypical heterosexual male role. I have found this to be quite rare in the gay community however. My place in any intimate relationship has always been submissive and very stereotypically female. The "bottom" if you will. I feel at peace when I'm allowed to be in my natural role without having to compromise. I have found this to be a problem in all of my intimate relationships with gay men.

Over the last year, I have been intimate with a married man who identifies as heterosexual. He responded to an ad I posted on Craigslist in which I specified "straight men" only. I didn't realize at the time why I specified this, but now that I'm looking back and analyzing the situation, it's beginning to make sense now. Basically, gay men just weren't cutting it for me.

Being with this man for almost a year now, I've realized he is definitely not gay. I originally thought he was at least in denial or even bisexual. But it's quite clear now that he is not attracted to the male esthetic. He is only interested in oral sex that I perform on him and nothing else. We do cuddle a little bit, but we have never kissed. He seems to be interested only in the sexual act itself - the fact that I completely submit to him.

A big problem I'm having now is that I have started to fall in love with him. We talk every single day. And we don't just talk about sex. We talk about our daily lives and we share intimate stories with each other. He has not missed even one day to wish me good morning and to ask me how my day is going. He even goes as far to say that he's not interested in any other guys and that he hopes I feel the same. I've gone on casual dates with a few gay men, which I was very open about, and he became extremely anxious and depressed and even showed signs of jealousy. I have taken a break from dating for the last few months and he regularly expresses that he's worried about me re-entering the dating scene because he feels like we'd be over for good if I find someone I like. Now, I'm at a point where I'm feeling very loyal to him and I don't want to find anyone else romantically. I feel this is very damaging to me because I know deep down he will never want to be with me like I want to be with him.

This whole situation has really sparked my internal dialogue about my gender identity. Being with him has made me realize how at ease I feel being with a heterosexual man because I feel deep down I am a heterosexual woman. However, the thought of transitioning does not interest me because I don't know if I'd ever be "passable" as a female. Not to mention, society looks down on transgender people, labeling them as freaks of nature. And then there's the uncertainties and side effects of HRT. To go through those daily struggles terrifies me more than words can describe. And finding a cisgender man that would accept me for who I am if I transitioned seems like a needle in a haystack. Society would never see me as a "real" woman. I feel like I'd be destined to live a life of isolation if I transition. To me, this seems like a life that is more difficult to live than a cisgender gay male.

The thing is, I've become indifferent to my male identity now. I do dress as a cisgender male. I don't hate it, nor do I love it. I'm just doing what society expects of me, and it has become second nature for me. I've never cross-dressed before either (since I was a young child), nor do I have the desire to do so. I just don't even know if I'm transgender or just a very confused gay man. I don't even know what I'm expecting from anyone's response here. I feel like I had to share my thoughts because I can't hold them in anymore.

Jovial,

Welcome to the world of trans-ness.  The prevailing thought on this subject that by even asking the question then you are somewhere on the trans spectrum.  Honestly a therapist who specializes in gender identity would be a good help.

Not hating your make persona is not a requirement.  In my case the desire to be female out weighed my desire to stay male.

Consider this, cis people never think about their gender.  In some cases it's a totally foreign thought to associate a gender to themselves and even more foreign to think of themselves as the other gender.

Good luck and again, welcome to Susan's

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Welcome to Susan's Place. You show some of the signs of being transgender however you are so early in exploring your feelings that I don't really know. Normally somebody who is transgender is uncomfortable with their roll in society or the are uncomfortable with the gender of their body. If this is how you feel, then you are likely transgender. I have two links you should explore. The first one is our WIKI where we have a very good description of what transgender is. The second link is "the transition channel" where you will be able to explore you feelings and see if they match those of a transgender person. As always, a Gender Therapist could help you explore this. Feel free to ask any additional questions and we will do our best to answer them.

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Dena has a lot of experience, but let me add that I didn't understand that I was uncomfortable in my male roll until after I had been on HRT for almost 9 months.  Once the fear of not being perceived as male started to dissolve and the female persona started taking shape I was in a social setting and realized how relaxed and at-ease I was.   I never understood that I was uncomfortable.

I'll also restate - go see a therapist who specializes in Gender Identity Issues.

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You've come to the right place! There are some wonderful people here with a lot of experience (two of which have posted already!) who can offer you some much needed insight from said experience. (For my part, I'm still the new girl to all of this. ) It definitely seems you have a few of the usual traits, but also a few things that sort of fly in the face of the conventional trans feelings. But, really, this doesn't mean a whole lot as while there are common threads, there are also worlds of differences person to person as we all react in unique ways to our feelings(or place different degrees of value in areas such as clothing). It could also indicate maybe you would be somewhere in the non-binary. But ultimately, that is something only you can really decide.

Quote from: Denise on November 29, 2017, 11:23:44 PM
  Once the fear of not being perceived as male started to dissolve and the female persona started taking shape I was in a social setting and realized how relaxed and at-ease I was.   I never understood that I was uncomfortable.

When a feeling is your normal state, you don't even think about it until it's gone. Sort of like if you get used to having a particular injury. It doesn't mean that it not longer hurts, you just become desensitized to it. Then one day when it goes away for real, you suddenly realize the difference and its night and day.

Hi!

I may be young and foolish, but.. I have been transitioning for a good 8 years now (my journey has been slow and bumpy) so I think I can offer a bit of advice and insight that may benefit you. At least I hope I can!

First thing I would say is be wary of the emotions a relationship and feelings of love can do to you. I have certainly experienced myself that a relationship changed how I saw myself to a point where I went against my own self-interest and refrained from moving my transitioning forward. Don't let your relationship and the ideal image it conjures in your head lead you down the wrong path!

That said I would echo Denise that your even questioning this puts you somewhere on the spectrum, but that certainly doesn't mean you are one of those who should transition. It is not a trivial thing, and the goal must always be to get you to where you are most comfortable being; NOT to do a full transition because its the 'proper thing to do', but to do just enough that you are happy with your own body and can function reasonably well in society with it. Being trans doesn't mean that SRS or even HRT is right for you..

I would definitely recommend that if you try to explore these feelings, slowly and in private at first. Consider trying to dress female for a bit, and see how you feel doing it. A therapist with previous trans experience is also a good idea, though finding a good one may be difficult in a lot of places!

In any case I think you have come to the right place; the amazing people on this forum were of enormous help to me when I was living through the 'estrogen high' just after starting HRT, and guided me down the path to a safe and successful transitioning so far!

Best of luck <3

Welcome.

You have gotten a lot of good advice already. I second that searching for a gender therapist can help you a lot to tangle out your thoughts and feelings.

I have always been turned on by gay men. I thought it was a mission impossible until I realized and admitted to myself I am a guy.

It would be much easier to be a ciswoman finding a man. But I don't feel home in this woman body. It makes me depressed and suicidal. I am often misstaken for a butch. I like girls too. But the wrong girls hit on me. The ones who believe I'm a butch.

There are many different ways to be in the transgender spectrum. Noone is the same, no way is the wrong way. When you start learning about yourself you will know where on the spectrum you fit. Not all transgender people want or need HRT or surgery. Only you know what you need. And your way is as much the right way as my way.


Tony

Thank you to everyone who has offered me advice. It's nice to know I'm not alone!

Denise, that's interesting to think that trans has a spectrum and I fall somewhere in between. I always thought in order to be considered trans, you'd have to loathe your body and your biological parts. The only thing that I absolutely despise about my body is my body hair. I'm not hairy by any means, but I go through great lengths to make sure I am smooth. I've even done laser, which has almost eradicated my body hair. I still need a few more treatments though.

No one has ever understood my obsession to be smooth, but the more I've been reflecting, the more I'm starting to understand myself. Being smooth makes me feel more feminine. Would this be gender dysphoria I'm experiencing and removing my body hair helps relieve that? In terms of my sexual organs, I don't loathe them. I always feel like if there were a fairy godmother that came down and waved a wand to make me a cisgender woman, I would go forward with that without any hesitation at all. But I feel to medically transition and go through all the painful and risky surgeries doesn't make it worth it to transition. And there is no guarantee I'd be a passable female. I've got very masculine features all around.

Dena, Thank you so much for those resources. I will explore them over the next few days. As for a gender therapist, I'm going to look into that. I'm just afraid of cost because I don't make much money. I would love to work with someone to explore this further because I can't suppress this anymore. I'm becoming more and more comfortable in my skin, and I feel I'm at a point where it's absolutely necessary I get to the bottom of all these feelings.

Roll, I'm going to look up what non-binary means because I have never heard the term until now. I didn't realize how diverse the trans community is. I always thought it was black and white, but clearly, there are many shades of grey, just like sexuality. It's fascinating, yet confusing at the same time.

Floof, Thank you so much for pointing that out. It's true. Relationships can really mess with your emotions. I'm going to keep that in the back of my head as I explore myself more. I've never dressed female as an adult. I do fantasize about it every now and then though. I look through female outfits in a Google image search and I find a few that I love, and I picture myself being cisgender woman wearing that outfit out in public. Sounds strange, I know. As I've mentioned before, the thought of transition and HRT terrifies me. I feel like if I tried HRT and I didn't like it, it would be difficult to revert back because I'd physically change my body permanently (growing breasts). Of course, there is the other side where I might actually feel at ease as Denise mentioned. I just don't know. The unknown scares me.

MeTony, That's very interesting. I'm just realizing now that gender and sexuality really are two separate entities. I wish I knew what I really needed. I'm going to explore the idea of a gender therapist as others have mentioned. Maybe the therapist can direct me to a more a clear path because I'm just very confused and I don't feel comfortable telling anyone I'm close to what I'm experiencing. I can't even explain it clearly to myself, let alone others.

jovial1. I really don't know how to respond other than sometimes we suppress or oppress ourselves. Seriously your story takes my breath away.

A little about me. I have always been a "sissy". Way too many people thought I was gay even trying to be a boy. I have always like guys but like you not effeminate gay guys but the guys that identified as men. And yes much like you men that identified as Hetero too. My breast ended up growing but something else did not. So it go hard to hide anything.

My best friend from childhood is gay. He does not like femininity at all. I embraced mine and I always knew about him and he always knew about me but he did not like girls.

There is way more to passing than looks. There is behavior, voice, hair on your head, brows body hair, body language and so on. Go on HRT and learn all of the other stuff. HRT won't give you all the other stuff but it will help with skin, feelings and emotions.

Look it does not matter about your male or female parts. Some drag queens are really gorgeous. Hell just check out VICE at 9pm central time. Katya is gorgeous and I am sure there are plenty of me that would be gay just to kiss her. What about Bailey Jay? Same with Amy Daley and others that are trans that do the whole HRT things.

But you have to decide and figure out how fare you want to follow it. I am non op and have had no problem having a relationship. No matter what I do though even post op I will always be a trans woman. You have to and everyone should think about this. If I was post op and everything looked good and so on and I found the love of my life and then ended up dying in a horrendous car crash or plane crash in which the only way I could be identified would be through DNA and I lied to the love of my life, could I live with that if he found out the truth? I could not. I could never have children so I would have to make up an excuse which would not be hard. But if he falls in love with me and I want to love him totally then how could I leave that part out that he would probably want to know? If he found out after a horrendous accident then how could I live with myself if there is an after life?

I don't know because I just have a different take on things than some people do. So just be you. You are worth it and your partner is worth knowing.

Not knowing where you live, if you live in a country with socialized medicine, a regular therapist would help until you re able to see a gender therapist. If you are in the U.S., some therapist charge on a sliding scale where what you are charged is based on your income. Check around because therapist don't always charge the same amount.

Quote from: jovial1 on November 30, 2017, 03:13:34 PM
But I feel to medically transition and go through all the painful and risky surgeries doesn't make it worth it to transition. And there is no guarantee I'd be a passable female. I've got very masculine features all around.

...

I would love to work with someone to explore this further because I can't suppress this anymore. I'm becoming more and more comfortable in my skin, and I feel I'm at a point where it's absolutely necessary I get to the bottom of all these feelings.

I am glad to hear that you have a sober and cautious view of transitioning; I have known some who completely trivialize it because they have conjured in their heads some image of how it will be, and then collapse part way through when they realize it is significantly more difficult and potentially traumatizing than they expected.

If you cant afford a therapist at this time, I think this forum and the people here are a great alternative way of exploring transgender feelings. Combined we have a huge wealth of experience you can draw from, though you will of course have to draw your own conclusions in the end!

Quote from: jovial1 on November 30, 2017, 03:13:34 PM
Floof, Thank you so much for pointing that out. It's true. Relationships can really mess with your emotions. I'm going to keep that in the back of my head as I explore myself more. I've never dressed female as an adult. I do fantasize about it every now and then though. I look through female outfits in a Google image search and I find a few that I love, and I picture myself being cisgender woman wearing that outfit out in public. Sounds strange, I know. As I've mentioned before, the thought of transition and HRT terrifies me. I feel like if I tried HRT and I didn't like it, it would be difficult to revert back because I'd physically change my body permanently (growing breasts). Of course, there is the other side where I might actually feel at ease as Denise mentioned. I just don't know. The unknown scares me.

Doesn't sound strange at all! I bet you the vast majority here started out just like that, I got all my first outfits online when I started dressing at 15-16 years old. Many online retailers -depending on country- will even let you return your garments for a full refund, so if you try it out for a few days and decide its all kinds of wrong for you, the financial impact of your experimentation will have been minimal.

Definitely try the most reversible aspects first, such as simply dressing up.. Longer term, you may consider wanting to try HRT and start down the path towards that, but throughout it all you must ALWAYS keep in mind that there is no shame in backing out and that you are doing this for YOUR benefit only.