Honestly no, I don't feel like I'm faking anything. But that is probably because I am not trying to be something I'm not or to step outside of what I feel I am. I am not telling those around me they must think of me as a man, or trying to copy other men in detail. That is too exhausting for me and would have me feeling fraudulent because it doesn't come natural.
People have reacted well to being left to come to their own conclusions about me, and I've reacted well to the lack of pressure of "living up to" a specific ideal. I could never live up to my own ideal image of myself as a woman. That just caused problems and bad feelings. I have some ideals for being a man, but they are mostly mental so there's no outside pressure there. Knowing how adverse I am to being cornered, I decided to take a very loose approach to transition and to giving out information about it. Taking it very slowly and not making snap announcements or decisions to look or dress a certain way off the bat. I occupied a neutral position to start with in terms of presentation. Androgynous you might say, so it was not like flipping a switch.
Over the years I've come to see the issue of being male or female the same as I see the question of "is there a god". I'm probably never going to know "the answer" and I've got a life to live in the meantime that is ticking away. Agonizing over the question and letting it hold me back is something I can't afford the time for any more.
As long as I stick to what feels like it comes natural, I don't feel fraudulent. Not going to say to myself the apple is an orange, and try to make everyone else say it as well. The 'apple' is a complicated thing that even I don't fully understand, but what I do know is how it feels and follow that to its logical conclusion - the apple may not be an orange, what does it matter? it has to do what it has to do and if it's orange in nature I can't suppress it. It doesn't have to be biologically authentic, I already am biologically authentic because I exist. If other people have a problem with that, it's no different than it was in the past living awkwardly and failing to understand regular people's behavior toward me. Except that I don't feel awkward any more and I don't feel stressed and anxious all the time. HRT has been a great help - and goes some way toward validating this is how I should have been feeling all along. Even if others feel this is fakery, it's real medicine for me, and helps correct my medical problems.
It's not going to be a panacea, but I've accepted that being trans is something of a rare medical condition that I didn't ask for, and so it's always going to come with its own unique issues and sense of being. Coming to terms with it might be like coming to terms with being born with a weak heart or some other condition, that means you can't quite be like everyone else.
It's been a long road to become comfortable with who I am mentally so when I look in the mirror I know what and who I see and I don't have a problem with it. When that person looks male and dresses, I see myself looking how I do naturally, without any sort of make-up or anything like that... so to me it's just me. Just me, wearing some clothes, which are just clothes. There's nothing special about them for me.
The idea of "authenticity" is something I struggled with in the past but for a very different reason. Maybe I dealt with it back then which is why it doesn't seem to be a problem here.
