Quote from: katiekatt on November 30, 2017, 06:28:28 PM
Yeah... I'm a silly person and read a thread on here about side effects. Will I never learn?


I was in a really scary wreck on interstate 25 in which someone hit me from behind while I was stopped. Its really stop and go around 5pm. This oil and gas guy was texting and I looked back and saw him coming so fast and I tried to escape but I was right over a river and he hit me and pushed me into 4 other people, but moving saved my life and I now am unable to stop myself looking in my rearview mirror at, seriously, every light. I will never forget that wreck as long as I live. I use to never even think about traffic and I cant not think of it all the time now.

I never had that driving innocence.  While he was teaching me how to drive my dad told me about some of the accidents he's been called to. So I was already kind of paranoid when I started driving. Texting while driving is really stupid. My dad has pulled over a lot of people for doing that.

Quote from: Julia1996 on November 30, 2017, 06:55:36 PM
I never had that driving innocence.  While he was teaching me how to drive my dad told me about some of the accidents he's been called to. So I was already kind of paranoid when I started driving. Texting while driving is really stupid. My dad has pulled over a lot of people for doing that.

Sort of the same for me. My mom had a really bad wreck when she was young that I grew up hearing about, and always played heavily into my anxiety.

I was in a really bad wreck while stopped dead at a stoplight. There were 3 cars ahead of us & we'd been stopped for a good 10-15 seconds, when a pickup just slammed into the rear of the car going about 40 mph, squishing our car between the pickup and the SUV in front of us. Thankfully no one was hurt, but the car was totaled. It's been around 6 years since that happened, and I'm still nervous when stopped at a stoplight & people come up behind me.

...But don't let all this get to you. Just keep your eyes open & be aware of what's going on around you.

All this talk about bad accidents reminds me about how awfully anxious I will be driving the 401 next month. My girlfriend won't be able to do it (unless there is no snow) since she hasn't had a lot of winter driving experience yet.
it will be an interesting drive.

A little late to the party, but congratulations Ellie.  The driver's license will help immensely in getting to appointments (and going shopping).  Glad to hear about the regrowth from finasteride as well. I've seen a tiny bit of regret from it, nothing substantial though.  I'm just glad to hear things are going well for you.

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<3

Just wish this lab thing would be sorted out. I forgot to call yesterday (got caught up with last of my finals and some other stuff) to check what the delay was so I have to wait until Monday now. I'm getting very antsy (to say the least) about the delay, and even if everything is in on Monday I'm still at almost a month out from my appointment with no news. I'm not liking the way I'm approaching the standstill psychologically at all, and I haven't been able to bring myself to dress in my female clothes or anything for some reason, and weird doubt keeps hitting me. Though I forced myself to dress yesterday for a bit, and I felt better immediately, but even then I haven't been able to make myself at all today and even slept in male clothes(which until the past week or so, I haven't done in months). So yeah... Not sure what this reaction is, but I don't think it's a good one.

Quote from: Roll on December 02, 2017, 09:05:49 PM

I'm not liking the way I'm approaching the standstill psychologically at all, and I haven't been able to bring myself to dress in my female clothes or anything for some reason, and weird doubt keeps hitting me.

I feel ya' there, sister. I get really frustrated with the whole psychology thing too. I think I've called every so called "gender therapist" within 100 miles of me but so far they all seem to think gender therapy means talking me out of transitioning. It looks more and more like I'm going to have to take the long drive to the big city if I want to make any progress.

Quote from: Roll on December 02, 2017, 09:05:49 PM

Though I forced myself to dress yesterday for a bit, and I felt better immediately, but even then I haven't been able to make myself at all today and even slept in male clothes(which until the past week or so, I haven't done in months). So yeah... Not sure what this reaction is, but I don't think it's a good one.

Some days I think, "Oh, what's the use!" Depressing. Especially since I started electrolysis and can't shave every day. It's going to be at least another year until my whole face is cleared. Until then, if I dress the way I want, I feel like a hairy ape in a skirt. It's just so much effort sometimes, this being ourselves.

Hang in there. Do something nice for yourself. I find that even little things like doing my nails or shaving my legs help sometimes.

Quote from: Thea on December 03, 2017, 09:22:32 AM
Hang in there. Do something nice for yourself. I find that even little things like doing my nails or shaving my legs help sometimes.

That's been my catch 22, the little things make me feel better but I have lacked the motivation to do them over the past week or so.

(Though shaving in general I've been forcing myself to cut back on since not presenting publicly at all except for appointments, and am trying to not be so obsessive about. Just too rough on skin and I go through too many razors, and the cost is adding up considering I'm on a very fixed budget. I have to start hair removal badly.)

I get it. I have those weeks too. Just relax and try not to stress on it.

I think it's probably related to your frustration with the extra time it's taking for your labs. Thea's right, it's a "what's the use?" kind of feeling. I got those all the time before HRT, and even after HRT I still get that now and then.
Try to find things to do to take your mind off of it, though I know that's incredibly hard to do sometimes. My mind tends to grab onto one thing & not let go, like a dog with a toy or shoe. If I let it go on too long my mind will be shredded. Then I have to clean it up.... such a mess. Then I'm missing a shoe! I mean, should I just wear mismatched shoes? Go out with only one shoe? Dumb dog.... And when did I even GET a dog?!! I don't remember that at all! Seriously! I don't even know it's name!

...wait... what were we talking about?

I second that it's likely due to frustration.  It will pass as things start progressing again.  It's harder for you because you aren't living full-time as yourself yet.  Once you are things like this will be less of an issue.  I totally feel you on the cost of blades and hassle of shaving.  I was lucky that my facial hair was blonde and generally fine enough that I could get away with every other day even before.  (Though that makes it unlucky because laser doesn't work and I get to pay more now)

Also, don't beat yourself up if you run through patches of no motivation or even fluidity.  It's a lot more normal and common than you would believe.  I still have my days of feeling like a dumpy guy.  I still have some guy clothes (mostly t-shirts and the like) and on extremely lazy and guyish days I throw that junk on.  its funny though because it doesn't fit or look right at all anymore.  That fact gives me at least a little smile.  Fact of the matter is that transition is a process and the intensity ebbs and flows.  Your doing great so far and it's only going to get better.  Chin up darling!  We are here for you.

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I'm doing my best to ignore the insecurity, but even for other stuff I have an unfortunate tendency to get a bit off (or worse) if things feel like they are getting off track (even if they really aren't). I hate downtime, I just genuinely loath it.

Everything is just kind of happening at once I think, because not only is there the HRT delay, I finished up my fall semester weeks ago except for a few finals(which I am now 100% done with as well) so I haven't been doing anything school wise (I'm one of those people who would vastly prefer not to have winter or summer breaks and prefer to just keep going).

There's also another issue on the transition front that is starting to frustrate me immensely... When I came out to my father and then step mother, I told them I wanted them to discuss how I should approach coming out to my sister. I wanted to make sure to do things in a way they would be comfortable with so that I am not stepping on any toes as much as possible (partly because that's just who I am, partly because I think it's a sound strategy for keeping people on my side while I go through this). Well, my dad royally sucks at follow through and despite repeatedly saying he'll talk to my step mother they never get around to it, and he seems oblivious to how much it's bothering me. And I don't want to go back on what I said to them (about them discussing how I should approach it) and just tell her, so I'm sitting in limbo as far as coming out to my sister, who is the single most important person in my life and I just really want to tell. Actually, this is probably the bigger issue than the HRT delay.

Ok, gotta shake it off and stop being depressing. FLUFFY UNICORN KITTEN LASER GILBERT GOTTFRIED. ... I feel better.

Quote from: Roll on December 03, 2017, 07:49:59 PMI told them I wanted them to discuss how I should approach coming out to my sister. I wanted to make sure to do things in a way they would be comfortable with so that I am not stepping on any toes as much as possible

You have given them the opportunity to get their toes out from under your foot: they are comfortable leaving their toes where they are.  You have given them the opportunity to give you suggestions for coming out to your sister: they have none.

You owe it to yourself to have the most important person in your life on your side, or at least in the know about what is going on for you.  I'd say it is time to just tell her.  Let the parents know that you are about to tell her, then do it.

Well, a full month and no lab results and no one seems to question it but me. I have done so much blood work over the years with other conditions and I have never, ever had lab results take longer than a few days including the physician's office calling me to inform me of results. I shot off another e-mail to my doctor to keep the fire lit, and hopefully get the info on which labs she is still missing so I can harass the hospital lab. At this point, there seems zero chance it's not just lost in the system. Figures. It's also making me question my choice in doctors a little bit, as I feel like I'd want a bit more action in getting this resolved. But maybe I'm being unfair, and she's seen the labs take this long a million times.

Meanwhile, I am just getting more depressed. Fundamentally, truly depressed in a way I have not been in months if not years since grieving my mother's death. The old numbness is creeping over me, and I'm fighting very hard to not give into it and say screw the entire thing and going back to how I was before. I'm having to really force myself to even post this. Distraction doesn't work, because I just get lost in whatever I'm doing and the numbness gets worse. That's the problem with my form of depression, I want to feel sad but I can't. If I could feel the way I know I feel, it's a reminder that things matter. This is how I survived for decades, making everything just go away.

I'm falling back into too many old habits and letting go of new (healthier) ones. My diet is shot to hell, I haven't been exercising, I've been "forgetting" to take medicines... hell, I'm not even brushing my teeth enough.

On top of it all, my Dad's classic obliviousness is sabotaging me hardcore in a lot of ways. He made a big deal about me using one of his cars after getting my license, but it feels like he has gone out of his way to not have it available. And I'm not talking about him driving it, but playing car tag by leaving it out a property of his an hour away. And everytime I say something and he brings it back without stranding himself(gets a ride out there), he does it again the next freaking day. (Drives out there in the car, someone else meets him there and he rides back with them, leaving the car there.) I have literally not driven once since getting my license. Then there is the whole not dealing with me telling my sister issue that is just really getting to me more and more. He's legitimately busy right now, I get that (swamped preparing his aforementioned property for a work party followed by guests staying there for a few weeks on top of working), but I'm just sitting here suffering in quiet in the meanwhile.

In the scheme of things, these are minor issues that I hate complaining about, I know so many people have so much worse and I am lucky in so many ways. I hate complaining in general anyway.

I want to say that I hate or that I'm scared of the way I'm feeling, but the truth is that's the problem to begin with, I don't feel much of anything. I wish I could feel that hate or fear. I've said before, one of the biggest things I am hopeful for with HRT, and one of my truest cases of dysphoria, is that I want to be able to more readily access my emotions that I know are there, just buffered under that layer of pure protective numbness. Even posting this was entirely intellectual, because I'm not feeling a drive to vent or anything of that sort, I just intellectually know that I should (and hope maybe it will jar something loose in the process).

I am so sorry about all this, but you should be persistent and not give up!! you need those hormones, make it happen! Call your doctor and call the lab they were done at, call your insurance too, because if they paid for them and you don't have them yet then maybe they will try to help you! I have an appointment next week and I had my bloodwork done last week, I just called my doctor to see if the tests were in and they said they got them a week ago, so something is definitely weird with your lab, I would be bitching up a storm if I were you! It will be worth it in the long run, just don't give up, keep trying! There's been times where I've been wanting to give up, it happens, just keep pushing yourself, you'll be glad you did!

Unfortunately Medicaid won't be much help insurance angle wise, it's impossible to get ahold of a representative. (They basically won't even talk with you if you aren't a doctor.)

I sent off an e-mail again to see what the doctor says, which not sure what else to do without even knowing which lab has gone missing. :/

Also, I'm really nervous about doing anything brings extra scrutiny to the labs. Medicaid is covering them through the hospital lab as is policy, but I know they don't normally cover trans related stuff in GA. From what it sounds like I am in a sort of blood work loophole as long as I don't say what it's for. I'm willing to pay for them out of pocket if I have to, but my funds are so finite that I have to save every cent I can.

That sucks! I'm sorry this is happening to you. Definitely be contacting them every day if need be, there's no reason it should take this long. I'd actually call your doctor, an email may seem lower priority than an actual phone call. Or better (if you can ever get the wheels), go there in person.

Quote from: Sarah_P on December 08, 2017, 11:44:05 AM
That sucks! I'm sorry this is happening to you. Definitely be contacting them every day if need be, there's no reason it should take this long. I'd actually call your doctor, an email may seem lower priority than an actual phone call. Or better (if you can ever get the wheels), go there in person.

It's through telemed at a place in Atlanta (I'm 7 hours or so away from there) so going in person not really an option. I was trying to plan ahead for when I love to Atlanta next year a bit maintaining continuity of care. I was told to call by my step mother, but I have a really hard time doing that because I feel like I'm imposing on them, total personality flaw with me.

 A month for lab results??? That is horrible. My testosterone lab through the VA must be sent from Portland, Or to Seattle, Wa to have them do it. I have the results available in my VA records in under a week. All my other labs are done in less time.
  Being through medicaid it is likely hung up in bureaucratic BS, especially if your doctor is saying it happens a lot. ie being help up for payment.

  Hang in there Ellie. I know all those signs and feelings that you are going through. I know it will do no good but  .. Stop it!  Try to find something to bring you out of this downward spiral you're in. I really don't need company down here. lol
  Hoping for better times.

  Hugs,
    Laurie

Quote from: Roll on December 08, 2017, 11:55:13 AM
It's through telemed at a place in Atlanta (I'm 7 hours or so away from there) so going in person not really an option. I was trying to plan ahead for when I love to Atlanta next year a bit maintaining continuity of care. I was told to call by my step mother, but I have a really hard time doing that because I feel like I'm imposing on them, total personality flaw with me.

I know exactly how you feel there. I'm constantly more worried about being a bother to other people than I am about getting what I need need or want. I don't know if it's not wanting to add any more trouble to someone's day, or about me not wanting someone I don't even really know to dislike me because I made them do more work.

You can't let those worries stop you when it's something truly important, and this is that thing! Don't let those numb feelings hold you back, either (I know them oh so well, too). You have the opportunity to change your future for the better, don't let it slip away! Light a fire under you!  OK, don't LITERALLY light a fire, that would hurt.