so i started T in late october on a low dose, to which i was responding reasonably well but my doctor noticed that my levels were dropping so he decided to increase the dose.  a small part of the problem was that i actually ran out (must have lost a few drops during drawing) and my last dose was only half of what it should have been--but he said that alone wouldn't account for too much, and he wanted to try going up anyway. 
all well and good, but either he forgot to order the new prescription or someone really messed up in the pharmacy, because i went 2 weeks without a shot waiting for the call he said i'd be getting...  i finally gave up and called the pharmacy to ask what was going on, and they said nothing had been ordered.  so i had to go through the online system and order it myself. 
so after missing two and a half doses, i'm back on again with more to take (which thankfully makes it easier for me to draw, too) and i am pretty excited to be making progress.

but it occurs to me, some changes happened a little faster than i was expecting them to.  not much, but i've noticed several chin hairs sprouting up, and other body hair darkening.  my voice has had a slight change, kind of like when you get a cold.  nothing that my family or coworkers have noticed yet, but if those things are happening at less than 2 months on, how much time do i really have to figure out how (and whether) to have "the talk" with them?

my family knows i was talking to my doctor about starting T, but i haven't told them that i already started it.  i live with my grandma, who is very judgmental, and have really been hoping to avoid confrontation with her.  unfortunately, i still haven't found an affordable place to live, and even if i do find one, i may not be able to move before the topic gets brought up again.  that might be unpleasant, but i care less and less about her opinions, so unless she plans on kicking me out over this, whatever she says shouldn't really affect me.  it's more the surrounding stress that i'm worried about.  tiptoeing around her is bad enough, more so when she's got something to nag and moan about 24/7...

then there's work.  i've tried to look up "coming out at work", but haven't really found much that spoke to my situation.  my counselor suggested writing a letter to my supervisor and asking her to be the one to breach the topic with coworkers, and i guess that's really the only thing i can do, but i'm awfully nervous about that.  i didn't think i was afraid of possibly losing my job, but i realized today i really am.  i don't think they'd be so dumb as to fire me on the spot for that, of course, but at the first opportunity to "let some people go", suppose this will put me first in line?  i can't say for sure why that was the case at my last job, but i did come out to one of the supervisors there and had shorter hair then, so i can't entirely dismiss the possibility.  i am not one of those people to run around crying "discrimination" everywhere i go; i'm more inclined toward the opposite.  but with the stories i've heard from the same company in other parts of the state, i'm really nervous about what's going to happen when i give her that letter and especially when i start showing actual visible changes.  i'm not sure where that will put me.  i'm already sort of an outcast at work, though it's gotten better since we switched shifts.

and just in general... i don't relish the thought of hitting that awkward in-between phase where no one can tell if i'm a man or a woman, and that puts them on edge.  i got some nastiness at my previous job from customers, and i wasn't even on hormones then.  i can only hope i start "passing" sooner rather than later because it's gonna be a bumpy ride.  would be better if i at least had my own place, but that's easier said than done.

i know what i have to do and have a vague idea of how to do it at this point, but happy as i am to be getting somewhere, that also means finally being faced with all the horrors of "getting there".

Quote from: meatwagon on December 13, 2017, 01:30:20 PMhow much time do i really have to figure out how (and whether) to have "the talk" with them?

It's different for everyone but as someone with rapid changes, I figure I had 4 months before my body hair was darker and all in and anybody seeing that would have prompted more than just funny looks. My arm hairs were all male-looking by then and people will probably notice that if your arms and legs are exposed. Can shave them to give yourself more time, although I didn't.

My voice cleared the hoarse stage at 2 months in and at eight months it was being assumed male on the phone. At 1 year and 1 month in it's now difficult to disguise it if I wanted to. It was always tough disguising it after the initial drop but now it can't be passed off as a cold or a sore throat. It's genuinely deeper, male-toned and talking from the throat and not the chest is something I've forgotten to do, or it does not occur to me to do very often any more.

At 1 year 1 month in, if I don't shave for 3-4 days, people are gonna notice the stubble at a pace or so away. The hairline pattern on the scalp is also male now; don't know if they register that consciously or not but it does look different - that happened about 5 months in. About the beard - I use minoxidil though, and have been for a month. This has sped up the rate of turning the facial hair terminal massively. You may have more time if you don't use something like that to delay the beard coming in. I have some decent coverage now and the only parts where it needs to come in properly are the connectors and some parts of the neck. I figure it would take considerably longer without the minoxidil increasing the blood circulation for the changing hairs, as the rate of development was pretty slow on my beard, even though all of my other changes seemed super fast. I think people would probably have noticed some of those stubble hairs if they were close up at 6 months in, but they were the slowest of all the changes.   

You might also start changing shape - my shoulders and upper body got noticeably bigger and more muscular about 1-2 months in, people might comment on that if they can see it. Granted I was doing a lot of physical endurance training, but I wasn't lifting and I still gained decent muscle. I'm told you do need to work at it to get real definition, however I was getting comments about it almost right away. People were asking to feel my biceps, or just staring at them a lot, along with the traps, and they are pretty large, tbh. Granted these people were aware of the T, but even if people aren't you might well see some visible increase in muscle mass, particularly if you're normally pretty skinny?

Most other things you can keep under wraps as long as you want.

If your changes are as fast as mine, you have about 4-6 month roughly before people are going to notice a bunch of things. By 1 year, you're not going to be able to hide the voice without effort and it's never going to sound like your original voice did again. Depending on the darkness of your facial hair, you might find it easier to hide or harder. Mine is medium dark brown rather than black, so it's not too visible from a few paces away but up close or in profile against a darker/lighter background - obvious as hell unless I just shaved.

good stuff to know!

well i got more of a pear shape with noodle arms... kinda the worst of both worlds when crossing my dad's stocky family with the beanpoles on my mom's side ;v;  so a little thickening on the top half probably wouldn't be noticed by most anyway unless i seriously started working out.  (i really should, but ya know... "life" rn) but either way, could easily chalk that up to "getting in shape", so there's that..

i honestly don't want to shave lol but i'm trying to weigh what's more important: being excited about tiny little facial hairs (like some kind of teenager), or stress of dealing with grandma and coworkers finally having to notice/accept what's going on...  then again, they'll have to find out eventually, won't they?  just a question of doing it before it becomes obvious or after? 

sorry if i'm rambling, just trying to figure this out!  i know i probably still have a good bit of time before they'd REALLY notice enough to say anything, so at least i got a little while to get it sorted..

I didn't grow the facial hairs out for a while. Didn't want to invite any scrutiny with the wrong people, plus there wasn't enough coverage for a while. They were unnoticeable for most of that first year until the hairs actually get thicker and feel like actual bristles. If you aren't ready to mention it, you still have plenty of time and can disguise it for a while I think. The voice is the main issue, or the lack of chest if you're post surgery. They will probably invite notice.

well, i'm more concerned about how to handle the inevitable conversation than hiding or putting it off.  i don't plan on leaving my job unless they make me (at least not until well after i've found a place to live and am confident enough to start looking for something better), so i'm gonna have to deal with this at some point--preferably before it reaches the point of having to work to cover things up.  i just don't know how to go about it...

I wouldn't know either. I'm no good with softening awkward subjects so I would just get it over with with a blunt statement - when the time feels appropriate.

When I came out at work, I ripped off the bandaid and asked my manager to forward a mass email to the department announcing my name change. I didn't want to go through an awkward period tip-toeing around because I wasn't sure who knew what, and I didn't want the stress of working myself to come out multiple times to different people. Also, this way I got to control the phrasing rather than risk leaving it to someone who wasn't educated or sensitive regarding the issue.

It may not be the best option in every workplace, but I'm glad I ended up doing it the way I did.

yeah, i don't know if i can handle having to come out to everyone individually as they start asking questions.  i just wish i knew how to word everything--and what to even say--to tell the supervisor.  i feel completely lost on that, like every time i try to think about it i go totally blank.  it's starting to get really frustrating.  my therapist said she'd give me a "proof-read" if i wrote a letter for my supervisor and brought it in at our next visit, but i can't even get as far as a first draft.  i have no idea what i'm doing, because i've never had to even consider doing anything remotely like this and i don't know anyone who has. 
i don't know what their policy is on this kind of thing, i don't know how the individuals i'll be dealing with will feel about it, i don't know what to expect or what to ask of them.  no idea if it's appropriate or necessary to say "use these pronouns from now on" or to ask that she tell all my coworkers about this just so i won't have to do it..  i am just completely lost.

There's no particular right way to do it... might as well just write the letter worded as if you're standing in front of them and say what you want to say as to the point as possible. They'll call you in to talk about it anyway and elaborate I guess, so the letter doesn't have to be some work of art, or super detailed, it's just a prompt isn't it. You'll get a chance to add stuff in person with them I'm sure.

i do prefer to have to say as little in person as possible, tbh..  i really don't like being put on the spot and told to explain myself, or having to repeat things, so the less i have to do of that, the better.  i just wish i could find something, anything, to help prepare me and give me some idea of what to do or what to expect before going in.  but i can't seem to find advice that speaks to my situation, or even relevant examples of people who work at the same place and how they handled it.  i know individual stores/managers will be different, but just something to go off of would make this a lot easier. 


i work at walmart, where i have been going by my preferred name since orientation day.  they let you choose what goes on your nametag, and that's what everyone calls me (except once or twice, a manager who wasn't very familiar with me used the name on the records, which was my birth name, but most of my coworkers don't even know that my chosen name isn't my birth name).  i don't wear women's clothes, haven't done so in several years, so how i dress or what name i use at work isn't changing.  we have a "family" restroom, so what bathroom i use isn't changing, either (not any time soon, anyway).  what will change is the physical things; i can't stop them from coming, nor would i wish to try, so my coworkers and managers need to be aware of that.  i would hope that they would respect my gender identity and stop referring to me in feminine terms.  but i have no idea how management would go about addressing that and i have no idea how to even ask for it.  i don't know anything about how this situation is handled, or how to properly word any of the things i may or may not need to say.

Yeah there's not much out there.

In that case before you do this, be prepared for the worst. You said you'd heard things about the company you work for elsewhere not being the best with this stuff. You probably already did this but look up their company policies beforehand in case they figure there's some reason in there that you "shouldn't" work for them and be openly trans, and know your state rights in regard to discrimination at work so you can counter with them in a meeting if they call one on this. I would guess it's a given at some point they going to have some questions, at least in terms of what it's going to mean for them - do you need new dress code, do you need new name tags, are all your payslips now going to be in a new name, which toilet facilities you'll now be using etc. and that's fair enough I suppose.

Once you put it to management there's how to handle putting it to coworkers which can be another thing altogether. That's going to depend partially on how your manager deals with it or wants to. They might leave it all up to you to deal with or they might want to make an announcement to the other staff about it, and maybe they'll do that in some meeting along with other items taking some of the pressure off you. Depending on how well you know the management and the other staff you might be able to figure how they will probably prefer to handle it.