I had such a fun weekend!! I'm gunna post some stuff about the last few nights, some is transition stuff and some is just about my overall well being 

So Friday night I went out for the first time in a while with a certain group of friends. The girl I ran the race with on thursday set something up for her boyfriend's birthday while he was in town, so we started the night by going to a new brewery. Then we went to another bar and my friend Nicole kept me company most of the time while the boys hung out and did their thing. She invited me outside at one point to talk while she smoked and she told me that she really wants to just call me Maddie lol. She told me that she ended up telling her boyfriend about me a couple months ago, which I'm fine with, I was actually going to ask her about it, I know that's a big secret to keep from him and I know that from his perspective it seems a little sketchy to see your girlfriend hanging out with someone presenting as male while you're miles apart (they have a long distance relationship but she's moving in with him soon). She said he was accepting and happy for me, which is awesome! She said she can already see changes in me and that my face already looks more feminine. She said I have a really feminine nose, which I thought was funny cuz I always hated my nose! Talking to her made me feel really good about myself, she's the sweetest person ever and made me feel really accepted. So remember a few weeks ago on here when I was bummed out about about these girls hanging out without me? She actually brought that up and she said she felt terrible about it, she said they never really get to see each other and it was a last minute thing. I have a feeling that I'm not going to be excluded next time around. She's having a going away party in a few weeks and she said I should come as Maddie because no one will care, but I don't know if I'm ready for that just quite yet. After the bar she invited me to our other friend's house, so a few of us went up there and hung out for a while and it was really fun. I didn't get home until about 2am, which is very rare for me, and I still woke up at 7 the next morning out of habit lol. Oh, and the whole night I only had one beer!

Saturday night I hung out with 2 of my friends that I almost never get to see. They don't know about me yet and I considered telling them but our conversation never got to the point where I felt like it would be a good time to bring it up so I just let it go, but I know they would be supportive. I was actually wearing foundation that night and I did my hair in a feminine style and no one said anything, aside from this girl's mom, she called me goldy locks lol. I've known this girl's cousin since I was 5 and she invited me out to dinner with her mom, aunts, and cousins and she said I should come cuz I'm basically family <3 after the family thing I went to the wine bar with just the 2 of them and we just chilled and chatted with the bartender all night that I'm good friends with. The bartender knows about my transition so I texted her the next day and asked if it was obvious that I was wearing makeup and she said no. She's actually the one who sold it to me cuz she works at Sephora too, so I trust her opinion lol. As I was giving my friends a ride back home my one friend said that she really likes my group of friends and that they're some of the best people she's met from the area, and that made me feel really good. I had 2 glasses of wine that night and I drank them slowly and felt a very small buzz from it, so it went a lot better than the last time I drank!

So last night I had a meeting with a small group of people that I'm setting up a show with. There's a thing called "Lady Fest" that's a national event where people can set one up in their own town and we are organizing one for my area in April. We were talking about what bands to get and one of my friends (the one member of the group that knows about me) wants to include bands that are allies to the cause but may not have any members that are female, trans, gay, or non-binary, and I'm on her side, I feel like they should be included, but a couple other people disagreed, and I definitely see where they are coming from too. So I texted my one friend after the meeting saying that I think I'm gunna have to come out to the group soon because I felt weird being there with others under the assumption that I'm a straight cis-male, there were a few times where I wanted to speak up about something but I didn't because of that. I have a band that I want to be included in one of the shows, and I mentioned that to my friend in the text saying that I wanna play but I think I should just let it go for now, even though I plan on hopefully being out by the day of the show. She wrote back to me saying that she had dinner after the meeting with the one girl who thought the allies should be excluded and as they were leaving this girl asked about me. She asked my friend what pronouns I prefer and my friend told her that it's something she would have to ask me herself. She then told my friend to tell me that she loved me, which is really sweet. My friend said she is under the assumption that this girl thinks I'm non-binary.

Also, I wanna note that my avatar is from over the summer before I started HRT, I think I'm gunna try to get some new pics this week and update it. I'll post some pics in here and then this thread might not have much activity for a couple weeks but I'll post an update after I go see my doctor on December 15th

sorry for the long post, if you made it all the way through then thanks for reading! I love you girls and I love having a place like this to write about things!

That all sounds great, I'm glad everything worked out with thing from a few weeks ago!

I agree with you on the bands thing, it seems strange to me to not be inclusive. Any band willing to play an event like that deserves recognition too.

Quote from: Roll on November 27, 2017, 09:17:41 AM
That all sounds great, I'm glad everything worked out with thing from a few weeks ago!

I agree with you on the bands thing, it seems strange to me to not be inclusive. Any band willing to play an event like that deserves recognition too.

Thanks! I'm glad it worked out too, but I'm not sure if the other 2 girls felt bad about or not, idk if it was something they all discussed or not, Nicole is the only one who talked to me about it and I didn't really say anything. you can't change the past and I don't wanna make them feel bad because I feel like I would be guilting them into hanging out with me, best to just let it go at this point. I'm still gunna leave them alone a bit, I'm an excitable person and I don't want that to get to the point where i'm overbearing. I'll be seeing all of them again in a few week and a couple more times during the holiday season.

as for the event, yeah, I don't think we should be exclusive, especially since we're having a hard time finding bands already! A lot of them don't respond or want too much money (it's a charity event for YWCA and Trans Lifeline). The one girl's argument was that if it was a black event, would it be ok for an all white band to play? My friend's answer was no but it's different. The other girls said that it's not. The one girl against it was saying that anyone can come but not anyone could play, but I feel like if someone gets rejected from being able to play then they won't feel welcome and won't support it at all. Last year there was a similar event and I really wanted to play and I was told I couldn't, and I was very bummed out about it. I still went and I had fun but I thought that there were a lot of people I know that should have been there but weren't, and then a lot of people who came out to this never ended up coming out to support other local music shows. There's definitely a divide in the local music scene, I want to unite it it!

  I agree with Ellie nothing there to complain about and you are gaining more offline support which is great. I like the idea of you updating your avatar and am going to hold you to it.

Hugs,
   Laurie

It's a shame they aren't being more inclusive. Part of the problem with making everything requisite of a specific identity, is you wind up alienating people who could be some of your greatest allies. Conflating gender identity (or for that matter sexual orientation) with race or ethnicity also feels like it is a mistake, and I agree with the girl who said that's different. Regardless, it's exciting!

And like Laurie, I want to see new avatar too!

Quote from: Laurie on November 27, 2017, 03:07:03 PM
  I agree with Ellie nothing there to complain about and you are gaining more offline support which is great. I like the idea of you updating your avatar and am going to hold you to it.

Hugs,
   Laurie

hehe thanks, you can start scolding me if I don't have one up by friday!

Quote from: Roll on November 27, 2017, 05:49:29 PM
It's a shame they aren't being more inclusive. Part of the problem with making everything requisite of a specific identity, is you wind up alienating people who could be some of your greatest allies. Conflating gender identity (or for that matter sexual orientation) with race or ethnicity also feels like it is a mistake, and I agree with the girl who said that's different. Regardless, it's exciting!

And like Laurie, I want to see new avatar too!

yeah, I'm gunna have lunch with my friend tomorrow and talk about this. She's the one who knows about me and is all for including allies. I'm gunna try to brainstorm with her and make a stronger argument the next time we discuss the issue

Quote from: Maddie86 on November 27, 2017, 06:03:57 PM
yeah, I'm gunna have lunch with my friend tomorrow and talk about this. She's the one who knows about me and is all for including allies. I'm gunna try to brainstorm with her and make a stronger argument the next time we discuss the issue

Well, as far as the ethnicity/race comparison, you could try pointing out that there are really two main types of events. General advocacy type events (classic civil rights stuff), and events based around showcasing disenfranchised talent. In the case of advocacy, there is no expectation for the performers to hold to a particular identity. There is often a skew certainly simply as a matter of logistics, but it's rarely a requirement. (Ie: You are more likely to have a larger number of black artists sign up to participate in a black lives matter concert than you are random white bands, but that doesn't mean they would turn away anyone who fit the lineup and audience just because they were not black.) What the girl against inclusion seems to be thinking of is more the other type of event showcasing or celebrating those who are disenfranchised because of their identity. For example, black artists are often overlooked by many mainstream awards shows, so it makes sense to limit the pool for an award show developed explicitly to recognize those artists. Same concept for a concert. So if there was a large array of trans artists or bands with trans members not receiving attention because of that status, then yeah that would make sense. But somehow I doubt this is the case, and imagine it more along the lines of a general advocacy event?

ok, well earlier this week I said I'd take some new pics, so here they are! They're not so great, I could have done a better job with the makeup, I don't like the eyeshadow color lol (I love this lip color though!!), and I feel like I look awkward in all of them and the lighting isn't very good, but I spent so much time getting ready for em that I felt like I needed to post em anyways, think any of them are avatar worthy? most of these clothes are new, I got to small for a lot of my old ones! 2 things that I really don't like: my white cami is way too sheer, that's why I crossed my arms in those pics. also, I didn't do a good job blending my makeup from my neck to my chest, I think I need a lighter shade. oh well, here ya go!

Wow, looking really good! Feminine figure is really showing through heavily in those pictures.

aw, thank you! <3

Very nice Maddie and with a day to spare yet. I think you look nice in all of them. I think my favorite would be the top one that you are using for your avatar except for you cutting the top of your head off. Because of that I think I would chose the last on in the skirt. Crop to a bust shot (head and upper chest) is how I would do it for your avatar. All the shots are good and it was a hard choice for which I think would make a good avatar. The shadow and lipstick look good as does the rest of your makeup job. You done good girl. Real good.

Hugs,
   Laurie

Quote from: Laurie on November 30, 2017, 06:11:36 PM
Very nice Maddie and with a day to spare yet. I think you look nice in all of them. I think my favorite would be the top one that you are using for your avatar except for you cutting the top of your head off. Because of that I think I would chose the last on in the skirt. Crop to a bust shot (head and upper chest) is how I would do it for your avatar. All the shots are good and it was a hard choice for which I think would make a good avatar. The shadow and lipstick look good as does the rest of your makeup job. You done good girl. Real good.

Hugs,
   Laurie

aw, thank you! I went with this avatar because I feel like my forehead is huge, and I'm self-conscious about my hairline because it's starting to thin out a bit I'm gunna play around with some other eyeshadow colors and maybe I'll post a new pic next time I dress up!

Quote from: Maddie86 on November 30, 2017, 07:26:40 PM
aw, thank you! I went with this avatar because I feel like my forehead is huge, and I'm self-conscious about my hairline because it's starting to thin out a bit I'm gunna play around with some other eyeshadow colors and maybe I'll post a new pic next time I dress up!

  But Maddy, No one should lose their head over split hairs.

One more week until I go back to the doctor, yay! In 9 more days it will have been 5 months since I started HRT!! Honestly, I don't think I've really seen much new development over the last month, I think things are getting a little stagnant so hopefully he ups my estrogen again. I'm not on a super low dose anymore but I THINK there's still plenty of room for me to go higher

I had a few dreams this morning though that were kind of upsetting, regression seemed to be the theme in all of them. in the first one I was staring in the mirror and tearing up because I was fat again and I had a shaved head. I used to shave my head but the last time I did was 2011. In the dream you could really see that I had a lot of hair loss at the top of my head, I was a fat bald man and it was very upsetting. in my 2nd dream I saw 2 of my girlfriends that I feel like I've been on the outs with lately. in the dream I tried talking to them and then they said something that bummed me out (I don't remember what), so I turned around and started walking away and then they told me to wait and they walked up to me and started listing off the things they liked about me to try and cheer me up. I hung out with them over thanksgiving weekend and had fun and I thought things were fine now but then last weekend they did some fun stuff without me that I wish I could have been a part of. Then I had one more dream, it was job related. I'm at a point where I'm getting ready to leave my construction job and I'm terrified because it's been such a long time since I had to find a new line of work, and in this dream I actually went back to my first job that I had in high school, I was a dishwasher at a local Italian restaurant

also, I've been sick the last few days and it sucks. I was texting my one friend last night and she said that even though I'm on hormones it still sounded like I have "man flu" 

So I think Maddie will be making some more appearances soon. My friend is having a Slovak Christmas dinner at the end of the month for her friends and I think I'm gunna dress up for that. Some of the people there were at her halloween party and since it's out of town I think I wanna make it a point to be my female self any time I go up there now. I have a friend who is moving in January or February and I wanna go out with her as Maddie before she leaves. She's having a going away party on the 22nd that she said I should dress for but I don't think I'm ready for that quite yet. I'm gunna see if we can go to Syracuse or Ithaca for a night and I can dress for that. Or maybe dress up for a drag night in town

oh and one last thing, I think I'm about a week away from my next weight goal!! I wanna get to 192. I know I've said that 186 was my next goal, but I got a new scale a few weeks back and it turns out my old scale was off by 6lbs, so at 192 I will officially be down 100lbs since last december!! today I weighed in at 193.6!!

Hi Maddy

  I'm sorry to hear you are not quite up to par. I actually had to google man flu and it gave me a chuckle. Hope you feel better soon.
  Congrats on the weight loss I should be doing something about mine but atm its not important to me. lol there's not much important to me these days. But anyway here's hoping you get that 192 mark soon 100 lbs is awesome. You can do it girl.
  Also I hope Maddy really enjoys her upcoming outings. And don't let them dreams bother you.

Hugs,
   Laurie

Yay!! I had a prettyyyyy good visit with my doctor today!

This is the thing that I'm most excited about... my testosterone level! My doctor said that the average male level is between 160 and 726 nl/dL. back in September mine was at 54. He said that for his mtf trans patients the goal is to get down to 50 or lower. As of today mine is less than 20!!! He didn't change my spiro dose at this visit, which I am extremely happy about.

Unfortunately I still have quite a ways to go with my estrogen. Back in September I was at 32 pg/mL. Today I was at 47.3. He told me he wants me to be between 100 and 200. This time he's waiting 4 months between visits. He upped my dose of estrogen, so hopefully it helps, but I'm still pretty bummed that I'm less than half of where he wants me to be. I do know that this takes time, but in 4 months I will be at 9 months of HRT, so I may ask him about injections. He did examine my breasts and he definitely agreed that there is some female development, so that's good to know!

I asked about my potassium too and he said it was at 4.4 (I didn't get the measurements). last time it was at 4.0, so it's gone up but he said I don't have to worry about it just yet, and it's a very small percentage of people who do end up having to worry about it (that's just what he told me though, if you're wondering about it I'd recommend asking your doctor yourself!).

The day started off on kind of a sour note for me. I was really hoping I would be at 192.5lbs or less. I was at 193.4, I only lost .2 of a pound since last week!! I'm gunna work really hard at getting down to my goal by next Friday! I asked my doctor about my weight and he said I'm doing really good, and that I only really need to lose about 10 more lbs, he said to try and maintain 185. I got freaked out because I saw a BMI chart online that said I needed to get down to 165 to not be considered overweight. I talked to 2 friends who work out a lot and they said the chart was BS. My doctor said that in May my body mass was at 35, and now I'm at 29. He said I should aim for 26 or less.

So my doctor is an hour away from me, he's in Oneonta NY, and since I had the day off I decided to explore a bit. I'm familiar with that area pretty well so I hit up some neat stuff. I went up and got breakfast and then I hit up the school that some friends of mine used to go to and I drove by the house that my friend used to live at where she had some really fun parties, some of my first times ever getting drunk were up there! Then I grabbed lunch and headed up to Cooperstown. On the way there I stopped at a winery and did a tasting (I didn't like any so I didn't buy anything) and I also went to a really cute cider mill. They have a great gift shop, I bought a mug with a trick or treating puppy on it! After that I finally went into downtown Cooperstown. I didn't spend much time there, I just wanted to see the lake where the Susquehanna River starts. There's a lot of history to this spot, but it's a pretty dark history. It's where they started an expedition during the Rev War to travel down the river and wipe out any Native American villages. After that I hit up a couple cemeteries because I love exploring them. One I found was a really cool location, it was up on a hill in the woods that wasn't even a dirt path, it was just a grass trail! Good thing I have 4 wheel drive and new tires! After that I had my appointment and then I went and grabbed dinner and headed home

You have to ignore BMI, it is complete nonsense. Pseudo science at its finest based on very arbitrary standards established by non-representative samples that people latched onto as part of the modern nutrition fads. It's medical value is not even zero, it's an outright negative that is harmful to patients. I have no idea why so many doctors still reference it at all, as even the ones who do "off the record" will all say it is worthless. Lazy medicine I suppose.

Even the original creator of it (way back in that golden age of medicine, the 1830s) didn't intend it to be a measurement of health (the concept of obesity probably didn't even exist).

It sounds like a pretty good day for you Maddie. Keep it up. You will make the weight you want.

Hugs
Laurie

I did it I did it I FREAKING DID IT!!!

I weighed in the morning and I was at 190.6lbs. I was trying to get to 192lbs because that's the 100lb mark. I LOST 100LBS SINCE LAST DECEMBER!!!

I'm so excited! I've been working so hard on this! I literally jumped for joy this morning after I weighed in!

Last week I asked my doctor what my end goal should be and he said about 180 to 185. I set a goal of 175 months ago, and I still have a little bit of a gut to lose, so I'm still going to try and get to it, but I think I probably won't be able to hit it until the spring, but I'm go with that

In other news, my chest has been going crazy since my latest estrogen increase the girls have been even more sensitive and they're starting to itch! I think I'm getting a little more emotional too.

Ok, so I feel bad sharing this pic because I look disgusting in it, but this is from back in February, which is when I decided that I was going to transition, this is right around when I started my weight loss journey. My fashion sense has gotten better since then, and I'm way better at doing my hair and makeup now too! I've come such a long way!