Very much so. I drove people away, and eventually ended up running away to a small town to avoid as many people as possible. I saw the few friends I still had like once every 2-3 months, sometimes longer. I even changed my phone number so my parents couldn't get a hold of me any more (which I deeply regret, because my grandmother passed away during that time).
I'd say I started isolating myself from others around 15 years ago, and moved to this town 13 years ago. It's only been downhill since. I haven't dated or had sex in almost 20 years.
I'm slowly coming back from that, I've already made a few new friends, reconnected with an older friend I hadn't spoken with in years, and as soon as I get out of this horrible little town and finally living as my true self, I hope to make more friends & give dating another whirl.

My whole life. I never sought friends as I didn't really understand how to play with boys, and girls confused me. As I got older I learned to pretend and offer a social facade. People called me cold, unemotional and unresponsive. I'm not and never have been, just been afraid to be me and that built a barrier that no one - not even my wife ever fully penetrated.

Hi hon,

This is a hard phrase to write, but I am the collateral damage from a dysfunctional family. The following comes with trigger warnings and content warnings.

A lot of what follows is current self learning from therapy, but is likely to change, as my thinking evolves.

I have poorly defined boundaries, that I will readily capitulate if I feel that it's what is desired. If I dare to support them, I feel guilt and shame. I deeply regret having supported myself, and am flooded with feelings of shame and disgust with myself - quintessential self loathing. The shame that I feel as a result of these social interactions drives me to protect myself.

This mechanism means that social interaction is fraught - I need it, but every time I need time to recover. Too much, and I am less able to recover, and a slow descent begins - finding a balance is very difficult.

Yes, I am fragile, and if that loathing has a gendered component the urge to physically inflict the pain I'm feeling, it is almost irresistible.

All of this gets reflected in being guarded, and reluctant to engage in social occasions - being me is out of the question, and this behaviour has been running for more than 30 years. The current episode I have a space that I go to, when all is too much, and am currently sleeping there as I feel too toxic for contact.

However, when I'm in a good space, there's nothing I enjoy more.

Trying not to be the party pooper

Rowan

Quote from: Sno on December 17, 2017, 10:55:40 PM

However, when I'm in a good space, there's nothing I enjoy more.

Trying not to be the party pooper

Rowan

Rowan,

  Read your post breaks my heart. No one should ever feel that broken. It's horrible but I think I understand it at least in part. I may even have been there myself. Indeed I don't believe that I have found my way out of it yet. I feel better, yes, but the reality of it is nothing has changed yet. As a result Hun, I think I feel at least some of your pain.
  On a brighter note I love that you have been around a lot more and have made an effort to help others including myself. Thank you for that and for being here with us. Don't you go running off again. Do you hear me Rowan? You stick around.

Hugs,
  Laurie

A couple of years back I did try to reach out to more people. I hadn't seen my parents since 2010ish, and they didn't bother talking much so I thought maybe they thought it was my fault and I was cutting them out, so I tried to get a bit closer to them. It didn't work. They thought I was attention seeking - I mean in a sense I was, by reminding them I exist while they were busy doting on my sister's kids I suppose. Then I got angry about it because it was said behind the scenes to another relative that that's what one of my parents thought the whole transition thing was, nothing more than attention-seeking, and this relative (my aunt) told me. A rift in the family had developed over this, my aunt and uncle on one side defending me and my parents on the other and I barely knew a thing about it. Which was embarrassing.

Then my parents just gave up bothering with me altogether. I gave up too. I was bothered about it for a while but realize it was futile.

Then I found out how several people really thought about me and it was surprising. There were some friends whom I assumed were close but actually weren't and didn't have any need for me at all. There were a few uncomfortable revelations at home where I found I just wasn't all that important to some people.

These were just some bitter pills I needed to take I guess. That you should never assume about people because you just never know, even if you're blood, or have years of history. I'm more wary about "friendship" and companionship now. If it's there, great, but I definitely can't expect it to be there all the time or for people to have time for me. That was the main thing - people did not have time for me, even the ones who had always had mine.

That's led to a new sort of state of mind over the last year or so. Disengaging from those ideas and spending more time just doing things I want to do for myself instead of wasting it where I'm not having much positive out of it but still putting the time in anyway. That's a bit more social isolation than before, but not deliberately. It's just making sure I don't waste too much time and put too much store in people who probably won't have any time for me if I need it. It's been a net positive to do this, as I've spent less time being annoyed. There's also the idea I should go seek out some like-minded people as well for something specific, some activity we are all passionate for; maybe diving or caving like I used to, or whatever. Sort, focused bursts of purposeful interaction maybe. A lot of efficient fun can be had that way.

Hi Laurie,

I've been this broken for decades. I've been papering over the cracks for a very long time, but I'm not able to at the moment, and am taking the opportunity to try to fix some of the mess.

I'll be ok.

Rowan

I often say I wish there was a magical island retreat where I could go and transition in solitude until I felt ready to re-enter myself into society. This however is not reality and we're forced to continue interacting with people even on some small level. 

For me I love being alone however I also find this to be dangerous as my insecurities about not passing and not being accepted don't get tested or dealt with so when the time comes to go out as me it becomes a "big ordeal". I find when I force myself to interact with my friends more regularly I feel much more comfortable with by body in the long term. 

Much love. <3

Quote from: Sno on December 17, 2017, 10:55:40 PM
Hi hon,

This is a hard phrase to write, but I am the collateral damage from a dysfunctional family. The following comes with trigger warnings and content warnings.

A lot of what follows is current self learning from therapy, but is likely to change, as my thinking evolves.

I have poorly defined boundaries, that I will readily capitulate if I feel that it's what is desired. If I dare to support them, I feel guilt and shame. I deeply regret having supported myself, and am flooded with feelings of shame and disgust with myself - quintessential self loathing. The shame that I feel as a result of these social interactions drives me to protect myself.

This mechanism means that social interaction is fraught - I need it, but every time I need time to recover. Too much, and I am less able to recover, and a slow descent begins - finding a balance is very difficult.

Yes, I am fragile, and if that loathing has a gendered component the urge to physically inflict the pain I'm feeling, it is almost irresistible.

All of this gets reflected in being guarded, and reluctant to engage in social occasions - being me is out of the question, and this behaviour has been running for more than 30 years. The current episode I have a space that I go to, when all is too much, and am currently sleeping there as I feel too toxic for contact.

However, when I'm in a good space, there's nothing I enjoy more.

Trying not to be the party pooper

Rowan

Rowan, I read your post  !

Hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You are needed. Don't you ever give up.

I did for a long, long time. Although also I've had that forced upon me but that's another story for another time.

The main reason was this: I don't like lying. To anyone. I just don't. I don't like living a lie. Because it isn't me. And that's the real point of it. I could have fit in, with those around me. Be who they expected, or wanted me to be. It would not have been hard to do. I watched my brothers doing it. But I would rather be alone than project an image to people and have them be friends with that.

It's hard for people to see beyond what's in front of their nose. A lifetime of experience has taught me that. And living up to that... it would have made me feel worse than having nothing to do with anyone. Because I would have felt like I was betraying myself. I know people do. I know some people spend many years doing so. Through denial, or loneliness, or a myriad of other reasons. Everyone is different. But speaking for myself, for the longest time I did not know who I was. Let alone how to assimilate that into everyday life. And if I couldn't come to terms with myself, how could I expect anyone else to form any sort of attachment to me? It's like that age old saying "If you can't love yourself, how can anyone else love you?"

That's the feeling I had for many, many years. So I chose to distance myself from people. I did not want to live a lie but I also did not know the truth. I was in this grey, murky limbo. And I guess it was lonely. To a degree. But looking back, I also did not lose too much when I finally realised who I was. I had no attachments. No wife... no children. Just me. It was like finally picking up the brush and being able to paint on the blank canvas that was my life. And I suppose in a way I am glad for that. I had no one to hurt. No one really to "get used to it". Other than my brother. But we won't talk about that.

I can't say that it's a good thing. The heartache is real. The pain you feel is real. I guess people just handle life differently. It is what it is. I wish I could say I felt like I missed out on something. On friendship and... happiness? But I don't know that I did. I don't know that the person all these people would have seen was the person I ever wanted to be. So... in the end... as I say, it is what it is.

Quote from: Sephirah on December 18, 2017, 03:27:39 PM
That's the feeling I had for many, many years. So I chose to distance myself from people. I did not want to live a lie but I also did not know the truth. I was in this grey, murky limbo. And I guess it was lonely. To a degree. But looking back, I also did not lose too much when I finally realised who I was. I had no attachments. No wife... no children. Just me. It was like finally picking up the brush and being able to paint on the blank canvas that was my life. And I suppose in a way I am glad for that. I had no one to hurt. No one really to "get used to it". Other than my brother. But we won't talk about that.

I can't say that it's a good thing. The heartache is real. The pain you feel is real. I guess people just handle life differently. It is what it is. I wish I could say I felt like I missed out on something. On friendship and... happiness? But I don't know that I did. I don't know that the person all these people would have seen was the person I ever wanted to be. So... in the end... as I say, it is what it is.

Precisely! I've been actually feeling I don't want to form any new relationships with anyone - not in real life neither online, coz when I do finally transition, I don't want anyone to know what I used to be/look like in their eyes? Does that make sense? - Probably not but my SO is all what I've got in this world. No commitments whatsoever. I don't even want to have kids coz that would be a hindrance - I don't want anyone ever to stop me from living my life.

I'm only here talking to you guys coz you already know I'm trans. I don't have to explain myself.

I don't feel like I can form any real connection with anyone who thinks (or even sees) me as a w*man.

Quote from: PurpleWolf on December 18, 2017, 03:48:07 PM
Precisely! I've been actually feeling I don't want to form any new relationships with anyone - not in real life neither online, coz when I do finally transition, I don't want anyone to know what I used to be/look like in their eyes? Does that make sense? - Probably not but my SO is all what I've got in this world. No commitments whatsoever. I don't even want to have kids coz that would be a hindrance - I don't want anyone ever to stop me from living my life.

I'm only here talking to you guys coz you already know I'm trans. I don't have to explain myself.

I don't feel like I can form any real connection with anyone who thinks (or even sees) me as a w*man.

It does make sense. To me. I understand what you mean. You're basically waiting. You know what you want and you're in a holding pattern until you can achieve that. And projecting an image of someone else to people around you will only complicate matters. For them and for you. I felt much the same way, only I didn't know at the time what I was waiting for. Only this feeling of "This isn't me."

You're waiting to be yourself, and you want the world to see only yourself. I get that, totally. And when you do, you will be free.

Do it. Whenever is right for you. Do it and be free. I believe in you.

Quote from: Sephirah on December 18, 2017, 03:54:53 PM
It does make sense. To me. I understand what you mean. You're basically waiting. You know what you want and you're in a holding pattern until you can achieve that. And projecting an image of someone else to people around you will only complicate matters. For them and for you. I felt much the same way, only I didn't know at the time what I was waiting for. Only this feeling of "This isn't me."

You're waiting to be yourself, and you want the world to see only yourself. I get that, totally. And when you do, you will be free.

Do it. Whenever is right for you. Do it and be free. I believe in you.

Awesome, thanks! That made me smile, 
I'm trying my best to get on T - finally.
But thanks, that felt really encouraging, 
That really felt awesome. Thanks!!!

Socially isolated? Well, I was agoraphobic and lived as a complete shut-in for around a decade and a half. So yeah, fairly socially isolated. It's been a little while since I've mentioned my history, but I apologize to those who have read it before.

Began around puberty, would lose more and more friends, and moved to smaller and smaller schools until I just dropped out entirely at 16 to do home school. Still, I would occasionally go to the movies or out to eat. By the time I was 20, not even that except in an extraordinarily rare occasion and making it there was an anxiety fueled nightmare that required serious medication. I lived with my mother, and would go weeks without seeing another human being in person except for her and the pizza guy. Around 30, I started to make attempts to deal with the problem, but was waylaid by my mother's cancer diagnosis. when she passed away when I was 32, it was like a switch going off in my brain. I couldn't drive and had no job or degree, so moved in with my father. Yet while I was logistically still hobbled, my experiences with my mom's cancer made the rest of the world seem like nothing in comparison. I'd been through true hell, and my fears and anxiety were paltry in the face of what I had just been through. I grieved, I still do and probably always will, but I am no longer a shut-in by any means. I got my driver's license a few weeks ago at the age of 35, and that's pretty much that.

Was it all trans related? I definitely have a genetic baseline anxiety, many members of my family have it, but mine was the worst hands down. But I now also strongly believe the underlying gender issue was the complicating factor that took me to such an extreme compared to every other relative, who all manage to live their lives just fine despite the genetic anxiety.

I just remembered something. It's so natural to me that I forget I do it. But I tend to go out in the mornings and at night only. I avoid the middle of the day if I can. It's a habit ingrained into my brain because I don't like crowds and I don't really like a lot of people around and where I live there can be a lot of them in the summer. The less people around the better for me when it comes to walking the streets. This has been me since I was a kid. I used to go out at night and walk the streets in the middle of the night. I felt safer doing that than in the day somehow. There was never anyone around usually, and if they were around I was armed, and I would hear them anywhere near me. So I had no fear.

These days I still take walks at night and meet nobody. On clear nights you can walk for miles in the total dark and quiet around here. Got the whole place to myself usually. It's odd more people don't do it, it's peaceful. Any time between about 2 am and 5 am and the world is empty. By 5am the dog walkers are out and I see them when I go diving. I am much more comfortable doing stuff early. Maybe when I finish off transition this might change, but I don't think I'll lose my love of wandering around when it's empty.

Quote from: Viktor on December 19, 2017, 01:22:01 AM
I just remembered something. It's so natural to me that I forget I do it. But I tend to go out in the mornings and at night only. I avoid the middle of the day if I can. It's a habit ingrained into my brain because I don't like crowds and I don't really like a lot of people around and where I live there can be a lot of them in the summer. The less people around the better for me when it comes to walking the streets. This has been me since I was a kid. I used to go out at night and walk the streets in the middle of the night. I felt safer doing that than in the day somehow. There was never anyone around usually, and if they were around I was armed, and I would hear them anywhere near me. So I had no fear.

These days I still take walks at night and meet nobody. On clear nights you can walk for miles in the total dark and quiet around here. Got the whole place to myself usually. It's odd more people don't do it, it's peaceful. Any time between about 2 am and 5 am and the world is empty. By 5am the dog walkers are out and I see them when I go diving. I am much more comfortable doing stuff early. Maybe when I finish off transition this might change, but I don't think I'll love my love of wandering around when it's empty.

I loath crowds. We lived in Seoul for many years, a city of 10 million so crowds were the norm as were sardine can subways. I used to cycle from midnight friday to midday saturday going as far from people as possible. The sheer peace of the cycleways by the Han River at 1am with no one at all out is bliss. After e I still loath crowds but I can tolerate them longer.

 I had a sort of agrophobia were I stayed in apart from walking to the shopping centre & back for about 3 years. I started to go to different areas of town then the surrounding towns then by train a bit further afield once a week.

Ah yes, agoraphobia    I've dealt with it for years

I'd say I qualify for social avoidance for certain.
After high school I took some on again off again college courses never wanting to know anyone there. I took a job at 21 in the small town I grew up just outside of. For a decade I rarely traveled more than 10 miles from home. I lived with my mom and younger brother until I was 29. My life was work, work, tv, computer games, sleep, oh and work.
I only saw the one close friend I had from grade school through high school a few times in the earlier of those years. I had a very small world and hated even going to the store for clothes or anything. I started buying tee shirts online in bulk so when I wore some out I had spares. Always bought them in a single color at a time. I rarely ever deviated from this structured existence. Yet I always wanted to deep down.

I suppose that's another side of this. Deep inside I wanted to be like the people I saw. The woman with her kids in a store caused me a sort of pain inside. Oh and babies, geez especially the new borns. I avoided looking at these things most much like I tried to avoid wanting to be able to wear pretty clothes. I had a deep want to be included in female social circles but had to avoid all these things. That's as much a story of my disphoria as it is social avoidance. The two for me were always intertwined.

I'm deeply touched by everyone's stories here.......

Quote from: Viktor on December 19, 2017, 01:22:01 AM
I just remembered something. It's so natural to me that I forget I do it. But I tend to go out in the mornings and at night only. I avoid the middle of the day if I can. It's a habit ingrained into my brain because I don't like crowds and I don't really like a lot of people around and where I live there can be a lot of them in the summer. The less people around the better for me when it comes to walking the streets. This has been me since I was a kid. I used to go out at night and walk the streets in the middle of the night. I felt safer doing that than in the day somehow. There was never anyone around usually, and if they were around I was armed, and I would hear them anywhere near me. So I had no fear.

These days I still take walks at night and meet nobody. On clear nights you can walk for miles in the total dark and quiet around here. Got the whole place to myself usually. It's odd more people don't do it, it's peaceful. Any time between about 2 am and 5 am and the world is empty. By 5am the dog walkers are out and I see them when I go diving. I am much more comfortable doing stuff early. Maybe when I finish off transition this might change, but I don't think I'll lose my love of wandering around when it's empty.

Haha, I like to take walks too when no one is around... at night & early mornings too, 
Well, it has a lot to do with my appearance of course...
But I also like the peace & quiet like the world belongs to me.