Why oh why do I feel such anxiety surrounding this process?  I know people really dont care what I am doing but there is this small part of me that feels like people are laser focused on me when I go in public like eyeballs are burning a hole in my skull.....And to make it worse these are random people....I know they dont matter....I guess I still have a ways to go in my journey.

This is what I did.  I would chuckle to myself and think their jealous and they wish they had 1/2 the nerve/guts/courage, you pick the term, that you do.

I only know of two instances pre discovery for me that I would like to take back.  Both were on the Chicago Subway (the El) and I was fascinated by their transition.  I just wanted to talk to them but I was scared.  Now I think about how scared they may have been.

Smile.  It goes a long way to defusing any situation.

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Yea, I deal with pretty bad anxiety and that was a huge part of the reason it took me 16 years to finally go through the transition. I would always feel like people were looking at me and judging me even if I was just wearing a bra under my male clothes that no one could possibly notice, it was so stupid and irrational in hindsight, but stupid and irrational is how anxiety is a lot of the time. Over these past few months I gradually stepped up how I go out in public to the point that now I present as female full time and while I still get those flashes of fear, I don't let them overwhelm me and I push through it! Like my friends kept telling me "no one gives a ->-bleeped-<-!", and they were right, it just took me a long time to learn that lesson.

I feel the same way. I've noticed people looking or will think they are but I'll avoid eye contact at all cost.

Whenever I do look back they're staring right at me sometimes and it feels like they're clocking me. I just don't go out anymore unless I have to. It's become too annoying for me

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It's totally natural to feel anxiety for this. We know we are doing something other people don't understand and that might potentially cause us some trouble.

All the same, as someone who has some pathological anxiety issues as a kid - the best way to deal with it is to face your phobia. Just go out and do your thing and keep doing it. Others are right - 99% of people really don't care, they won't even spare 5 seconds thought about you or me, even if they do spot us. And if they happen to be the 1% that do, they won't lose sleep over it so neither should we.

Quote from: dist123 on December 23, 2017, 03:46:29 AM
I feel the same way. I've noticed people looking or will think they are but I'll avoid eye contact at all costs.

Whenever I do look back they're staring right at me sometimes and it feels like they're clocking me. I just don't go out anymore unless I have to. It's become too annoying for me

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I feel this way too sometimes.   One thing that helped me with this greatly was I met a nice girl from here when I was in Tokyo.  She somehow convinced me to get a makeover and then go out afterwards.  Truth be told, I felt worse after my makeover than I ever did before.  I wanted to hide and cry.  As we were in an area I was a complete tourist in, people were accepting and just let us be us.  I was not passable at all, but I had a decent time, and looked at pictures from the night fondly. I still don't push beyond looking a bit femme right now.  I have found the need to subtly push boundaries though.  As I see people I know react to my push, it's reduced the anxiety.  A little bit at a time works for me.

Bari Jo

Quote from: AprilRyan on December 23, 2017, 12:59:05 AM
I would always feel like people were looking at me and judging me even if I was just wearing a bra under my male clothes that no one could possibly notice, it was so stupid and irrational in hindsight, but stupid and irrational is how anxiety is a lot of the time.

I'm pushing myself to get past this right now with wearing panties. I'm convinced everyone can tell, even though I know that worst case scenario if it is even slightly visible under pants it probably just looks like briefs.

anxiety .. I've felt it. I felt it with panties, bra (the time my nipples hurt, I hate bras), girls pants, makeup. Next step is nice blouses and I'm not even publicly 'out' yet. I concentrate on how good it feels to me, how comfortable. Let people stare if they want to .. let them wonder if they want to. Accept yourself, anxiety goes down. Get out there with your head high and walk like you own the world.

Quote from: mako9802 on December 19, 2017, 01:32:17 PM
Why oh why do I feel such anxiety surrounding this process?  I know people really dont care what I am doing but there is this small part of me that feels like people are laser focused on me when I go in public like eyeballs are burning a hole in my skull.....And to make it worse these are random people....I know they dont matter....I guess I still have a ways to go in my journey.

Part of it is that we project ourselves onto other people. It isn't them who are laser focused on you. It's you who is laser focused on you. And when that happens, we get the mantra into our heads of "They MUST care, because I care!" And at times where you're feeling at best unsure, and at worst extremely self critical, this is a thousand times more pronounced.

It doesn't matter who they are. When folks go out in public sometimes they can be hyper sensitive. And that doesn't just apply to transgender people. But it's a thing. When you care so much what people will think, or say... maybe because you don't want them to say or think the "wrong" thing, then you notice every single minute detail of what people are doing, and what they might be thinking or saying. I think part of it is from subconsciously absorbing a lot of the negative stuff that folks have to deal with. So it's maybe a defense mechanism to try and protect you from harm.

And perhaps exposure is a way to make it go away or at least lessen the impact. Negative self talk has a lot to do with it. We build up these expectations inside us. Based on the way we see ourselves. We have a script that we read from. Telling us how we're this, or that, often "not good enough"... and we expect to see that affirmed in others. So we look for it. We look for it harder than we should do.

But sometimes, the opposite happens, and the negative things we think about ourselves is proved false. When someone compliments you, for example. Look out for those times. Pay attention to them. I know it's hard. But the more you do, and the more you maybe aren't looking for people to hurt you... maybe the more you may stop caring entirely about what they think.