I discovered that estrogen removes the barrier between observing something and having an emotional reaction to it. I was not an especially emotional person on the outside before or after testosterone, but I was well aware of my internal emotional reactions to things I observe or hear. In that sense I used to feel surges of emotion that would be invisible to everyone else, given the right stimuli and they were very powerful. They could easily induce tears, and this lack of control annoyed me.
With the addition of testosterone, however, this lack of a gap between experiencing and emotion is gone. There is now much more of a distance between the two and I basically haven't been moved to tears since taking it. I know I can if I want to be, I could easily allow that to happen consciously, but I can turn it off if I want to. Which from my perspective is better. I can still feel everything I did before if I want to. But I have control.
I also learned that testosterone removes the latent anxiety that came with estrogen. I no longer feel worried about my future, I don't feel anywhere near as concerned for my own personal safety as I once was. Not to some stupid degree of course - I'm still cautious by nature. But I'm not feeling dread or worry. I'm not freaking out over the world losing its collective mind or even the challenges we're going to face in future decades. I'm not bothered what other people around me do or say anywhere near as much. I don't "keep score" any more - what's the point? It seems pointless now to be so heightened around things like that. Or around tiny gestures. I no longer sweat the small stuff. If I was considered fearless before (I was, sometimes admired, often mocked for my lack of caring about danger) I don't think I have it at all now. I'm aware of risks, but I'm not feeling that fear of physical harm that holds you back from doing or trying things.
Testosterone has removed an amount of self-consciousness dealing with others which is only excellent in my view. It was exactly what I wanted, although I didn't think at first it would have delivered. Estrogen seemed to make me more neurotic and therefore more angry and belligerent - and it could get nasty, especially when I felt trapped and assailed on all sides by people or situations. Testosterone has removed the background anxiety and the care about what others are doing and so indirectly lowered my aggression. I can still be aggressive if pushed, but the hair triggers are not all around me any more. I would say that if I'm dealing with someone who is being aggressive to me the trepidation about entering into an altercation with them is gone so I have to be careful of that. Otherwise it's a net positive for reining in my frankly at times out of control anger. I will still rarely direct anger at walls and doors, but it's a thousand times better than it was. I don't feel like I'm stuck in a burning building any more in terms of dealing with those whom I cannot get away from and who will sometimes go out of their way to rile me up. The sheer frustration of years and years used to just explode out of me and be directed at anything nearby other than people. Now I'm just able to shrug at it all and walk away.
I've experienced pretty much the opposite of the myth that testosterone makes people into raging beasts. Estrogen (and particularly low estrogen only) was what made me one of those. I can now think more clearly and less impulsively. Found with the removal of that extra stress and anxiety - inside I am a contented person for the most part. I'm not full of anger or hate or envy or anything like that, I'm mostly at peace. Was not able to be on estrogen though. It made me hyper sensitive to everything, particularly to people, and what I needed most was not to be. In that sense testosterone has acted like an anti-anxiety drug and an anti-depressant in one. Much more effective than actual prescription medications have ever been at that job, as well.
I can still empathize with people the same if I want to. The key word here is choice. I don't think estrogen gives you a choice about feeling many things, or about reacting to them. Testosterone allows you to take a step back and consider if you want to be emotional. Some people say it prevents them from feeling anything, but that isn't my experience. It just gives me a kill switch for emotions and anxiety if I want it, which is probably the perfect solution. Who doesn't want to have the option of feelings but also the option of overriding them if they are too much?
I wasn't particularly bothered about an increased sex drive - but yes T definitely knocks it up several notches. At first it is ridiculous, I mean it invades your thoughts every quiet moment. After a while I think the body gets used to it and stops doing this. It was mentioned above someone experienced a drop in sexual urges and more sexual desire. I'd say I noticed an increase in both. Before T I would experience desire only and not much in the way of urges. Now there's more urges, but definitely desire is the only thing that would get me to actually partake in it. I wouldn't go out of my way just for sex even now. The body is demanding it and the brain is just like, lol, nah. Not unless I'm into it.
Sleeping is different. I used to dream about social situations that would drive me nuts. My dreams are much more fun now on T and I can fall asleep immediately. My brain doesn't take an hour just to calm down and shut itself off any more, I can be asleep in 1-2 minutes.
Yes this affirms pretty much that I was probably meant to have been a T-based lifeform and not an E-based one. All the changes have been beneficial for me at best and neutral at worst.
In general what I experienced gels with the general views on the differences in behavior of men and women. On E I was more nervous, more easily upset, more angry at small things, more sensitive to other people, and less in emotional control. I was also more fearful. (Not much in general, but more so). This obviously fits with the stereotype that women in general are higher in neuroticism/bigger worriers than men, and that men are less able to empathize or observe smaller social cues than women; that men want more sex than women and women are more interested in sexual desire of a person than men. My observations of most men and women would bear this out. If most men have this emotional cut-off switch I now have this explains what enables them to do things women just usually don't want to do, such as put themselves at high risk of physical harm, or put themselves under great emotional stress, and maintain their purpose at the same time. Which is why - I would expect - we delegate certain tasks to men. If most men also are more flippant about little social cues and about other people's feelings as I now am, this explains why women operate better in positions of childcare, looking after people, being in positions that require a lot of meeting and organizing of people (i.e movie producers) etc. I expected this to be the case before I began HRT, but the results have pretty much affirmed the general stereotypes, at least in my experience. Meaning they're not made-up social constructs but actual hormonal realities.
