Hi Audrey. I still do. I haven't felt depressed or down for the seven years I been full time and on HRT. Well I get some down days but no big deal like no great depression. I just love telling jokes and teasing Wing Walker. The Wing Walker and Cindy show. Ya it's a wonder I didn't drive the folks at work nuts to. Actually they enjoyed much my sense of humor.

As far as age I feel about like a mischievous 10 year old. certainly I get the emotional see saw at times but a lot of times it is mostly really good cleansing tears. I plan on staying right the way I am and act serious only when required. If this would have been ten years ago I would have though you were somewhat addled telling me I would be like this. I wouldn't of believe it back then.

Cindy 

Quote from: Ariana on February 29, 2008, 12:25:17 AM
I can't really act or think feminely and be safe
i know I am ts and that I am doing what I need to become my trueself.

Hugz,
Ariana

one thing i really liked about the pre-HRT part of my transition was the fact that i gave myself permission to be female. once i allowed myself to do that, i felt really liberated. prior to that, i felt that i lived in such a cage!

i know that alot of people here refer to themselves as "Women," but i don't. i only sense that i am female. maybe it's just HRT puberty, i don't know.

anyway, it sounds to me that you haven't yet given yourself permission to be female, i mean, psychologically.

in your head, you start living 24/7 as a female long before you begin presenting yourself 24/7 as a female. it has nothing to do with mannerisms or presentation, it's just you acknowledging yourself, accepting yourself, and being who you really are. that is a huge change, but it's all mental, and, i believe, should start well before HRT.

you don't have to present anything, so it's entirely safe.

-ellie

ps,
this is just my perspective and is not meant to replace guidance from a therapist.
-L

Ell, you've got some beautiful insight there, and it's an interesting line of thought.  "Giving yourself permission to be female."  Lol.

Very true though.

Quote from: Annwyn on March 02, 2008, 06:19:50 PM
Ell, you've got some beautiful insight there, and it's an interesting line of thought.  "Giving yourself permission to be female."  Lol.

Very true though.

oh, thank you.

Quote from: Annwyn on March 02, 2008, 06:19:50 PM
Ell, you've got some beautiful insight there, and it's an interesting line of thought.  "Giving yourself permission to be female."  Lol.

Very true though.

yea Annwyn, I also agree. It has to first come inside of you to make the desicion to accept yourself living deep inside as female, only then would you truly come out to be a "woman" from the outside.

Quote from: cindybc on March 01, 2008, 11:54:11 PM
Hi Shanetastic, don't worry hunny, some day you will and I pray that it will be for a good reason when you do. Just allow yourself to feel, don't suppress it., let it flow when you feel it coming. It use to be very difficult for me to show emotion of any type before. I may have always been there for another, but I wouldn't allow myself to feel anything more then what was needed to do my job, after I transitioned and was on HRT for a time my entire character changed only because I let it be so, just let go. Just remember, it's a girls prerogative if they feel like crying.

Cindy

It's all right cindy, I have nothing to cry about so I'm good! 

Then for my sorta on topic post, you're right ell.  Although I don't acknowledge myself really as a woman, I do just sort of have a generalized thought of that I'm female, whatever that may mean.  And giving yourself permission to express your "true" side is a great first step.  That's one of the first things my therapist asked me to try to do all so so so long ago.

Quote from: Audrey on March 02, 2008, 02:58:51 PM

QuoteThat feeling hasn't re-occurred.

Shewww. To the relief of your bank account, huh.   
When I first started HRT I was giddy and ridiculous for the first few months.  It was quite fun though!  I think that the people I worked with thought I was insane. 

Audrey

yea, suddenly I take everything as a joke. Before I had some sense of humor before but now it's just a bit different. It's just very childish...

Posted on: March 02, 2008, 07:31:48 PM

---

Quote from: April221 on March 02, 2008, 02:53:21 PM
That feeling hasn't re-occurred.

I'm not a doctor but my speculation is that HRT affects the brain and can put the brains chemicals in whack which could cause to feel "eurphoric", "happy", etc- It maybe that

Hi cindy my giddy sister.  I have found that my generally happy attitude really wears off on others, which I actually might make a new topic on........

Audrey

Hi Audry

Yes it does doesn't it.  . In a good way. But then I don't even need to say anything and they still stop to look at me. Sometimes the entire family mom, dad, and both children stop to look at the scenery I guess.  But when there gets to be to many people it kind of unnerves me. I mean I was use to it in the small town I lived in in Ontario, but in this city with lots of people kind of burns me out after a bit. But I have never felt any malice in the eyes of these people though it was more like they were mezmarised by my energy. Sometimes I get to feeling like I'm inside a Borg ship, like an overcrowded with Borgs, then I just need to get out and away to chill for a bit.

Hey but I love chatting and drop a joke or two with the sails clerks and cashier girls. I do the same with the attendants when Wing Walker and I stop at the take out at Tim Horton's for coffee. even at the bank, I love making people laugh. I am also getting excited, The interview for starting up a drop in center and support group for trans folks is on the 6 of March. It is sad to see so many of our brothers and sisters homeless and some living on the street selling themselves to buy drugs. It pains me to see so many of our sisters and brothers end up in this kind of life. I just want the opportunity to at least lend a shoulder to lean on and just talk. Oh dear I think I should go to bed now. I'll see you around *sis.*

Cindy

 I am neering four months and have not had much for change.  I have always lived perposely trying to pass as masculine so I don`t get messed with but now that I have moved I can let that part go and just be me. Ariana , perhaps you have some letting go yourself of an act you perfected over the years like me.
  As far as hobbies go I always loved drag boats. I have worked on a pit crew, I`ve had my own boat. I love how pretty we make them , I love the sound of all 8 cilinders puonding alcohol, The smell of fuel. I could care less who wins though. I wish I could have one now but I would have to stop transition to aford it. So, my new hobby is baking goodies running off the goodies and burning out on erb.
Angie

Hi Angie
Don't worry to much hon, you been on the hormones for four months, it takes anywhere from 2 to 6  months depending you your age before some start getting results. The first change you will feel will be in the breast area, sensitiveness the best I can describe it feels like bruised tissue bot of course no bruising. 

Hobbies, well I use to love boats myself, well I use to love doing gardening but that is out since we live in the suburbs of Vancouver. Just waiting for Wing Walker to get her surgery and after she heels we may be looking for a place that is more country like. My other activity is doing social work giving support to those who are in need. I love dong social work I worked as a social worker for 20 years before I was retired.

Anyway have a wonderful day.

Cindy       

Quote from: Audrey on March 03, 2008, 01:31:28 PM
Hi cindy my giddy sister.  I have found that my generally happy attitude really wears off on others, which I actually might make a new topic on........

Audrey

Oh Audrey, you are sooo right!  Although I present as a male, and I'm mostly bald, for many years I've dressed entirely in female clothing in public.  Women's or junior size jeans, misses tops, etc. I dress the same way as any other woman that I'll see on the street. I always carry a woman's handbag/purse that hangs on my shoulder. I dress this way because this how women dress, which is how I'M supposed to dress. I believe in myself, and have confidence in myself as a woman.  I usually wear nail polish on my fingers. I prefer colors that don't stand out...I'm not trying to call attention to myself, and I like the look of a nice pale pink lacquer on my nails.  Someone once noticed this, and said, "pink nail polish?"  My response was "I'm tired of red!"
When I go into a ladies specialty store, or J. Crew, or any other store to try on or buy ladies clothing, I have the belief that I belong there. My confidence affects everyone around me. Audrey, if you're happy, or confident, if you believe in yourself, those around you, especially other women, will sense it, and you'll have no problem being accepted for being who you are. Nothing is more infectious than a smile.

Hi April221
I couldn't agree more about influencing others around you by how you feel. I refer to that as projecting to others to see what you wish them to see. Yes a smile goes a long ways to disarming another. I find a good sense f humor goes a long ways as well. It's hard for someone to think anything negative towards you if they are laughing. Getting a bad case of the giggles is quite a frequent occurrence with me and Wing Walker, I usually the one to instigate it. But there are those days where I just don't go out at all if I am feeling down.

Cindy

The first round of Premarin (1986-ish) gave me very good sized boobs and I also found that I cried..well, ALMOST cried at things that normally wouldn't bother me or make me feel that way. I did tear up a lot and got pretty emotional and my wife liked me when I felt that way.

Movies I would watch with her with a sexual content were not as arousing, but they were more "understood" if you can follow my thought here. It was like I saw the thoughts and the reasons why people acted the way they did, not just the results.

Ultimately, I needed no further Premarin as my therapy ended after about 6 months ..it was for migraines which disappeared the week I started Premarin and have never returned in twenty+ years since. The breast growth you see in my avatar is what I got that first time. They got to 36B.

Now, a long while later and older, I have re-started a new regimen with Progynova...taken at the middle of the road dosage (no numbers there!) and I feel for all intents and purposes that Progynova is more gentle and not as aggressive in mental feminization ....if there really is such a change.

Whereas the Premarin hit me hard, this time the Progynova is gentle and less mind-changing I feel. This is purely anecdotal and does NOT carry the weight of medical or laboratory proof and results.

I now have new breast growth..surprising so! I have only been taking it for 2 months with Casodex and the results are really good. The tenderness in my boobs has increased 20-fold and I have a full-time aching and arousal of the nipples.

I have to wear a bra all day long as the motion of the jiggling drives me crazy and the nipples get raw.

As I remember it, the Premarin did about the same thing...but on a more mental-changes scale I feel.

This time, I am not bothered by crying or feeling like I need to get all misty over a movie or a sad story.

I also am keeping a strict tape measure reading of my progress every Sunday evening. The first week, I increased the feeling of what I call "gummi bears" inside the breasts. These are the glands increasing in size and Oh Boy! are they tender!

My upper thighs, stomach (at the navel), the iliac points (the tip of each hip), under the breasts, over the breasts and the largest part of my rear end are all in a chart to watch over the next few months. My Mons has definitely gotten thicker or more padded....I don't know what I think about that though. 

The undersides of my boobs are filling in very nicely..and I feel this is the real indicator that things are happening in the growth area. Upper breast growth is fine and now with the lower sides filling in, I am going to be up a cup size in what I project to be another two or three weeks. The area directly around the nipples are very hard...so hard that I cannot get a pinch on the nipples any more and I see a lot more perkiness now too.

Weight-wise, I see a little loss by a few pounds so far..but that might be from my paying more attention than normal to things currently. I am also just over the influenza which had me ill since January 3rd and kept me bed ridden for almost a full two months. I didn't eat very much and what I could get down either went right through me or came back up...so I guess I never got many of the intended calories I was consuming anyway.

I'll keep things posted when I see some real numerical values changing, although I believe that I have made a lot of improvement so far.

Ya! Progynova! 

Time will tell..as I am only at the two month time as of yet with the Progynova....but I like the results quite a lot. If I had it to do all over, I don't know which prescription I would prefer...the Progynova or the Premarin. I am not a full-nut animal rights activist..so using Premarin is not something that would bother me anyway. The added Casodex may be the biggest difference though.

Now..If I can get my DSL lights to quit blinking and get synced up, I can post this.

PS: swinging a 32 ounce Vaughn hammer under the floors while framing the rafters in my cabin takes on a whole new meaning right now! Stamina is all but gone and I am drinking coffee just for effect to stay in a working mood. Oh, and yeah...the boobs get in the way! Most definitely!