Hey guys, wondering how any of you have dealt with a lack of support from family members?  I'm an adult, live with my parents right now due to some health issues with my parents, and recently came out to them as ftm (about 4 months ago). I start hormone replacement therapy in a few days and wrote them a letter to inform them that these were my next steps. I gave it to them about a week ago and they have not talked to me since then. From what I saw, they skimmed the first few sentences of the letter and said that they "would not read or accept this" and things have been quite tough since then.

Unfortunately I've lived a good part of my life trying to make sure those around me were happy, I never was so I tried my best for others to at least be happy. Now that I'm staring to become happy with me and living an authentic life, my parents of all people are the least supportive. With the exception of a couple of friends, all my other family members and friends that I have come out to have supported me entirely, but not my parents. For whatever reason this bothers me so much, the people who are supposed to have your back and be there for you aren't. And they lied and said that they wanted me to be happy and wanted to support me.

I'm just glad that I have a couple of very good therapists to work with that are helping me along with pursuing my authentic self despite a great disapproval from my parents, but it's tough.

Asher

Hi, Asher!

Welcome to Susan's.

I am sorry your parents are not supportive.  It must be particularly hard when you are living with them.

I think it is not uncommon for family members to have trouble accepting our new identities.  They have a lot of emotional energy invested in the person they thought you were.  Finding out that that person never existed is a shock, and it may challenge their world views.

I am not the one to give advice, since I have not had to deal with this situation myself.  However, I am sure someone with experience of unaccepting family members will be along soon.

Please feel free to stop by the Introductions forum to tell the members about yourself.  Here is some information that we like to share with new members:

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I'm sorry you're going through this. This is my fear when I tell my family. I know I should just get it over with already and deal but not sure if I can handle that. You're very brave!! I figure my family will make it about them..

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 Asher,

  I'm Laurie. Having family members that do not accept you for who you are is a really hard thing to deal with. But I don't need to tell you that because you are having to do so. I'm sorry and know how you must feel. It feels like hell, your world gone upside down and inside out. Having those that have said the love you all your life not willing to help you with one of the most important things of your life. It hurt. It hurts so deep inside you don't know if you will ever be okay again. And it could even feel worse than that. I do know what it feels like, because I feel it too.
  It sucks! There is one difference in our circumstances. In my case, I've lost my daughter and with her, my 5 grand children. So my dear Asher, you are not alone in feeling as you do. There are many of us here that know or have known your pain.
  I'm glad to read that you are receiving help from therapists. That is good. I hope your parents have a change of heart shortly because living with this hurt isn't easy. One thing you have to remember for your own well being is that you didn't do this to them. Yes, telling them was what you had to do, but Hun, how they are reacting to it is their choice and they may yet come round in time. This is their doing, not yours. There is a very strong bond that parents have for their children. That could very well work through to them in time. Don't give up on hope and don't give up your dreams.

Hugs,
  Laurie

My parents aren't supportive either. Despite promising the moon in terms of acceptance when I was a kid, they proved to be frauds. I've met complete strangers with more empathy and warmth for my situation than they have.

You just have to brush it off and live your life. Maybe it's easier for me because I don't really like my parents as people very much.

Sure, it bothers me that I was lied to, it bothers me that I had to put up with all of their faults but they won't put up with a single one from me, the hypocrisy and the disregard, etc... and for about four years I was feeling very angry at them and tried to get a justification. Then they just ignored me and decided the only thing that matters is their grandkids. It's been a pointless waste of time hoping I meant anything to them, in fact it was easier to imagine they were all dead or that I'd had no family than deal with one that doesn't care.

I imagine it sucks having to live with them in that situation - I doubt mine would be happy for me to share their space at the best of times, they couldn't wait to kick me out at age 18 - but I would just make the best of it and maybe they will eventually just deal. Or maybe ask them why they pretended to be tolerant in the past and what the deal with that is. Maybe thinking about it will make them realize what sort of impression they gave and are failing to live up to. But I wouldn't hold my breath it'll work. Some people just get more stubborn and bitter with age and convince themselves others are doing things just to spite them or that they have "earned" the right to be bigoted about things. I notice some people have a very specific idea in their heads about what their parenting is like, and think their kid has no right to criticize it. Usually these are signs of insecurity in their minds about themselves and whether they did a good job at all.

Thanks everyone. This is so tough, I don't know what to do. My appointment is in two days and I'm so excited for it, and my mom told me today that if I medically transitionat all I will no longer be a part of the family. It's so tough for me because I feel like I stand to lose so much by transitioning, but if I don't transition, I'm so close to a complete breakdown because I can't be myself and it's not okay.

Hi Resilience203

Sorry you are having such a tough time. I do understand. My parents are non supportive except when it is public. This angers and infuriates me because of the hypocrisy. I try and avoid any serious contact with them and it only makes me feel worse. So I guess what I am suggesting is to try and find a way (if you transition) to minimise the hurt they may  put on you.

I hope you are able to keep the doors of communication open but one of the things to remember is that, they have had their lives and lived it in the manner they wished , without judgement by others where as you along with many other trans people have battled to keep going for many years living in abject fear that they won't find out.

Good luck and I hope you can see a change of heart soon.

Something you should consider is bringing your parents to a therapy session. You therapist may not be able to get them to be fully supportive but it's possible they may understand the need. Acceptance can come latter if they at least tolerate you for now.

Thanks for the advice about therapy. We have done several sessions about it and they "aren't thrilled with t but want me to be happy and want to support me" when we are in the session. Unfortunately once we leave, they feel completely the opposite and want to "look good" in the therapy sessions.
It is what it is I guess?