Whats your earliest Disphoric memory? ie, when you felt something wasnt right?

For me, i remember a couple of things actually, i was about 3 or 4? maybe even younger i dont exactly remember how old i was, but whenever we were out, and i had to go to the toilet i kept wanting to use the girls bathrooms, not for any nafarious reasons ofcourse, it just felt like to me this is where im supposed to go

I remember when I was 4 telling my mom I would rather be a girl and I cried because she said I could not be a girl. I told her I did not like my " private" as I called it than I used to refuse to use the guys washroom too and I tried her make up and high heels.

Quote from: natalie.ashlyne on December 22, 2017, 04:32:33 PM
I remember when I was 4 telling my mom I would rather be a girl and I cried because she said I could not be a girl. I told her I did not like my " private" as I called it than I used to refuse to use the guys washroom too and I tried her make up and high heels.

OH i never went into the girls bathroom,  but it felt like thats where i was suppose to go, and i remember feeling weird about it My dad use to make me feel like i had to be a boy sort of thing, i guess since then ive tried to suppress how i feel with things like that

i didnt try make up or dresses until i was a teenager, i havent tried high heels tho, i barely done much cross dressing when i did, i did it for awhile, but some stuff happened, and it felt like it wasnt the right time, so i sort of suppressed it again

I don't remember a time when I didn't feel that something wasn't right.  It was so much a part of me that I normalized it: I assumed that everyone felt that way.  It wasn't until my late teens that I started to become aware that others didn't feel like that.

It was nothing as specific as wanting to use the girls' bathroom.  It was just a feeling that I wasn't like everyone else.  Always the odd one out, the misfit.  When I became more aware of it, I rationalized it as being an immigrant: I had an accent; I used British words instead of Canadian words.  Only now, with the 20/20 hindsight of transitioning, I can see that it went back a lot farther than the time of our family's immigration, so it had to be more than that.

2nd grade. There was a girl in my class who always wore the prettiest pink outfits. I wanted so badly to be her

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Quote from: KathyLauren on December 22, 2017, 05:09:13 PM
I don't remember a time when I didn't feel that something wasn't right.  It was so much a part of me that I normalized it: I assumed that everyone felt that way.  It wasn't until my late teens that I started to become aware that others didn't feel like that.

It was nothing as specific as wanting to use the girls' bathroom.  It was just a feeling that I wasn't like everyone else.  Always the odd one out, the misfit.  When I became more aware of it, I rationalized it as being an immigrant: I had an accent; I used British words instead of Canadian words.  Only now, with the 20/20 hindsight of transitioning, I can see that it went back a lot farther than the time of our family's immigration, so it had to be more than that.

I felt like that too dont get me wrong, i guess i mean like that was my sort of wake up call to it, i also went through this thing where i wouldnt speak at all when i was about 4 or so maybe 5, i think it was to do with my voice, and not wanting to sound like a man maybe? i dont really remember thinking stuff like that, i just felt uncomfortable about it

Flash Foward to Now im 31, and i have sort of developed into this quite feminine voice, which causes disphoria because it makes me think im a man and should sound like a man

weird huh?

Quote from: Tamika Olivia on December 22, 2017, 05:43:44 PM
2nd grade. There was a girl in my class who always wore the prettiest pink outfits. I wanted so badly to be her

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Well Pink is my favorite color, but i feel like men shouldnt like Pink so i tell everyone i like Blue which is my 2nd favorite

A boy in kindergarten pushed me and I fell and sprained my arm. I know that was a long time ago but I remember I wasn't really upset at him. This is gonna sound weird and maybe binary but I felt fragile in that moment. I think it clicked for me at the time and then soon after I was thinking am I gay? But that never really fit either because I didn't feel like a boy in the first place..

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Quote from: dist123 on December 22, 2017, 06:51:37 PM
A boy in kindergarten pushed me and I fell and sprained my arm. I know that was a long time ago but I remember I wasn't really upset at him. This is gonna sound weird and maybe binary but I felt fragile in that moment. I think it clicked for me at the time and then soon after I was thinking am I gay? But that never really fit either because I didn't feel like a boy in the first place..

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OH i dont like fighting or any sort of personal confrontation either, unless its like on TV or something

I thought I was Gay for awhile too, well i knew there was something more... however i didnt want to deal with that so i preferred to think of myself as Gay

I feel like Kathy. I can't remember a specific time but, I just know I felt different and didn't recognize it as a problem. It wasn't until I was a teen that the gd came a problem with hair coming in everywhere and having wet dreams with something in the morning. I did not like the morning wood at all. I remember constantly trying to force it down. I also tried buying feminine clothes around this time. Which was really hard not being able to drive and only making money from babysitting, which I loved babysitting. Often I would do extra things like vacuum, dishes, and other things. This is time that really came difficult for me.

Quote from: Christy Lee on December 22, 2017, 06:54:23 PM
OH i dont like fighting or any sort of personal confrontation either, unless its like on TV or something

I thought I was Gay for awhile too, well i knew there was something more... however i didnt want to deal with that so i preferred to think of myself as Gay

I feel like it's a club being gay before realizing we're trans lol it's an experience!! I like male on male but I'm not so maybe I'm just a gay voyeur? Lol

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Quote from: Jailyn on December 22, 2017, 07:13:07 PM
I feel like Kathy. I can't remember a specific time but, I just know I felt different and didn't recognize it as a problem. It wasn't until I was a teen that the gd came a problem with hair coming in everywhere and having wet dreams with something in the morning. I did not like the morning wood at all. I remember constantly trying to force it down. I also tried buying feminine clothes around this time. Which was really hard not being able to drive and only making money from babysitting, which I loved babysitting. Often I would do extra things like vacuum, dishes, and other things. This is time that really came difficult for me.

I have bought some Make up/lipstick, but always been too scared to buy girl clothes :s

For me, i finally learned of what was wrong with me, after i had my first boyfriend, i started thinking, would he still be with me if i was female, and i think i want to be female and thats when i started cross dressing

Quote from: dist123 on December 22, 2017, 07:20:20 PM

I feel like it's a club being gay before realizing we're trans lol it's an experience!! I like male on male but I'm not so maybe I'm just a gay voyeur? Lol

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Step 1 of this particular trans gender experience is to question the hell out of your sexuality LOL if this sounds like you, sign right here

For me it was just easier, i tried being bi i didnt feel like i was bi, i tried gay but didnt feel like i was gay either, seeing how gay men act and im like  yeeeaaaahhhh thats not me.... what am i? i even told mum, i said im gay, and she says i dont believe your gay she was mostly ok with it but didnt believe it 

Gay Voyeur....
ive often wondered this about myself also LOL

I don't remember it but mom told me she put cute girls cloths on me as a toddler and I was furious. I screamed and put up a fight until she took them off.

My first memory must be around 11 years old when I clearly realized I was not born boy. My chest started growing. Until then I just thought the bottom part can be fixed later. But when my chest started growing it was like the air just left me. I got into a deep suicidal depression that ended at age 20 when I got a job and met my husband to be. That kept me floating for some years before I got depressed again.


Tony

I was maybe 4 or 5 years old and I had a dream that was very short and in this dream it was more like looking at a snapshot of me but as a little girl....the thing is that dream was lived with me all my life and I still see her/me sitting there...the reason I say it is a dream because of the feeling that went along with it....it was a sensation of having a huge weight lifted from me in order to see that picture of myself...I could feel the enormity of what I knew then. I didn't understand it...took me many years to understand it.

Quote from: MeTony on December 23, 2017, 01:17:57 AM
I don't remember it but mom told me she put cute girls cloths on me as a toddler and I was furious. I screamed and put up a fight until she took them off.

My first memory must be around 11 years old when I clearly realized I was not born boy. My chest started growing. Until then I just thought the bottom part can be fixed later. But when my chest started growing it was like the air just left me. I got into a deep suicidal depression that ended at age 20 when I got a job and met my husband to be. That kept me floating for some years before I got depressed again.

Tony

Im sorry you went through that, i was always able to lock my feelings away (because i was afraid of them) but they would still haunt me throughout the years every now and then

Quote from: ElizabethK on December 23, 2017, 01:33:05 AM
I was maybe 4 or 5 years old and I had a dream that was very short and in this dream it was more like looking at a snapshot of me but as a little girl....the thing is that dream was lived with me all my life and I still see her/me sitting there...the reason I say it is a dream because of the feeling that went along with it....it was a sensation of having a huge weight lifted from me in order to see that picture of myself...I could feel the enormity of what I knew then. I didn't understand it...took me many years to understand it.

I get it, i use to play this game, boys vs girls, and in the game, i would often turn on the boys and become a girl (it was a sci fi game LOL), i remember how right it felt to think ok im a girl now, it was just me playing this game but imagined there were boys and girls around me and i joined team girl LOL i totally get what you felt with your dream

I think it was something my grandmother said. I must have been 9 or 10 and she was going on about how girls behave and that they're better than boys, and that I was going to have to stop doing x, y and z because reasons. I'd also been trying to learn how to whistle and she was telling me I shouldn't be doing it.

I remember feeling negatively about this stuff but not ever actually obeying her. I was actually fairly mean about it. Another thing she used to do was try to drag me to church, and I remember having conversations about god with her that made her uncomfortable because I was asking for proof of the existence of god, and these were so much fun for her she stopped taking me to church and stopped trying to explain these things or to even get me on board with it. The same happened with her trying to get me to conform to her vision of a girl. I think I was just an impossible kid to her, but to me I was totally justified in asking why are you trying to put this stuff onto me? Some early aspect of my parents' upbringing had always taught me to use my brain over just believing what I was told. I mean I had to - if I did something bad they wouldn't just clip me round the ear they'd ask me why I did it, and I'd have to explain my thought process behind my acting up. If I'd told them someone else had told me to do something and I'd brainlessly obeyed they would have seen through it in a second and told me so. I was always responsible for my own actions and decisions, there was no getting away from it.

So when it came to other people trying to put their ideas onto me it never went anywhere...

But I felt dysphoric because I knew what she was saying was generally true. This was how girls were behaving, this was what people expected of them. This was what was always going to be expected of me because I looked like one of them. Even at that age I knew I was an outsider and wouldn't be able to conform as long as I was who I was. Most of the time I ignored it all, until someone like her came along and put me on the spot with it and reminded me of it.

I know at that age I was already beginning to feel like I was "disobeying" someone or something, by being myself, thanks to her.

I remember meeting a girl with the feminized version of my name for the first time and thinking I'd like to trade places with her.

I suppose maybe when I was about eight or nine years old. Our next door neighbours were two girls, and we would always play together. We were literally inseparable, lol. We would do all kinds of stuff. Dance to 80's music that was incredibly cheesy, in their mum's high heels, with a hair brush as a microphone. Put rose petals in water and pretend it was perfume. Talk about literally everything. Put their mum's lipstick on... very badly... and parade around their house with that pre-pubescent diva attitude lol. It was one of the happiest times of my life. I felt like I belonged somewhere. I felt like I'd found people I could do stuff with.

I always kept getting dragged away though, with worried looks from my mum, saying I shouldn't be spending so much time with them and doing stuff like that. I should be doing stuff with my brothers. I should be down the woods, making swings on tree branches and getting into trouble and god knows what. To which my only answer was: "Why?"

She only ever said: "Because that's what boys do."

At the time I just shrugged it off and if she wouldn't let me play with my neighbours I would just go to my room and read. It's easy to look back now and say I knew something was wrong then. But I'm not sure I did. At that time in my life I only knew who I wasn't. Not who I was. I only knew that doing that stuff felt right. What my brothers got up to... I had no interest in, whatsoever.

Playing with the girls on the playground in grade school- feeling like I was one of them more than one of the boys. Fast forward to about 12 or 13 wondering why I wasn't as pretty as my sister then sneaking into her room to use her make up.


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I was about 3 when I realized I had been born wrong. I noticed I had the same parts as my brother and it upset me. I didn't want them. From the things my dad has told me I started resisting "boy" things and behavior very young. Thankfully my dad never forced masculine behavior on me. My uncle and grandpa called me a sissy of course and tried to make me behave the way they thought a boy should. When I was 7 my uncle told me
" your'e such a little ->-bleeped-<-ot". I didn't even know what that was. I asked my dad what it meant and he wanted to know where I had heard it. I told him my uncle had called me that. He was really pissed off over that.

When I started high school I was really androgynous. I had long hair and started wearing eye make-up when I was 14. I started doing stuff with boys at around age 13. Then I started actually having sex with guys when I was 16. Everyone including my family just thought I was gay. I never identified as gay and I didn't label myself as gay because I'm not gay and I never have been. I  hooked up with gay and Bi guys because they were the only guys available to me at that time and I was a horny teenager. But even when I had sex with guys before transition it was always me giving them oral and them doing anal on me. My boy parts were always off limits and I would NEVER have used them on someone. Ewww!. So no, I didn't think I was gay. I knew I was trans and being female, it's natural for me to be attracted to guys.

I cried when I had to wear dresses from a really young age, like, 3-4.

I remember going to my mom as a pre-schooler crying about how girly my voice sounded.

When I was in first grade, we had to come up with these (really racist) "native american" names for Thanksgiving, and I fought with my teacher because I wanted to be called "River Son" instead of "River Daughter."

I got better at hiding these dysphoric feelings from others as I learned they would only get me punished, but they never went away.