Sweetie, the first thing I'm going to say is that there is no "normal." There really isn't. Normal is something attributed to you by other people and is shorthand for "Yeah, you don't make me question myself. You're okay." You're as unique as everyone else in the world. And your journey will be unique too.
The second thing I'm going to say is: Don't measure yourself against other people. Their experiences and desires. That will drive you batty. And for every person who doesn't walk your own path... it will make you question yourself. When it comes to finding out who you are, there is no wrong answer. There is just the answer you arrive at. And sure, it's easy to say that's on you, but it's harder to appreciate what that actually means. From your posts, you're heading in the right direction. Keep going, okay?
All roads lead to the same place, eventually. The one where you figure things out. To explain what I mean, I'll tell you a bit about myself. I never had, or felt the desire to wear female clothing, makeup, or anything along those lines. The reason being that I felt it would be fake. That however much I tried... I couldn't get rid of the underlying reality. It wouldn't be me, in a physical sense. I could have, sure. And had I the right body for it, I maybe would have. But I always felt that it wouldn't be real. Or rather that it wouldn't be real enough for me. I would always know, deep down, that underneath it all was this meatsack which didn't fit. And I was just trying to hide that. And because of that, I never did it, and always felt like it would be... hmm... part of the end goal, you know? Something I allowed myself to do if I ever reached the point where it would feel like I felt right to do it.
Is that normal? Probably not. No more than anyone else's journey is. But it doesn't matter. The end goal is the same. Realising who I am. It's the goal we all strive for, and maybe even reach. But the path taken to get there doesn't have to follow a pre-defined series of steps. It's something that can really only come from inside you. The way you feel. The way you want to be.
My realisations came from my dreams. From... soul searching. All the times the physical part of me was shut off from the world and I got in touch with the non-physical. The essence of myself. That's how I knew who I was. The times where I was free to just exist, away from physical constraints. That taught me more than anything else.
I know that's a lot of airy-fairy stuff, and other people may not experience the same thing. But that's the point. They, and you, don't have to. The point is you're looking at yourself. And taking steps to see inside yourself. However you got to this point are steps in your journey. So don't worry if anyone else did or didn't do the same things as you, okay? Because it has no effect on who, or how, you are. That comes from inside.
I'm proud of you for talking about this, though, and getting it out. That's probably the hardest step in this whole thing. And you've taken it. You're examining yourself. Don't ever worry about rambling or saying too much. There is no 'too much'. Say as much as you like. As I say, you're on the right track. Keep looking at your feelings. How things make you feel, and how you see yourself. We all have those "WTF" days. The weight of the world can be heavy at times, and cloud things. But keep going, okay? You will get there. I believe in you.
*hugs*
