My therapist recently told me that I have internalized transphobia, though I am feeling quite frustrated with that label because I'm not sure if it aptly describes my experience.

I have a preference for living stealth and not affiliating myself too much with the trans community irl. A lot of it has to do with me not feeling like I belong in the community. My experience with transitioning has been so different from that of my peers... trans women I know have faced some bad discrimination because they don't "pass," whereas I was "passing" so early in my transition that I was able to avoid such discrimination. I was at a trans event a couple years ago and felt so out of place. I've never once thought of talking about my trans experience in a positive light or having pride in it. I feel like it's just a medical issue, sort of like getting a metal plate put in your skull or something... I'll never know what it's like to live as a man, and I barely knew what life was like as a boy.

My therapist tells me that I'll never be cis, which is true. But after surgery I'll be pretty close, arguably as close as a woman born with androgen insensitivity syndrome.

He says I'm denying an integral part of my identity because I'm ashamed of it because of what society says. Which is partially true. People are very mean, especially about this. I feel like the future, politically, is very dim, and we're headed into a new era of Reagan-type conservatism. I feel the backlash against us is very harsh, almost as bad as it was towards the gays during the AIDS epidemic. I have school and work and a career to work towards and I'm balancing that with unmedicated bipolar disorder and struggling to earn money to pay to see the psychiatrist and the doctor and surgery, etc., etc. (because insurance barely covers any of it) I don't really want to add external transphobia to that.

The other part is, as I said before, a feeling of not belonging, of invading trans spaces because nothing about me, save one part (the one between my legs), reads as trans. I really feel like an anomaly and I really feel pain about it because if every other part of me is going to be female, why not that part?

I don't think I'm being transphobic to myself for not wanting to revisit a traumatic time in my life, or dump it on the people I meet. I don't want to remember what it was like living before all this. I just want to move on with my life...

I'm thinking about changing therapists because this one has not been great, and I feel like he does not empathize with me. He's trans too and he's proud of it. He thinks it's given him a special insight, but he's also transitioned much later than me and has lived the life of both a woman and now a man. I don't have that experience so I can't even make a claim to that. I think a cis therapist would understand me better...

"I'm denying an integral part of my identity because I'm ashamed of it because of what society says"

So that's pretty much it.  Do you believe you can accept and love yourself if you're ashamed of being trans?  I couldn't.  It took me along time to get past it, to accept I was one of "those people".  Once I did, my angst and depression over being trans lessened.

I see some of what your therapist is talking about in your post. There is nothing wrong with wanting to live a stealth life and for the most part, so do I. The problem is being uncomfortable with yourself because you are uncomfortable with others. We will always be different however once we accept the fact, it no longer is an issue in our day to day life. How do we do this? We learn how we are like others rather than how we are different from others. The fact you are on this site is a good start and the more you get to know about us, the more you will learn about yourself. Join in the conversation and discuss what you are uncomfortable with. You are not the only person on the site dealing with this issue so you can help each other.

Are you open to the possibility that he is onto something?  You don't associate with other trans folk or think you have much in common with them.  You don't relate to the therapist's pride in being trans.  You think that you are more cis than trans, but by definition you are very trans and not at all cis.

Don't think of transphobia as hatred for other transpeople.  I don't believe that this is true of you.  On the other hand, it seems rather obvious that you don't like the idea of being trans yourself, and are eager as possible to shed the label.

That's the answer to your question.  That is what internalized transphobia is.  Your therapist thinks (and I agree) that you stand to benefit by dealing with it.

The word trans also implies a crossing or moving from one point to another... could it be possible that I want to distance myself from that "crossing" because the middle point I am at now is a serious cause for distress? And once I have surgery and have made it to that other end everything will be fine? Like going through a time when you're really sick and you want to do everything you can to keep your mind off the fact that you're sick, and then when you're finally better you just want to go forward and never look back?

I don't think he understands it the way I do. I feel like I have a sickness and I'm being treated for it and I just want to be finished with it and I don't want to do anything that reminds me that I'm sick (and I mean sick in the medical sense of the word). I don't much feel like going to a group celebrating one's pride in being bipolar, because that would also be off-putting.

Your predicament is the same as ours.  Are we all sick too?

This is something that forms before we start our transition and it doesn't end when we complete our transition unless we address it. Accepting myself happened during the first couple of weeks after I started group therapy but it happens differently for others. Sure you can avoid dealing with it now but it would be better to have a clean slate in life or you will be paranoid every time something from the past reenters your life. It might be a glance on the street that makes you think you have been read or someone from the past who reenters your life. Even if those things don't happen, it will still be in the back of your mind. You don't have to be active in the community and you may be as private as you want but this is homework that really needs to be addressed.

Quote from: rmaddy on December 23, 2017, 11:41:12 PM
Your predicament is the same as ours.  Are we all sick too?

I would hardly call gender dysphoria the pinnacle of good health. I imagine everyone here is taking steps lessen its effects.

So yes, in strictly medical sense, I think all of us are "sick." But "sick" is really too strong a word. A better term would be ill or unwell.

I know a lot of mean people like to frame GD as illness akin to schizophrenia. GD is, of course, not at all like schizophrenia. But it does cause anxiety/depression/dissociation/genophobia/etc., etc. which impair our daily functions and overall well-being. Maybe for some dysphoria arises from not being able to freely express themselves, which may not feel like an illness but like a stifling of one's expression. My body hurts though, and my mind hurts from my body hurting and I have a crippling fear of sex because of GD and I am depressed and nauseated by my genitalia. It's hard not to believe one is ill when one feels very ill.

Little story from my past. My first therapist after months of therapy told my mother there was nothing wrong with me other than I wanted to be a girl. It's not an illness but it's like a birth defect and just as somebody who has a birth defect, it's an issue that we need to overcome.

Consider somebody who is locked into a job that they hate. They are depressed and unhappy but they continue doing the job day in and day out. We have the job of living in a gender that's not right for us. In both cases, it's not an illness but a life that's wrong for us.

I used to think that I didn't have much in common with other trans people too.  The cure for this misconception is getting to know other trans people.  You've been avoiding this.  Give it a try.

Wow this topic hit close to home, when I started my transition I went to all the support groups and local meetings. I began to think to myself, I don't like trans people and talked to my therapist about it. He pointed out it was not the trans people I did not like but the people in the group and the constant poor me mantra of it. He pointed me at some other groups with a good mix of Trans, Lesbian and gay individuals who had positive attitudes and were proactive and not reactive. So having the epiphany that I don't like the poor me attitude and want someone else to fix my problem attitude I have made plenty of trans friends. When told I look familiar or if I have a brother I most of the time fess up on who I was. Don't advertise I am trans but also don't hide it. - Margaret

Nobody would get away with telling me I secretly hate myself because of what society says for not wanting to tell everyone I meet about my past and my predicament. "Internalized [insert whatever]" is a term thrown about like confetti these days, and not always for wholesome reasons.

If you don't want to go to trans meetings, that's your choice. Keeping your condition stealth is entirely your prerogative. Don't let anyone tell you you should be thrusting this stuff at anyone else if you don't want to. Privacy in our case is often safety. You are right on point about where the future is going, and we all know why. Or at least some of us can see why. And it isn't because progressives have not been pushy enough. Too pushy. Unfortunately in a sense we've been made a visible part of the vanguard of their agenda whether we asked for it or not and now we are a part of the "problem" to the average person who feels threatened. Looking out for your comfort and safety in these times is entirely sensible.

Quote from: Viktor on December 24, 2017, 03:48:00 AM
Nobody would get away with telling me I secretly hate myself because of what society says for not wanting to tell everyone I meet about my past and my predicament. "Internalized [insert whatever]" is a term thrown about like confetti these days, and not always for wholesome reasons.

If you don't want to go to trans meetings, that's your choice. Keeping your condition stealth is entirely your prerogative. Don't let anyone tell you you should be thrusting this stuff at anyone else if you don't want to. Privacy in our case is often safety. You are right on point about where the future is going, and we all know why. Or at least some of us can see why. And it isn't because progressives have not been pushy enough. Too pushy. Unfortunately in a sense we've been made a visible part of the vanguard of their agenda whether we asked for it or not and now we are a part of the "problem" to the average person who feels threatened. Looking out for your comfort and safety in these times is entirely sensible.

Isolation generally results from fear, but isolation is not usually the most healthy option for addressing that fear.  The OP clearly feels some anxiety about paying a price for being trans in society.  All of us deal with that, and we all craft our own solutions to the problem.  That's self-protection.

The OP also clearly expresses non-identity with trans people to the point where she thinks she is (or can be) cis.  This is self-deception.  Does she have the right to think that way?  Yes, of course.  Nevertheless, I took her question about internalized transphobia to be genuine.  Settling into a fortress is one way to address one's insecurities.  It is not the only way, or the best.

Viktor hits the nail on the head. There is a huge political element to it as well. I think that the present transgender movement is doing a poor job at fighting for the rights and recognition of trans people and has been part of the cause for this tremendous backlash by conservatives. The people we are fighting against for the most part, I think, can accept us, we're just not speaking they're language, but I digress...

I need someone to explain to me what it looks like to accept yourself for being trans? Is it not enough to accept my medical history and past experiences? Must I tell people and participate in trans groups?

Quote from: nightingale95 on December 24, 2017, 12:14:19 PM

I need someone to explain to me what it looks like to accept yourself for being trans? Is it not enough to accept my medical history and past experiences? Must I tell people and participate in trans groups?

Great question.  My daughter's doctor refused to prescribe HRT because she has not come out to more people (other than parents, sibling, and 2 close friends) and is not part of any support groups.

Quote from: nightingale95 on December 24, 2017, 12:14:19 PM
Viktor hits the nail on the head. There is a huge political element to it as well. I think that the present transgender movement is doing a poor job at fighting for the rights and recognition of trans people and has been part of the cause for this tremendous backlash by conservatives. The people we are fighting against for the most part, I think, can accept us, we're just not speaking they're language, but I digress...

I need someone to explain to me what it looks like to accept yourself for being trans? Is it not enough to accept my medical history and past experiences? Must I tell people and participate in trans groups?

You don't have to do anything.  You may benefit from doing certain things, and I thought your interest here was more tilted towards understanding IT than arguing against it or rejecting the concept.  You certainly don't need our help to do the latter.

But now I have a bone to pick.  When you say that the "present transgender movement is doing a poor job at fighting for the rights and recognition of trans people", even while you are living stealth and avoiding association/identity with other trans people, you are crossing a line.  Transgender rights have exploded forward over the last 10-20 years based on the bravery and activism of those you and Viktor so casually criticize.  Conservative backlash is the rule, not the exception, where civil rights are advancing.  Blaming those who take the risks which you avoid and work tirelessly toward a better society than you imagine for the pushback of bigots is beyond the pale.  Maybe thinking this way gets you to sleep at night, but it doesn't build a better future.  IMO, of course.   

Quote from: nightingale95 on December 24, 2017, 12:14:19 PM
Viktor hits the nail on the head. There is a huge political element to it as well. I think that the present transgender movement is doing a poor job at fighting for the rights and recognition of trans people and has been part of the cause for this tremendous backlash by conservatives. The people we are fighting against for the most part, I think, can accept us, we're just not speaking they're language, but I digress...

I need someone to explain to me what it looks like to accept yourself for being trans? Is it not enough to accept my medical history and past experiences? Must I tell people and participate in trans groups?

One way to determine if you accept yourself is to start reading the introductions. On posts of any size, I can clearly see myself in them. If I don't see myself in them, to me it means the person needs to explore they feelings more because they don't know themselves well enough. For posts like that, my response is to ask questions that will draw more of their feelings out in the open so I can see them.

As for politics, the government will do what they will do and we will survive. I transitioned in the late 1970s and there were people who transitioned before me. We didn't have any government protection and the public was free to discriminate against us. If it happened, we just moved on and resumed our life elsewhere. The truth is the public is far more accepting of us than the inflammatory news stories indicate. Yes, bad things sometimes happen but there are many more good stories that never are reported.

It is OK to be proud that you are Transgender. It is a part of who you are and feeling shame internally is almost as bad as not transitioning because you are worried what others think. You just have to let it go, just say " I am Transgender, I am proud to be Transgender"