I feel stupid and silly in wigs.  Of course, maybe, since I buy wigs in the 20-30$ range.

I thought I would feel the same way with breast forms.  I thought they were fake and awful and stupid.  But I bought some anyway, of course.  Well, they came yesterday along with a bra.  I put on the bra, slipped in the breast forms and  then. . .

I felt great.   I was whole, and everything was right and beautiful and I texted my boss to tell her about them, but by the time she responded, I was crying.  And sobbing. 

Suddenly I couldn't deal with how unfair life is.  I couldn't accept that I hadn't been born right.  I couldn't accept that I wasn't the way I should have been.  I was blindsided.  I didn't see that coming.

I thought I would put them on and think well that's nice, that's how I would look like with breasts.  Alrighty then.

But instead, here I was tears just coming and coming and coming and not stopping.

And I did the right thing.  I reached out to my tribe.  I texted my boss pictures of myself and she told me they looked great and that I was beautiful on the inside and that's what mattered.   Today, I stopped by her house and she was like well plenty of women have mastectomies and they're still women.

I texted my other best girlfriend, my call me anytime, text me anytime person, and she told me to do what she tells her daughter to do, to talk about a part of her body that she likes and why.  That actually did help, and I stopped crying.  But I still hurt real bad.  Today we were hugging at church during the passing of the peace and it was funny because I was wearing them again, and I could tell she noticed.

The thing that helped me get to bed last night was just the absurdity of it all.  The bra had come with the hooks in the clasps and I "cheated" putting it on.  When I finally knew I should take it off and go to bed, I tried to cheat again.  And OMG.  If I could have posted a video of it on YouTube, it would be viral right now.  I was like a YouTube video of an animal with its head in a can or a box or whatever.  It was so funny I couldn't stop laughing.  I got it off, and went to bed and fell asleep.  Today my boss also told me just get the bra off your shoulders and twist it around so the back is in the front and that way you can see what you're doing.

But it still hurts to have had a glimpse of what should have been, what I wish could have been, and what might still be.

I'm not sure exactly why I'm sharing this here, other than if I can't share my story here, where could I share it?  I guess I'm hoping somebody has had the same experience I did, although I doubt very much anybody ever texted their boss a picture of themselves wearing a bra with breast forms for the first time, but don't knock it until you try it.  Actually probably don't try it.  My life sucks a lot, but in some ways I lead an extraordinary and blessed existence.

Hi Freya... first some big hugs for you!

I also hated wigs - maybe also because I bought the cheap ones.

Breastforms is an odd topic. I loved them. I also had meltdowns about not having real breasts and to some degree it felt fake. I still did wear them daily.
Your friend is right. My mom has breast forms. Many other cis women do.

For me breastforms was a way to figure out if it feels right having breasts. And it did. Where it did get interesting is that once I got on hormones I stopped wearing them, almost immediately. Seems like having the right hormones meant I do not have to compensate otherwise anymore. I did wear them once or twice since, also because I am afraid to squish the growing breasts too much.

See it as a temporary affirmation!

Hi, Freya.

In our hearts, we long to be real.  We are on a journey from the fakeness of trying to live in the wrong gender to the reality of being ourselves.  So any step on that journey that isn't totally real is going to feel like a step backwards to dysphoria.

I feel the same way about wigs.  I wear one, though I don't like it, only because my baldness is way worse.

When I was presenting part-time as Kathy, I wore a bra that I stuffed with socks.  Phoney as a $3 bill, but it looked okay, and it allowed me to present as a woman.  And that was the most important thing for me at the time.  Like Sarah, once I started HRT, I stopped stuffing my bra.  Sure I went from a fake B to an A (with a padded bra like lots of other women wear), but I was finally able to enjoy being real.

And you will get there, too.

Instead of buying multiple $20 or $30 wigs, wait for wigs dot com to have its annual half price sale on Louis Ferre wigs and get a good $300 synthetic for $150.  They used to do the sale in October but last year they did it in June.  Get on their email list.

Before my hair grew out and my bald spots grew back in I had two really nice long ones and they made feel very feminine, even before I started hormones.

I never used forms, per se.  before I had breasts I wore camis and bralettes.  A few months ago I bought some silicone bra boosters to stuff in my favorite push up bra.  I wanted to see how it would feel to have my 38A pluses bumped up to a C cup to see if I wanted augmentation at a later date.

And yes I do if I can figure out a way to pay for it.

Yes it can hurt a lot to see a hint of the girl you never got to be, but hormones will fix a lot of that.

You are very lucky to have a supportive boss.  Have faith in the woman that you are, that has been deep in hiding your entire life.  Don't be afraid to find your style, your feminine expression.

This is a happy road that we walk, not a sad one.

First thing I did when I decided to come out was get forms and now fully out wear them 24/7 apart from the shower!!! got a wig for work and that cost £180 and 2 more decent long ones in the sales. Why? because I don't want to see that old bald bloke anymore and its how I feel. might have to ditch the forms soon as just started HRT but then may get some fillets