I have some questions and concerns for folks who would be so kind as to maybe help me out here. I have been on MTF hormones for just over a year, but I still do not "pass." I get sir'd all the time and it's heartbreaking, and part of that is my fault because I do not dress particularly feminine out of fear of being harassed or assaulted. I would dress if I saw in my face one who could pass, but sadly I do not.

ONE YEAR: That long and I still don't pass. If after a year I do not pass is it all pretty much just a pipe dream? One year seems to be what everyone goes by. Is there anyone out there who ended up passing, but took longer than a year to do it (barring ffs)?

One concern I have is for the first few months of that year I was on low doses of hormones as my endo was pretty careful ramping me up too quickly, so do I count those first few months of low dose?

I have recently been moved to injections (from pills) once per week, will one see more feminine physical characteristics emerge while on injections?

I often hear that confidence plays a big role in passing. What are some good examples of this?

My apologies if this comes off as an interrogation, but I have a lot of concerns and appreciate the help.

Every cis woman can pass either so you're not alone baby girl


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I am also at the one year mark and in the same boat you are. Unless I put extra effort in (makeup, dress) I rarely pass. I have noticed that a more feminine presentation certainly helps. The more gender clues I can give, the better people are about getting it right. But even that is no guarantee: A few weeks ago I stood in a deli in skirt, makeup and boots and still have been addressed as Sir.

I am less worried about people I have known for a long time. It is a tough change, I get it. But day to day I was hoping for more.

There are many days where I am strong enough to say I am a woman and I don't care. I do celebrate the unexpected passing. Besides that it means waiting a bit longer. If I still do not pass better at my two year mark, then I'll have to look into FFS.

Overall, passing has gotten better over time.

I know part of my problem is that I am on a medication which counteracts Estrogen, so my levels are generally on the lower end. Age plays another role.

I have not switched how I take Estradiol so I cannot comment on the effect of injections. In general you should see increased levels of Estrogen.

Do not give up! Give the injections some time. See if you can change your presentation to be more feminine:-)

One year is not enough for everyone sweetie. I was full time before a year and did not pass all the time. Soooooo much goes into this and hormones is just a part of it.

How's your voice?
Done any hair removal yet?
How is your presentation?

This is work for most of us. It is no longer work for me but I've put in a lot of time to make sure that all of the little things as well as the big say female.

Three years and my physical appearance is still changing, it's not over for you yet. Patience. 😁

Quote from: sarah1972 on December 28, 2017, 03:24:13 PM
I am also at the one year mark and in the same boat you are. Unless I put extra effort in (makeup, dress) I rarely pass. I have noticed that a more feminine presentation certainly helps. The more gender clues I can give, the better people are about getting it right. But even that is no guarantee: A few weeks ago I stood in a deli in skirt, makeup and boots and still have been addressed as Sir.

I am less worried about people I have known for a long time. It is a tough change, I get it. But day to day I was hoping for more.

There are many days where I am strong enough to say I am a woman and I don't care. I do celebrate the unexpected passing. Besides that it means waiting a bit longer. If I still do not pass better at my two year mark, then I'll have to look into FFS.

Overall, passing has gotten better over time.

I know part of my problem is that I am on a medication which counteracts Estrogen, so my levels are generally on the lower end. Age plays another role.

I have not switched how I take Estradiol so I cannot comment on the effect of injections. In general you should see increased levels of Estrogen.

Do not give up! Give the injections some time. See if you can change your presentation to be more feminine:-)

I can sorta relate. I am 35 and started hormones at 34 years old. That feels so old for this because it feels like I have just missed out on so much. Plus I am tall, 6' on the money. I don't know what to do. Gender dysphoria has messed me up so much that even at this age I have never held a job for over six months, ever. Never once. I am on SSI and everything. I actually still live at home and never was able to live on my own. I just feel lost and not passing feels like just another

Sorry for being just another sad trans girl, but I just like don't know.

What can someone like me do to make a living? I live near a big, liberal city but I have no degree, no experience, and no real skills. Even a lot of progressive people will look at me, a tall, non-passable trans woman with an adam's apple and turn me away.

I try so hard to stay positive, but then it's like reality slaps me in the face.

Passing is about more than the changes that hormones can make.  Passing is about, yes, the physical changes, but also about your dress, grooming, voice, walk, and mannerisms. 

There are lots of cis women who are uglier than me, who have smaller boobs than me, but who pass effortlessly, because they have all the other characteristics perfectly.  So if I don't pass, I can't blame the HRT.  I don't pass on close scrutiny - my voice is certainly clockable - but in a crowd, I don't attract any attention.  I am just another woman who won't make the cover of a beauty magazine.

Yes, I think passing is all about confidence.  I am not at all self-conscious about being trans.  Which is interesting for me, because I was never self-confident as a man.  But I am happy with who I am.  I dress well, I wear a nice wig, I don't usually wear makeup because I think women my age (63) tend to look better without it, I make an effort with my voice to sound plausible, and I walk into stores and restaurants like I belong there, which I do.  The self-confidence is almost like, "I dare you to clock me."

Where did the confidence come from?  It came from doing it.  I spent one day as myself in a city where I am not known, just being me, "faking it till I made it."  That day was life-changing for me. 

Quote from: FinallyMichelle on December 28, 2017, 03:45:33 PM
One year is not enough for everyone sweetie. I was full time before a year and did not pass all the time. Soooooo much goes into this and hormones is just a part of it.

How's your voice?
Done any hair removal yet?
How is your presentation?

This is work for most of us. It is no longer work for me but I've put in a lot of time to make sure that all of the little things as well as the big say female.

Three years and my physical appearance is still changing, it's not over for you yet. Patience. 😁

You wrote that as I was writing my previous response. Sorry I missed you.



My voice is "okay." The problem there is that it's hard for me to maintain it for any length of time. Like more than 10-15 minutes and I get hoarse. Moreover, I cannot laugh, whisper or yell with a good feminine voice.

I am doing laser. I am a twoc and have been using "Candela Gentle Yag." I have been to four treatments and am getting my fifth early next month. I never had much facial hair to begin with, but I still need a few treatments. I plan to move top electro eventually but don't know of any good places that are friendly to trans women.

My presentation is such that people just think I am a gay man. It's kinda funny in a way, but in a way it really bears down on me. I guess sometimes I just try to laugh away the stress.

Thanks for the kind words.

By the way, SHadowSister, I notice that you are new here.

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Quote from: KathyLauren on December 28, 2017, 04:00:50 PM
Passing is about more than the changes that hormones can make.  Passing is about, yes, the physical changes, but also about your dress, grooming, voice, walk, and mannerisms. 

There are lots of cis women who are uglier than me, who have smaller boobs than me, but who pass effortlessly, because they have all the other characteristics perfectly.  So if I don't pass, I can't blame the HRT.  I don't pass on close scrutiny - my voice is certainly clockable - but in a crowd, I don't attract any attention.  I am just another woman who won't make the cover of a beauty magazine.

Yes, I think passing is all about confidence.  I am not at all self-conscious about being trans.  Which is interesting for me, because I was never self-confident as a man.  But I am happy with who I am.  I dress well, I wear a nice wig, I don't usually wear makeup because I think women my age (63) tend to look better without it, I make an effort with my voice to sound plausible, and I walk into stores and restaurants like I belong there, which I do.  The self-confidence is almost like, "I dare you to clock me."

Where did the confidence come from?  It came from doing it.  I spent one day as myself in a city where I am not known, just being me, "faking it till I made it."  That day was life-changing for me.

I wish so much that I could just dress but it's hard for me. Here's why:

First and foremost I am really afraid of being hurt in public. I mean that more than physically because I have heard stories of people being spit at, ridiculed, cigarettes flicked their way or otherwise verbally abused.

I will admit something that I can only with the anonymity of the internet: I am not at all a strong person. I am weak. I have no one here to help me become stronger.

I live in a house with some old, conservative "Christians" and I am passively-aggressively attacked. For instance my father, who takes care of me, accepts my trans status and claims he wont kick me out. Heck he's even been to my gender therapist and endo with me and asks me "friendly" questions, but at the same time he says things like "People wont see that you're 'turning into a woman,' will they?" Dammit, I cannot even paint my nails here.

I am not suicidal, but holy hell, I can see why many are.


I have nowhere to go, I am broke. I have no respectable amount of money and so like many poor people I am oppressed. It's like I am a slave and so remaining confident or gaining it is like one of the hardest things to do.

Sorry to whine, but I just wanna vent a bit.


Also Thank You KathyLauren for the introduction.

Well dang... Your question is difficult to answer.  I started at 35 and I am 5' 11".  2 years later and I get the occasional ma'am while out in men's clothing.  I get quite a few Sir's in women's clothing.  I don't believe that I look feminine in the least.  However, everyone that I talk to say that I'm extremely pretty.  So It's difficult to say... I have seen my face for 37 years and have always seen myself as very masculine.  From what I was told at the doctor's office, I have extremely feminine features... and a weak chin.   So it's all a matter of perspective.  35 years of seeing your reflection and saying male will skew anyone's perspective.  I got turned down for facial feminization surgery.  The surgeon said he wouldn't touch my face. So you might not be as far off as you think.

That being said, changes are slower in general for older transitioners.  I am still getting slow and steady changes after 2 years.  I wouldn't hold any stock in that 1-year wives tale.  It is bunk...  You can see changes for at least the next few years.  Some of the girls here are still getting changes after 6 and 8 years.

I totally get the whole conservative aggravation.  My family is that way and they still call me Joshua.  They have no interest in knowing my preferred name.  Nor am I allowed to be around them with nail polish, makeup, or women's clothing (god forbid!).  Speaking in a trained voice is just too much for them as well.  There is not much you can do other than just be yourself.  Be willing to flex on things that you care less about and stay firm and immovable on what you know in your heart to be important to you.  Some compromise on both your parts will go a long way.

If you're in the states Medicaid offers FFS, Breast Augmentation, Gender Reassignment, etc...  I'm certain there is a way to finagle what you need out of the system...  Where there's a will there's a way!  There are even foundations that will fund the essentials.  Don't be so quick to discount anything as being out of reach.  Stay positive!  You've come this far... 

Quote from: Harley Quinn on December 28, 2017, 05:16:22 PM
Well dang... Your question is difficult to answer.  I started at 35 and I am 5' 11".  2 years later and I get the occasional ma'am while out in men's clothing.  I get quite a few Sir's in women's clothing.  I don't believe that I look feminine in the least.  However, everyone that I talk to say that I'm extremely pretty.  So It's difficult to say... I have seen my face for 37 years and have always seen myself as very masculine.  From what I was told at the doctor's office, I have extremely feminine features... and a weak chin.   So it's all a matter of perspective.  35 years of seeing your reflection and saying male will skew anyone's perspective.  I got turned down for facial feminization surgery.  The surgeon said he wouldn't touch my face. So you might not be as far off as you think.

That being said, changes are slower in general for older transitioners.  I am still getting slow and steady changes after 2 years.  I wouldn't hold any stock in that 1-year wives tale.  It is bunk...  You can see changes for at least the next few years.  Some of the girls here are still getting changes after 6 and 8 years.

I totally get the whole conservative aggravation.  My family is that way and they still call me Joshua.  They have no interest in knowing my preferred name.  Nor am I allowed to be around them with nail polish, makeup, or women's clothing (god forbid!).  Speaking in a trained voice is just too much for them as well.  There is not much you can do other than just be yourself.  Be willing to flex on things that you care less about and stay firm and immovable on what you know in your heart to be important to you.  Some compromise on both your parts will go a long way.

If you're in the states Medicaid offers FFS, Breast Augmentation, Gender Reassignment, etc...  I'm certain there is a way to finagle what you need out of the system...  Where there's a will there's a way!  There are even foundations that will fund the essentials.  Don't be so quick to discount anything as being out of reach.  Stay positive!  You've come this far... 

Thank you for that awesome response.

I am on Medicaid and have insurance through my state (sorry to not be too detailed, I'd rather retain some privacy because someone lurking on could have bad intentions). They have a person who works with their transgender members and she went ahead and let me know what my plan covers. I learned from her that they cover bottom surgery (vaginoplasty), adam's apple reduction (tracheal shave), and top surgery (aka "boob job" I forget the technical name hehe) but sadly they do not cover ffs. I tell you, how I wish they did. I'd probably give up all the others to have a passable face as then I'd be able to better function. I went to a focus group once and explained that to them. Anyhow, I researched the doctor they used, her name is Kathy Rumer, and found that she is generally not well-received in the trans community *gulp*. They used to use Meltzer, who is supposedly one of the best but sadly I missed that train.

It feels good to know that there can still be changes after the one year mark. I looked at some timelines and saw people who after a year had amazing results but was discouraged when looking in the mirror that I didn't see anything even close to approaching that.

I Thank You for you post as reading it helped me to feel better and gave me some hope that as I continue to laboriously work through my transition that there is still room for things to improve.

Hello ShawdowSister!

Welcome aboard sister!... I'm sorry you are feeling a bit discouraged right now with this part of the journey...

I am planning on writing extensively on the subject of "passing" in the near future... Not "how to" stuff but, rather, our perspectives on it and the weight we give it in relation to our overall happiness and satisfaction during and post transition... I have seen so much anguish and suffering over the years that is unneeded, caused when passing becomes the focus above all else...

There are perspectives to all things dear sister!...You seem to be attaching a lot of fears right now to this part of the process and I would like you to read these thoughts on the role of fear in all this... There may be some new perspectives you haven't yet considered

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,230730.0.html

Most of us go into the process of transition hoping and believing we will come to a point where most of the people we encounter will see us as female... it is a fine goal that most of us share

Passing to some, means 100% of the people we encounter will see us as a cis-woman 100% of the time... That is a very high bar indeed and often a recipe for misery if you see that as your only chance for happiness... Most of us have shortfalls of one kind or another that make hitting that mark difficult but, we find during the process, that we are happy, satisfied and complete without hitting the precise goals we went into transition with...

My definition of passing has come to mean... That most people I encounter see me as female... The cis-female part matters not... Although this is my definition of it... The weight that I assign passing, to my overall level of happiness is far less than I had originally envisioned.... For the most part I have thrown it out the window and there is liberation and freedom in that for me...

We can never control how other see us and trying to is a losing game... One hole in our presentation can be the source of utter misery to us, or...just what it is... Something about ourself we would like to be a little different than it is and nothing more...

The place I am at now, in my mind, may be quite different from where many chose to be and want for themselves but, at this point... If people I encounter see me as a cis-woman...Great!...
( but I won't lie to achieve that).... If they see me as a female transwoman ( my truth)... Great!!!!.... And, If they see me as a pathetic middle aged, surgically mutilated man in women's clothes... Not quite as great but nothing I can't deal with because my happiness and sense of self is mine... I do not give the power to control those things to them...

BTW... I am 56 and 4+ years in to HRT... still seeing positive changes all the time!

All will be well little sister!!! 😀

Onward we go!!!

Ashley 😀❤️🌻

A few thoughts:

First, while it feels good to be gendered by others in a way that matches your identity, few people pass in the sense of not being recognized as trans.  I am usually (90+% of the time) referred to with feminine pronouns, but I think I can fairly easy be recognized that I am trans if the observer is observant.  Many people are not observant, others, seeing how I present myself (dress, hair, makeup, nails, etc) gender me female because it is rather obvious that this is what I want, and most people are kind.  There are people who are so convincingly female in their appearance and expression that they are not even recognizably trans.  Some of this owes to effort on their part, but relatively more owes to genetics and age at the time of transition.  Passing in that sense is a privilege, not an expected outcome.

The worst part about being concerned about passing is that you allow someone else's reaction to define you.  If I get called sir because I'm presenting in very masculine attire, that's really my own fault.  If I get called sir by someone who made an honest mistake, it doesn't feel good, but I ought to be able to get past that.  If I get called sir by someone who definitely knows better, I ought to recognize that person as a troll, and not give them power over my life.  If, instead of fixating on passing, I focus on self-acceptance, I value myself regardless of public reaction.

I think that's the better goal.  Welcome to Susan's.

Quote from: tgirlamc on December 28, 2017, 06:07:19 PM
Hello ShawdowSister!

Welcome aboard sister!... I'm sorry you are feeling a bit discouraged right now with this part of the journey...

I am planning on writing extensively on the subject of "passing" in the near future... Not "how to" stuff but, rather, our perspectives on it and the weight we give it in relation to our overall happiness and satisfaction during and post transition... I have seen so much anguish and suffering over the years that is unneeded, caused when passing becomes the focus above all else...

There are perspectives to all things dear sister!...You seem to be attaching a lot of fears right now to this part of the process and I would like you to read these thoughts on the role of fear in all this... There may be some new perspectives you haven't yet considered

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,230730.0.html

Most of us go into the process of transition hoping and believing we will come to a point where most of the people we encounter will see us as female... it is a fine goal that most of us share

Passing to some, means 100% of the people we encounter will see us as a cis-woman 100% of the time... That is a very high bar indeed and often a recipe for misery if you see that as your only chance for happiness... Most of us have shortfalls of one kind or another that make hitting that mark difficult but, we find during the process, that we are happy, satisfied and complete without hitting the precise goals we went into transition with...

My definition of passing has come to mean... That most people I encounter see me as female... The cis-female part matters not... Although this is my definition of it... The weight that I assign passing, to my overall level of happiness is far less than I had originally envisioned.... For the most part I have thrown it out the window and there is liberation and freedom in that for me...

We can never control how other see us and trying to is a losing game... One hole in our presentation can be the source of utter misery or just what it is... Something about ourself we would like to be a little different than it is and nothing more...

The place I am at now, in my mind, may be quite different from where many chose to be and want for themselves but, at this point... If people I encounter see me as a cis-woman...Great!...
( but I won't lie to achieve that).... If they see me as a female transwoman ( my truth)... Great!!!!.... And, If they see me as a pathetic middle aged, surgically mutilated man in women's clothes... Not quite as great but nothing I can't deal with because my happiness and sense of self is mine... I do not give the power to control those things to them...

BTW... I am 56 and 4+ years in to HRT... still seeing positive changes all the time!

All will be well little sister!!! 😀

Onward we go!!!

Ashley 😀❤️🌻

Thank You very much.

Fear is a big thing for me and admittedly I am ruled by it.  I'll write about it here. 

Above all I fear being killed. I don't do any kind of partying or sex work and I am not on the dating scene, but I do still have to sometimes go outside and I am really worried about someone shooting or stabbing me. Not to take anything away from anyone else here because oppression is something that strikes deeply at most, if not all of us, yet when I hear of another murdered trans woman I can almost bet my bottom dollar when I look at her she will be a Black or Latina woman just like me. I read some much about how all trans men and trans women suffer at the hands of oppressors, but then almost without fail see "...and trans women of color get it the worst." It's so crushing on the mind, body, and soul. I am literally scared to get a boob job because I worry if I get shot or stabbed my implant(s) will deflate and I'll be laughed at even more. I wish people who hated us and who fueled that hate through their "non politically correct" "jokes" and whatnot would just for a moment let something like that sink in: I am as prepared for death as a soldier deployed in Afghanistan or Iraq, and from what I hear it's no exaggeration as the mortality rate of folks like is not so far off from those on such deployments. These people, give them but a day in the trans woman's shoes and they'll emerge from that experience with fear on their face, for this experience is like a battle.

In an ideal world, girl, I swear I'd just throw on my nice women's jeans, my Uggs, and a nice, cute coat, then do my hair  and just be an obvious woman with a history of being trans, but while the people here may be "liberal" there is a very, very small but dangerous minority that makes it to where, I feel, my fear is warranted.  To take the gloves off and write bluntly: I live among black people and unfortunately many of them are extremely transphobic, so it makes a situation that even though I am in a northern, liberal ("blue state") area, there are some who make it to where it can be as dangerous as parts of the Bible Belt.

Please do not think I am at all trying to discount anything you have said. I read your post and what you linked and enjoyed it. It's really good the things you say and you add a nice intellectual take on it that I can appreciate. What I write in response is expressing to you what I experience here on the ground to hopefully lend you further insight into the world of another trans woman.

Quote from: TinaVane on December 28, 2017, 03:21:24 PM
Every cis woman can pass either so you're not alone baby girl


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Sorry I missed your post! I feel bad if I cannot respond to all of them, lol. Thank You for the kind words. In a way I feel guilty for gaining some sense of comfort that there are others who are going through tough times with me but at the same time it feels good because it's like Sisters together going through a tough ordeal, like someone is with me fighting in the pits.

Quote from: rmaddy on December 28, 2017, 06:45:59 PM
A few thoughts:

First, while it feels good to be gendered by others in a way that matches your identity, few people pass in the sense of not being recognized as trans.  I am usually (90+% of the time) referred to with feminine pronouns, but I think I can fairly easy be recognized that I am trans if the observer is observant.  Many people are not observant, others, seeing how I present myself (dress, hair, makeup, nails, etc) gender me female because it is rather obvious that this is what I want, and most people are kind.  There are people who are so convincingly female in their appearance and expression that they are not even recognizably trans.  Some of this owes to effort on their part, but relatively more owes to genetics and age at the time of transition.  Passing in that sense is a privilege, not an expected outcome.

The worst part about being concerned about passing is that you allow someone else's reaction to define you.  If I get called sir because I'm presenting in very masculine attire, that's really my own fault.  If I get called sir by someone who made an honest mistake, it doesn't feel good, but I ought to be able to get past that.  If I get called sir by someone who definitely knows better, I ought to recognize that person as a troll, and not give them power over my life.  If, instead of fixating on passing, I focus on self-acceptance, I value myself regardless of public reaction.

I think that's the better goal.  Welcome to Susan's.

Gosh I envy you, I wish I could have confidence like that.

I will make it a new years goal to try to display confidence like yours and others here, which is in part why I'm here as the new year approaches. To get that confidence though seems so very hard to do! I just want some strong people to talk with and I am getting it here. Heck, even though my sister helps me a lot, and bless her heart, her and her hubby does not know these trans issues. My sis is so great, but she is crazy busy and it's hard for her to understand trans specific issues.

I apologize if I cannot personally respond to everyone, I did not expect so many awesome responses! Still I hope everyone does know I am reading every single word you write.

Hey Little Sister!

Geography and our immediate surroundings are indeed amongst the considerations we face... I am fortunate that here in California, the percentage of people in my immediate environment that would seek to go out of their way to do me harm is probably quite low!

For you, I will say... where there is a will there is a way... if you don't feel safe there find resources to relocate... I know your financial resources are wanting right now but find a way around it... local diversity centers may offer job prospects and training opportunities... Out here, just north in Silicon Valley there is Transcode, which helps train trans folks to do programming code... Think big to get big results... hold on to the appropriate amount of fear but don't let fear call all the shots.... Your life is for you to live and it is what you make it to be.... you have landed in a very good spot here and there are likely girls here close to you geographically... Reach out to us and let us know how to help!! I am always around and message me absolutely anytime you think I could be of help along the way!!!!

Onward we go little sister... together!

Ashley 😀❤️

Quote from: Shadowsister on December 28, 2017, 07:34:28 PM

Gosh I envy you, I wish I could have confidence like that.

It's not so much confidence as a strategy.  I certainly care how I appear to the world, and I have to remind myself from time to time not to be discouraged what others think and say.

Here's another strategy that I just fell into over time.  I used to stand in front of the mirror and take note of how tall I was, or how deep my eyes were set, or that my hips were missing or my arms too long.  My attention was on all the ways in which I didn't feel feminine.  Getting ready time became a sort of argument that I would lose with my reflection every morning.  I knew that I should be kinder to myself, but I didn't know how.  Eventually I just started looking myself in the eye and smiling, as if I were meeting a friend at a party.  I smile and whisper, "Hey, girl."  I actually, audibly say it.  I watch my face express how happy I am to see her again.  It sounds really strange when I describe it, but I really feel that way now.

My body has changed over time, and that is really nice, but the biggest change was on the inside.  I'm not a very positive person honestly, but I know how to treat a friend.  Maybe there is something in that approach that you can use.

Quote from: tgirlamc on December 28, 2017, 08:01:29 PM
Hey Little Sister!

Geography and our immediate surroundings are indeed amongst the considerations we face... I am fortunate that here in California, the percentage of people in my immediate environment that would seek to go out of their way to do me harm is probably quite low!

For you, I will say... where there is a will there is a way... if you don't feel safe there find resources to relocate... I know your financial resources are wanting right now but find a way around it... local diversity centers may offer job prospects and training opportunities... Out here, just north in Silicon Valley there is Transcode, which helps train trans folks to do programming code... Think big to get big results... hold on to the appropriate amount of fear but don't let fear call all the shots.... Your life is for you to live and it is what you make it to be.... you have landed in a very good spot here and there are likely girls here close to you geographically... Reach out to us and let us know how to help!! I am always around and message me absolutely anytime you think I could be of help along the way!!!!

Onward we go little sister... together!

Ashley 😀❤️

Wow, I can't accurately convey how much I appreciate how much you're helping me here.

I am going to be a straight shooter here and I am going to do it loud and clear in the open so that anyone else who cares to offer insight  may do so and that also so there is a record of it for people who may have similar struggles to me.

Before going on, I ask a massive favor of you, or anyone really, and it is this: I know in our community we deal with so much hatred that we sometimes focus too much on what's positive and sometimes ignore what's realistic. Please, I beg the reader, do not take that as a slight against your honesty or character, for I know in such cases your intent is good. Knowing that, I ask here that you all be raw with me, give it to me straight! Give me some insight as to how this world really works in the job market and how things are out there in the world. I get out, I have some experience the world by virtue of living life, but I am mostly a shut in and I have much to learn, things that many have learned in their earlier years. I respect the knowledge and wisdom of all here. Please help with all that in mind.

Okay here it is

About employment, I used to be married and when I was those years were really crazy for me. My wife and I ended up being fools and we managed to catch a felony conviction for grand theft, which technically is known as a crime of moral terpitude. Those are very bad. Without  getting too personal, we stole from the government. We stole a substantial amount of money, to be honest. Suffuce to say we were for a while making about as much as accomplished surgeons (no exaggeration, we did the math).  Angered at our cleverness, the courts engineered our conviction in a way that without a pardon from the governor of this state expungement is not at all possible. I have talked to multiple lawyers on this and even some were like "Damn, they really made sure this was going to stick." And even still a pardon is not likely as since the time of  the crime I have not really made much of myself, quite the contrary in fact, as I have had a divorce, been on welfare, and have not had any employment. I did not serve any prison time, and to note this all happened over 10 years ago. It  was a while ago. I am so innocent now, the system actually worked on me, I reformed and won't so much as take extra fortune cookies at the Chinese restaurant, but that record will likely stick will me until I am in my grave, same for my ex. This is very shameful for me, I hope you all understand.

So sitting here I do an assessment of myself and come to the realization that I am 1) trans 2) a woman, 3) a racial minority 4) a convicted felon, and upon seeing this I can't help but sit back and think that my chances of finding gainful, fulfilling employment is but a dream that I'll never see materialize. Who in the world would hire the likes of me to do anything other than mop floors or wash dishes for an amount of money that one adult could hardly live off? I would love to program (but I am not that great in math, lol), but sometimes I wonder if striving for such things is just setting myself up for upset.

That turned into a long post and I'll end it there lest it turn into a novel!

[edits for clarity]

Quote from: rmaddy on December 28, 2017, 08:46:24 PM
It's not so much confidence as a strategy.  I certainly care how I appear to the world, and I have to remind myself from time to time not to be discouraged what others think and say.

Here's another strategy that I just fell into over time.  I used to stand in front of the mirror and take note of how tall I was, or how deep my eyes were set, or that my hips were missing or my arms too long.  My attention was on all the ways in which I didn't feel feminine.  Getting ready time became a sort of argument that I would lose with my reflection every morning.  I knew that I should be kinder to myself, but I didn't know how.  Eventually I just started looking myself in the eye and smiling, as if I were meeting a friend at a party.  I smile and whisper, "Hey, girl."  I actually, audibly say it.  I watch my face express how happy I am to see her again.  It sounds really strange when I describe it, but I really feel that way now.

My body has changed over time, and that is really nice, but the biggest change was on the inside.  I'm not a very positive person honestly, but I know how to treat a friend.  Maybe there is something in that approach that you can use.

There's a lot from that I can use.

Your post resonates with me because it's almost frightening how similar your experience is to mine when faced with my enemy, the mirror. I too have deeper set eyes, long limbs, and no hips, not to mention a large Adam's apple, so large I wonder if a trach shave will do any real justice. My big head also does not help lol.

One thing that hurt me is when I went to my endo at exactly my one year (to the day!) anniversary of starting HRT I learned that my body was struggling to get my testosterone down and so I was switched from pills to injections + finasteride in addition to the spiro I was already taking. I know I am not supposed to give exact doses, but hopefully what I just mentioned was enough. On that visit,  it felt like nothing but poison, the poison that for so long has tormented me with those masculine features was burning through my veins like acid, destroying me.

Look myself in the eye and respect myself? That's some hard work, my sister. I never tried your idea but I'll give it a shot and see if it can help me gain some confidence.

Hi Shadowsister

I am 19 months on HRT and you can see from my picture that I am obviously trans. I go about my day and life like any other woman doing as I need to and I get treated just fine. I am always either gendered correctly or not gendered at all. I have been out and about fulltime now since March of this year. Someone with from this board keyed me into realising that being myself was what all this was about and it was something I was doing for me.

It took me a long time and I went through a period where I could not seem to get gendered correctly and it struck me that people just want to get on with their own lives and have very little interest in being overtly hostile or rude to anyone, but you do need to give them a few clues. Your presentation is going to change the way people react to you. Prior to going fulltime I was getting quite upset by the twisting back and forth in my presentation and decided enough was enough. Once I made my presentation clear I began to have much less anxiety about actually going to the various places I had to as part of everyday living. I also began to get gendered correctly.

I started with safe spaces like my therapist office, HRT Dr's office, Electrologist etc etc...all these people I considered safe places and dressed and presented myself as I wanted. This helped with the more difficult places like shopping malls and shops themselves.

Confidence comes when you feel you know a situation and how exactly it will all turn out. Like going to the store for a loaf of bread...you have a certain expectation of how that will go because you have done it so many times. The more you present yourself as who you are then the more confident you will become on how you appear to the world.

I am sure with all the great advice in this thread you will be fine