I feel part of my issue is I never had high self-esteem (just false bravado). I was a skinny kid, not very manly, picked on, laughed at, etc. The feeling of losing weight and growing out my hair bothers me some. It's like I would be returning to that skinny kid in the eyes of society, the guy I tried everything to remove from my life. He's my real male self.

As I am on a transition path, I may find that I become very comfortable being that skinny kid and the transition stops. Of course, if I transition more female, then none of this matters.

It's hard to tell sometimes if I am fighting the transgirl inside me, or I am fighting the skinny kid.

We sometimes have to put up with short-term pain for long-term gain.  We do it when we endure electrolysis, when we get up twice in the middle of the night thanks to the diuretic effect of spiro, when our growing breasts hurt, when we suffer the pain of surgery and the inconvenience of recovery.

If you plan to transition, you will have to get used to not being manly.  Are you worried about how that skinny kid looks in the eyes of society, or are you worried about how he looks in your own eyes?  Are you worried that you will not like that temporary transitional form, or are you worried that you willl like him too much?  I see signs of both in your post.

Quote from: amandam on December 29, 2017, 01:27:21 AM
It's hard to tell sometimes if I am fighting the transgirl inside me, or I am fighting the skinny kid.

That's a good insight.  You are probably doing both.  I think a lot of the indecision that members report comes from this: fighting the future and fighting the past at the same time.

This is all good material for discussion with your therapist.

If I understood correctly, you are worried about going through the awkward in between phase where you'll revert to being skinny and less masculine? If that's the case, I get it. I'm going through the same... lost all that made me masculine and attractive in my eyes. I know it's all for a greater good but it's normal to somehow mourn that loss.

My therapist told me this part of transitioning is probably the hardest and I can definitely see why. It's like you're not a woman yet but neither a man at this point. It's weird.


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Regarding the question you posed in the thread title... I think the reason for that lack of acceptance can matter quite a bit in determining quite a lot of things.

The first line in your post seems to me to be influencing a lot of the way you feel. Self-esteem issues. I get the feeling that it's not so much the fact of being a skinny kid that's bothering you, but more your state of mind that this represents to you. Because of the things you went though. Feelings of vulnerability, humiliation, sadness, helplessness, self-hatred maybe. And I sense that you took all these feelings and internally made them your fault. Told yourself that if you weren't like that then the experiences which happened to you might not have happened, and it would be more likely that they wouldn't happen again. So you did everything you could to get away from that. To be someone else. Someone who could never be harmed in that way again. As you say, "The guy I tried everything to remove from my life."

And to do that you tried to become a different kind of persona. The other extreme, maybe? The opposite to everything which made you feel those feelings and made you hate yourself? But that doesn't feel right, either, I'm guessing. And you're feeling that transitioning will bring you uncomfortably close to that previous emotional state of mind again, the one you thought you'd got rid of.

It's a common thing with self-esteem and bullying. We make it our fault. We tell ourselves that if we didn't give people anything to throw at us then they couldn't throw it. The voice inside turns negative and self critical. Instead of seeing the reality, which is that the responsibility for such actions lies solely with those committing them, and it is not our fault for being a certain way. Be that through looks, actions, mannerisms, preferences, or anything else. But, as is often the case, at that age we aren't emotionally aware enough to see that.

Sweetie, what I think you're fighting is what that skinny kid represents to you. The mental associations you have with that image. The snapshot of your emotional state that you took at that time in your life and attributed to yourself. Blamed yourself for. And honestly... the feelings associated with being bullied are never good ones. It's hardly surprising that you're scared you might experience them again.

I think you're scared of losing your shield and being vulnerable. I'm not entirely sure that your gender is as tied up with this as you think it is. And it's a somewhat different issue which may need some kind of resolution. I feel like maybe your lack of self-esteem may be clouding things more than it should, by attributing an emotional state to a gender, and appearance. And maybe you would have more clarity on how to proceed if you were able to untangle the two.

Sweetie, as Kathy says, this is definitely something to discuss with a therapist. To maybe try and work though. I wish you the best of luck with it. Sincerely. *hugs*

Quote from: amandam on December 29, 2017, 01:27:21 AM
It's hard to tell sometimes if I am fighting the transgirl inside me, or I am fighting the skinny kid.

In my experience it is not so much the physical transformation that is important. Yes it is nice to finally have a slightly more feminine body, softer features and long hair. I wanted long hair in high school but being an athlete?  I was required to get a buzz cut. I am very happy with what I see in the mirror although somewhat manly/out of shape. But what I cherish most is the mental clarity. The feeling of caring for others. Losing my being self centered, trying to be something I am not and never have been but was forced by social mores to acknowledge. Do I pass? No never. But you could say I didn't pass as a guy either I was tall and skinny but had no muscles to speak of. I was not into guy things besides baseball, but many girls play softball. But I can be respected and accepted and that is what I am working on. Education is the only way this will happen. I hope my explanation makes sense to you and you are satisfied with your decision no matter what you decide.

I feel you on this, OP.

I was an ugly duckling that went through a lot of rebellious phases due to lots of bullying - none of them involved drugs or hanging out with the wrong crowd. I went out of my way to be uglier and slap the world in the face, among other things. I got awful haircuts, wore terrible clothes, did everything I could to avoid being seen as attractive by anybody. Then college happened, I moved to the other side of the country and started over. Decided I wanted to try being somebody else for a while. Been in that phase for ten years, trying to distance myself from that ugly, angry, spiteful person I was after puberty.

I am attractive now. I'm regularly told that I should get into modeling. And I feel like transitioning would mean going back to being ugly, at least for a while. One puberty was hell... but another one? More years of being undesirable and ambiguous and angry about it, all in the prime of my life? Yikes.

It IS a scary thought. But people like us might just be crazy enough to do it anyways..!

Lots of good advice! I like Sephirah's breakdown, it is awesome!

Yeah, I think when I first heard the word "transition" it scared me, but at the same time I liked it. Then as I became comfortable with that word, I started remembering myself when young, before I tried to be macho. I remember that physically, with some of my femininie features, would probably go well. Then I remembered the pain. Then I thought, if I go down the path of transition and don't, I'll be that kid again. That gave me pause.

But, I'm not him any more, I could never be again. Even a fully-transitioned me is tougher that that kid. I think it's just a lot of anxiety. I will bring this up with the therapist. It's funny how your mind bounces all over the place with this stuff.