So last night after the trans support group I went ahead and came out to my mom. It went pretty well. My husband and I were prepared to drive home if it went poorly, but she still asked us to spend the night.

While I was trying to tell her she blurted out "You want to do the transgender thing?" I tried to explain that it wasn't a thing I was doing, but who I am. She rebutted that it was something that had to be done to me. Apparently all the hints I have dropped over the last few years have worked. She said she has discussed it with my brother and sister in law.

She thinks it has to do with the fact that my husband and I have had infertility problems. I tried to explain that the reason I was so anxious to have a genetic offspring is that I wanted to transition. That she could go back over a decade and find journal entries of mine where I talk about the intense dysphoria. That there was totally a thing called "birth giving dads." That I don't want to be a mom.

She cried. She said she liked having a girl. I told her I wasn't ever really the girl she wanted. She argued a bit. She said she worked really hard to have a girl. She partly blamed the trans thing on the fact that I was 3 months premature. I shrugged and said who knows.

I am alone in her guest room: My husband left for work a few minutes ago. I am crying. I had a fitful night. I am worried about her in the other room. I want to leave, but I feel like I should stay until she wakes up.

The thing that is driving me crazy is that I thought I was supposed to feel better. I thought that I would be relieved. Why do I fill awful? Why do I feel full of guilt?

Coming out is hard. The person people belive they know is not what they think. You rocked your mom's world a bit. She will need time to adjust.

My story was the complete opposite. But I rocked my moms world hard when I got my diagnose of tourette's syndrome when I was 25 years old. She looked at me like I was an alien for 3 months.

She needs to process the new information. What she had missed and the guilty feelings and denial. When that had passed she could see me as a person again.

Thinking your mom goes through somewhat the same stages.


Tony

Give your mom time.  You've been thinking about this for years and years.  Mom, not so long.  It's a strange and foreign thought to cis people that we even think about our gender when that's all some of us thought about.

You're still there.  She must have some acceptance.  Nurture that go slowly. Bring Mom along for the ride.

Good luck and in time it will feel better.  Maybe not good but at worst indifferent.

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I think that I may not have been clear. It isn't my mom's reaction I am upset about. My mom was fine.


It is MY reaction. I thought I was supposed to feel relieved, euphoric even. Instead I woke up having a panic attack, filled with guilt about ruining my mother's dreams.

I thought coming out was supposed to lift the weight off my shoulders not add more to it.

Quote from: Pao on December 29, 2017, 12:05:37 PM
I think that I may not have been clear. It isn't my mom's reaction I am upset about. My mom was fine.


It is MY reaction. I thought I was supposed to feel relieved, euphoric even. Instead I woke up having a panic attack, filled with guilt about ruining my mother's dreams.

I thought coming out was supposed to lift the weight off my shoulders not add more to it.

I caught what you meant. I wish it were that easy. We still get stuck in the 'what they expect from us' and 'we let them down' guilt cycle. It'll get better.

In a word ignorance. Just the fact she called it a thing, shows she does not understand. Not that she won't accept it. One of the things that help is Significant Other support groups. Fairly easy to find in large cities or universities. There are states that do not have any. Try the links above to see if there is something in your area. Here is the best letter I have seen so far. It's honest, direct and explains things only we know. I hope you can enlighten Mom.   https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,104243.msg780226.html#msg780226

Coming out to my wife was hard, but I truly thought she would understand and be sympathetic. I was so wrong...it hit her hard and really hurt her. Seeing the pain it caused upset me greatly. The last thing on this earth that I ever wanted to do was hurt my wife, but now I had done just that. I was heartbroken. It was months before we could talk about it, months with no "I Love you's", some nights even sleeping in different rooms. It was only after finding a therapist to work with both of us that my wife began to understand. I think we are going to be OK now, but the pain did not heal on its own. See if your mom is willing to see a therapist to help you both understand more about each other. I wish you both the best of luck.

Quote from: Pao on December 29, 2017, 12:05:37 PM
I think that I may not have been clear. It isn't my mom's reaction I am upset about. My mom was fine.


It is MY reaction. I thought I was supposed to feel relieved, euphoric even. Instead I woke up having a panic attack, filled with guilt about ruining my mother's dreams.

I thought coming out was supposed to lift the weight off my shoulders not add more to it.

You get over it. Part of you may feel empowered. Go with that. I think the anxiety is from, what's next? Whatever you want.


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"Coming out" is for us as much as the other person/people. I told friends and it's been fine so far. My family has been asking because I slipped and they're seeing I'm changing but I've been deflecting.

I think when I'm honest with my family is when I'm sure about it and feel on track for success. Right now I don't feel that way so yes I'm not telling them.

Similarly- maybe you feel you accomplished a huge task telling your mom and you're ready for what's next? I really wish I could knock that out of the way but I can't..

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Quote from: Pao on December 29, 2017, 12:05:37 PM
I think that I may not have been clear. It isn't my mom's reaction I am upset about. My mom was fine.


It is MY reaction. I thought I was supposed to feel relieved, euphoric even. Instead I woke up having a panic attack, filled with guilt about ruining my mother's dreams.

I thought coming out was supposed to lift the weight off my shoulders not add more to it.

I went through some strange emotions as I came out.  One was anxiety due to the thought, "now I'm committed to doing this." Before anyone knew, I could keep my life as it was.  Once people knew there was, IMHO, no easy way to back out of transition.  Once I identified the cause I could compartmentalize it, address it, eradicate it and move on.

It rears its ugly head on occasion but I think about all the changes I've gone through and conclude how much better if I am now.

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