So what is it about gender dysphoria and being transgender that makes it so debilitating for my daughter?

She has always had anxiety, but we thought she was just very shy.  Things started to get worse when she started high school, but once she started college things seemed to be going well. But when she was in her freshman year of college last year and halfway through the second semester she suddenly quit going to classes.  She would rarely leave her dorm room.  Over the summer it was apparent that she had some serious issues going on: didn't go out much over the summer, told us she didn't want to return to school, said she couldn't get a job, etc.  WE tried and tried to get her to go to therapy but she didn't want to.  So when the time came for college classes to start up again, she told us she still wanted to go and live with her friends (they had already signed a lease for this school year), but we said that couldn't happen unless she either took classes or go a job - OR started therapy.  We thought this would be a way to get her to willingly go to therapy. So thankfully she agreed to that plan. We said we would reevaluate the plan over Christmas break.

She started therapy in August and a couple weeks later, came out to me as a transgender woman.  From what she is telling me, the root of all her anxiety and depression over the years is gender dysphoria. This is all new to us and she is just in the starting stages, and we are really not sure where to go from here.  The question now is - what happens after Christmas break? I think it is reasonable at this point to allow her to go back as long as she continues with therapy. DH feels like we need to persuade her to either go back to school or get a job, at some point. I agree that needs to happen at some point, but don't think she is ready for that right now. How can I explain to him how debilitating this is for her? Or am I enabling her?

Dysphoria is different for everyone, but at least for me in later life it became so distracting that it was unbearable. You need to give her support, time, and space to make the right decisions. I think it would be especially hard to accept for a younger person with less experience to draw on, and thus the questions and emotional roller coaster are harder to deal with. The next few years will be a challenge for her and you, but in the end living in the right skin will sort out self confidence issues etc and She will go to school / work happily.

The next steps will likely be a bit more therapy leading to medication if that is the right path. Once transition starts a lot of the anxiety goes away. Lots of new problems to deal with, but its moving forward and that alone is worth a lot.

Everybody's dysphoria is different. 

What it was like for me, and I am guessing that it is similar for many other pre-transition trans women, is the inability to be oneself.  I always had to put on an act, not even realizing that it was an act.  I had to pretend to be a guy all the time.  Unlike acting on stage, you don't get scene breaks or intermissions, and you don't get to relax once the show is over.  You have to be "on", in character, 24/7. 

I was always looking over my shoulder, checking to make sure I was playing the part right, because I learned from experience that you get punished if you slip out of character.  The most frustrating part was that there was no rule book, no script, from which I could learn the part.  I had to deduce my role from the reactions of people around me.

It is emotionally and physically draining.  I was mystified that other people seemed to know their roles easily.  How come they got a copy of the script and I didn't?  Initially I assumed that everyone felt like I did, but eventually I started to realize that they had it easier than I did.  So I started to think that there was something wrong with me.  Which added a whole other layer of suffering.

The joy of transitioning is not the feminine body or the pretty clothes, though those things are important to me and to my ability to be myself.  The joy comes from being free from pretending.  I am sure that cis people take this freedom for granted, and may be mystified that it is a cause for joy.  But I feel like I have been paroled after serving 60 years of a life sentence.

The thought that she has been pretending for 19 years just breaks my heart and for you to deal with it for 60 years is just horrible. I'm so sorry.<3

Quote from: LJH24 on December 29, 2017, 03:19:34 PM
So what is it about gender dysphoria and being transgender that makes it so debilitating for my daughter?

She has always had anxiety, but we thought she was just very shy.  Things started to get worse when she started high school, but once she started college things seemed to be going well. But when she was in her freshman year of college last year and halfway through the second semester she suddenly quit going to classes.  She would rarely leave her dorm room.  Over the summer it was apparent that she had some serious issues going on: didn't go out much over the summer, told us she didn't want to return to school, said she couldn't get a job, etc.  WE tried and tried to get her to go to therapy but she didn't want to.  So when the time came for college classes to start up again, she told us she still wanted to go and live with her friends (they had already signed a lease for this school year), but we said that couldn't happen unless she either took classes or go a job - OR started therapy.  We thought this would be a way to get her to willingly go to therapy. So thankfully she agreed to that plan. We said we would reevaluate the plan over Christmas break.

She started therapy in August and a couple weeks later, came out to me as a transgender woman.  From what she is telling me, the root of all her anxiety and depression over the years is gender dysphoria. This is all new to us and she is just in the starting stages, and we are really not sure where to go from here.  The question now is - what happens after Christmas break? I think it is reasonable at this point to allow her to go back as long as she continues with therapy. DH feels like we need to persuade her to either go back to school or get a job, at some point. I agree that needs to happen at some point, but don't think she is ready for that right now. How can I explain to him how debilitating this is for her? Or am I enabling her?

My personal experience, feeling like i should have been born female since i was little

I can tell you also that its hard to think about anything else other than the fact that you are transgendered, and you were born the wrong gender  (as much as ive tried not to think about), i have felt really debilitated by it feeling something was wrong, not feeling like other CIS guys, im 31 and yet still havent even begun to  think about any sort of proper career for me personally intimacy feels wrong.... even your skin feels wrong... touch... etc cant get close to other people fearing that if i tell them im going to lose them, its the constant feeling of isolation, of preferring isolation

I had other sh!t going on my life that was more awful at the time, losing loved ones (Death), having a not so nice family... (family in fighting.. getting dragged into it) etc, but getting into all of this was preferable to me than thinking about my own life, ie avoiding my disphoria, avoiding my life in general pretty much

Quote from: LJH24 on December 29, 2017, 04:57:05 PM
The thought that she has been pretending for 19 years just breaks my heart and for you to deal with it for 60 years is just horrible. I'm so sorry.<3

Aw, you're sweet.  Thanks! 

Part of my story that may be relevant to your daughter is that my dysphoria got worse when I started to understand it.

As long as it was a mystery, it was kind of low-key, like life sucks, but that's the way it is.  I'm weird, but that's just the way I am.  Gotta get on with life.

Once I knew what it was and had decided to transition, continuing the charade while I worked on the logistics of transitioning was close to unbearable.  I'd be Kathy at home and at my support group, but I had to be <him> when I left the house for anything else.  Needless to say, I didn't last long that way: I had to get my transition happening or I'd have gone mad.

I'm full-time now, and much happier.  But any obstacle brings the dysphoria back.  I have hassles with my birth certificate, and long waiting lists for treatment.  But at least I don't have to pretend any more.

I'm not too sure how she is doing right now, as she doesn't want to talk about it. At all.  She seemed to be doing well, but then we had the difficult dr's visit and now issues with family members finding out.  So hard to know what to do or how to help.  I'm trying to convince DH to ease up on her for the rest of this school year and not push to get a job or take any classes.

I think your decision on whether you should nudge her to get a job or go to school is up to you. It's really depressing realizing being transgender in a way and I've considered taking a leave from my job to sort things out. Especially emotionally.

It's sad she's in pain- I just think back when I was 19 and at home no one would have understood. I was away in college and I knew my survival meant I need to see it through so that's what I did. I had no time for gender questions, I felt wrong and I'd cry a lot but I just blocked this all out. Somehow I made it through. Transgender suicide rates are higher than average. 

I think your daughter is very lucky to have you as her parents be so understanding! Going to therapy seemed help maybe she should continue to do that.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk

Prior to age 13, I always felt out of place and I was trying to figure out how the world was supposed to work instead of it being natural. When I played, boy activities just didn't interest me and girls pretty much didn't want to associate with me because I was a boy.

Age 13 was when I finally figured out what was wrong and gradually it developed into a crushing depression. I really didn't feel like doing school work or much of anything and often my thoughts were interrupted by depression or the desire to be feminine. I struggled in school because of this and around age 23 it reached the point were I was very close to suicide. That forced the issue and I decided it was time to seek therapy.

When you have that level of depression, you lose your fear of death and death becomes almost welcoming. The unfortunate thing for me was I still had to fight the depression for several more years until I was able to connect with the correct treatment as I was an early transitioner. Fortunately for somebody ready to face the facts, the wait is far shorter today and information is available with a few searches.

I think that one's life shouldn't be put on hold. Work on transitioning, get a job or attend school. Activity helps by temporarily distracting you from the depression but it doesn't eliminate it. The last I heard, your child wasn't willing to start the transition and if that's still the case, you need to be pushy.

Quote from: Dena on December 29, 2017, 07:32:15 PM
Prior to age 13, I always felt out of place and I was trying to figure out how the world was supposed to work instead of it being natural. When I played, boy activities just didn't interest me and girls pretty much didn't want to associate with me because I was a boy.

Age 13 was when I finally figured out what was wrong and gradually it developed into a crushing depression. I really didn't feel like doing school work or much of anything and often my thoughts were interrupted by depression or the desire to be feminine. I struggled in school because of this and around age 23 it reached the point were I was very close to suicide. That forced the issue and I decided it was time to seek therapy.

When you have that level of depression, you lose your fear of death and death becomes almost welcoming. The unfortunate thing for me was I still had to fight the depression for several more years until I was able to connect with the correct treatment as I was an early transitioner. Fortunately for somebody ready to face the facts, the wait is far shorter today and information is available with a few searches.

I think that one's life shouldn't be put on hold. Work on transitioning, get a job or attend school. Activity helps by temporarily distracting you from the depression but it doesn't eliminate it. The last I heard, your child wasn't willing to start the transition and if that's still the case, you need to be pushy.

Similar to me except, i decided to push it at the farthest of my mind, now ive not been suicidal, but im at the point where its hard to care about anything, its like the only thing i care about is that desire to be female, the only thing i felt i could do was just pretending everything was fine, commonality for me when asked how are you ill just say im ok or fine, its never say i feel great or awesome

Hi LJH!!!


I think that within all people, beyond the primary needs,...food, water, shelter from the elements and companionship... There lies a secondary need... for balance within the self...

Gender dysphoria creates a great imbalance that must be addressed at some point... Sometimes it whispers in our ear for years... Other times it screams at us and demands we give it our full attention... The price for ignoring it is often misery... The prize for listening can be a sense of balance regained or newly found...

Your daughter is fortunate in many ways to be listening now ... For seeking balance now, so relatively early in life... As a parent, we want the best for our child... We want their path to be easy and uncluttered.... Your daughters path will be filled with challenges but through challenge comes many things... Our sense of our ability to navigate our own life... Our knowledge of our true self... Our realization that life is far more than a series of events that happen to us but, rather, what we make it to be...

Your child has come to a point where hiding no longer is acceptable... A point many here have reached... In many ways... Moving forward towards expressing true gender is a deeply spiritual quest... If she has never shown her true face to others... How can she ever feel she is truly loved?... Transition is an attempt to put ourselves at a place in our life from which we can truly, give and receive love...

I know you don't know me... and, I only appear in the form of words on a computer screen... But, I traveled far and through much, to be here now, and say these words to you... All will be well 😀

Let her know she is loved and supported ... Let her move ahead to seek her point of balance with all of this... it will be the beginnings of a foundation, upon which, an amazing, joyful and loving life can be built...

Onward we go!!!

Ashley 😀❤️🌻

Quote
I think that one's life shouldn't be put on hold. Work on transitioning, get a job or attend school. Activity helps by temporarily distracting you from the depression but it doesn't eliminate it. The last I heard, your child wasn't willing to start the transition and if that's still the case, you need to be pushy.

I'm with Dena.  Life goes on and at some point she's going to have to be self sufficient.  College is probably the most tolerant and accepting environment for someone who is gender variant, assuming it's not religion affiliated.  And keeping busy with distractions helps, at least it did me.  Focusing on tests, homework and projects didn't leave as much free time to contemplate my gender issues.

Quote from: KathyLauren on December 29, 2017, 04:46:49 PM
Everybody's dysphoria is different. 

What it was like for me, and I am guessing that it is similar for many other pre-transition trans women, is the inability to be oneself.  I always had to put on an act, not even realizing that it was an act.  I had to pretend to be a guy all the time.  Unlike acting on stage, you don't get scene breaks or intermissions, and you don't get to relax once the show is over.  You have to be "on", in character, 24/7. 

I was always looking over my shoulder, checking to make sure I was playing the part right, because I learned from experience that you get punished if you slip out of character.  The most frustrating part was that there was no rule book, no script, from which I could learn the part.  I had to deduce my role from the reactions of people around me.

It is emotionally and physically draining.  I was mystified that other people seemed to know their roles easily.  How come they got a copy of the script and I didn't?  Initially I assumed that everyone felt like I did, but eventually I started to realize that they had it easier than I did.  So I started to think that there was something wrong with me.  Which added a whole other layer of suffering.

The joy of transitioning is not the feminine body or the pretty clothes, though those things are important to me and to my ability to be myself.  The joy comes from being free from pretending.  I am sure that cis people take this freedom for granted, and may be mystified that it is a cause for joy.  But I feel like I have been paroled after serving 60 years of a life sentence.

Kathy, thank you. You just described my life. And I mean you described me exactly. I knew we were on the same wavelength before, but if I'd had the words, that's precisely the way I would have written my own story. I've described it as putting on my "boy suit" before I reached puberty, and never ever taking it off. The joy and fulfillment of finally just being, as opposed to the shame and anxiety of hiding your true self, is something that someone who has never experienced the mismatch of mind and body simply cannot understand.

Thanks again. Very well done.


- Stephanie

To reiterate, everyone has dysphoria in different areas. For me, the area that bothered me most was my voice. What I heard when I opened my mouth felt so wrong that I developed a condition called selective mutism. I was so anxious that I physically couldn't speak in stressful situations. Obviously, that made going to school pretty much impossible and holding down a job extremely difficult.

Once I started HRT and my voice dropped, my mental health very quickly and drastically improved. People I didn't used to be comfortable talking around commented that I was almost an entirely different person! I went from barely functional and scraping by on a long string of temp jobs to holding down a permanent full-time position in a field I love.

If there's a particular step of transitioning that's obtainable in the short-term and would significantly help with making work or school bearable, I don't think you're being an enabler by helping her reach that goal first. In the meantime, there are options like IOP, an unpaid internship, or volunteering that would still be productive but not screw up her life long-term if it goes horribly wrong in the same way wasted tuition money or a termination would. And doing well in those low-pressure situations could build confidence to return to normal life.

I'll add only a little since so much has been covered.  The wearing of the boy suit is probably the easiest at first but then becomes difficult.  If out socially or going to school or job, you put on the suit, and over time it gets heavier and uglier.  I got to the point where I was good for an hour or two socially, then I had to leave, return home and cry and isolate myself.  I didn't want to face anybody a lot.  It meant I had to put on that suit, the suit that makes me feel awful.  I can empathize with your daughter, I never wanted to talk about it, still don't but it's therapy for me to do so.

I think she needs to feel loved, and be shown she can be herself even slowly.  Sometimes that little bit helps the GD go away and I can cope.

Hugs to you.  I hope for the best.

Bari Jo

There is little I can say, in a general sense, that hasn't already been eloquently said by the folks here. But something is bothering me, reading your first post. Something stands out to me.

Quote from: LJH24 on December 29, 2017, 03:19:34 PM
But when she was in her freshman year of college last year and halfway through the second semester she suddenly quit going to classes.  She would rarely leave her dorm room.

I can't help feeling that the "suddenly" part is important.

When I was around your daughter's age, maybe a little younger, I wound up missing a couple of years of school myself, due to a whole cocktail of factors (including dysphoria) leading to very severe depression. But for me it wasn't sudden. It was a gradual thing. A day here, a couple of days there... as there would be better days than others and sometimes it was tolerable. Sometimes the soul ache would be a dull thud rather than a jagged roar. It only became sudden due to a series of events instigated by others in my peer group. A tipping point which drove me right back into my shell and made me just want to hide away and never face the world again.

Has your daughter hinted at anything like this to you in your discussions? The trouble is that we tend to internalise almost everything that happens to us, because for a lot of people, dealing with dysphoria and the all-pervading sense of wrongness tends to drag our attention inwards. We are constantly searching ourselves, trying to understand. Assimilating everything which happens to us and trying to place it in the framework of how we're feeling. Often unsuccessfully, which just leads to more anguish and confusion.

The upshot of this is the internalisation and self-criticism when an event, or events of an unpleasant nature happen through the efforts of those around us. Bullying, basically. Things said or done by those around us which, being hyper aware and hyper sensitive to begin with, we take like a wrecking ball to the chest. Rather than being resilient enough to get past it, and deal with it appropriately, we blame ourselves. We make it our fault. Tell ourselves that it is happening because of who we are. And it compounds the things we're already feeling to an enormous, sometimes paralysing degree. Having an already lowered sense of self worth and self esteem, we sometimes take it as confirmation of every negative thing we already feel. And that can be a breaking point to some people. One which causes them to literally shut themselves off from the world.

I'm not saying this happened with your daughter, hon. But it's something I'd just like to offer for you to think about, and maybe keep in mind for future conversations.

*big hug*