This is going to be long and rambling.  I'm having a tough time and my mind is bouncing in areas familiar and not well liked.  I'm starting to feel isolation popping up.  Truth be told, it was isolation that was my big problem when I was DIY.  Im still on this break with my family, but of the people here, only out to my dad.  I know he doesn't want me to come out to others during this trip.  That and being referred to in the masculine sense is boxing me.  It's making me want to shrink and hide.  I can't wait for this trip to be over, but now I'm afraid I may have this feeling afterwards too.  I am not comfortable with myself.  Since I'm not moving forward, it feels like I'm back where I started when my GD was running my life.  Maybe this is a hormone thing too?  My doctor asked me to lower Spiro for the second time.  Last time I felt no change, but this time I do, both mentally and physically.  I am not sure it's Spiro related just know I don't feel like the me I was a few weeks ago. I'm hating myself in the mirror more too, and finding myself eating to make me happy.  I've been doing that for a month.  Before when I knew I was moving forward, I could stick with my diet, no longer.  Eef, confused, getting angry and depressed

Bari Jo

Well I don't know the exact circumstances.
But.

You can deal with this by drugs (HRT) you can deal with this by complaining or you can deal with this by number 3

I suggest number 3. 

So how about a journal of Bari Jo on her trip, looking at the whole trip as Bari Jo would? You are the new you, being the girl of your dreams and are on this trip. Let us see it from her perspective.

Cindy salivates at the prospect....tell us all. How you would react, what would you do, what would you say. Have fun relax and post away.

Hey hun,  keep the faith.

I'm sorry you're stuck in male-mode while on your trip,  but it's got a defined end point,  so focus on that. I'd also suggest trying to take a some positives and seek to enjoy these last times being male any way you can.
As for the spiro change,  are you able to contact your doctor and discuss about reversing the reduction if safe to do so?

PM me if you need, I'm here for you sister. X

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Quote from: Cindy on December 30, 2017, 05:28:46 AM
Well I don't know the exact circumstances.
But.

You can deal with this by drugs (HRT) you can deal with this by complaining or you can deal with this by number 3

I suggest number 3.  [emoji23]

So how about a journal of Bari Jo on her trip, looking at the whole trip as Bari Jo would? You are the new you, being the girl of your dreams and are on this trip. Let us see it from her perspective.

Cindy salivates at the prospect....tell us all. How you would react, what would you do, what would you say. Have fun relax and post away.

I vote number 3 too!

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You're not rambling Bari Jo. Reading this breaks my heart because I know how painful it is [emoji17] your character will become stronger from this. It's not easy and will take some time. Just hang in there and wait for these moments to be distant memories. They will be.

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Bari Jo, I don't know what to say but I want to say something supportive ... umm .. SUSPENDERS!

No, I'm not making light. Seriously, please just think about the things that you can do, not what you can't. I assume you enjoy most of your family. Just talk to them AS Bari Jo, don't worry about looks. Looks are not everything. I've known (know) plenty of cis girls  that when relaxed in a friends & family gathering don't look girly at all.

Feel Bari Jo on the inside, it'll show up on the outside.
(Yes, I tell myself this too, WIP )

You mentioned your nails. Don't look at them and wish they were done up, look at them and plan out how you want them when you get home. Build anticipation towards doing it rather than despair (right word?, hmm, ...) at what you don't.

Ok, more coffee now. I'm more insensible after coffee .. umm, yeah .. I think.

Thanks everybody for your support.  I havent felt like this in a long while, longer that I've cried in bed, but I find myself doing that.  I thought of how others deal with this, and suicide actually surfaced in my mind.  I have NEVER had thoughts of that before and it's has really scared me.  I do not think I'm suicidal, so please do not worry.  This is just an uncharted feeling/thought, it feels better to say it rather than bottle it up.

I will try to see things as Bari Jo would, and have conversations like she would for the rest of my trip.  A journal?  Maybe.  I've been meaning to start one.

Bari Jo

In another thread, I likened GD to playing a character in a play, in a role you haven't studied, with no breaks, 24/7 for an extended period of time.  You are in that situation right now.  You say you are not comfortable with yourself, but I think it is the forced role that you are not comfortable with.  That's not you; that's "him".

Hang in there.  Remember that the play does end at some point: you will be able to let the role drop and be back to your real self.  In the meantime, like the others have said, remind yourself who you really are as often and in any way that you can.

Quote from: Bari Jo on December 30, 2017, 07:06:48 AM
Thanks everybody for your support.  I havent felt like this in a long while, longer that I've cried in bed, but I find myself doing that.  I thought of how others deal with this, and suicide actually surfaced in my mind.  I have NEVER had thoughts of that before and it's has really scared me.  I do not think I'm suicidal, so please do not worry.  This is just an uncharted feeling/thought, it feels better to say it rather than bottle it up.

I will try to see things as Bari Jo would, and have conversations like she would for the rest of my trip.  A journal?  Maybe.  I've been meaning to start one.

Bari Jo

Well... Bari jo is sitting in her suite feeling miserable and lonely, missing her fine things. She is garbed in drab while undercover but she has a plan. Striking up her journal she spies ... and thinks Mmm cute ass...  thinks that should be censored where is the cold shower...

That's better, now where was I and the story unfolds...... Why is Bari Jo in drab to begin with, will she escape the clutches of the evil count and if her desires flutter will her eyelashes fly away? Oh and the lipstick. Never forget the lipstick.... where did I put that lipstick as she looks horrified at the ....

KathyLauren, yes, definitely it's the role that is killing me right now.  It's getting light and I'm fighting back tears as people are joining me in the living room.  They are expecting the boy suit even my dad.  Performing in it is emotionally taxing.  I will not come to a family get together as him again.  Typing that makes me feel better.

Bari Jo

Quote from: Bari Jo on December 30, 2017, 08:56:06 AM
KathyLauren, yes, definitely it's the role that is killing me right now.  It's getting light and I'm fighting back tears as people are joining me in the living room.  They are expecting the boy suit even my dad.  Performing in it is emotionally taxing.  I will not come to a family get together as him again.  Typing that makes me feel better.

Bari Jo

Good! You should be any way you're most comfortable

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Bari Jo,

  You know you can PM me anytime you want to talk.  I hate seeing sad posts.  It all gets better with time.  What has worked for me to ease the burden of trying to be 2 separate people, is to realize that those are just 2 parts of the same person.  Family can be stressful when they can't see the real you through their longtime perceptions.  It helped me to find a middle ground between Victoria and Joshua around family.  I speak and interact like Joshua, but with a Victoria twist.  Like as if I grew up a Tomboy...  And the no makeup, guy clothes are nothing more than a lazy day.  Grubbing it up and letting your hair down around the fam.  I use the bandana to tie up my hair in guy mode when I get down in the dumps... I instantly feel better, and it's nothing more than getting my hair out of the way.

  I hope you feel better, and don't hesitate to reach out if you find yourself in the dumps.  We've all been there, and it truly sucks.

Big Hugs!

Victoria

Thank you Victoria, I forget often, so it's good to be reminded.  It's funny, I posted a thread to be contacted if someone is down over the holidays.  I didn't expect it to be me that needed help.  I had it all together beforehand.

Your new picture is great.  I always knew you would be a stunner, and that hair style is so perfect for you.  I think I need to hurry up and get my hairline replaced too, probably that will help with the mirror.

Bari Jo

Quote from: Bari Jo on December 30, 2017, 07:06:48 AM
Thanks everybody for your support.  I havent felt like this in a long while, longer that I've cried in bed, but I find myself doing that.  I thought of how others deal with this, and suicide actually surfaced in my mind.  I have NEVER had thoughts of that before and it's has really scared me.  I do not think I'm suicidal, so please do not worry.  This is just an uncharted feeling/thought, it feels better to say it rather than bottle it up.

I will try to see things as Bari Jo would, and have conversations like she would for the rest of my trip.  A journal?  Maybe.  I've been meaning to start one.

Bari Jo

You are definitely not suicidal. The thought pops up for me occasionally, I wish I would not wake up sometimes. Then I think how much pain I would cause others if I was to seriously consider it. So it's really a non issue. I would never knowingly cause pain to others that was avoidable.

As far as being stuck. I know where you are coming from. And feel for you. It is a feeling I would not wish on others. But it is temporary. You are always moving forward in some way. Sometimes it is the small steps that do not seem like they are even steps that matter the most. There is no rush. Some are moving slower than you and some faster. We move at a pace that is good for us as well as others in our life. It shows what kind of person you are. It shows how important the feelings of people around you matter. The way you feel now shows what kind of person you are and are going to be in the future. And in the end that will make the transformation a more fulfilling one. You are on track for you. Just sit back and enjoy the ride. It can be fun if you let it.

I am always here for you and you have my number. Text me anytime. No matter when it is, I will respond.
Nora


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Quote from: Bari Jo on December 30, 2017, 01:50:38 PM
Thank you Victoria, I forget often, so it's good to be reminded.  It's funny, I posted a thread to be contacted if someone is down over the holidays.  I didn't expect it to be me that needed help.  I had it all together beforehand.

Your new picture is great.  I always knew you would be a stunner, and that hair style is so perfect for you.  I think I need to hurry up and get my hairline replaced too, probably that will help with the mirror.

Bari Jo

I mean it... any time you need someone to talk to. Feel free... I always have time to help a friend.

I look at the hairline as the single best decision I made. It framed my face, gave me a way more youthful appearance, and transition or not... It made me feel a lot better having a full head of it.

Hugs!

Now you listen to me Ms. Jo,

  Get your butt up and get out of my world. There's no room for you here and you are making it too crowded. And when you go you just leave those nasty thoughts and feelings for me. I'm getting used to dealing with them.
  As I said in another thread, You my dear have a lot of good things happen in your life recently dwell on them instead of these not so good  difficult things that you know are coming to an end soon. You can get through this rough spot. I know you can. Coming here and sharing how you feel is one of the ways we can help you so never feel bad about sharing that you feel bad. We are here for you just as you are here for others.

Hugs,
  Laurie

Nora, Victoria, Laurie, thanks for the love and support.  Its weird I have many of your numbers, but I was feeling like I didn't deserve contacting my friends.  I know, I'm being stupid.  It's not rational, emotions typically aren't.  I'm feeling better today.  I had lunch and did some small shopping with just my dad. I was able to talk with him as me.  I didn't mention how down I felt just that the holidays are tough.  What really made me happy though was at one store the cashier was a trans woman.  My dad did not notice and I told him she was.  She did pass well, but I knew the cues that I have to work on and she was hiding hers well, but still had the same.  My dad was surprised but I think the more he sees trans as normal the more supportive he will be.

Anyway, I feel better.  I needed to hear the kind words from you all, my extended family.  Laurie, I will be happy to leave this space for you as quickly as I can.  I'm sorry you are in it too, maybe it can only be a way station for us both.

Bari Jo

You're far more considerate (self aware?) of your venting than I am! I had a rant session with my friends because a guy stopped his conversation to tell me something unnecessary.

I'm a bit wrapped up with hrt emotions lately and after I think it really wasn't even that serious lol

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Quote from: Allison S on December 30, 2017, 06:20:34 PM
You're far more considerate (self aware?) of your venting than I am!

Hi Allison, I havent thought of myself as self aware before, but I think you are right.  I try to analyze my feelings now instead of hiding them or suppressing.  It's helping me deal with who I am far better than I did before.

Thanks for your support along with everybody else, Kathy, Megan, Faith, Cindy and anybody else I may have missed.  You've all received some Karma points getting me out of my funk.  I hope to pay this goodwill forward when I'm able.

Bari Jo

I'm so happy to hear!! It's the same for me. And I agree it's helping! I'm not blocking my emotions.. my silliness and spunk included haha 
We're going into the new year as ourselves already! Going through puberty isn't easy but we can't give up!

Kind of a side story- I read that if girls aren't in their puberty by 15 they should see a doctor. We're no different!! Some of us wait far longer but when we get there we need to transition with hrt for health and longevity!

Society and people around us can tell us we're different than natal born women because of our genitilia but we're not. We're just far more complex

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