I'd done it sooner in life, ive kinda known or atleast questioned that i was Trans since i was a Teen, but my living situation wasnt the greatest, and always kinda feared it so i never didnt with it or anything and just let it fester inside, now im 31 years old, a complete anxious/depressed mess, no friends i felt like because of what i felt i couldnt let anyone get too close to me, Even if ive been intimate with anyone, ive never let anyone else know, its always been a secret, and the person i was being intimate with didnt even know i was suffering internally,

Ive just always felt soo afraid to come out and explore it, maybe even a little ashamed of myself for feeling this way? and yet i cant help this need to be a girl it just wont go away, i hoped it would and it does for awhile but things happen that bring it back and its always worse when it does come back

The Idea of sex/getting completely intimate with someone else has always felt terrible awkward and strange to me, i just never do it

i feel like im at the point in my life where i need to do something about it, but im ->-bleeped-<- scared to do anything however, i have found a gender therapist/sexologist that im going to see in the new year,  otherwise i feel like ill always be alone/lonely

I didnt know exactly where to put this, but felt like this was the best place since i havent Transitioned but have always felt that maybe i was transgendered

Hi Christy,

i know exactly how you feel. What you described is pretty much my life.
I've been hiding and neglecting what i felt inside for so long but it's not working.
Like you i want to see a therapist next year but don't have an appointment yet.
It's hard to find someone actually.

I am still afraid that if i do something about it i'll loose the few friends that i have including my brother and my dad.
My mom is ok with it. I've told her a month ago and she's supportive. She's very open minded and loving so it was no big deal. But the rest of my family i'm unsure about and i don't really have anybody else. I am so afraid of the future but i can't stand my life as it is now either. I know if i keep neglecting this i'll kill myself some day.

Anyway i just wanted to let you know that there are a lot of people that have the same problems and fears.
So we are never totally alone with our depression and anxiety. Writing it down here does help as well.
These things are what keeps me going at the moment.

Be strong and find your true self!

Nina

Christy, it's okay. *hugs*

And it's okay to be scared. It is. Change can often be scary. The bigger the change, the scarier it can be.

You don't have to explain it, or justify anything, sweetie. What matters is the here and now. You have the power inside you to affect change. To be who you want to be. To live the rest of your life with no regrets, okay?

Take it one step at a time. Don't look at the mountaintop, but the next step on the path you want to take to get there. And you will get there. Look how far you've already come. Believe it or not, a lot of people don't reach this point until much later on in life. For whatever reason. You've taken some of the hardest steps already.

You're doing great, Christy. You are. You don't have to be sorry for anything, or explain anything. Just embrace how you feel, okay? And take the next step that you want to take. Look forward, sweetie. Not backwards. One you cannot change, the other you can.

I believe in you *extra big hug* It's okay to be scared. But you're not alone. There are a lot of people willing to help you with, and through whatever you need. You don't have to go through any of this alone.

Quote from: Nanina on December 26, 2017, 05:35:46 PM
Hi Christy,

i know exactly how you feel. What you described is pretty much my life.
I've been hiding and neglecting what i felt inside for so long but it's not working.
Like you i want to see a therapist next year but don't have an appointment yet.
It's hard to find someone actually.

I am still afraid that if i do something about it i'll loose the few friends that i have including my brother and my dad.
My mom is ok with it. I've told her a month ago and she's supportive. She's very open minded and loving so it was no big deal. But the rest of my family i'm unsure about and i don't really have anybody else. I am so afraid of the future but i can't stand my life as it is now either. I know if i keep neglecting this i'll kill myself some day.

Anyway i just wanted to let you know that there are a lot of people that have the same problems and fears.
So we are never totally alone with our depression and anxiety. Writing it down here does help as well.
These things are what keeps me going at the moment.

Be strong and find your true self!

Nina

Thanks for the kind words is nice to here it, you get so wrapped up in your own mind with this sh!t

I havent come to anyone, except myself in a mirror, which was huge to hear myself say it when id been denying it for so long, but not ready to tell anyone yet

I did however find a gender therapist quite easily in my location, and she is actually not too far away from me either which is another great thing now all i need to do is find the courage to do something about it....

Christy, just know you are not alone in this!!!! We all have felt this and hid our feelings from others. Intimacy yes does involve being comfortable in your own skin and with who you are but, you can't be open when there is a whole side of yourself that you don't share. Society does shame us into hiding for a while and we should not be shamed of our feelings and who we are. Just be open to yourself and the process you are going to go on!!!!

Quote from: Sephirah on December 26, 2017, 05:45:06 PM
Christy, it's okay. *hugs*

And it's okay to be scared. It is. Change can often be scary. The bigger the change, the scarier it can be.

You don't have to explain it, or justify anything, sweetie. What matters is the here and now. You have the power inside you to affect change. To be who you want to be. To live the rest of your life with no regrets, okay?

Take it one step at a time. Don't look at the mountaintop, but the next step on the path you want to take to get there. And you will get there. Look how far you've already come. Believe it or not, a lot of people don't reach this point until much later on in life. For whatever reason. You've taken some of the hardest steps already.

You're doing great, Christy. You are. You don't have to be sorry for anything, or explain anything. Just embrace how you feel, okay? And take the next step that you want to take. Look forward, sweetie. Not backwards. One you cannot change, the other you can.

I believe in you *extra big hug* It's okay to be scared. But you're not alone. There are a lot of people willing to help you with, and through whatever you need. You don't have to go through any of this alone.

Thank you for the kind words

Thing is, i have been here before, in this same position twice, and both times i felt the stigma of being transgendered, didnt want to be labeled like that i guess and as i was going through some really rough times i felt like i didnt want to add to that pressure, i never felt free to truly explore it either, even just dressing as a woman it felt right but also kind of wrong for me

ya know ive even been on this site a couple of times before, under a different user name, questioning the whole thing, ultimately ive managed to lock it all in a room in my mind until sometimes i just cant take it anymore, the constant nagging voice, if i was female that wouldnt happen or maybe i should have been born female, i either wish i was born cis female, or just not born with disphoria, then i wonder if i was born cis female would still have disphoria about that? (ie want to be a guy).......  etc, and on the other side of that theres like this other voice that says, no your not transgendered thats not right, you dont want to be labaled as such its too hard, and this voice has often won over the years, but the nagging just wont go away, and the awkwardness of it all.... ugh

I do tend to look at the mountaintop side of things, im just like that i guess.. i just worry how others perception of me will change i guess, i dont have that many people in my life to begin with, its only really my mum that i care about everyone else be damned but again i dont know if im ready, but im going to see a gender therapist/sexologist at the start of next year, to talk it out with her

Quote from: Jailyn on December 26, 2017, 07:12:03 PM
Christy, just know you are not alone in this!!!! We all have felt this and hid our feelings from others. Intimacy yes does involve being comfortable in your own skin and with who you are but, you can't be open when there is a whole side of yourself that you don't share. Society does shame us into hiding for a while and we should not be shamed of our feelings and who we are. Just be open to yourself and the process you are going to go on!!!!

I dont think its just society shaming me, i think i also shame myself on this matter too for feeling such things

Quote from: Christy Lee on December 27, 2017, 03:49:04 PM
Thank you for the kind words

Thing is, i have been here before, in this same position twice, and both times i felt the stigma of being transgendered, didnt want to be labeled like that i guess and as i was going through some really rough times i felt like i didnt want to add to that pressure, i never felt free to truly explore it either, even just dressing as a woman it felt right but also kind of wrong for me

ya know ive even been on this site a couple of times before, under a different user name, questioning the whole thing, ultimately ive managed to lock it all in a room in my mind until sometimes i just cant take it anymore, the constant nagging voice, if i was female that wouldnt happen or maybe i should have been born female, i either wish i was born cis female, or just not born with disphoria, then i wonder if i was born cis female would still have disphoria about that? (ie want to be a guy).......  etc, and on the other side of that theres like this other voice that says, no your not transgendered thats not right, you dont want to be labaled as such its too hard, and this voice has often won over the years, but the nagging just wont go away, and the awkwardness of it all.... ugh

I do tend to look at the mountaintop side of things, im just like that i guess.. i just worry how others perception of me will change i guess, i dont have that many people in my life to begin with, its only really my mum that i care about everyone else be damned but again i dont know if im ready, but im going to see a gender therapist/sexologist at the start of next year, to talk it out with her

Just try and take it one step at a time, hon. For now focus on talking to someone about it. That's a forward step. And forward steps are always good.

Some folks go through these steps multiple times in their lives before they pursue a course of action. If it were easy and straightforward then this site probably wouldn't exist. You're ready when you're ready. For whatever you feel is right. And only you will know when that is. That's okay.

Keep going, okay? You're doing great. *hugs*

Quote from: Christy Lee on December 26, 2017, 05:45:57 PM
I havent come to anyone, except myself in a mirror

That, right there, coming out to yourself, is the first step and it's a big one!  So, congratulations for getting that far!  I was in much the same situation as you are for most of my life.  It took me until I was 61 before I could admit the truth to myself.

It's okay.  This is a major life journey.  It looks scary at the beginning, but, as Sephirah says, take it one step at a time.  You have an appointment with a gender therapist.  That is another big step.  It gets easier the more steps you take.  Just keep on doing what you need to do each day, and you'll get to where you want to be, whatever your destination is.

Quote from: Sephirah on December 28, 2017, 02:55:50 PM
Just try and take it one step at a time, hon. For now focus on talking to someone about it. That's a forward step. And forward steps are always good.

Some folks go through these steps multiple times in their lives before they pursue a course of action. If it were easy and straightforward then this site probably wouldn't exist. You're ready when you're ready. For whatever you feel is right. And only you will know when that is. That's okay.

Keep going, okay? You're doing great. *hugs*

Thanks Again , sorry for the late reply havent known quite what to say

I think im the most ready then i ever have been, i feel like im ready to talk to a psychologist/gender therapist about everything not just abit of this and abit of that, but idk if im ready to tell mum yet, shes the only person i have in my life that i care about

I feel like im getting sick of the same nagging feelings, and the same confusion all over again and again and again, i wanna live again ya know? but i feel like i need to do that as the true me or it wont happen and i wont ever be truly happy

Quote from: KathyLauren on December 28, 2017, 03:43:02 PM
That, right there, coming out to yourself, is the first step and it's a big one!  So, congratulations for getting that far!  I was in much the same situation as you are for most of my life.  It took me until I was 61 before I could admit the truth to myself.

It's okay.  This is a major life journey.  It looks scary at the beginning, but, as Sephirah says, take it one step at a time.  You have an appointment with a gender therapist.  That is another big step.  It gets easier the more steps you take.  Just keep on doing what you need to do each day, and you'll get to where you want to be, whatever your destination is.

Thank you, even tho i have known for awhile, it still feels Surreal, like im making it up or something or like you cant be trans perhaps still in abit of denial?.. idk  but i mostly know yes i am trans

Hi Christy Lee, my name is Moni. A few years ago I was so very much thinking the things you are today. I denied, distracted all I could and yet I could not escape the feeling that I needed to be a woman. I was outwardly successful as a guy, complete with family and yet I had intimacy issues. I think I felt like I was standing on the side of a pool needing to jump into water that was way too cold. "Let me do this thing I really want to do"... and yet I couldn't bring myself to jump into that water. I think we have the old male persona that although it isn't comfortable, it is safe. There is a feeling that, "I am talking about creating a whole new reality and blowing up this safe thing. What if it doesn't work? I could be stuck with no place to go." My gosh it was scary and I am sure you are scared now. I finally got to a point that I couldn't take it anymore. I had run out of ability to run from myself. I went to my doctor and told him. I was terrified, shaking. He was okay, supportive. I told my electrolysis person. She was happy for me and gave me a big hug. "Congratulations," she said. I was like, "You are happy for me?" I couldn't believe it. I had built it up in my little, safe place mind that everyone would hate me, run from me. I have lost track now but I am out to about 300 people, losing only 2 people. It included getting a standing ovation when I told work. I was lucky. Not everyone is quite so lucky. The point is, you will find supportive people. They are out there if you decide to go forward. If you are to step away from the misery of dysphoria, you have to take that first step. You have to fight the fear. No, that is wrong. You have to take action even though the fear is there. It will never be gone, so you have to act even though you are afraid. Giving into the fear will only cause you to get more and more anxious. That is  not a happy place to be. I can only give you one piece of advice. Face this thing. Figure out what it means in your life. These feelings will never go away and likely will only get stronger. Grab for your chance to be happy. Don't settle for a life of low grade misery. I can't imagine how awful it would be now if I had never taken that first step. Life  as my true self is better than I could have ever imagined. I wish you luck Hon!
Monica

Quote from: HappyMoni on December 30, 2017, 02:24:52 PM
Hi Christy Lee, my name is Moni. A few years ago I was so very much thinking the things you are today. I denied, distracted all I could and yet I could not escape the feeling that I needed to be a woman. I was outwardly successful as a guy, complete with family and yet I had intimacy issues. I think I felt like I was standing on the side of a pool needing to jump into water that was way too cold. "Let me do this thing I really want to do"... and yet I couldn't bring myself to jump into that water. I think we have the old male persona that although it isn't comfortable, it is safe. There is a feeling that, "I am talking about creating a whole new reality and blowing up this safe thing. What if it doesn't work? I could be stuck with no place to go." My gosh it was scary and I am sure you are scared now. I finally got to a point that I couldn't take it anymore. I had run out of ability to run from myself. I went to my doctor and told him. I was terrified, shaking. He was okay, supportive. I told my electrolysis person. She was happy for me and gave me a big hug. "Congratulations," she said. I was like, "You are happy for me?" I couldn't believe it. I had built it up in my little, safe place mind that everyone would hate me, run from me. I have lost track now but I am out to about 300 people, losing only 2 people. It included getting a standing ovation when I told work. I was lucky. Not everyone is quite so lucky. The point is, you will find supportive people. They are out there if you decide to go forward. If you are to step away from the misery of dysphoria, you have to take that first step. You have to fight the fear. No, that is wrong. You have to take action even though the fear is there. It will never be gone, so you have to act even though you are afraid. Giving into the fear will only cause you to get more and more anxious. That is  not a happy place to be. I can only give you one piece of advice. Face this thing. Figure out what it means in your life. These feelings will never go away and likely will only get stronger. Grab for your chance to be happy. Don't settle for a life of low grade misery. I can't imagine how awful it would be now if I had never taken that first step. Life  as my true self is better than I could have ever imagined. I wish you luck Hon!
Monica

Hi Moni and thanks , to me it never felt like i was running from it , it like felt like  i was always hiding from it, and now that has seeped through into other aspects of my life, just feel like at this moment im hiding from everything, not wanting to feel those feelings

IM not very successful as a guy, still at home and unemployed, no family, no friends really, again theres that aspect of wanting to hide... people i think can feel this from me, and its why ive always had trouble in building or just keeping relationships...

Ive always hated the idea of being a man, being a husband, being a father

To me, i think of it more like The matrix, ie your real physical self outside of the Matrix was born female (or male for ftms),  but somehow the coding went wrong and you got the wrong gender in the Matrix thats why everything feels weird

Fear is what has stopped me up until this point this is true, i always felt like my boy life isnt so bad (it wasnt great but still), i can manage with this.... but now it feels like theres this barrier i need to overcome, to move past some other bad sh!t that has happened in my life, or ill never be truly happy, and ill always be alone

Im atleast going to try and chat about it next year, as ive  found a gender therapist/psychologist for grief and depression so im just going to talk about everything with her and see where that leads

Christy,
   I like the Matrix analogy. You know, we can't do anything about our yesterday's, they are done. I have definitely become a firm believer in taking positive steps. I am not always good at it, but I know in my experience that it really is the only way to move off a spot we are unhappy with. You seeing a therapist is certainly a positive step. Perhaps it can be the start of a plan to move forward in a way you really want to. Maybe, it is a start of building a new you that makes you happy. It takes work and is  hard to face old demons, but the payoff can be big. I am pulling for you. 
Moni

Quote from: HappyMoni on December 30, 2017, 07:45:54 PM
Christy,
   I like the Matrix analogy. You know, we can't do anything about our yesterday's, they are done. I have definitely become a firm believer in taking positive steps. I am not always good at it, but I know in my experience that it really is the only way to move off a spot we are unhappy with. You seeing a therapist is certainly a positive step. Perhaps it can be the start of a plan to move forward in a way you really want to. Maybe, it is a start of building a new you that makes you happy. It takes work and is  hard to face old demons, but the payoff can be big. I am pulling for you. 
Moni

Its actually kinda funny both watchowskis are now living as women huh? even before i knew of them being Transgendered, i liked that analogy

Wait, I just had deja vu, quick get to a land line. "Tank, are you there?"
Moni

Christy!!! I totally know where you come from! I'm the same age as you. I feel like I really need to transition, yet having messed up my mental state sooooo much by stuffing this feelings away for so long, that I don't have the required strength anymore! Even my GP who know me since over a 15+ and has a ot of experience in trans healthcare says I would 100% be approved to medically transition, but when I mention how scared and depressed I am he can't really recommend me to take action 'cause he would be afraid for my sanity, and he IS completly right. I'm feeling like I ruined my own life. 

@ Christy Lee:  As shown by the replies you are not alone in lamenting that you didn't transition when you first had the thought ....when you were younger things would have been easier, the transition and body changes more complete, etc.  I look back and wish that I did not hesitate for as long as I did.
One can not change the past, we are only in some control of our future... do not lament what could have been, instead look forward to what will it will be.

Transition is such a hard process for a lot of us; and there is only one pace; your own! You make all of the decisions, and take the steps when you are ready, and don't be afraid to take a step back, or stop where you are until you are ready to proceed. Best wishes 😊

@ Kitchentablepotpourri:   A great reply, you are so very correct with what you stated.   The control of our transition decisions are our own.