Hello everyone.
I saw my therapist yesterday, and she felt I was ready to be referred for HRT. Good news, but it's filling me with a mix of unwelcome emotions. I know I'll never pass, and I can accept that I could live stealth, but even stealth makes me squirm because I just can't imagine it. The thought of transitioning with HRT excites me greatly - I'm sure it's the woman inside who longs for this - but the old male-me seems to be throwing up obstacles as I get closer. So today I feel stuck
I also went out for errands this morning and felt significant gender dysphoria.

Any input would be appreciated.

Thanks!
Lindy

 You cannot really go for HRT and be in a closet for long time. So, either you put on your best dress, apply some day makeup and go out of your house to do errands (thanks god it's Friday), or take more time thinking through things before you start HRT.


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Old male me kicked up a fuss when it came time to lop off the family jewels. 

It's natural to think this way, it shows that your mind uses a system of checks and balances. Take your time with your decisions.

Hugs, Devlyn

Very familiar. Just recently got my referral to endocrinologist. I was so anxious my blood pressure was 30 points higher than normal. I know this is what I need, but the little bit of my past reasoning that remains is in conflict with the way I feel now. Somehow I ended up talking my lips off for 10 minutes after I came out to my  physician. (Btw she is as cool as a Dr can be!) We all fear change to some degree, it's a part of being human after all. I was even worried that my doctor wanted nothing to do with me after I told her. But I'm glad I did, I'm a lot more at ease now.

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Quote from: Sarahthenerd on January 05, 2018, 01:40:08 PM

Btw she is as cool as a Dr can be!

Um...what?  Oh...

I assumed you were talking about me.

Quote from: elkie-t on January 05, 2018, 12:51:59 PM
You cannot really go for HRT and be in a closet for long time.

Actually you can. I've been on HRT for over 9 years now. I don't think its generally a very good idea though.

Quote from: rmaddy on January 05, 2018, 01:43:35 PM
Um...what?  Oh...

I assumed you were talking about me.

The similarities are striking. Your not alone. I've been plagued with sever anxiety since childhood. Every time I take a step closer it is there, it has eased some every time I go out or talk about it. I'm not sure if it is because I'm getting used to coming out, or just solving some cognitive dissonance.

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Hi Lindy, I think the thoughts you are having seem normal.  Change can be scary and you'll have these obstacles come up from time to time.  You might think things are progressing smoothly later on and one of these stupid thoughts get in the way.  I had a history of letting these thoughts take over and I quit transitioning a couple times. The thoughts are temporary and you'll eventually get through them, I did.   Eventually I always came back onto the transitioning bus. This time, I'm on pellets, so if I do have those thoughts, I can't just stop taking the pills and quit.  I'm making sure there are no pauses anymore.

Bari Jo

Quote from: Lindy on January 05, 2018, 12:44:27 PM
Hello everyone.
I saw my therapist yesterday, and she felt I was ready to be referred for HRT. Good news, but it's filling me with a mix of unwelcome emotions. I know I'll never pass, and I can accept that I could live stealth, but even stealth makes me squirm because I just can't imagine it. The thought of transitioning with HRT excites me greatly - I'm sure it's the woman inside who longs for this - but the old male-me seems to be throwing up obstacles as I get closer. So today I feel stuck
I also went out for errands this morning and felt significant gender dysphoria.

Any input would be appreciated.

Thanks!
Lindy

Lindy!!!

All will be well dear sister!!!! ... You are finding yourself dealing with a lot of issues and that is exactly where you are supposed to be at this point in the journey... much of the process of transitioning a life is the internal, not the external side of things and the working through of all these thoughts and feelings is a huge part of it... 

I would advise you to go slow... find what feels right as far as a perspective that serves you well and don't carry the heavy weight of fears and negative thoughts about what the future may hold for long... I'm glad you recognize that some of the obstacles before you are of your own making for there is power in that!!!...  in relation to what you wrote above... please remain open to the possibility that there may be far more value in living and expressing the truth of who you are at your core ...than the level of passing that you may, or may not, achieve at some point...


Excuse me here if I copy and paste from some thoughts I shared here on the forum recently but I think they fit well with some of what you are dealing with right now!...


I am planning on writing extensively on the subject of "passing" in the near future... Not "how to" stuff but, rather, our perspectives on it and the weight we give it in relation to our overall happiness and satisfaction during and post transition... I have seen so much anguish and suffering over the years that is unneeded, caused when passing becomes the focus above all else...

There are perspectives to all things dear sister!...You seem to be attaching a lot of fears right now to this part of the process and I would like you to read these thoughts on the role of fear in all this... There may be some new perspectives you haven't yet considered

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,230730.0.html

Most of us go into the process of transition hoping and believing we will come to a point where most of the people we encounter will see us as female... it is a fine goal that most of us share

Passing to some, means 100% of the people we encounter will see us as a cis-woman 100% of the time... That is a very high bar indeed and often a recipe for misery if you s,ee that as your only chance for happiness... Most of us have shortfalls of one kind or another that make hitting that mark difficult but, we find during the process, that we are happy, satisfied and complete without hitting that high bar!

My definition of passing has come to mean... That most people I encounter see me as female... The cis-female part matters not... Although this is my definition of it... The weight that I assign passing, to my overall level of happiness is far less than I had originally envisioned.... For the most part I have thrown it out the window and there is liberation and freedom in that for me...

We can never control how other see us and trying to is a losing game... One hole in our presentation can be the source of utter misery to us, or...it can be just what it is... Something about ourself we would like to be a little different than it is and nothing more...

The place I am at now, in my mind, may be quite different from where many chose to be and want for themselves but, at this point... If people I encounter see me as a cis-woman...Great!...
( but I won't lie to achieve that).... If they see me as a female transwoman ( my truth)... Great!!!!.... And, If they see me as a pathetic middle aged, surgically mutilated man in women's clothes... Not quite as great but nothing I can't deal with because my happiness and sense of self is mine... I do not give the power to control those things to them...

All good things to you Lindy as you explore the road ahead!!!

Onward we go brave sister!!!!


Ashley 🌻

Quote from: tgirlamc on January 05, 2018, 04:11:52 PM
Lindy!!!

All will be well dear sister!!!! ... You are finding yourself dealing with a lot of issues and that is exactly where you are supposed to be at this point in the journey... much of the process of transitioning a life is the internal, not the external side of things and the working through of all these thoughts and feelings is a huge part of it... 

I would advise you to go slow... find what feels right as far as a perspective that serves you well and don't carry the heavy weight of fears and negative thoughts about what the future may hold for long... I'm glad you recognize that some of the obstacles before you are of your own making for there is power in that!!!...  in relation to what you wrote above... please stay open to the possibility that there may be far more value in living and expressing the truth of who you are at your core than the level of passing that you may or may not achieve at some point...


Excuse me here if I copy and paste from some thoughts I shared here on the forum recently but I think the fit well with where you are at right now...

All good things to you Lindy as you explore the road ahead!!!

Onward we go brave sister!!!!


Ashley 🌻

Gosh, so much good stuff here! Thank you, Ashley, for taking the time to share it. I took a moment to read it all before I sign off for the night and found it very very helpful. And I'll review it again tomorrow. Passing seems like such a slippery fish but I'm seeing it doesn't have to be. Self-acceptance is the key, wherever we might land on the continuum. That's my goal, not looking like the cis women I see in my fashion magazines. (They can be such a curse, those magazines!)

Thanks for sharing your hard-earned wisdom

Lindy

Quote from: Lindy on January 05, 2018, 04:53:00 PM
Gosh, so much good stuff here! Thank you, Ashley, for taking the time to share it. I took a moment to read it all before I sign off for the night and found it very very helpful. And I'll review it again tomorrow. Passing seems like such a slippery fish but I'm seeing it doesn't have to be. Self-acceptance is the key, wherever we might land on the continuum. That's my goal, not looking like the cis women I see in my fashion magazines. (They can be such a curse, those magazines!)

Thanks for sharing your hard-earned wisdom

Lindy

Lindy...

Your wisdom is shining through as well Sister...

"Passing seems like such a slippery fish but I'm seeing it doesn't have to be. Self-acceptance is the key,"

You're clarity of vision in the sentence above demonstrates a perspective that will serve you well in making your choices work my dear sister!!!


Self acceptance is at the heart of our journey and is the difference in every way between an amazing life of joyful discoveries and a decent into misery.... I choose the joyful life....

Onward we go brave sister!!!

Hugs!!!

A 😀❤️🌻

Quote from: AnonyMs on January 05, 2018, 01:53:00 PM
Actually you can. I've been on HRT for over 9 years now. I don't think its generally a very good idea though.

I still haven't transitioned socially and won't be until later this year. There's no rush, and I didn't start having the occasional 'male fail' until the past 6 months. HRT doesn't transform you overnight, you can take your time.

I do think 9 years is a bit much though.

I try not to stress too much about "passing."

Society and especially mass media places unrealistic expectations for a woman's appearance. So much so that many cis-women feel a lot of anxiety over it. Millions of dollars are made selling products to women of all kinds to help them feel like they look more feminine.

The reality is that people come in all shapes and sizes. When I look around me I see women with square jaws and chins, like me. I see tall thin women with practically no hips, like me. I see women with big hands, like me.

My point is that we can't all be models. If I'm destined to be a rather homely old woman, then so be it.

I'm going through this a lot right now. I do worry about passing but mine is more job related. I'm in the the school system but not a teacher yet. That's what I've always wanted to do along with coaching. I see all the issues that trans teachers face and it leaves me all kinds of worried. It's all I've ever wanted to do and the fact that I'm good at it as a male doesn't help my thoughts either. I'm kinda thinking how much I will miss teaching/coaching because I don't think it will be smart to go into but I can't even begin to start to pick another career.


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Quote from: Thea on January 05, 2018, 06:34:58 PM
I try not to stress too much about "passing."

Society and especially mass media places unrealistic expectations for a woman's appearance. So much so that many cis-women feel a lot of anxiety over it. Millions of dollars are made selling products to women of all kinds to help them feel like they look more feminine.

The reality is that people come in all shapes and sizes. When I look around me I see women with square jaws and chins, like me. I see tall thin women with practically no hips, like me. I see women with big hands, like me.

My point is that we can't all be models. If I'm destined to be a rather homely old woman, then so be it.

Thea! ...My wise and gorgeous sister!

Self Acceptance!!!

I suspect that, like me, you came at this particular aspect of transition from more than one perspective over time before finding the place where you are now...arriving here often involves traveling a rough road but, I don't think it has to be so...In hindsight, I can see how close the answers really were in the dark times when I struggled....

My hope is that all the women who read this can find their way here on a smooth path because...This is a place of liberation and freedom... Self acceptance is the point from which the true magic in our transition begins!...

Onward we go brave sisters!!!

Ashley 😀❤️🌻

Quote from: Cheaney on January 05, 2018, 07:53:00 PM
I'm going through this a lot right now. I do worry about passing but mine is more job related. I'm in the the school system but not a teacher yet. That's what I've always wanted to do along with coaching. I see all the issues that trans teachers face and it leaves me all kinds of worried. It's all I've ever wanted to do and the fact that I'm good at it as a male doesn't help my thoughts either. I'm kinda thinking how much I will miss teaching/coaching because I don't think it will be smart to go into but I can't even begin to start to pick another career.


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Cheaney!!! My Dear Sister...

I'm so sorry that you are having worries but, if they are indeed, worries solely attached to employment, I have great faith you will find a path forward that works for you.... I can understand that a job in teaching/coaching could be a hard road and I fully understand we must pick our battles... If you look at that door as being closed to you, for whatever reason, please keep in mind that there are an infinite number of doors that will be yours to walk through....

There are so many aspects to making transition work... It touches every aspect of our life to some degree or another and our employment can be a huge piece of the puzzle

Please don't hesitate to let me know If I can ever be of help along your road ahead!!!

Onward we go brave sister!!!

Ashley 😀❤️🌻

Quote from: Lindy on January 05, 2018, 12:44:27 PM
Hello everyone.
I saw my therapist yesterday, and she felt I was ready to be referred for HRT. Good news, but it's filling me with a mix of unwelcome emotions. I know I'll never pass, and I can accept that I could live stealth, but even stealth makes me squirm because I just can't imagine it. The thought of transitioning with HRT excites me greatly - I'm sure it's the woman inside who longs for this - but the old male-me seems to be throwing up obstacles as I get closer. So today I feel stuck
I also went out for errands this morning and felt significant gender dysphoria.

Any input would be appreciated.

Thanks!
Lindy

It's easy to look back in hindsight and start with woulda ,coulda, shoulda. But we don't have control of those days. We can only look to the future and make it better. I dress for support group and therapy and time to time I go to see Nanci for electrolysis. If I lived downtown I could see me out and about more often especially in Capital Hill. What exactly is passing? I'll never be 20 again and that is when I may have passed. But today I just want to be accepted for who I am. A stress free human being.

Quote from: Devlyn Marie on January 05, 2018, 12:52:39 PM
Old male me kicked up a fuss when it came time to lop off the family jewels. 

It's natural to think this way, it shows that your mind uses a system of checks and balances. Take your time with your decisions.

Hugs, Devlyn

Old male me went through the snipping 27 years ago after the birth of my daughter. Not the one where you put em in a leather sack and hang from the trailer hitch. Just snipped the tubes.

Quote from: Lindy on January 05, 2018, 12:44:27 PM
Hello everyone.
I saw my therapist yesterday, and she felt I was ready to be referred for HRT. Good news, but it's filling me with a mix of unwelcome emotions. I know I'll never pass, and I can accept that I could live stealth, but even stealth makes me squirm because I just can't imagine it. The thought of transitioning with HRT excites me greatly - I'm sure it's the woman inside who longs for this - but the old male-me seems to be throwing up obstacles as I get closer. So today I feel stuck
I also went out for errands this morning and felt significant gender dysphoria.

Any input would be appreciated.

Thanks!
Lindy

Hi Lindy,

I suspect I'm somewhat qualified to offer input. I say this because I am of the opinion I'll never "pass", my mind has messed with me at times, and I'm living life 100% presenting as female and as feminine as possible.

I'm over 50, 6'-3", and with a voice slightly less deep than Darth Vader... oh and my nose is larger than any CIS woman's nose I ever recall seeing. However I have a thin build and I'm told—by a fairly wide audience— that I have a great smile.

I began my transition after I was diagnosed with cancer—I'm cancer free now—because I had a period of contemplating my own mortality. I had the opportunity to consider how I would choose to live if the number of days left were very finite.

I began by wearing skirts and dresses and my daughters helped me with makeup. Within 3 months of beginning to present as a woman, I initiated my transition. I started HRT 15 months ago. I began presenting in makeup at work around the same time.

I live in Northern California so 95% of people who live here have zero hostility toward people who are different. I like to think I would have made the same choices had I lived in a conservative region of the US, but... IDK. I was born and grew up in Texas. I knew people there who want to hurt people who are different from them. But that was a long time ago and things are probably very different now. So my concerns may be age based.

I came out formally at work a couple of months ago. It was kind of a formality though. I asked everyone to use female pronouns and to address me as Ricki instead of Rick. I am protected from discrimination by my employer's code of business conduct. My coworkers were chill before my formal request and are still. The pronouns are the toughest thing to change after 10 years of he/him, she/her doesn't just roll of the minds of my peers. I remind them if they slip up but in a light hearted way and with a big smile.

Coming out to family was easy except for Mom and Dad. Everyone has been very supportive. The parents response is still in flux. But I see it as their issue now. I'm just being honest, authentic and I'm doing what I need to do to be healthy, happy and helpful.

So that's some of my story. Please take my experience in context with everyone else's thoughts, opinions and stories and develop your own story. My "boy mind" was—for me—simply fear. I'm sure there are a lot of resources to overcome fear. For me it was "believing" I might die within a few months or years and it made for some unambiguous choices on my part.

The woman inside me would have never given up her quest to be seen and heard. The longer I kept her hidden, the more she disrupted my status quo. I guess I finally stopped fighting within myself. It began with "I am definitely not a male" and now I'm getting to "I am definitely a woman" and it's okay that most of the CIS public can't see it. Even when I'm in a cute dress and heels, they may see a guy, but if they look a little closer they'll see me. I'm living my life happily because I'm now living it for my own well-being. Then I'll be able to help others live their lives more happily.

You'll know what's right for you if you're honest with yourself. Your not alone.


Practice self-love and shine brightly... Ricki

Quote from: T.Rickie on January 06, 2018, 12:27:28 AM

Even when I'm in a cute dress and heels, they may see a guy, but if they look a little closer they'll see me. I'm living my life happily because I'm now living it for my own well-being. Then I'll be able to help others live their lives more happily.

You'll know what's right for you if you're honest with yourself. Your not alone.

Practice self-love and shine brightly... Ricki

Ricki, thanks for sharing your very touching story. It brought tears to my eyes. I saved this final bit because it really spoke to me this morning. (We seem to have the same bodies!) I've had cancer treatment too, and I'm so glad you were able to make it through to live the life that seems to make you so happy. I know this is waiting for me too. I just know it. If I had a magic wand, I'd drop myself two months into the future. By that time I would have been on HRT 60 days and I'd be working to create a new life for myself. It would be Lindy's life, the one she deserves after waiting so long.

So I'll practice my self-love and welcome what feels inevitable.

Big hugs,

Lindy