Hello and thanks for reading this.
I am titling this a re-introduction because I joined Susan's Place almost 2 years ago all excited to be starting what I thought was my transition to match with the gender I identify with, Female.
I introduced myself at that time and made a number of posts. I had started HRT and was excited about it. But then those self doubts began again, I got scared and quit the hormones and went back to my "normal" male life. (normal....Yea right
Now I have began taking HRT and with the re-start of hormones I thought it was time to visit Susan's Place and become part of the community...so my re-introduction.
I'm not sure if you can read my old posts so to give you a better sense of me I have included my original introduction with a few minor edits.
Hugs
Diane
PS thanks again Ashley for the lovely message
Yes, where to start? I guess information about my journey to this point would be a good way.
As many others I started dressing up even before I began going to school. I was probably 5 years old when I first went into my mother's closet and put on a pair of her high heels. Even after all these years I still remember those wonderful shoes. They were navy blue peep toe pumps. Soon after that I started wearing her dresses too. My mother was a nurse who worked the night shift. I think all she wanted to do was sleep, so if playing in her closet keep me occupied so she could sleep she never told me to stop playing dress up.
Even though my mother never said I must stop dressing in her dresses and shoes, as I got a little older, for what ever reason, I felt what I was doing was wrong. I started hiding when I dressed up. However, my enjoyment of dressing up did not lessen but in fact expanded so that by the time I was in junior high I was fully experiencing the fun of making myself into a girl, with makeup, my mothers wig and my sisters clothes. And I wanted others to see me as a girl.
When I was about 12 one day I dressed up and went for a walk around the neighborhood. While I knew a neighbor might see me leaving the house, it seemed I didn't really care. Who knows maybe I secretly wanted to be caught. Since that first time I have gone out probably dozen of times as a female.
The years since I went through many a purge, but of course always begin collecting women's clothing again. I went out as a girl many times, always secretly. Sometimes sharing my secret with a girlfriend, but I was solidly behind the closet door.
When I was younger there was a strong sexual aspect to the dressing. Which only made me feel even more guilty of what I was doing. It took years before the sexual thrill of it took a back seat to just the incredible feeling of being a girl.
I looked at myself strictly as a crossdresser since I had a full and I have to say enjoyable life as a male. But the thoughts of "what would it be like to have breasts and a vagina"? "What would it be like if I woke up a girl tomorrow"? "What would it be like to live as a woman"? seem to come into my head often.
I am probably going on with way too much information in an introduction. But it feels good to open up about myself.
I will skip through the years, and while I never could maintain a relationship with a woman, after years of therapy (in which my crossdressing was barely discussed) I met a wonderful woman, married, had kids and proceeded through a "normal" life. I thought or hoped that my crossdressing desires would at least be minimized, manageable and maybe even stop.
Who was I kidding. As it has throughout my life the desire seemed only to get stronger. And the thoughts and feeling of wanting more then an occasional day of dressing became a common experience. In fact the feeling that it was not just crossdressing I wanted, but that I wanted to live my life as a woman.
Here I am now in my early.... well a girl never tells her age right? I have decided to continue my journey to become the woman I have fantasize and dreamed about becoming.
Well, thanks for reading this long introduction. I plan on posting more and who knows even develop some friendships.
Diane
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