Quote from: DawnOday on January 05, 2018, 09:19:37 PM
I dress for support group and therapy and time to time I go to see Nanci for electrolysis. If I lived downtown I could see me out and about more often especially in Capital Hill. What exactly is passing? I'll never be 20 again and that is when I may have passed.

Thank you, Dawn. Sound advice.
I wish you had more opportunities to go out into the world as a woman. You're actually quite pretty

Lindy

Quote from: tgirlamc on January 05, 2018, 09:03:24 PM
Cheaney!!! My Dear Sister...

I'm so sorry that you are having worries but, if they are indeed, worries solely attached to employment, I have great faith you will find a path forward that works for you.... I can understand that a job in teaching/coaching could be a hard road and I fully understand we must pick our battles... If you look at that door as being closed to you, for whatever reason, please keep in mind that there are an infinite number of doors that will be yours to walk through....

There are so many aspects to making transition work... It touches every aspect of our life to some degree or another and our employment can be a huge piece of the puzzle

Please don't hesitate to let me know If I can ever be of help along your road ahead!!!

Onward we go brave sister!!!

Ashley [emoji3]❤️[emoji258]

Thank you Ashley!

I'm getting to the point that I think I'm ok with however my female appearance will be but it's just more of a security thing. Being able to support my wife so we don't struggle the way we have so far is what bothers me most about it. Still looking at possible majors/careers and see if any catch on. If not, I might just say screw it and go into education anyway because I feel like that's what I was born to do.

I will most likely take you up on your offer for help lol. I already look up to a few of you ladies(you being one) here that gives me a lot of inspiration for both the possibilities and just keeping the faith to keep going on this journey when it feels like I should quit.

Cheaney


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I know people say the hormones take a while to do anything even mentally.  Maybe so.  But all I know is that within a week of starting, I was not going to let anyone take them away from me.  Hopefully you'll have a similar reaction, although not everyone does (even people that stay on hormones don't always feel this mental thing).  For me, my deepest hope, the one I didn't share with people, was that I would be less prone to flying off the handle - and it absolutely did that.  It also just generally calmed me.  My wife tells me that I am obviously way, way more relaxed these days.

I don't know how your body will develop - but can speak about my middle aged body.  I'm definitely getting development a few months into hormones, and have a very small, young looking, but feminine chest now.  But it hasn't kept me from passing as a guy at work yet.  I just got ahold of some sports bras and they flatten me out enough that if things start to get a tad more obvious, it'll be no problem to hide that.  I started hormones before I was presenting as a woman anywhere.

I also shave my arms - to my knowledge nobody has really noticed at work.  Nobody has said anything about my slightly plucked eyebrows either.  It took 3 months for someone to comment on my earrings or that I'm growing out my hair.  But I suspect things are going to get a bit harder to hide soon.

Whatever you do, listen to yourself.  Some part of you knows who you are.

Quote from: Cheaney on January 06, 2018, 12:03:13 PM
Thank you Ashley!

I'm getting to the point that I think I'm ok with however my female appearance will be but it's just more of a security thing. Being able to support my wife so we don't struggle the way we have so far is what bothers me most about it. Still looking at possible majors/careers and see if any catch on. If not, I might just say screw it and go into education anyway because I feel like that's what I was born to do.

I will most likely take you up on your offer for help lol. I already look up to a few of you ladies(you being one) here that gives me a lot of inspiration for both the possibilities and just keeping the faith to keep going on this journey when it feels like I should quit.

Cheaney


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Hi Cheaney!

Thank you for the kind words sister!!!

As you consider things on the career front, you might want to give tech a serious look if you are at all drawn that direction.... I live about 90 minutes south of the Silicon Valley area and from what I know, it seems to be an industry with an accepting atmosphere for the most part and good opportunities depending on specialty skills... AI industry growth will explode soon!...

That said, If education is truly where your heart is at and you can make it work for your financial needs... Following your heart is quite seldom a wrong choice.... Life's choices are malleable and you can always try it... If you find yourself not getting out of it what you seek... A new path can be taken up... All parts of a good journey dear sister!!!!

Onward we go brave girl!

Ashley 😀❤️🌻

Quote from: Lindy on January 06, 2018, 08:55:42 AM
Ricki, thanks for sharing your very touching story. It brought tears to my eyes. I saved this final bit because it really spoke to me this morning. (We seem to have the same bodies!) I've had cancer treatment too, and I'm so glad you were able to make it through to live the life that seems to make you so happy. I know this is waiting for me too. I just know it. If I had a magic wand, I'd drop myself two months into the future. By that time I would have been on HRT 60 days and I'd be working to create a new life for myself. It would be Lindy's life, the one she deserves after waiting so long.

So I'll practice my self-love and welcome what feels inevitable.

Big hugs,

Lindy

You have my best wishes and I'm sending positive vibes your way sweetheart! Be your own magic wand dear!

Hugs back atcha,

Ricki


Practice self-love and shine brightly... Ricki

Quote from: Lindy on January 05, 2018, 12:44:27 PM
Hello everyone.
I saw my therapist yesterday, and she felt I was ready to be referred for HRT. Good news, but it's filling me with a mix of unwelcome emotions. I know I'll never pass, and I can accept that I could live stealth, but even stealth makes me squirm because I just can't imagine it. The thought of transitioning with HRT excites me greatly - I'm sure it's the woman inside who longs for this - but the old male-me seems to be throwing up obstacles as I get closer. So today I feel stuck
I also went out for errands this morning and felt significant gender dysphoria.

Any input would be appreciated.

Thanks!
Lindy

First of all... HRT is not a Trans Sentence. It is NOT a Give Up Your Life as You Know It; death sentence.

I've been on full feminizing HRT for a good 10 years. I still live and present full time as male.

I have 2 utter fail transition "experiments" under my belt. At 6ft tall big everything, balding since 14, should a reasonable person expect anything else? Should a person ravaged with feelings of Shame & Guilt expect anything else?

Yet.... HRT was a lifesaver for me. Over these past 40 years On/Off Low-Dose for a few weeks or more for the much needed brain "Reset". Ten years ago starting full-feminizing after some work on taking the Trans-Beast on for real.

TBH - For me... even with HRT there are and will be obstacles. Some I purposely throw up, others... the realities of my life. How do we strike a Balance? Fumble in the darkenss. Find what works. Experiment

Quote from: Thea on January 05, 2018, 06:34:58 PM
My point is that we can't all be models.

Thank you, Thea! I think this is a very powerful statement, almost a declaration. We can't be models but we can find joy living out our new lives as trans women

Bug hugs
Lindy

Quote from: JoanneB on January 06, 2018, 07:34:36 PM
First of all... HRT is not a Trans Sentence. It is NOT a Give Up Your Life as You Know It; death sentence.

I've been on full feminizing HRT for a good 10 years. I still live and present full time as male.

How do we strike a Balance? Fumble in the darkenss. Find what works. Experiment

Thank you for this, Joanne. I find your words inspirational in so many ways

Hugs
Lindy

Quote from: Lindy on January 05, 2018, 12:44:27 PM
Hello everyone.
I saw my therapist yesterday, and she felt I was ready to be referred for HRT. Good news, but it's filling me with a mix of unwelcome emotions. I know I'll never pass, and I can accept that I could live stealth, but even stealth makes me squirm because I just can't imagine it. The thought of transitioning with HRT excites me greatly - I'm sure it's the woman inside who longs for this - but the old male-me seems to be throwing up obstacles as I get closer. So today I feel stuck
I also went out for errands this morning and felt significant gender dysphoria.

Any input would be appreciated.

Thanks!
Lindy

Lindy, you are not alone. 

I am 3+ months on HRT.  I'm out to a handful of friends.  I am NOT out to my family or my employer.  I'm tall and don't exactly have feminine features.  I've always had a fear of not being able to pass.  While i made a decision to begin transition 6 months ago i have struggled with each step.  But each small step so far has helped to either ease my dysphoria or settle my mind. 


Each of the few steps i've taken toward transition so far have been preceeded by intense fear, worry and shame.  Like coming out to my wife.  Starting laser hair removal.  HRT.  But what i've found so far is that each step has been followed by relief, some lessening of my dysphoria and even some happiness.  6 months ago I feared i'd lose all my friends.  Now that i'm out to some of my friends they've accepted me and they now use my new name and pronouns.  A few months ago I was terrified of going out in public as a woman. I knew I wouldn't pass.  Now I am going out with my friends as my true self.  My fear was unjustified.  I know that to some strangers i might look like a guy wearing women's clothes or maybe an effeminate man, but now I don't care nearly as much as I did.  Today I went to brunch with a few of my friends.  My nails were painted.  I wore lipstick.  The food was really good.  Thinking back to a few months ago I couldn't have imagined going out like I did today, after all I am NOT PASSABLE. 

What keeps me going is realizing that what i've feared the most about each of my little steps hasn't played out in reality.  Even being misgendered in public didn't ruin me. 

I have a long way to go.  I'm not out to my family.  I'm not out at work.  At some point I'll get surgery.  I still cry in therapy every week about my fear of not passing... among other things.

What keeps me going is the realization that this is better than the pain and mental hell i was in only a few months ago.   

 

I see all sorts of opinions here... but the thing to remember is that each situation is unique and a unique combination of factors figure in to how each person experiences their lives post-transion, out or stealth or in-between.

How things can be different...

If someone passes very well and is experienced as woman by everyone, their experience of being out will be VERY different from someone who does not pass well and is out..

People tend to react to/be influenced most by what they see and experience rather than what the "know"... so (with most new people) in day to day interactions ... Ao the texture of life can be different  for out people depending on how well they 'pass'.

That said few can fully 100% not be affected at all by knowing someone has changed sex (though such do exist and post-ops who marry such people are very lucky)

That means on one's social experiences (speaking in general) can be significantly different if one is out or stealth...

Depending on what what needs to be happy, and best fits who one is, it is possible to be happy anywhere on the spectrum... but that does not mean any specific person  can be happy anywhere on it... Happiness depends on more than self acceptance...

But self acceptance is vital... regardless of if one is out or stealth.

No matter how stealth one might be, having had to change sex mean there are things about us that will never be as they would have been if we were born female... and to find peace you HAVE TO accept that.

The truth is while we have some say, we often don't have total control for where we wind up... In this T* aware age some of us can not get to a place where we are are not read or suspected because of some of our physical traits no matter what we do...

Some (sometimes with teh help of "additional surgeries") can physically pass flawlessly but because of factors such as  information age, our entanglements/responsibilities, our loves, sense of duty etc stealth may not be in the cards no matter how much one would prefer it.

Of course some who do pass very well would rather be out... at least initially... From what I have seen it seems few that the wind up passing very well, keep being very out in the long run.

The decision to transition is always full of uncertainty about the future and where we will wind up. You can't know if your hopes and dreams will come true if you make the change ...

But you can get a sense of if it might be possible for you to be happy without trying to transition ... If you can, life would be a lot simpler...

If you can't then then despite the fear and uncertainty there really is only one path... You try your best and the learn to make the best of where you end up, knowing that one way or another your life will likely be very different from "before" in the long run and you will likely lose some people in your life that may be important to you.

But remember these days the "penalty" for not be being 100% passible is a LOT less than it used to be in a LOT of places , so there is less to fear than there once was.

- Karen

Quote from: Becca Kay on January 07, 2018, 04:45:27 PM
Today I went to brunch with a few of my friends.  My nails were painted.  I wore lipstick.  The food was really good.  Thinking back to a few months ago I couldn't have imagined going out like I did today, after all I am NOT PASSABLE. 

I can *definitely* relate to this.  I thought at best it would be two years after starting hormones that I would start presenting publicly.  That didn't work out as I expected.  I'll be starting my name & legal gender change process in the near future. This just feels right, even if I probably am a guy in a dress to most other people.

I went full time 5 months after starting HRT.  I had planned to wait much longer, possibly never, but other factors changed my plans.  I had been going to my therapist appointments dressed, and was running errands and occasionally getting breakfast or lunch as myself, but that was about it.  I found myself living on my own, and I resolved to just be my authentic self.  I had maybe 40 hours of electrolysis, was nervous when out on my own, and knew nobody in my new community.

I tossed all my male clothing, and went full time anyway.  Nothing bad happened.  I started attending a local Unitarian Universalist church out of philosophical common ground and a need for community.  Nothing bad happened.  I went to the grocery store.  I went to local restaurants.  I went shopping.  I rode the local public transit rail system.  I was frightened, but nothing bad happened.  I got a makeover and makeup lessons.  That was actually pretty good.

I've been full time 16 months now.  A year and a half on HRT, and I had GCS a couple months ago.

I doubt I pass on any photographic examination, but honestly, nobody out in the world looks that closely.  Everyone is too busy trying to cross the street and not get hit, or how they'll explain being late for work, or trying to remember which brand of pasta they are supposed to get. 

For exercise I walk a loop of a few miles through downtown.  I stop for coffee, sit and people watch to check details of movement, wardrobe choices, and such.  It's just routine now.

Not passing is a big concern. However after starting HRT in Feb of 2017, the feeling of just being right for the first time in my life was overwhelming. Finding a group in the nearest city was another real positive for me. I was so afraid at first just to go out with clear nail polish on. I left the house in full fem clothes on my first trip to a therapist. Scary certainly, but so freeing also. Going out in the city after group with the girls was the most incredible feeling. It was like the very first time I could ever remember not being self conscious in my entire life.
I was just me.
That little statement seems so simple but for me it was something I will never forget.

I am staying is a town right now that is more in the state's Bible Belt of sorts. I don't pass. I don't expect to. It is great when people manage to avoid pronouns or on the rare occasion call me she or her instead. I draw some looks, some stares even. Most have been polite but every so often I feel that look. Once I catch their eyes and I do not look away, they will. I am just under 6ft tall. Really a bit over 5-11. I am fortunate to have some fem shape but my shoulders sit high and I feel exposed everywhere I go. Still life is better than before.

Quote from: Karen_A on January 07, 2018, 05:54:20 PM

The decision to transition is always full of uncertainty about the future and where we will wind up. You can't know if your hopes and dreams will come true if you make the change ...

But you can get a sense of if it might be possible for you to be happy without trying to transition ... If you can, life would be a lot simpler...

If you can't then then despite the fear and uncertainty there really is only one path... You try your best and the learn to make the best of where you end up, knowing that one way or another your life will likely be very different from "before" in the long run.

Karen, thanks so much for sharing your wisdom. You offered many compelling considerations and, this morning, I find myself facing the above reality. I've decided to give myself more time before I begin HRT. Transitioning feels so right/necessary, but I want/need to make sure it's the absolutely the best path for me.

Lindy

Hi Karen, you made a great 'balanced' post (and I generally post something very 'unbalanced').

My point was whether you pass or not, whether you have supportive or hostile environment. Actually, especially if situation is difficult and environment is not friendly... if you go for HRT, you must be prepared to face your community as a MTF trans (someone, who is neither treated as male, nor as cis-female). Not necessarily jump into the pool right away, but be ready that you'd be pushed into it at most unexpected moment and be ready to start swimming (figuratively speaking). Why? Because HRT affects different people differently, and your body might respond to hormones very fast, and even if some people live 9 years on low dose HRT without visible changes - it doesn't mean there are none, it just mean - people did not confront them. But you will be constantly afraid of discovery all this time unless you're mentally ready to pull that dress and go out at moment's notice.

If you aren't ready to do it (at least mentally), my advice is not to start HRT


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 I personally don't pass (6+' tall, 200lb, 40 yrs of testosterone)... But I went out many times dressed as a woman. I got my share of stares, I understood from the first time that I might meet someone I know and will be outed to all people I know. I told myself, if it happens, it happens, I won't be ashamed to admit who I am. So, when people stared at me, I stared back and smiled. I can count only a few times when I actually was confronted by strangers, and thank god - all confrontations resolved peacefully. People in general don't want to press when the other person isn't ashamed/ afraid/ shy. And by smiling, I made a point that I am not challenging them (not a good thing towards macho males).

Any trans needs to grow thick skin and be prepared. Si vis pacem, para bellum.


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thank you so much for this tread. I'm just starting out on my journey (I gto to a private GIC in March to go on HRT)

I'm dressing androgynously female at the minute, have been since november - at first I felt so conspicuous I thought I would never be able to go any further but its becoming my new normal if that makes sense - still nerve wracking at times. One big issue at the minute is that I don't want to wear a wig (I do when I go partying) so I'm growing my hair and having laser as well - I think (hope) that when I do I'll feel more confident. I guess its confidence I need to grow more than anything though - anyone have a magic wand

Quote from: vickijonesuk on January 15, 2018, 05:28:09 AM
I guess its confidence I need to grow more than anything though - anyone have a magic wand

Vicki

Welcome to the forum dear sister and kudos on the brave steps forward to make your life into one that is a better reflection of the truth inside you!!!

I believe you will find, as you continue to move forward, that the confidence will grow exponentially... The fears will fall away... and the magic wand has been inside you all along, waiting for the right time to be used...

Your time is now!!!...

Onward we go brave girl

Ashley 😀💗🌻

Quote from: vickijonesuk on January 15, 2018, 05:28:09 AM
I'm dressing androgynously female at the minute, have been since november - at first I felt so conspicuous I thought I would never be able to go any further but its becoming my new normal if that makes sense - still nerve wracking at times. I guess its confidence I need to grow more than anything though - anyone have a magic wand

Hi Vicki,

We seem to be walking the same path. Congrats on mustering the courage to move forward. I liked your comment about "my new normal." I can't wear most of my old male clothes anymore and I've adopted a much more androgynous look - though kinda girly - which feels very comfortable. I think we'll feel our way forward and the woman inside will guide us.

Good luck

Lindy

Quote from: vickijonesuk on January 15, 2018, 05:28:09 AM
thank you so much for this tread. I'm just starting out on my journey (I gto to a private GIC in March to go on HRT)

I'm dressing androgynously female at the minute, have been since november - at first I felt so conspicuous I thought I would never be able to go any further but its becoming my new normal if that makes sense - still nerve wracking at times. One big issue at the minute is that I don't want to wear a wig (I do when I go partying) so I'm growing my hair and having laser as well - I think (hope) that when I do I'll feel more confident. I guess its confidence I need to grow more than anything though - anyone have a magic wand

That has been me for months. Dressing ambiguously female.  Some of my friends didn't notice that my sweaters changed from men's to women's. Most people don't realize I'm wearing women's skinny jeans, not men's. Despite my height and not wearing any makeup I was referred to as ma'am a few days ago by a server while I was out with friends.  My clothing has slowly morphed, especially as I lost weight, from very plain men's clothing to androgenous and now blatantly female most days.

I'm going wig shopping this weekend with my girlfriends. Usually when I go out of the house I wear a slouchy hat but the hat no longer calms my dysphoria.