Why???

Why does anatomy have to be so important?

I have struggled with this for more years than many of you have been alive. I have the elements of success - a successful marriage and family, a successful career, have traveled the world, respect in the community that i live in. So why can't I be content with blessed life that I have?

I don't hate my male body. It's a very normal male body. I've always been slender and always felt inadequate physically around the more athletic jocks. But when I dress as a woman i see me. In my teens when my first attempts at dressing we're very awkward, I remember the first time I saw myself in the mirror with wig, makeup and feminine clothes on thinking "This is me". Despite that thought, and wanting to get pregnant as a teen so people would know (and probably confirm to myself too) that I really was a woman, I put that aside to complete education, establish career, and family. My first marriage ended I think primarily because I came out to my then wife. When her therapist told her that ->-bleeped-<- is seldom changeable she decided to end our marriage. Rather than transition which I always thought I would do if that marriage ended, I fell in love with another woman and remarried, but never shared with her that I was transgender.  My thinking was that I had lived those years without dressing and had survived and I could continue to do so.

I finally decided that i needed to look the beast in the face, and through the acquaintance of a transitioned woman found a gender therapist. I thought that the therapist might unravel my tangled thoughts and discover I wasn't really transgender. Wishful thinking! Quite the opposite was true.

I am so frustrated. Why can't I just be satisfied with the good things that I have? The transgender thoughts consume me affecting my work, my relationships and every aspect of my life. To follow through with with transition is hugely disruptive to myself, to my family, work and every aspect of my life. I am most concerned about the impacts on family.

Forgive my unloading as I'm sure this is an often repeated lament.

Anne


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Big hug! It does come up a lot, but that's OK, it's the first time it's come up for you and your issues deserve attention. 

For me, this has been a  blessing. I've gone from a joyless man to an impish...um....something. 

I do get that for many this isn't a blessing. Nonetheless, we are on the same path, and  I'm a great tour guide. 

Hugs, Devlyn

Hi Anne_indy,

Wish I had an answer.  I'm older too, 55.  I've been married for 30 years and have 2 adult daughters.  I'm currently on low dose E to lessen the dysphoria.  Not sure it's working anymore.  I've know since I was 5 and my wife has known for the most part since we got together.  She doesn't like it.  If I transitioned she would probably be gone.

I don't know why anatomy is so important but I guess that describes the type of dysphoria many of us have.  Unlike you I do hate my male features.

All I can say is I know exactly how you feel.  This body dysphoria is ruining my life.  It consumes my thoughts every minute.  They say when it gets this bad, transition is really the only solution.  That's what my therapist says.

I've been resisting transitioning because of all the havoc this would cause in my life and my family's but I'm not sure I can last much longer.

Take care and I hope it gets better,
Paige

Change the title of your post. "Why" is always the wrong question, it only invites justification, not explanation.

Instead I suggest you ask ... what? How? Maybe where? or when?

Why doesn't matter, just the reality of your experience does.

Quote from: anne_indy on January 08, 2018, 12:54:16 PM

I am so frustrated. Why can't I just be satisfied with the good things that I have? The transgender thoughts consume me affecting my work, my relationships and every aspect of my life. To follow through with with transition is hugely disruptive to myself, to my family, work and every aspect of my life. I am most concerned about the impacts on family.

Forgive my unloading as I'm sure this is an often repeated lament.

Anne


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

The reason why you cannot be satisfied with those things may be because none of them include making your transition. If you have bad dysphoria or something similar and build a life without addressing it, you have built a life with a weak foundation, you have built your castle on soft, shifting sand.

Marriage, respect in the community, a good job and that stuff is not dealing with the root of what could help you better enjoy your life, dealing with your gender. It could be that someone gives you $100,000,000 and you then earn all the respect in the world from community and family, but if you have dysphoria or something similar and leave it unchecked you could still be miserable. Consider something, I don't have any of that stuff you list as successful. As it concerns those things, by society's standards I am a loser. In my 30s with no career, failed family, still live with my parents and while being in such a state bothered me as it would almost anyone, I was miserable not because of lack of job and status but primarily because of dysphoria. Only thing I had going for me is I was good looking, damn good looking. Tall, slim, with well-formed facial features and well-spoken. I was a "pretty boy," I have had people tell me "You're gorgeous and belong on soap operas." and "Are you a model?" countless times I have seen women staring at me and have many times been approached by women flirting. Many men would kill for that, but guess what? It meant nothing I was still miserable. For some people, only transition will work to help them establish a base or a foundation to work from in which they can then go off and work for those things like jobs, fam and money to be happy.


About transition, you'd have to realistically weigh the benefits of it versus the drawbacks, or disruption, it will cause to your life. For example which is worse for you, possibly losing your career and marriage or continuing to go about it all without  seriously dealing with your trans issues?

Maybe you can't be happy about the "good things" because they don't really make you happy. Maybe you need other things in life to be truly happy. And, how can you be happy about anything when you can't be happy about yourself?
I was going to have an important career, a wife, a family and a nice house. During my transition I realized that I didn't really want that, it didn't make me happy, even though I was told that I needed it if I wanted a happy and successful life. I gave everything up and started to pursue what I felt I wanted.

Hi, Anne.

Here's a big hug: (((HUG)))

If you are truly trans, and it certainly sounds like you are, then you have a female brain.  Your brain knows who you really are, and it gets confused when you were raised to be someone different that who you are.  The reason you aren't satisfied with what you have is because you brain knows that, to be satisfied, you have to be authentic.  The trans journey is all about being authentic.

hi
I totally empathise with you. It seems in many ways we are similar except I pushed myself physically and played rugby for 25 years, and ended up with the resultant body (not beer belly though). I am risking my job, family , reputation and everything else, as where I am, having internalised all by GD for close on 50 years, I can only go one way and continue to live happily.
I am taking that path, and surprising to me my family are starting to understand and accept me and who I will become. Don't underestimate the power of love and family.
I'm sure you are not in my situation but you need to think how your situation and feelings will develop over the rest of your natural life for the main paths that lie before you.
For me, I would rather to be happy in my soul than dead in my heart and unhappy with life. Those that love you will stay with you, those that dont wont. Simple as that. But you need to help them to gently understand you as you make whatever decision you make, and do make one, but I think you need to involve your spouse whatever path you take as hidden secrets can be dangerous and deadly.
Well, be loving and open and most will help and accept you whatever choice you make. You may declare that you have these intense feelings but will not act on them, let your loved ones see that and the sacrifice you are making for them, or that you have to do something but don't know what yet (so its slow so they get to appreciate the change your whole social map will need to make).
Anyway - enough of my ramblings.
Summary - Just make sure you are happy, that way you can still give love, if your unhappy then how can you really love others.

Well just my thoughts, but I'm not a counsellor, just an ordinary Jane

Hugs Katie

And  from my view you are definitely Trans to some degree and should continue Therapy, understand yourself so that others can as well
Hugz again
Katie

For me personally, its not just Anatomy, its about touch, its about whats expected of being man, its about not wanting to add anything more to my male persona, but yet until this year always being afraid to explore my femininity and what that means to me

Same thing for me
Through all this ive always wondered why? why was i given this dilenma? journey? is it really me? but still my thoughts always seem to head in the direction of being female, i havent always felt anatomically wrong, i mean when it comes to sex yes i have, but as an Asexual person it means i dont always have to think about it, and i have sometimes enjoyed playing with my penis, but always imagined it was someone else doing it,  or thinking about guys embracing me in a feminine way

Hello Anne, by the way, I love the name. I hear and feel your struggles and I also believe that you know the answer to your question. So, just realize that there are those of us hear that have compassionate empathy for you and please feel free to rant and scream with us so that you can find some peace with your life with your family.

Tia Anne

Please get hold of me if you want to talk

Quote from: Devlyn Marie on January 08, 2018, 01:20:09 PM
I've gone from a joyless man to an impish...um....something. 

Girl, I can relate to that.

In my case, physical transitioning is an imperative; I don't know the reason, I just know I have to do it, just as I know I have to dress female, etc. In my reflection on this phenomenon I have reached the tentative conclusion that it's a matter of authenticity. I want to present female as much as I possibly can, because it's who I am, and male is who I'm not.

Anne,
   There are certain realities I had to face after rejecting my true self for over 50 years. First, if there is a 'why' it doesn't make a difference to how we feel day to day. Next, running from the reality of the conflict within is a dead end. No amount of distraction, success, or anything else did away with my feelings. I have never heard anyone on here say the feelings go away, in fact I found the feeling only got stronger with age. Finally, none of this is in any way convenient.
    A couple of things to keep in mind though. Full transition is not for everyone. I have talked to people on here who have found very different solutions that have worked for them. Also, good outcomes are possible. Adjustments are necessary. A positive attitude is a big help. Supporters are out there.
     I know you are venting and may not really be looking for comments about the facts. It is very frustrating, and I am sorry for your pain in dealing with this. It is very hard to cope sometimes. I wish you the best.
Moni

Hi AnneMarie.  I'm with you.  I've had dream jobs and have created and been part of projects that are incredible.  You would think I'd be happy and satisfied, but I wasn't.  Throughout it all I was always not myself, always hiding.  It took me forever to confront the beast and accept who and what I am.  I can tell you I am happier now, although I am a bit worried about the things I have been striving towards from my male self. Can I still get them done?  Time will tell.

Bari Jo

Hi there anne, I'm probably in the same position as you. 😆 💖 family and kids etc  but I've been hiding in the closet for years. lol 😆 haha I've struggle with feeling like a female since I was about 6 i wanted to be a female so badly. I've got a good life with a beautiful wife and house and good job. I've only just started on hrt for 10 months now and feels so good inside of me that I want to be a female full time. be what I really want and never have to hide in the closet anymore. Any way enough of me. 😆 im wishing you all the best for 2018.😆 and you can find your true self and be happy. Xoxoxox

Hi Anne,

  I'm Laurie. Your torment is a valid concern and I do not doubt that it is torment. That is because I know it is. Many of us here do. I had everything I wanted from life and I lost it all. Wife, children, Grandchildren, house and job. Still I couldn't shake this thing of wanting to be a woman. After 3 rounds with cancer, two of which were supposed to kill me. Now living on borrowed time with nothing more to lose, I gave in and started hrt at 64 a little over a year ago.
  So yes you could lose it all or you may lose nothing many here have done that and many like me lost everything to this obsession. It covers the whole spectrum between success and failure. No one can tell you what to do or how to handle your own situation. Only you can decide if it is worth the risk. A therapist can help but they can't tell you what to do. I can't tell you what to do and to be honest with you I still don't know if my decision was worth it but I know I had to do it. I had to try to be who I always wished I could be. In one way or another it has cost me everything I held dear to my heart. I don't know if I can live with that.
  The question is can you?

Hugs,
   Laurie

I don't know that there is an answer to "why", unless you're looking for medical contributors, in which case more and more are coming to light.  It isn't just anatomy.  We use that because this is a physical world and anatomy and social cues are symbolic and we use five senses to get the cues as to who we are and how we fit in to the world around us.
     I have had to look much deeper than that to try to put my mind at ease.  I never had any clues for over 50 extremely successful and mostly happy years (10 yrs old-65 yrs old) but suddenly I started to hear another voice calling and it was like I was waking up from a dream.  I realized that it was another spirit in me and she wanted to be recognized in the worst way so in less than two years we're going from full male to full female and I think it's because I have more to do in my time here.  Just as there were clearly (to me now) things I had to be male to do, another journey with unknown experiences lay before me.  I could refuse to accept this gift, I am strong enough, but life has been very good to me and I won't turn down this opportunity, I don't want to.  The physical changes I'm undertaking are merely the trappings that allow me to move about this world in a new guise that will suit whatever lay ahead of me.  I will leave very much of my old world behind, and that will be painful because I had little argument with it, but it is apparently necessary to make room for the good things that I'm sure are yet to come.  I don't think it's about the anatomy, it's about the spirit.  Look there.  Toni   

Thanks to all of you for your replies. As I began to read through your replies some of the anxiety began to lift.

Although i've lived with this all of my life since adolescence, I still struggle with acceptance of the fact that this is my core. As several of you have indicated nothing will satisfy if i don't allow the authentic self to emerge.

In terms of the dysphoria, for me, I think it comes about because when I interact with people as a male, I feel as if I am invisible - that although someone sees me, they don't because I can never reveal to them my inner core that is far more feminine than masculine. Tia Anne can attest to my response when I see myself in a mirror in a feminine mode.

Devlyn - I catch glimmers of hope that I will be able to see this as a blessing as I move forward. For now I think the word "bittersweet" is very appropriate.

Sadie - you are right that I will never know the "Why". The best I can do is to figure out the how. How do i move forward and make the best with the cards i've been dealt.

Shadow sister - the metaphor about the sandy foundation is interesting and very relevant. There's more to that I need to consider.

Katie - what you stated about your comment about being happy with one's self before one can love others was one my motivations to open the door to explore myself again. I felt that I could never truly love others unless I loved myself, and I have always had an underlying inability to feel happy about myself.

Christy - you are right, it's not just about anatomy. It'smjust That the anatomy sets up expectations about what people expect of us.

Moni - my efforts to distract myself with work and other activities have not satisfied. Things that should bring pleasure have not. I agree that the feeling intensifies with age, or at least my ability to counteract the feelings has diminished.

Tia Anne - thank you for being available.

Thank you all for your responses - it helps me to hear your thoughts and stories, and it helps me that you are willing to read and respond to my post. I often feel so isolated.