So something happened a few days ago I had to process a bit, but felt like mentioning here. I'm still not entirely comfortable with it for some reason, but I'm not quite sure why...
Anyway, I spoke with an old friend I've known online for... god, a very long time now. I know him quite well, and he is one of the nicest, sweetest people I've met online. (Even just saying "sweet" about a male friend is still weird to me, but it's the word my brain wants to use and I'm trusting that.) By happenstance in catching up with him, I saw his profile picture on google+. Now, I've seen what he looks like before, but I never thought anything of it in the slightest. For some reason this time, it set something off in me. I should say I am 99% sure I'm bi or pan, I've mentioned that before, but guys have always been something I thought of in an abstract way, it has never been a specific person, ever. This was different. And it wasn't like he was some random Chris Hemsworth type and it was just some recognition of physical attractiveness, but just knowing the person he is and then connecting it to a face and not just some disembodied voice or line of text... Jesus, I'm sort of fighting with myself to say it even as I type, so I just well. At that moment, I crushed hard. Not on an abstract thought of a guy, but on a specific individual guy. It has largely passed (or at least I repressed it, who knows, apparently I'm good at repression), but the entire thing just has me feeling super weird and uncomfortable with myself, like even just having those ideas for a night (... yeah) were some huge violation.
And I know... I'm a girl who found herself attracted to a guy she knows. Big deal. Happens all the time. And it's not a surprise to me that I am attracted to guys in the slightest. So why is it bothering me so much?