Its just been so stressful because I just feel more confused now.......I have never felt bad about being female....ever......and now all my mind is thinking is I want to be or am trans....which I know would never be a bad thing......but now IDK if my OCD is getting to me or what....

Quote from: BJ0909 on January 05, 2018, 01:36:13 PM
Its just been so stressful because I just feel more confused now.......I have never felt bad about being female....ever......and now all my mind is thinking is I want to be or am trans....which I know would never be a bad thing......but now IDK if my OCD is getting to me or what....

It sounds like the anxiety about whether you're trans is the issue, not being trans (or not)

If you have been diagnosed with OCD, then I hope you are seeing a psychotherapist (in addition to any meds.)  Your therapist is the person best in the position to help you with your anxiety.

And if you're not seeing one, perhaps it would be a good idea to start.  It doesn't mean you're trans, or crazy, simply that you have something in your head that is bothering you and you can't deal with, so you find someone who is in a position to help.

Doubt and Questioning are a well established norms of human behavior.  Some
work within that constraint better than others. 

People and standards vary quite a bit.   Evaluation standards vary too.
Some examples:

1. We use the beyond reasonable doubt standard in the US Criminal Justice System.   
It is not required to eliminate all doubt to convict.   

2. Civil cases need only have the preponderance of the evidence-- say 51%. 
For me that is not quite comforting. 

3.   In defining mental illness the standard was based upon where the traits
and behaviors created dysfunction that deviated from a fiction of normality. 
It is possible to call that the "Can we correct and stay within perceived normality
standard?"

4. In statistical analysis we get to define the degree of certainty we chose to
a number of standard deviations.   Plus or minus three standard deviations should
include 99.7% of observations if a population is normally distributed.  That presumes
we have quantitative data to work with and feelings and self identity are hard to fit
into that model.  We still do not have to have complete certainty though. 

Not a one of those has and absolute all the way and complete certainty requirement.
Maybe it is a function of when one chooses to round up to get to certainty.  For some
3/4 is close enough to 1.  Others want 99/100.  We all get to live with the results of
our decisions and thus get to choose where we put the risk. 

I know who and what I am based upon the evidence that I can obtain and process to
a degree that is well beyond reasonable doubt.  But that does mean that there is still
not room to think of alternative solutions. 

We are not required to know anything absolutely to live a healthy life.  We need
only know that the alternatives are worse or less desirable, or less certain to be
worthwhile.  "Certain Enough," may be all we can know. 

That said, humans have been observed to partake in a lot of second guessing
themselves.   In marketing we often had data pointing out those shopping and
comparing the most were those who had just purchased.  They were trying to
make sure.   

Humans have also been observed partaking in many affirming behaviors to assure
them the behavior path is right enough.

I don't 100% know, but I'm at about 80%.

I look at pictures of men and think "I want to be that". I see how men are treated in media, in real life, and I think "I want to be treated like that". I see the way men stand and walk and speak and think "I want to be like that". (Well, more "I do that already, I wish people wouldn't think it's funny!") I see male facial structure, musculature, and I think "I want to look like that". I don't experience acute body dysphoria, and I don't hate my birth junk, and sometimes I quite enjoy putting it to use with the right partner, but my chest is "bizarrely" devoid of sensitivity, and being treated like a woman in bed has always been kind of a turnoff. I think I dissociate a bit when I look at pictures of women, and something about looking at porn with vaginal penetration or seeing images of vaginas has always made me really, really uncomfortable.

Who am I at the end of the day? Well, I'm me. Where I go from here has nothing to do with being "100% sure" of anything; life is a gamble. Realizing that transition is a series of small decisions helped. If you think you're a guy, start with mental exercises. Body language. Try a binder on and see if you like what you see in the mirror. Start doing upper body exercises or practice lowering your voice. It's not all or nothing, RIGHT NOW. Transition is one day at a time.

I know I am more masculine compared to my sister....but growing up and up until this started.......I have not wanted to be seen as a guy....

I knew 100% pretty much straight away when it occurred to me I might be trans. A bit of reasearch showed it's a spectrum and these thoughts are not cis normal. I was sure I'm at least a little bit trans.

The next big step was starting hrt. That felt far too good. Then I tried stopping, and found I couldn't. Haven't got to the social transition part yet, but I'm definitely 100% on the trans spectrum.

And I am also dealing with a guy who I may or may not have feelings for......but he and I arent talking right now......and IDK why but I just end up crying from it.....He ices me out and I just end up feeling really sad or crappy..

Ok I guess I shouldnt havent said anything..

Quote from: BJ0909 on December 25, 2017, 11:15:30 PM
For months Ive had questioning if I am transgender.......I know my whole life I have not ever really had suppressed guy feelings. I know I have always been a tom boy and been more into nerdy stuff like anime, Disney, etc. I do like wearing sweaters and makeup...and I have never wished for a penis or no boobs. I have never wished to be renamed to something else except maybe a different name to find my name at a gift shop. These last few months have been so hard....Because up until these last few months.....I never felt depressed about my gender.....although I have asked my parents if its weird that I am not as girly as my sister....other than that.......as far as I know I have not asked or wanted to be a guy....I have felt comfortable in my own skin.....but now all my brain thinks is I am "a guy" and not a girl....I mean yeah I have felt self conscious about my body but that has been through looks etc. Not that its a girls body.....My question is......how did any FTM know they were or are guys? If you would like to share! <3

If people hate me for asking.....I am sorry..

I found out many years ago, but was 100 % sure in 2013-2014. I personally only liked Disney and Anime when i was a child (nothing wrong with someone liking it in adultage).

Quote from: BJ0909 on January 08, 2018, 11:23:46 PM
Ok I guess I shouldnt havent said anything..

Why do you feel that way? That's what places like this are for.

If you have second thoughts, doubt, wait. There is no rush. There is no deadline you need to keep. Take a step back and feel yourself.

I knew I was a boy when I first became self consious. About age 3. Mom tried to put cute girly cloths on me and I put up a fight and screamed until she took it off.

I started to have doubts in my teens when my body developed wrong. To a woman's body. I had never heared of transgender. I came out as bisexual. Most people thought I was gay. I dressed like a guy.

When I was about 30 I found out I am transgender. I found people like me on internet. I had a life crisis and ended up with psychosis and suicidal behavior. I could not find a way to be myself. I had two kids and a husband. A perfect life. And I was about to ruin it.

It took me 10 more years to become sure about who I really am. I am a guy. I have finally told my husband and he took it well. I am on the waiting list to gender therapy. I am finally on my way.

I am 100% sure. I have always been a guy. My psychiatrist since 15 years back once asked me if I have checked my T levels, that maybe I'm intersex. I behave male and move like a male. My psychiatrist said she has always seen me as male.

This is my story. Your story is different. And that is right too. You are you no matter if you feel a need to change or not.

Relaxe. There is no rush.


Tony

I guess it's down to how we feel inside, what we can relate to and the FEAR of transition.

Personally, I'm still not sure 100% but I know when I imagine myself as completely female I am at peace.  Then reality kicks in and I get depressed.  The thing is, I don't want to be Trans.  I want to be female because I strongly suspect that my brain/thought processes are female.  I really don't like or feel comfortable being addressed as male.  Every time it happens it feels wrong.  I don't fit in the male 'box' at all.  I interact with women much better and easier than with men.  I struggle relating to men and feel awkward.

Sometimes when I'm watching a music video I will just 'lock in' and mentally become the main female character and it's the best feeling in the world.  It's difficult to describe but it's me up there and not the artist.  It's a very weird feeling.  All the dysphoria melts away.  A few videos that do it for me are:  Annie Lennox:  little bird & walking on broken glass, Cher's Shoop Shoop Song and Britney's Overprotected.  There are many more but you get the idea.

Then denial kicks in and my mind tells me I can't possibly become a woman and stop being stupid it's a mental problem or I have other problems and they are manifesting themselves this way etc etc, but if I try to shut it out of my mind now I can feel my female self screaming 'don't let me go... it's taken me 43 years to get this far out and I'm not being shut back in'.  I'll be honest though, the thought of transition scares the sh*t out of me.  The thought of becoming a woman is the only thing keeping me going at the moment as I don't think I could live the next decade as a man.

I hope this gives you a flavour of my situation and although I'm not 100% sure I'm trans, I'm 100% sure I don't want to live as a man for any longer than I absolutely have to.

Quote from: VickyS on January 14, 2018, 03:49:00 PM
Then denial kicks in and my mind tells me I can't possibly become a woman and stop being stupid it's a mental problem or I have other problems and they are manifesting themselves this way etc etc, but if I try to shut it out of my mind now I can feel my female self screaming 'don't let me go... it's taken me 43 years to get this far out and I'm not being shut back in'.  I'll be honest though, the thought of transition scares the sh*t out of me.  The thought of becoming a woman is the only thing keeping me going at the moment as I don't think I could live the next decade as a man.

The concept of "becoming" a woman may be adding unfairly to your fears.  If you are indeed trans, and it sounds to me like you are, then you already are a woman and always have been.  Listen to that female self.  That's the real you.

Can you put some details on the fear?  Rather than calling it a fear OF something (transition), express it as a fear THAT something specific might happen.  What specific event(s) is/are causing the fear.  Once you put a face to it, it becomes less of a monster under the bed and more of something that you can take measures against.

Quote from: KathyLauren on January 14, 2018, 04:59:20 PM
The concept of "becoming" a woman may be adding unfairly to your fears.  If you are indeed trans, and it sounds to me like you are, then you already are a woman and always have been.  Listen to that female self.  That's the real you.

Can you put some details on the fear?  Rather than calling it a fear OF something (transition), express it as a fear THAT something specific might happen.  What specific event(s) is/are causing the fear.  Once you put a face to it, it becomes less of a monster under the bed and more of something that you can take measures against.

You are absolutely right.  I was in a dark place yesterday and did not word that correctly.  What I should have said was becoming a woman physically as in alter my body to match my mind.  It seems I am only truly happy when I DO listen to that female self.  The male self seems to be just a construct that I have created to protect myself from ridicule and disapproval. I know I do have a female mind, there is just too much evidence pointing to that fact.  It's just really difficult to try to undo 43 years of male conditioning and be free.

Details on the fear. Ok, it's fear of ridicule, being laughed at, people talking about me behind my back and becoming a figure of fun.  Being disowned by my father and him expressing extreme disgust and disappointment.  The way I feel at the moment, if we lived in a society where no-one cared how we looked and what gender we were, all those fears would melt away and I would transition in a heart-beat (well it's not that easy but you get the idea).

Thank you for asking those questions, they have helped me realise most of the conflict I have is just fear of what others think of me.  I hope this helps some others too.