I normally don't do this whole forum stuff but this time I feel like it's needed.  I am getting to a point where I feel like I want to puke every day. This is not exclusively due to dysphoria but that is a huge part of the problem. While I have been out publicly for the last four years I feel like the worst decision I ever made was coming out. Don't get me wrong it is not a decision I would change in a million years but... I was at least comfortable with my denial even if it meant I had to hide who I was and am. At least back then nobody treated me like a freak for simply being honest with them.. and yeah I still cried myself to sleep every night but at least I had a life outside the four walls that are my room. At least back then I had a ton of friends who would have happily dropped what they were doing to help me when I needed it..at least back then I had an anchor in the form of a girlfriend of 7 years with no fights or arguments. But more than anything I had people I cared about that had earned my total and complete trust. But the instant I spoke a word about how I had always felt alienated by my own body every single person I have ever trusted betrayed me or treated me like trash. For the first 2 years of being out nobody would use my preferred pronouns or call me Bella. Hell by the time I had gotten my mother to do so it had been 2 years. And lately I have been feeling like I am going insane. I usually can't tell if I am dreaming or awake. Why can't it all go away?! Why do I have to suffer for choosing to be myself rather than continue in agony  and putting everyone else before my needs?! Last I checked doing so was supposed to be a good thing so why do I have to suffer?! I can't even go out in public because I am so terrified what people will do when they figure me out that I literally can't move  from my bed if I know we I have guests over. Please I need a friend.

Hi Bella, do you have a support group in your area?  I've found the more I'm around other trans women the more comfortable I am with myself.  Plus it seems everybody has a technique to get over a social problem that I never would have thought of.  As these groups meet once a month I go to three different ones now.  The more social I am, the better I feel.  I encourage that, perhaps you can grow your social circle this way.  Then afterwards branch out into more conventional ways.  Another I'm trying this weekend is a meet-up group that is traditionally for women, a knitting circle.  I'm going as myself, presenting androgynously with painted nails and a purse.  I think it will go okay, since I'm there for the same reason they are.  I want to knit.

I hope for the best for you.

Bari Jo

Quote from: baelladora on January 10, 2018, 03:28:05 AM
I normally don't do this whole forum stuff but this time I feel like it's needed.  I am getting to a point where I feel like I want to puke every day. This is not exclusively due to dysphoria but that is a huge part of the problem. While I have been out publicly for the last four years I feel like the worst decision I ever made was coming out. Don't get me wrong it is not a decision I would change in a million years but... I was at least comfortable with my denial even if it meant I had to hide who I was and am. At least back then nobody treated me like a freak for simply being honest with them.. and yeah I still cried myself to sleep every night but at least I had a life outside the four walls that are my room. At least back then I had a ton of friends who would have happily dropped what they were doing to help me when I needed it..at least back then I had an anchor in the form of a girlfriend of 7 years with no fights or arguments. But more than anything I had people I cared about that had earned my total and complete trust. But the instant I spoke a word about how I had always felt alienated by my own body every single person I have ever trusted betrayed me or treated me like trash. For the first 2 years of being out nobody would use my preferred pronouns or call me Bella. Hell by the time I had gotten my mother to do so it had been 2 years. And lately I have been feeling like I am going insane. I usually can't tell if I am dreaming or awake. Why can't it all go away?! Why do I have to suffer for choosing to be myself rather than continue in agony  and putting everyone else before my needs?! Last I checked doing so was supposed to be a good thing so why do I have to suffer?! I can't even go out in public because I am so terrified what people will do when they figure me out that I literally can't move  from my bed if I know we I have guests over. Please I need a friend.

Never give up, keep pushing forward, and talk with a therapist about this, not good with advices, but i hope it helps.

Hi Bella, dont give up, fight it and try to work out how to live alittle. You need to do suff socially, it sounds like your going a little mad in isolation lol. I dont know whats in your area or how old you are but even if theres nothing and your old enough grab your shoes and bag and go to a bar (or even a coffee shop) and have a drink, dont go with expectations of even talking to anyone but it might do you good just to be around some folks.

You're always gonna find people like that, no matter where you are. But those people don't really matter. The best thing you can do is not let them get away with it. If someone stares at me, I give them a huge smile or blow a kiss at them or something to let them know what they are doing is wrong. Or say it's not my fault you find me attractive.

But sometimes it's just about the area that you live in. Like if you lived around me you could find quite a few people that would not only like you for who you are but admired you for being yourself. Come move to Belgium. But it's best to not let people like that get to you. Cause they are prolly hiding something about themselves, that they are too afraid to let everyone know. Almost everyone has their secrets that they are ashamed to admit. Those who make fun of others are usually the most insecure of them all. So acting like what they say doesn't bother you and turning it around on them really gets to them.

You need to meet some new people. It's hard for your friends, cause they've known you for so long as being someone else. But a new friends will only see you as bella and as a girl. It's just a different feeling, and it's really nice. Just find some other girls that seem nice and a bit chatty, and just be honest with them from the start. You'll be amazed how far that can take you. You can always pm or if you have discord, I have a group of people that I talk to who from all around the world, that are very open minded and lovely people.