Hi,

I'm Jennifer, I am writing this post to say hello. I am hoping some of you may be able to share some wisdom on my situation. This is from a MTF perspective.

I sometimes question where I am right now because when I was younger I didn't feel like I was a girl all along like a lot of transgender people do, I enjoyed being a boy (my counsellor says it doesn't matter how I got here, it matters that I am here now). There was a girl in my school who got migraines in the sun. I wanted to be like her so wished I would get migraines too (now I get them and they are not fun..). At around 11, I started cross-dressing.

I just lived as a boy that cross-dressed very regularly with underwear and when in private, tops and things. In Video games I only wanted to play female characters and had one online female alias that I used and identified with (I used it so much my best friend jokingly expected my female name to be that alias when I came out to him).

At 18, I discovered transsexual pornography. I found I would watch it but then afterwards would feel ashamed – why did I like that sort of thing? It made me question my sexuality which I wasn't ready to do so I brushed it away and ignored it. I discovered a Transgender documentary. After catching that, I started researching transgender MTF people from the show. I would admire that they had done that. I was jealous and around this time was when I remember first identifying with myself that I wish I had been born a woman. I have no attachment to being in a male body – I just happen to have one. Again, at the time I brushed it off "well that's how it is, tough!"

At 21 at Uni some female friends thought I would look really good dressed up as a woman because I was skinny, they wanted me to dress up for a night out in a dress and go as one of the girls. I was far too nervous to admit that I WANTED to do it! I was scared I would get sussed out as some weirdo. So, I said no but then kept bringing the idea up again in the hope they would encourage me to go through with it. One of my biggest regrets – it didn't happen.

Through the 20's I kept cross-dressing, but I was getting bolder I went out a few times I spent more time looking at crossdressing and transgender videos on YouTube. I should mention cross-dressing was largely a fetish thing for me until this point.

Now we're at the current time – 28. I started finding I was cross-dressing then going back to male mode without any sexual release. It had stopped being a fetish without me realising. I changed what I would wear to be more normal and less "sexy". I was also starting to get frustrated with cross-dressing. I would look in the mirror and see a man in female clothes which didn't both me before. I was starting to put on weight and my slender feminine appearance was starting to bulk out and become masculine. I hated it and immediately went on a diet.

I watched yet another transgender video but this time, instead of running away I asked a question of myself – is that me? Could I go through that? Oppps – that may be have been a mistake.

For the next month I became obsessed. I would leave my desk at work, so I could go to the loo go on my phone and research transitioning. I would get in from work and do the same. Where I spent so much time and energy on it I started having anxiety problems. With no one to talk to, I came out to my two best friends who have been great.

My wife could tell I was unhappy and thought it was work stress. That made things worse as I was lying to her. The Anxiety was soon accompanied by depression, so I booked in with a counsellor. A few weeks later I also told my wife what was going on as I couldn't stomach the sick feeling of lying to her.

At counselling I felt a bit lost. Being called by my male name didn't make me happy but nor did Alexa (the name I had picked for myself, love the name). My counsellor suggested that maybe the name was wrong. Alexa was a beautiful name, but I felt like it carried an image that didn't fit me. She gave examples of other names, one of which was Jennifer. I said I love that name and couldn't believe I had missed that off my list. "That's it, from now I'm calling you Jennifer" is what my counsellor said to me.

I will never forget what I felt in that moment. It fit perfectly. I didn't hesitate, that was me! Jenn, Jenny, Jennifer. Wow!

I started identifying inwardly as Jennifer from that moment onwards but that made everything so much worse.

I'm now in a place where I feel like I know who I am. I want to do things in life that I have never been able to do: I want to paint my nails, I want to try new make-up, I want to try new clothes, I want a tattoo on my ribs, I want a navel piercing, I want to re-decorate my room in pink because why the f*** not!? I want be known as Jennifer by my friends. I want to go to my favourite concert as Jennifer.

I look at myself in the mirror and hate parts of my body. I remove hair from my chest thinking it will ease body dysphoria, but it doesn't help – it's still not right. I get so jealous both of AFAB females and transwomen.

I recently had a day to be Jenn, I got dressed and looked in the mirror and tears came to my eyes. It feels so comfortable and now I'm improving my make-up skills, I look... nice!! The next day back as male-me, I felt awful.

I'm now three months into this explosion of emotion. The depression is severe and constant, I have pills for anxiety, but it doesn't help much. I'm trying to live for my wife because I love her so much but I'm just so miserable for it. We talked about middle-ground, non-transition options. I just can't see cross-dressing for 3 hours once a week as going to cut it though.

My sexuality has come into question too. I have for the last 28 years been a straight male. Now suddenly when a horny moment comes along, I find myself imaging being Jenn, with a... man!? Not only that, but its nice??? I've always been able to say if I think men are attractive or not, but I've never been sexually attracted to them (that probably doesn't make much sense). Now I find myself trying to pick between imaging myself with my wife, or imaging myself with a man with a female body. I pick the latter, then feel guilty! It's a weird feeling where I want to be the little spoon not the big spoon, I want to be the protected not the protector.

My counsellor describes me as basically having an affair with myself. I pick between Jennifer or my wife, someone gets hurt and I get hurt either way! How can you choose what is right in a situation like this? I've been with my wife for 10 years, but can you really deny who you are for someone else?

I suppose my questions are:
1.   What the heck is with the sexuality change? Is that even possible!?
2.   Am I misunderstanding this, am I over thinking my Crossdressing habits and I've got this all wrong?
3.   If I give this time, and don't transition, will my dysphoria/anxiety/depression get less (I know it won't go away, but will it become more manageable?)
4.   Is my lack of knowing I was a girl when I was younger and my fetish beginnings in cross-dressing a warning I'm wrong about how I feel and risk making a big mistake?
5.   Help!?
6.   Sorry this is so long ☹

Your anxiety won't be less unless you give it a try and then decide for yourself it's not for you. Forbidden fruit is extremely appealing as long as it is forbidden.

Middle of the ground non-transitioning option could be full-time dressing as Jennifer (or at least part time, except work and special occasions), having electrolysis, growing hair, maybe low-dose HRT... Not 3 hrs a week at home.

I dressed for about a year nearly full time, then it stopped bothering me that much. Obviously, I'm not cured (or I won't be here), but it took a lot of the edge now when I decided not to go any further. I know that I've done everything a crossdresser could do, yet it did not bring me happiness by itself.

And if you continue to deny it when you're in your 30s, it will get worse when you hit 40s and 50s

Thanks for the response

Quote"And if you continue to deny it when you're in your 30s, it will get worse when you hit 40s and 50s"

This is one of things I am terrified of.   

If I don't act now, it will come back later and i'll end up doing it anyway only later when I missed out on 10-20 years of being a woman.

I also feel like I'm at a good age to do it. Sure 18-24 would have been better - but i'm not 30 yet, so that's good right?

QuoteMiddle of the ground non-transitioning option could be full-time dressing as Jennifer (or at least part time, except work and special occasions), having electrolysis, growing hair, maybe low-dose HRT... Not 3 hrs a week at home.

One of the things that makes this so hard, is that my wife is not tolerant at all. Low-dose HRT is something I think about, she'd hate it as it would effect our chances of children and she'd live in fear I'd want to up the dose.

She also won't want to see me in female clothes at all so that won't work - the compromise was to dress when she was out (3 hours a week). Electrolysis is one thing I could do with my wife. I don't think the hair growing would work well either though.

I'm quite trapped..

Welcome to the site Jennifer.   

What the heck is with the sexuality change? Is that even possible!?

2 things: gender and sex

Sexuality change is changing your body(SEX) to match your internal sense of GENDER(feminine).  From what you've posted you are obviously, to me anyway, transgender and feminine. Since your inner sense of your gender is feminine changing your body to match your inner sense of gender is likely to bring you immense satisfaction and peace of mind.

2.   Am I misunderstanding this, am I over thinking my Crossdressing habits and I've got this all wrong?

Yes. You are overthinking this.  But unfortunately it's a natural part of the process. Stick with it. You'll get there. It gets better.  Many of us crossdress for many years as a coping mechanism because we fear the consequences of transitioning to female which, in my experience, is fearing the very thing one needs the most.

3.   If I give this time, and don't transition, will my dysphoria/anxiety/depression get less (I know it won't go away, but will it become more manageable?)

No. It will get worse. It always does.

4.   Is my lack of knowing I was a girl when I was younger and my fetish beginnings in cross-dressing a warning I'm wrong about how I feel and risk making a big mistake?

No.  What you experience is very common with transgender women.  Myself included.  I could have written your post. Except the part about marrying a woman. Just join a real life support group and listen to our stories in person and you will soon realize this is exactly where you belong.

Quote from: xJennMx on January 13, 2018, 08:09:40 AM

She also won't want to see me in female clothes at all so that won't work - the compromise was to dress when she was out (3 hours a week). Electrolysis is one thing I could do with my wife. I don't think the hair growing would work well either though.

I'm quite trapped..

There are only two possible outcomes - you stay with your wife, or you split.

If you stay - you'll be depressed, will be angrier and angrier with her, she will be fed up with your issues and lack of love and understanding, so sooner or later you'll start doing things behind her back and eventually your marriage is over. She will be bitter at you for ruining her life, and you will be bitter at her for preventing your self-exploration now (also ruining your life in a way).

If you split now and go for transition - both of you are relatively young to start over... you may even remain friends. You might be able to marry a nice guy, but you won't have any biological children (although adoption is an option). You're likely to lose all or most of your current friends, but you'll make new friends along the way.

She won't accept Jennifer... Jennifer has no place in your marriage. You won't be satisfied with being Jennifer at home only while she's not.

If you don't want to divorce now, go for electrolysis, it takes time and best be done before everything else. Maybe in the process, you'll reconsider your priorities and decide transition is too painful and not worth it....

You can try to find an outlet for Jennifer to be out. If your wife don't want to see her, you can take Jennifer outside home. I've been going en femme for hiking/camping for years - but it makes you feel bitter towards your partner, why of all the people who you meet on the trail and react positively to you, you're blessed with a partner who don't want to tolerate your freedom.

I think as rubbish as it is, you've pretty much nailed it.

The only blessing I have is that my closest friends, the ones I care about, I believe will still accept me. Its their support that I am counting on. Family I think will be the loss, they may suprise me though!

Thanks for the post though, its doom and gloom but actually helpful. I think your right about being young enough to rebuild too.

If I knew my wife would stay my close friend I think id know what to do.

At the moment im thinking, electrolysis as you suggested and just wait until I cant take it anymore then go for HRT...

You are 28, time to stop thinking and start doing. I let it fester for 60 years. It ruined one marriage and almost destroyed another but I convinced my wife that the stability of mind I achieve from HRT was worth whatever changes the hormones brought. So far I can't think of a better strategy. I've calmed down considerably, I've gone to therapy which still continues. .  I learned to speak and act properly. I've had most my facial hair removed.  I have even begun venturing outside. The best was when I spent four days at Gender Odyssey as Dawn. My wife accepts my choice and is willing to work our way through as we have every other roadblock we've encountered over our 35 years together. Not everyone is as lucky as I, unfortunately. I often wonder what if the mores of the 60's and 70's had allowed and encouraged gender exploration.  The relief I feel today from the weight of carrying a lie all these years make me feel light as a feather and relatively stress free.  I hope you can find the joy. I have found. It really is that good.

Doom and gloom isn't guaranteed, yet you should accept this possibility and if it happens - it better happens early.

When you came out to your wife, and she didn't like it, did she say she'd divorce you if you start HRT and live as a female? I am sure either she did, or it was implied. My point is that because she accepted possibility of a divorce - she gained an upper hand in dealing with you.

You must admit, you did not come out to here before the marriage and Jenny was not a part of the deal and it's as not fair to push her to accept Jenny as it would be unfair to force her to accept you taking a second wife. Some might be open to such idea, others won't. If you are serious about social transition, if you would start living your life day in and day out as Jennifer and don't do it only because of your wife - then you need to have a good talk with her (maybe facilitated with Gender Therapist, maybe not). You would need to tell her what is going to happen and that's not for negotiation, it's a medical need and if she doesn't like it, you need to split up now rather than after you become bitter enemies. This way, she'll have her chances to save the marriage, or to remain friends with you, or not. You cannot force her to make a decision you want, as much as she shouldn't force you to make a decision to stop being Jennifer.


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Your right doom and gloom isnt decided I see after getting over my sadness I would be incredibly happy living as Jen. Social transition is the hope after FFS.

She will tolerate a low dose of of HRT if I sell that as a mental aid rather than a transition tool. But it wont go down easily, it will definitely strain the relationship and her comfort with me.

I dont blame my wife for anything and im certainly not forcing her to accept me. I just dont want break her heart, she will be so upset.

Its overcoming the guilt and the fear of sadness lonliness and regret that are my problems.

I did a yearly plan from now to the age of 60. The next two year s favour being male because of how hard divorcing and transitioning will be. But but the next 58 seem better..

And Dawn, I think thats what im looking for, the courage to act before I regret it when I end uo transitioning at 40+

Hi Jennifer 

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Hugs

V M

   You will have to figure out your personal solution Jenn, but you are right to face this. There is no running from this powerful force. In my experience, once I let the trans Genie out of the bottle, there was no going back. I needed more and more. I figured I would let you know that possibility, even if you find it differently.
   I would suggest honesty with your partner. You should both receive respect from your partner, even if things don't work for a long term staying together situation. If you try to low key things, electrolysis or something for a while, you can keep talking and see if there is any room for attitudes to change. It can happen sometimes. She has had how much time to figure this out? I wouldn't lie to her or to yourself for that matter.
   If you fear that you are deceiving yourself, go get some experience out in public and see how you feel. I found that this told me a lot about how real it was when others reacted to me as female. I loved it.
   Attraction change can happen especially after HRT. Some will say it is a separate thing, identity and orientation, but I am not sure this is always true.
    I wish you luck and happiness.
Moni

QuoteIn my experience, once I let the trans Genie out of the bottle, there was no going back. I needed more and more.

This feels exactly like what is happening to me, I'm getting swept along. Truth be told though, although there is a lot of scary stuff and sadness etc, I like what is happening. I feel alive and am incredibly excited as well as nervous for the future.

QuoteShe has had how much time to figure this out?

Granted not long, about a month? She may become more accepting but I don't think it will ever get to the stage where we can stay together. Weirdly, when I picture life in the future as full-time Jenn, I don't see my wife there. I don't know if that's because I know she will leave or something else.

QuoteIf you fear that you are deceiving yourself, go get some experience out in public and see how you feel.

This is something I was trying to avoid. When I planned my transition I thought about not being out full-time publicly until 12-16 months of HRT and FFS. I wanted to avoid the male in female clothes feeling. I'm generally in the stance that enforcing RLE for HRT is cruel.

With that said though, I feel there are a few things to gain from going out at least a few times now.
1. Confidence, and as you said, to know what it feels like when people look at/greet me.
2. If I go out now pre-everything, it can only get better from here. So if I can do it now thats a good sign.

I am trying to go to my next counselling session this Wednesday as me - it will be the first time (eeeep!). My counsellor suggested going in and getting changed in the bathroom then going through to the room. I am incredibly scared, but I am actually going to try my best to be ready before, drive there, get out the car, walk to the building, go in, pass the receptionist to the room, have the session and then drive home.

I don't know how I'm going to sort it out without getting ready in my car in the dark.. and I don't when I will have time to do make-up which probably means going without which will make me feel a little insecure, but I feel like the challenge would be testing and may give some answers.

If I'm too scared to do it that way, maybe this isn't right for me?

Quote from: xJennMx on January 14, 2018, 11:47:43 AM
If I'm too scared to do it that way, maybe this isn't right for me?

Maybe you are not ready yet? Maybe you need to sort out things with your wife first?

And if you aren't so sure you want to be seen as Jen by neighbors, maybe it's even harder for her to be seen as Jen's wife?

I've gone out en femme during the night and maybe a few times I'll still be dressed out during the morning on my way back home. It just feels right. Even though sometimes I get weird reactions from people all the other times are worth it enough to give transitioning a try.

I think you should talk to your wife again. Tell her how you feel. It might take time and since you plan on waiting a couple more years I think you're realistic. It might be sooner that you find yourself taking the steps you need.

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I'd just like to say a massive thank you to everyone that has replied to me. I can't tell you all how much it helps and how much I appreciate it. Some of your words really provide a level of comfort and help me know I'm in the right place. Other words help me to think about myself in a different perspective.

QuoteAnd if you aren't so sure you want to be seen as Jen by neighbors, maybe it's even harder for her to be seen as Jen's wife?

Happy to be seen by neighbours as Jenn when I am full-time. Less happy about just alerting the neighbours to some weird cross-dressing habit one time. And your right about my wife - didn't think of it that way.

QuoteIt might be sooner that you find yourself taking the steps you need.

I booked in with some private gender specialists in February - I believe they can shortcut the massive 6+ months waiting lists of not going privately. I am going to see them when I am back from holiday.

I had a light bulb moment today.

We went shopping for new holiday clothes. Into New Look we went. I was like a child with too many sweets! I didn't realise how nice the clothes were in there! I could spend a fortune in there given the chance. Maybe another day, or another life, because today we were heading upstairs to the mens..

I tried on a pair of skinny stretch mens jeans which to be honest, are basically just womens jeans. You have to be bold to wear these I thought, but given my current gender confusion, I like them. Wife took one look and said absolutely not, too feminine... I can start to see how this is going to be a problem if I don't find a resolution.

On to the sports shop for running trainers!

I know off the bat, the pink ones are a no go! Then I spot a pair of black/grey trainers with a baby blue/green inner fabric and laces, nice! I like those! I point them out to my wife "What you mean the womens trainers, you can't wear them" she then picks up a nice male set. Yep, they're great but... I don't want them, I want the other ones..

On the way home I realised something. I've been viewing this whole thing in a very black or white manner. I either don't transition, or I tell my wife right now that I want to and that's the end of the marriage. It's the feeling that I have to push a button that ends our marriage that is stopping me moving forwards.

I had a slight thought... What if.. what if I just move forwards one step at a time. I'm not going to tell my wife I have decided to transition, but I will just explore things I want to explore at a slow pace (being honest with my wife the whole way). She then has to be the one to push the big horrible button if and when its too far for her.

If she chooses to push it, I can at that point decide if the current thing i'm exploring is something I can give up for the marriage or not, if I can't then it's her walking away, not me asking for a divorce.

I don't know why, but that makes it seem easier to move forwards. I'm just exploring me, I have to.. Does that make me a terrible person?

I feel like this is the only way I can move forward, is if instead of it being a divorce my wife to transition or don't, it becomes a "im going to explore myself - I hope you are ok with that". Is this bad or wrong of me?

I agree you don't have to hide things from your wife. If you take small steps and she knows I'm sure she'll chime in. It's not even about her having to decide on leaving you but how you feel throughout the process. Also how she feels- you keeping her in the loop is so important. It's an easier pill for her to swallow right now since you're starting with clothing. That's a good first step to warm things up. And sounds fun!

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Quote from: xJennMx on January 14, 2018, 04:04:54 PM
I feel like this is the only way I can move forward, is if instead of it being a divorce my wife to transition or don't, it becomes a "im going to explore myself - I hope you are ok with that". Is this bad or wrong of me?

Do you want to see how it will work? Tell her you are going to have your body waxed. No more hair on your legs, bodybuilder look, she should be totally ok with that, right?

And if she doesn't freak out then and there - go for electrolysis, take care of facial hair for good. That will do a lot of good to you if you decide to continue afterward... (that is probably the best step you could do before HRT and it takes a lot of time to finish).

Quote from: xJennMx on January 14, 2018, 11:47:43 AM

This is something I was trying to avoid. When I planned my transition I thought about not being out full-time publicly until 12-16 months of HRT and FFS. I wanted to avoid the male in female clothes feeling. I'm generally in the stance that enforcing RLE for HRT is cruel.

With that said though, I feel there are a few things to gain from going out at least a few times now.
1. Confidence, and as you said, to know what it feels like when people look at/greet me.
2. If I go out now pre-everything, it can only get better from here. So if I can do it now thats a good sign.

I am trying to go to my next counselling session this Wednesday as me - it will be the first time (eeeep!). My counsellor suggested going in and getting changed in the bathroom then going through to the room. I am incredibly scared, but I am actually going to try my best to be ready before, drive there, get out the car, walk to the building, go in, pass the receptionist to the room, have the session and then drive home.

I don't know how I'm going to sort it out without getting ready in my car in the dark.. and I don't when I will have time to do make-up which probably means going without which will make me feel a little insecure, but I feel like the challenge would be testing and may give some answers.

If I'm too scared to do it that way, maybe this isn't right for me?

   I think what you said here is very important. Your fear and your desire to be who you are are two separate things. You can be trans and in great need of transition and be too terrified to move. That to me is the greatest sadness.
   I would strongly urge you to start tackling your fear now. Not to be disrespectful to you but putting off dealing with it is, I think, fooling yourself.  I started going out before I had FFS and went full time. I hated that period of time, I really was so self conscious. That time was so important to me though. I  started to realize that I could do it.I learned that it was right for me even with all the fear and dissatisfaction  with my look. It was  basic training for when I really was presenting fully female and later transitioning. Your biggest enemy is going to be fear. If you put off dealing with fear you will become anxious that you aren't doing the things you need to. Saying that fear will be less later is not realistic. It will still be there. I read a book on fear when I started to present in public. It said that you have to make yourself do what you need to with that fear right there. Just do it, then feel better. The more you do, the better you will feel. There is no escaping the roller coaster of transition. You will have great days and horrible days, but gradually it will get better. Looking back, so much of what I feared never came close to happening.
Moni
I have written this before but one thing I used to do was to wear ladies sunglasses for a while. I  was so convinced everyone was staring at me. When I wore the sunglasses no one could see my eyes. I would look at people as they passed and found out people were minding their own business, not even looking at me. It really helped me relax. Just a thought. I am rooting for you.

Hi, Jenn.

I am sorry that you are facing such a dilemma. 

I like your idea of taking small steps and letting your wife decide when she's had enough.  Be realistic, though.  When you get a taste of freedom and realize what you've been missing, your dysphoria may get worse rather than better.  Where would that leave you and her?  Would you be able to apply the brakes and not go any further to keep her happy?  How would you feel about that?  (Those are rhetorical questions.  I am not asking for answers.  But you should be thinking about them.)

I knew when I came out to my wife that I had to prepare myself for all possible outcomes.  I had every reason to expect that she would be fine with my transition, but there was aways the possibility that she might not.  After all, she didn't marry Kathy.  So I was not able to come out to her until I was clear in my own mind that I would let her leave if that's what she wanted.  I got lucky and she stayed, and I realize that your circumstances are different.  Still, preparing yourself for all possible outcomes will help you move forward.

Don't assume that you will lose all your friends.  I live in a very rural area, full of very conservative farmers, fishermen and hillbillies. Yet I have not had a single negative reaction to my coming out.  It is a very small community, so everyone knew within 30 minutes of making my announcement to the community association.  The reactions ranged from polite acceptance to enthusiastic support.  Of course, you can't count on that, but it is 2018, and people's attitudes are not what they were 15 or 20 years ago.

Hi Jenn! I don't have anything else to add, everyone else covered that pretty well.