I don't know why it freaked you out. It sounds like this is the first time you've ever crushed on a guy. Maybe realizing you can feel that way about a guy was a shock to you. Maybe it scared you? I don't know why you feel that way. I will say that liking a guy is nothing you need to repress or stress over. It's not even about the fact you're female. Even if you were a guy it still wouldn't be anything to stress over. People can't help who they find attractive. Before transition I did stress out over being trans but the fact I've always been attracted to guys never stressed me out and I was never ashamed of it or weirded out because of it. My dad caught me giving a boy a BJ when I was 14.  I was embarrassed of course but I was embarrassed in general, not at all because I was doing it with a boy. Transition is stressful enough. Don't add to that by stressing over crushing on a guy. It happens.

It isn't that it freaked me out or that I didn't know it was possible, but that it just makes me feel oddly embarrassed, not for being attracted to a guy, but I guess... I dunno, for having those thoughts about someone I knew "before". It breaks that divide between my old life and my new life in a way that I have not experienced before I suppose is the big thing.

Sort of like... if I met someone in a year(not even in a romantic way necessarily), and there is a photo album chronicling the relationship. It would be them and the new me, all is well and good. With people I knew before, the album may contain them and the new me, but it would be right alongside them and the me with 100 extra pounds, a beard, and no passion for the future. With family or friends, that's one thing. But the second you toss attraction into the mix, I envision that same discomfort I'm feeling now when old me is in the equation at all.

I dunno, I know it's not something to worry about or think about too much, but I at least needed to talk through it I guess.

It's you opening up, and probably comes mostly from finally accepting yourself.

I've mentioned it before, but after accepting myself I realized that I was actually attracted to a guy that's one of my only friends for like 18 years. It really surprised me, but I was strangely OK with it. My biggest problem is worrying if he'd ever be interested in me! Though, I am a bit more nervous around him now. As much as I want to be with him, I also don't want to risk losing his friendship.

Like you, I had imagined relationships with guys (or really anyone - i'm pretty much pan myself) in an abstract way. I also never let myself really look at guys before (I was denying that attraction as much as I was denying my own true gender), so now I have been and trying to find what I find attractive in them. Sure, guys like Hemsworth & Evans are super hot, but how about more realistic guys? The occasional guys I see at work or out & about that I think 'Wow, he's cute / hot!' are pretty different, so I'm still not sure if there IS anything specific.

Like Julia said, you can't really decide who you're attracted to, it just happens. 'Roll' with it! 

Ahh, I love hearing of crushes.  It's always weirdly irrational,  uncomfortable, yet feels great.  Just wait till you start flirting.  Every time I've done that it surprises me.  I think, am I really doing this?  And your body says hell yes you are!

Bari Jo

I've only had one crush that really confused me. When I was 16 I started crushing on one of my brother's friends. It confused me because up until then I couldn't stand that guy. He was one of those guys with a gorgeous face and body but a totally revolting personality. He was a total TOOL. I used to ask my brother why he was even friends with that ->-bleeped-<-. Then I end up crushing on him! WTF? I would tell myself, yes he's hot but it's Tim. TIM! How could you be crushing on Tim? Thankfully my crush didn't last long. But realizing it was possible to crush on someone that you couldn't stand up to that point kind of freaked me out. What a dirty trick of biology!

Quote from: Julia1996 on January 14, 2018, 08:56:03 AM
I've only had one crush that really confused me. When I was 16 I started crushing on one of my brother's friends. It confused me because up until then I couldn't stand that guy. He was one of those guys with a gorgeous face and body but a totally revolting personality. He was a total TOOL. I used to ask my brother why he was even friends with that ->-bleeped-<-. Then I end up crushing on him! WTF? I would tell myself, yes he's hot but it's Tim. TIM! How could you be crushing on Tim? Thankfully my crush didn't last long. But realizing it was possible to crush on someone that you couldn't stand up to that point kind of freaked me out. What a dirty trick of biology!

There's a guy that's been coming into my work for years, and we usually talk for quite a while (we're both big Star Wars & sci-fi fans, as well as super heroes). I don't know if I'd call us friends, since we've never done anything outside of work (probably should have!). Anyway, I've started noticing he is kind of cute, in a scruffy way. But he's so arrogant!! Not in a 'I'm a superior example of male-nes' kind of way, but, well let's use an example - he was taking a creative writing course and always complained that his professor was 'nitpicking' his writing, and just didn't understand it. So, that kind of arrogant. I also recently discovered he's bi, so that may have increased my interest... I don't know if I can get past that attitude or not. He still doesn't know about my transition yet, though he is suspicious (he's the one who a couple months ago made the comment that I looked '15 years younger, or more feminine').

Quote from: Sarah_P on January 14, 2018, 12:34:28 PM
There's a guy that's been coming into my work for years, and we usually talk for quite a while (we're both big Star Wars & sci-fi fans, as well as super heroes). I don't know if I'd call us friends, since we've never done anything outside of work (probably should have!). Anyway, I've started noticing he is kind of cute, in a scruffy way. But he's so arrogant!! Not in a 'I'm a superior example of male-nes' kind of way, but, well let's use an example - he was taking a creative writing course and always complained that his professor was 'nitpicking' his writing, and just didn't understand it. So, that kind of arrogant. I also recently discovered he's bi, so that may have increased my interest... I don't know if I can get past that attitude or not. He still doesn't know about my transition yet, though he is suspicious (he's the one who a couple months ago made the comment that I looked '15 years younger, or more feminine').

Maybe he's making those "arrogant" comments to gain your sympathy?

BTW, is it just me or does there seem to be a vast majority of syfy/fantasy buffs in our sisterhood?

Quote from: Sarah_P on January 14, 2018, 12:34:28 PM
There's a guy that's been coming into my work for years, and we usually talk for quite a while (we're both big Star Wars & sci-fi fans, as well as super heroes). I don't know if I'd call us friends, since we've never done anything outside of work (probably should have!). Anyway, I've started noticing he is kind of cute, in a scruffy way. But he's so arrogant!! Not in a 'I'm a superior example of male-nes' kind of way, but, well let's use an example - he was taking a creative writing course and always complained that his professor was 'nitpicking' his writing, and just didn't understand it. So, that kind of arrogant. I also recently discovered he's bi, so that may have increased my interest... I don't know if I can get past that attitude or not. He still doesn't know about my transition yet, though he is suspicious (he's the one who a couple months ago made the comment that I looked '15 years younger, or more feminine').

It sounds like he has that " I'm so much smarter than everyone else they don't understand me" type of arrogance which also includes a know it all attitude a lot of times. That would drive me totally nuts. I can't even imagine having a relationship with someone like that. Tim had the " I'm more manly and hotter than any other guy" attitude which is just as nauseating. What made my crush even worse was that my brother knew about it and teased me over it. He could tell I had a crush on Tim and he asked me if I did and I said of course not. But me turning as red as an apple was a dead giveaway for him. He said he wondered how Tim would react if someone told him. I told him if he ever said anything to him about it I would cut his tongue out while he was sleeping.

Quote from: Julia1996 on January 14, 2018, 12:50:38 PM
It sounds like he has that " I'm so much smarter than everyone else they don't understand me" type of arrogance which also includes a know it all attitude a lot of times. That would drive me totally nuts. I can't even imagine having a relationship with someone like that. Tim had the " I'm more manly and hotter than any other guy" attitude which is just as nauseating. What made my crush even worse was that my brother knew about it and teased me over it. He could tell I had a crush on Tim and he asked me if I did and I said of course not. But me turning as red as an apple was a dead giveaway for him. He said he wondered how Tim would react if someone told him. I told him if he ever said anything to him about it I would cut his tongue out while he was sleeping.

Sounds like something Lorena Bobbit would do.

Quote from: Cali on January 14, 2018, 12:49:26 PM
Maybe he's making those "arrogant" comments to gain your sympathy?

BTW, is it just me or does there seem to be a vast majority of syfy/fantasy buffs in our sisterhood?

I like Syfy. I bet Roll goes to sci-fi conventions and does cosplay characters. Lol

Quote from: Cali on January 14, 2018, 12:52:35 PM
Sounds like something Lorena Bobbit would do.

No, just his tongue not his junk. Knowing him he would rather loose his tongue than Mr. Happy. Lol

Quote from: Julia1996 on January 14, 2018, 12:54:49 PM
No, just his tongue not his junk. Knowing him he would rather loose his tongue than Mr. Happy. Lol

LOL, I was almost certain you wouldn't know who she was

Quote from: Julia1996 on January 14, 2018, 12:52:46 PM
I like Syfy. I bet Roll goes to sci-fi conventions and does cosplay characters. Lol

Not yet I don't!! That's for the future!

Quote from: Julia1996 on January 14, 2018, 12:54:49 PM
No, just his tongue not his junk. Knowing him he would rather loose his tongue than Mr. Happy. Lol

... Out of all the pre-millennial pop cultures references you instantly recognized, it was Lorena Bobbit? I love you.

Quote from: Cali on January 14, 2018, 12:49:26 PM
Maybe he's making those "arrogant" comments to gain your sympathy?

BTW, is it just me or does there seem to be a vast majority of syfy/fantasy buffs in our sisterhood?

Actually, if it's because he thinks I'm smart enough to understand what his teachers don't, that's kind of flattering (if misguided).
I like to think being a sci-fi / fantasy fan results in an expanded consciousness, allowing us to accept things outside standard societal acceptance or understanding. Then again, that sounds a little arrogant too, doesn't it? Most likely many of us have fantasized about being our correct gender, and immersing ourselves in entertainment that brings fantasies to life helps relieve the dysphoria.

Quote from: Julia1996 on January 14, 2018, 12:50:38 PM
It sounds like he has that " I'm so much smarter than everyone else they don't understand me" type of arrogance which also includes a know it all attitude a lot of times. That would drive me totally nuts. I can't even imagine having a relationship with someone like that. Tim had the " I'm more manly and hotter than any other guy" attitude which is just as nauseating. What made my crush even worse was that my brother knew about it and teased me over it. He could tell I had a crush on Tim and he asked me if I did and I said of course not. But me turning as red as an apple was a dead giveaway for him. He said he wondered how Tim would react if someone told him. I told him if he ever said anything to him about it I would cut his tongue out while he was sleeping.

'Hell hath no fury like a sister pissed off'. 

Quote from: Julia1996 on January 14, 2018, 12:52:46 PM
I like Syfy. I bet Roll goes to sci-fi conventions and does cosplay characters. Lol

I used to do cosplay at anime conventions back in the early days of those conventions, before cosplay became some big industry. Despite the number of 'crossplayers' there were in those days, I never did any of that, though there's so many female characters I wanted to cosplay as. 

Quote from: Sarah_P on January 14, 2018, 02:02:03 PM
I used to do cosplay at anime conventions back in the early days of those conventions, before cosplay became some big industry. Despite the number of 'crossplayers' there were in those days (like, huge hairy guys dressed as Sailor Moon), I never did any of that, though there's so many female characters I wanted to cosplay as. 

While I never did cosplay (only been to one convention ever when I was like... 15 maybe?) before, I am pretty excited to try it in the future as female characters. No interest being male characters at all, just... none. Oh those silly trans red flags.

Quote from: Cali on January 14, 2018, 12:49:26 PM
BTW, is it just me or does there seem to be a vast majority of syfy/fantasy buffs in our sisterhood?

Probably related to the large number of people working in IT.  Computers and game characters don't judge.

Quote from: KathyLauren on January 14, 2018, 02:19:54 PM
Probably related to the large number of people working in IT.  Computers and game characters don't judge.

Also, until the 2000s they were the callings of the introvert. Which by our nature, we are driven to. :/

I had feelings about this too. It's kind of a current struggle. Pretty sure I'm pan, but... then again not really. i think I'm gonna post about this in the appropriate forum.