I'm Ftm and struggling man. I know I'm on the way to getting testosterone but it gets really hard when you know your body will be growing incorrectly and you will look twelve for the next 9 months until your first T appointment, and even after that you might have to wait because you're going to need blood work. It's killing me. I'm happy to be on my way but it really hurts knowing I'm going to have to wait this long. I wanted to finish this year with at least a drop of T in me. I want my voice to drop, I'm tired of looking like a little kid. I want to hit puberty but not the one that is preprogrammed, I want to replace that software with more applicable programs. Is anyone in the same boat? Have any of you guys been here? How can I help myself during the dreadful waiting list? Anything helps, its just getting really hard to stay chill right now when my body is turning so violently against me.

Working out helped me at that age. At least, it made me feel a sense of working toward something, getting some results and staving off the unwanted ones as much as possible for a while. I had approx 1 year wait for T, which I spent doing things like improving fitness and diet since it felt like an ice age of waiting. I also worked on a plan of stuff I was going to do once I did get the T and surgery, so I was ready to put it into action as soon as I did without wasting any time.   

hey, i was in the same boat up until i finally started hrt. i'm also ftm, and i definitely understand the struggle. i've been out as a trans man for almost 4 years and just started testosterone last month- so i understand the wait. what i did during that time was experiment with different diets that helped increase testosterone, worked out, and basically daydreamed over what i would look like lmao. i think the whole idea is to just let each do go by, and to do the things you love to do. for example, since i'm in school, i just focused on my school work and studying, but i also love to paint. in my free time i would do that nonstop. i hope you feel better soon.

What can I even say..... I've been waiting forever myself. Hang in there! You are already about to start T in the near future! As others have stated, working out might really help.

1) exercise in general is good for your mental health and helps with anxiety, depression etc. (it works as an antidepressant)
2) It gets your thoughts away from everything!
3) You will be delighted to see the effects! You are able to bulk up even without T.
4) And generally it's good for your health!

So. Working out/exercising, maybe legally changing your name, socially transitioning, buying new clothes etc. etc. etc. all help! Just focus on the outcome! Today is sucky - but in 1-2 years your life will be totally different!!!

I also recommend posting here & hanging out with other trans people or going to some LGBT group.

Maybe these help too:

Words of encouragement to your pre-transition self
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,231252.0.html

These words have given me hope (by Elis):
That although life seems to suck atm one day you will be free of the constant feeling of self conscious and wrongness weighing you down. You will get to a point were you feel comfortable within your body. Don't give up just yet; just get through today

How to Cope with Not Being Able to Transition
https://www.wikihow.com/Cope-with-Not-Being-Able-to-Transition

The strength you gained through all of this?
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,231820.0.html

Hardest part in transitioning?
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,232785.0.html

What have been your coping strategies pre-transition?
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,235065.0.html

Transitioning and bad luck by November Fox
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,235425.0.html

To those who are in pain by November Fox
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,233611.msg2083828.html#msg2083828

Especially liked this, by Kylo:
The only room we cannot escape from is the human condition. All other dark rooms we find ourselves in and feel trapped in had a door into them and most likely have a door out of them as well. The pain of the moment lies in having sight too short to see the door and thinking this room will be the rest of your life. But the door is there somewhere. You just have to get up from the corner you're in and feel around for it.

Encouragement to those who are suicidal
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,234709.0.html

Things that have improved your self-esteem?
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,234930.0.html

Things you expect from 2018 transition-wise?
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,232341.0.html

Things you've accomplished in 2018 transition-wise?
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,234844.0.html