I meant to make a post right on the day of my 6 months since starting HRT.  But I was busy and missed it 2 days ago.   

  I can't believe it's been 6 months already!!!  It's been quite a journey so far, and feels like I'm just getting started at the same time!

  My boobs are already quite a nice size.  I am definitely looking forward to them getting bigger, but at the same time, if they were to stop growing right now, I don't think I would be all that disappointed believe it or not.  It would be nice for them to get a fair amount bigger so as to just give me a more feminine appearance as far as my body shape goes.

  Speaking of my body shape..........lately I have noticed I am very gradually developing a more female body shape as far as a narrower waste, and my hips and butt have most definitely started to accumulate a bit more of my body fat as it has distributed to those locations.  When I feel my own butt with my hand, I can feel a definite increase in size.  It's amazing!  And like I said, my hips are just a little bit wider than they were before. 

  My face.....while I still don't necessarily feel like my face looks "feminine" yet, it has only been 6 months, but it trips me out so bad when I see pictures of myself from last year.  I totally don't look like myself!  I look like some strange person that I don't know anymore.  I have become used to the subtle changes in my face, and how I look now.  So even though there are not any real drastic changes in my face, it is enough that it freaks me out a bit to see older pics of myself.

On my wedding day September 10th 2016
  wedding by

Today
1-15-2018hair by

  I still have a long way to go, but am quite happy with how things have been going so far.

  My family still won't accept the real me.  They still talk to me, but they definitely do not use the correct pronouns or anything and my mom has told me that she will NEVER be able to accept me as a woman, and she has not changed on that.  My dad still talks to me somewhat normal, but it completely freaks him out and I can tell that things would be very weird if I were to go around them in girl mode. 

  Things with my wife are great!  We have sex less than we used to, but are still able to pretty successfully since things are still working pretty good.  There for a while, a couple months into being on HRT, I was way more turned on all the time than I was before.  It was weird.  I was feeling the need to release pressure every single day.  But now luckily that has slowed way down, and the desire pretty much just isn't really there anymore.

  Even though I have always known I was a girl........I have spent most of my life very much feeling like I am in a mans body.  But lately, I have been starting to feel more and more like I actually have a female body.  Sometimes I will dream at night, and in my dream I am 100 percent girl.  And it's awesome to wake up having experienced that.

  I luckily have maintained my weight since starting HRT.  I've been bouncing between 163-172 consistently for a couple years now, and that has not changed since being on HRT.  When I am closer to 172, I have a little bit of a gut in the front that causes me pretty bad dysphoria since it is a very man like gut.  I am much happier with my shape when I am down closer to 160.  But tend to be happier with how my face looks, when I am closer to 172.  So I can't fully win.  Ha ha.  But oh well,

  My butt has gotten big enough that it no longer hurts to sit for long periods.  So that is great! 

   The more dense breast tissue that I can feel, is bigger than a golf ball now, which results in breasts that are fairly decent sized and fill an A cup bra quite nicely now.  At only 6 months on HRT! 

   Just a few days ago I had my 5th IPL hair removal session on my face, and have been quite happy with the results!  It gets kind of discouraging at times because of the growth cycles of the hair folicles.  After a treatment, my facial hair will grow a lot and really coarse for a couple weeks and cause me to have to shave quite often again, and gives me a lot of dysphoria, but then for about a week, I don't have to shave hardly at all, and my face is so nice and smooth, then after about another week, it is back to growing fairly fast again, and I have another session, and it starts the cycle of growing really coarse and fast again for a couple weeks.  So I get only about a week of feeling good like I have nice smooth, feminine facial skin.  AHHHH!!!  But the guy that I've been going to, says that based on his prior experience, my hair folicles are responding really well to the treatment, and that probably about 10 treatments will have me completely hair free.  I really hope that's true, because I do not want to have to do electrolysis, but am recognizing there is a significant chance that I will have to based on others experience.

  Unlike some, I most definitely want to have GCS.  I still greatly struggle with what that means for my wife, and I suffer a terrible amount of guilt over that, and know that it is only going to get worse after it's done.  We are still a long way off from that, but I just like to type out my thoughts at this stage in this whole transition process.  I know I will not feel right until I no longer have a penis, and have the right parts.  But it makes me extremely sad and guilt ridden to think of taking that away from my wife.  Because I love her so much, and no strap on or anything else could ever fully replicate that connection that is shared through the kind of sex we are able to have now.  But......our sex is such a small part of our existence together.  The majority of our time together is spent going out shopping together, and going to movies and to dinner and coffee shops and things.  All things that I would LOVE to do as a girl.  So I have to recognize that sacrificing our current method of sex, for a greater long term good and happiness and well being, is worth it.

  A couple months ago my wife took me to a Sephora makeup store, and we had one of the people there teach me how to do my makeup.  A very nice, very gay guy taught me, and then my wife took me around the store helping me to pick out various makeup items that I would like, and she got me my own makeup bag so we could keep our stuff separate.  So it's nice that in the past, I really wanted to put on makeup before going out, but it was always awkward, and I felt embarrassed about it.  But to have her make it clear that she is okay with it by actually helping me buy the makeup and setting me up with my makeup bag and things, and then giving me time before we leave, to do my own, really helps tremendously!  It is those little things that make all the difference in the world!  It's too easy for our supportive partners and things to "accidentally" not be supportive at times when they don't even realize it.  My wife and I have had a few talks about it, and how because I am in the position I am in, it helps tremendously when she recognizes that I might be hesitant to wear a certain clothing item or something, but she can tell that I want to, rather than just walking off and letting me succumb to my own fears and self doubt, she is really good at instead telling me "Oh yeah, you should wear that!  It's really cute!"  So then I can put it on with full confidence in myself, and not feel like she might be thinking I am weird, or that she is going to be embarrassed to be seen with me dressed that way.

  We have a husband and wife that we became really good friends with last year.  They are both cis, and heterosexual, but they are extremely open minded and just great people!  They have us over to their house for dinner every couple months, and we have them over to ours every couple months.  They know I am trans, and have no problems with it.  Last month when we went to their house for dinner, my wife told me that I should wear the sweater dress that she had just helped me pick out and buy.  Since it is colder than hell here now, she suggested that I should wear my darker skinny jeans under it.  So it was awesome to for kind of the first time, to actually go be around other people with a dress on.  It just felt so right, and amazing!  And made me so happy!  And I love so much that my wife is so supportive and understanding of what I need from her as far as that kind of encouragement and reassuring gestures that give me the confidence to dress in ways I absolutely want to, but might otherwise lack confidence in, and would let my own fears control me. 

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  As for my wig......I still have not worn it out and about again ever since November when she helped me buy it.  I wore it all over Denver the day we bought it, and that was great, but then I wore it around Colorado Springs the next day, and it caused so much discomfort for her, and she made it clear that it bothered her for me to wear it, and she told someone else that she couldn't even walk with me in the grocery store because it was embarassing to her that I still looked and sounded so much like a man, but now suddenly have long hair, that I put it in the closet and have not worn it around her ever since.  It was a $400 wig.  And in my closet it sits every day because I am too afraid to wear it now because of that situation.  It carries serious negative feelings for me now.  I wish so bad that I could just wear it all day every day and get fully used to it, and let her get used to it.  But I am waiting for her to tell me that she is okay with me wearing it again, or waiting for her to atleast ask me "Are you going to wear your wig tonight?"  Or anything to make me feel that reassurance from her that it is not going to be a problem again.  I don't know if she is wanting me to figure out how to "Pass" before I wear it, or what.  I had reached the point where I recognized that because of my build and things, I probably will NEVER be able to "Pass" and therefore, I decided that I wanted to just be happy, and dress the way I want to now and not wait for the day when I can "Pass" before going out in public.

   I wish so freaking bad that I had the ability to just grow my own hair out!  Because I would have started a long time ago letting it grow out, and it would have caused a natural slow progression to female, that everyone around me would have gotten used to over a long period of time.  But this being bald is incredibly &*%ed up! And it puts me in a type of incredibly difficult dysphoria that many trans people do not have to deal with.  Here I am definitely seeing results from the HRT, and that is great, but still feeling very much like a "Man" because of my bald head and my deep voice.  My insurance will pay for vocal therapy to learn how to talk more feminine, but I have to go over an hour away to do that, so I haven't started that yet.

Why not ask your wife to help you find a better wig? Better not in terms of quality, but style. I had some $200 long-hair wigs that weren't me, and found a great $40 short style one which I loved to wear (until it got worn out).

Maybe she's not against the wig itself, but rather its style?


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Quote from: elkie-t on January 15, 2018, 02:48:02 PM
Why not ask your wife to help you find a better wig? Better not in terms of quality, but style. I had some $200 long-hair wigs that weren't me, and found a great $40 short style one which I loved to wear (until it got worn out).

Maybe she's not against the wig itself, but rather its style?


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  That is a good point and suggestion.  She was the one sitting there helping the hair stylist to pick this one out, out of all the different ones we tried, and this was the one we all gravitated towards including her.  But maybe subconsciously she doesn't like it.  When we went wig shopping, I had no idea what my style was going to be, and what would look good on me.  So the wig lady was a tremendous help using her vast experience in helping people choose wigs.   She knew what was likely to look good on me, and we left there feeling very happy and content.  So I don't know.

Quote from: LaRell on January 15, 2018, 03:11:34 PM
  That is a good point and suggestion.  She was the one sitting there helping the hair stylist to pick this one out, out of all the different ones we tried, and this was the one we all gravitated towards including her.  But maybe subconsciously she doesn't like it.  When we went wig shopping, I had no idea what my style was going to be, and what would look good on me.  So the wig lady was a tremendous help using her vast experience in helping people choose wigs.   She knew what was likely to look good on me, and we left there feeling very happy and content.  So I don't know.

Same story here... each time I left an expensive wig store with 'what would look good' on me with good confidence after all those sales pitches only to find out I'm not comfortable wearing it and realizing it's not looking good for me either.

It could be wrong length (when was the last time that you see a woman in her 30s with long-long hair), color (sales ladies offered me dirty-blond wigs, where as I ended up with auburn with highlights piece).

Give it a try, have a talk to your wife. She seems to be supportive and there is no reason you should suffer with balding hair.

Otherwise, you can go for head scarf covering... Jewish tiechel is my favorite kind, but even simples bandanna from Walmart for $1 will be better than male hairline.

Just got my most recent bloodwork results back.  Even though I'm taking the dosages prescribed by my endocrinologist, my testosterone level is still within the "normal" male range at 323 ng/dl, and my Estradiol level is still only 102 pg/ml.  They always call me a couple days after the results come back and give me instructions on what to increase my dosages to.  So I'm really curious to see what they are going to tell me now.  Increasing the spironolactone might not be an option, because my potassium levels have creeped up to the high end of normal now.  But I don't know.

I definitely see a feminine face, meeting you in some store etc and not knowing that before picture, I would have not gendered you incorrectly.

I really don't know what changes in the face which makes it more feminine. It's just so puzzling that I cannot say what it is that changes, but there are changes. I can already see it now and then in my own face.

Quote from: elkie-t on January 15, 2018, 05:08:33 PM
Same story here... each time I left an expensive wig store with 'what would look good' on me with good confidence after all those sales pitches only to find out I'm not comfortable wearing it and realizing it's not looking good for me either.

It could be wrong length (when was the last time that you see a woman in her 30s with long-long hair), color (sales ladies offered me dirty-blond wigs, where as I ended up with auburn with highlights piece).

Give it a try, have a talk to your wife. She seems to be supportive and there is no reason you should suffer with balding hair.

Otherwise, you can go for head scarf covering... Jewish tiechel is my favorite kind, but even simples bandanna from Walmart for $1 will be better than male hairline.

Ellie mentioned the Map of Beauty site in the Wig post.  I checked it out and all their wigs are less than ten bucks and free shipping.  I guess they're in China but at less than 10 a pop..........

From what I understand, even if your Testosterone levels don't drop, Spiro can block the effect of testosterone so an increase in dosage may not be needed. Otherwise, have you check your diet carefully to make sure your intake of potassium isn't excessive. Potassium hides out in just about everything we eat because our body requires about 6 time as much potassium as salt under normal conditions.

Quote from: Dena on January 29, 2018, 04:48:20 PM
From what I understand, even if your Testosterone levels don't drop, Spiro can block the effect of testosterone so an increase in dosage may not be needed. Otherwise, have you check your diet carefully to make sure your intake of potassium isn't excessive. Potassium hides out in just about everything we eat because our body requires about 6 time as much potassium as salt under normal conditions.

Thanks Dena!  I am learning more about that myself.

A couple of years ago I got the smart idea to start drinking JuMex fruit drinks thinking that it would be healthy - then last year I was told I was Type II Diabetic.  Then I quit drinking sodas, etc. and thought I'd be healthy and drink Crystal Light because of no sugar only to find out last night on the site that it's loaded with Potassium.

The endocrinologist office finally called me this morning and said that I am actually at "Goal" and to just continue with the same dosages and have more blood work done in 3 months, and then come in for an actual office visit a few days later.

  The HRT has most definitely been working.  So even though my levels seem to not be where they should be, I guess I'll just be happy with the results.

Hi LaRell,

   Glad to hear that you are "on goal" What that means I don't know except that it is where they expect you to be at this time. As you will see everywhere YMMV. As long as your endo is happy with it then you should be unless you feel otherwise and have information that bears you out. Sometimes I've heard some may need a bit of educating. But what it really comes down to is if you are getting the results you feel you should.
  These things do take their own sweet time to blossom.

Hugs,
   Laurie

Quote from: Laurie on February 02, 2018, 08:31:11 PM
Hi LaRell,

   Glad to hear that you are "on goal" What that means I don't know except that it is where they expect you to be at this time. As you will see everywhere YMMV. As long as your endo is happy with it then you should be unless you feel otherwise and have information that bears you out. Sometimes I've heard some may need a bit of educating. But what it really comes down to is if you are getting the results you feel you should.
  These things do take their own sweet time to blossom.

Hugs,
   Laurie

Thanks Laurie!  Yeah it can be hard to be patient and just want to be a girl already. ha ha.  And yeah, that thing with some endocrinologists needing some educating I guess is what worried me early on when she had me on such a low dosage of estradiol that all of my research into what other transwomen are typically started on, caused me to question if she was really familiar with the standards or not.  So I was really glad when she finally upped my dosage to what seemed more in line with what people are given.  And now, I am just trusting the process since I absolutely cannot deny the amazing breast growth, and fat redistribution I am experiencing and the loss of my disgusting body hair all over my back and chest. 

   I'm not sure how long I should ideally wait to get my blood drawn after taking a dose.  As you can see in the chart I will post below, one of the times I had bloodwork done, and had it done right after I took a dose, and therefore it gave a really high false reading, and the endocrinologist called me wanting to reduce my dosage.  But when I explained to her that I had just taken two pills right before the blood draw, then she recognized that's why it spiked so high so she kept me on the same dosage.  So now I've been taking my dose at night, and then having the blood drawn in the morning about 9 or 10 hours later, and by then my levels are apparently still up in the 100's.  So I wonder if that means they are up closer to where they are supposed to be for at least a while after taking a dose.  It's all very interesting science that I never imagined I would be worrying about.  Ha ha

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  Hi Again,

  Have you asked your endo what her target range is for you? That would be a good questions to ask her both for estradiol and total Testosterone. She should have no problem telling you what readings she is looking for in all your labs. But they won't necessarily tell you if you don't ask.
  My own GP want to get me up over 200 pg/ml. I haven't hit over 100 yet and I am now at what he considers a max oral dose.  In the mean time enjoy the magic, Hun.

Hugs,
   Laurie