I find myself in a situation that I never thought I would be in and I'm a little lost at what to do.

I have been trying to determine when/how to tell our kids about my transness for quite some time. We have 3 daughters, a 15 yo, and twin 13 yo. My wife doesn't want to tell them kids until she figures out the answers to all of their possible questions first, but she isn't even sure what the answers are to her questions, or even what all of  her questions are.

However, our 15 yo daughter came out to my wife and I that she is pan romantic/asexual over the past few days. At first I thought that that makes things so much easier because she will definitely accept me now, but I also thought that about my very liberal and LGBT allied wife and she is very much not accepting of me as a woman.

So, basically I'm afraid that my daughter may feel the same way, as in "I support all LGBT people, just NOT MY FATHER!"

I'm wondering if anyone has had similar experience with telling their non-conforming children or really any advise about how and when to tell teenage kids.

Any advise would be greatly appreciated!

I have a 16 yo and a 13 yo. I will tell my 16 yo son today. I have been waiting for my husband to be ready for this step. But he never is. I need to pu->-bleeped-<- a bit.

My 16 yo son is genderfluid. I gave him the S.A.G.E. test. He loves tests on internet. When he is done I'll show him my results and then we go from there.

I'll soon tell my other boy too. My husband wants to keep it a secret. But secrets are painful. It's like he is hiding me.

He has said that when I become a guy for real we need to go separate ways. He is not gay.

For me it works with just saying it. I don't write letters or have a special ceremony. I just tell people straight from my mouth. But that is right for me. Maybe not for you.

How to tell teens? Just say it. They will need time to digest what you tell them. Give them time and answer questions honestly. There is nothing worse than being lied to.

Your wife does not support you very much, that can have effects on your marriage in the long run. Don't let the teens be last to know. Now is the time to get them to know the real you. Not if you break up and all the emotions go wild.



Tony

Quote from: JessicaHF on January 13, 2018, 11:54:16 PM
My wife doesn't want to tell them kids until she figures out the answers to all of their possible questions first, but she isn't even sure what the answers are to her questions, or even what all of  her questions are.

Hi, Jessica, welcome to Susan's!

First, a disclaimer: I have no kids, no step-kids, no nephews or nieces, no experience, and I know nothing about raising kids.

But one thing I know is that kids appreciate honesty, and they can detect dishonesty.  Your kids probably already know that something is up.  They won't know what, but they know it is something and that you are hiding it.

Your wife cannot possibly anticipate ALL their questions.  Your kids will ask something out of left field that she has not thought of.  So the search for all the answers is futile.  Your wife knows this; it is really just a delaying tactic.

Perhaps your wife is afraid of saying "I don't know".  I think parents (and business or political leaders for that matter) make a mistake when they try to BS their way out of an awkward question.  The most respectful thing you can say to your kids is "I don't know."  They will appreciate your honesty.

My daughters are several years older. I came out to them the day after Christmas and they were both very accepting. I prepared a letter ahead of time and read it to them with my wife at my side. After coming out my older daughter mentioned that she is non-binary. That thread is here:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php?topic=232173

From what I have read and from my experience, young ladies are usually the most accepting of news like this. They will be concerned about their family as a whole, and especially about their mom. Having an accepting spouse at your side when you tell them the news would really help ease their concerns. No one can anticipate all of the questions, but let them know you both want to help them understand and you will do your best to find the answers to any questions they may have.

Quote from: MeTony on January 14, 2018, 01:25:44 AM
I have a 16 yo and a 13 yo. I will tell my 16 yo son today. I have been waiting for my husband to be ready for this step. But he never is. I need to pu->-bleeped-<- a bit.

My 16 yo son is genderfluid. I gave him the S.A.G.E. test. He loves tests on internet. When he is done I'll show him my results and then we go from there.

I'll soon tell my other boy too. My husband wants to keep it a secret. But secrets are painful. It's like he is hiding me.

He has said that when I become a guy for real we need to go separate ways. He is not gay.

For me it works with just saying it. I don't write letters or have a special ceremony. I just tell people straight from my mouth. But that is right for me. Maybe not for you.

How to tell teens? Just say it. They will need time to digest what you tell them. Give them time and answer questions honestly. There is nothing worse than being lied to.

Your wife does not support you very much, that can have effects on your marriage in the long run. Don't let the teens be last to know. Now is the time to get them to know the real you. Not if you break up and all the emotions go wild.



Tony

Hi Tony, thanks for the reply.

I hope everything went OK with telling your 16 yo.

I tried several times over the weekend to tell my 15 yo daughter, but kept losing courage. I'm hoping that she will be a barometer for how my 13 yo twin girls will respond, but my 15 yo is by far who I'm closer with and I'm afraid to jeopardize that. Especially since she finally trusted me enough to tell me that she is pan romantic /asexual. I know that was hard for her. I don't get to see her that often, she lives with my 2nd ex wife and nobody in that house is accepting of anything they see as different from their all white all right beliefs, accept for my daughter. I couldn't tell her this weekend, so I guess it will have to wait at least another two weeks until I see her again.

My wife has been trying to be accepting. She has allowed me to wear nail clear nail polish all the time and keep my toenails painted. She also allows me to wear women's underwear and women's pants. Basically I can do anything that can be kept invisible.

Like I mentioned in my bio/introduction, she has always been a very liberal and an ardent supported of all LGBT+ people, just not her husband.

I dont want to push her and force her to leave because I still believe (maybe foolishly) that we can still make this work.

Anyway, thanks for the reply. I hope everything works out for you and your kids.

Jessica

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My kids were way more accepting than my wife. I can't speak for your wife, but generally speaking, she may have fears and shame associated with you being trans and being secretive keeps her in a comfort zone of not having to deal with it. Shame is toxic and it loves secrets.


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Kids and young people are more flexible and accepting that old people. My kids know very well what it means that their dad wear skirt in public. They perceive the world well as adults do, even better.

barbie~~

Quote from: Gertrude on January 16, 2018, 09:48:41 AM
My kids were way more accepting than my wife. I can't speak for your wife, but generally speaking, she may have fears and shame associated with you being trans and being secretive keeps her in a comfort zone of not having to deal with it. Shame is toxic and it loves secrets.


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Hi Gertrude, thank you for your reply.

My wife has told her sister and one of her trans friends about our daughter coming out as pan romantic. When I came out to my wife, I told her that she is allowed to tell anybody that she felt she needed to. I didn't want her feeling like she had to protect my secret. So when I found out about her talking to her sister and friend abouty daughter, I asked her why she didn't talk to them about me.

She told me that she was afraid that people would judge me and was trying to protect me. I told her not to worry about protecting me and that I felt it might help her deal with what is going on with me if she talked about it with someone.

I also think she is worried about how people will judge her and start asking questions that she doesn't know the answers to and doesn't really want the the answers to.

I read a great couple of books by a trans woman and her wife that describe the transition process from both sides of the equation. In the wife's book she says that she was terrified to tell anyone because if it turned out it was just a phase then there was no way to untell the friends she had talked to. I think this might also be why my wife doesn't want me to tell the kids and why she doesn't want to tell anyone else.

Thanks again for the reply,

Jessica

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Quote from: JessicaHF on January 16, 2018, 03:25:50 PM
Hi Gertrude, thank you for your reply.

My wife has told her sister and one of her trans friends about our daughter coming out as pan romantic. When I came out to my wife, I told her that she is allowed to tell anybody that she felt she needed to. I didn't want her feeling like she had to protect my secret. So when I found out about her talking to her sister and friend abouty daughter, I asked her why she didn't talk to them about me.

She told me that she was afraid that people would judge me and was trying to protect me. I told her not to worry about protecting me and that I felt it might help her deal with what is going on with me if she talked about it with someone.

I also think she is worried about how people will judge her and start asking questions that she doesn't know the answers to and doesn't really want the the answers to.

I read a great couple of books by a trans woman and her wife that describe the transition process from both sides of the equation. In the wife's book she says that she was terrified to tell anyone because if it turned out it was just a phase then there was no way to untell the friends she had talked to. I think this might also be why my wife doesn't want me to tell the kids and why she doesn't want to tell anyone else.

Thanks again for the reply,

Jessica

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I can only speak from my experience. My wife was raised by a perfectionist Co- dependent mother of 13 that raised kids that never felt validated or worthy. All of them are focused on the next reward, mamma's approval, pat on the head from a teacher or atta boy from the boss. It's never good enough. People like that are very conscious of what others will think and at least in my case, it's not protecting me by keeping secrets, but her perception of what others will think of her. Care about people's approval and you will always be their prisoner.

What book was that you read? I've only read Jennifer Finney Boylan and Leslie Fabian.


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Quote from: Gertrude on January 16, 2018, 04:42:15 PM
I can only speak from my experience. My wife was raised by a perfectionist Co- dependent mother of 13 that raised kids that never felt validated or worthy. All of them are focused on the next reward, mamma's approval, pat on the head from a teacher or atta boy from the boss. It's never good enough. People like that are very conscious of what others will think and at least in my case, it's not protecting me by keeping secrets, but her perception of what others will think of her. Care about people's approval and you will always be their prisoner.

What book was that you read? I've only read Jennifer Finney Boylan and Leslie Fabian.


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They were Getting Back to Me by Scottie Madden and just Because My Husband's a Woman by Marcy Madden. It was really great to see both sides of the same transition story.

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Speaking as a wife, though my spouse is the one that wants to keep it a secret, I will tell you what my worries are if/when we do tell others. My biggest fear is people appearing supportive but showing pity on me. Having people pity you when you want to feel strong is icky. Or people who would question why we'd stay together. Lastly is probably being faced with the personal, private questions that they shouldn't be asking about body parts and intimacy.

I have also heard that sometimes people actually blame the wife for their partner being trans? I don't get this at all but I sure hope it doesn't happen.

Not sure if this is helpful. Maybe it is just shame. Anyway, I wish you the best. Keep us posted on how it goes with your daughters.

Quote from: gallinarosa on January 17, 2018, 10:40:00 AM
Speaking as a wife, though my spouse is the one that wants to keep it a secret, I will tell you what my worries are if/when we do tell others. My biggest fear is people appearing supportive but showing pity on me. Having people pity you when you want to feel strong is icky. Or people who would question why we'd stay together. Lastly is probably being faced with the personal, private questions that they shouldn't be asking about body parts and intimacy.

I have also heard that sometimes people actually blame the wife for their partner being trans? I don't get this at all but I sure hope it doesn't happen.

Not sure if this is helpful. Maybe it is just shame. Anyway, I wish you the best. Keep us posted on how it goes with your daughters.

Thank you for the reply. It's nice to hear another wife's perspective.

From your brief description it sounds like you may be more comfortable with everything than your spouse. It's great that they have someone as strong as you to support them through this.

My wife is very much the blame herself type. When I first told her we had a lot of conversations where she was trying to find something she did wrong. Its been very important for me to keep reminding her that my feelings are not in anyway a response to anything she did or didn't do.

Although she has been an ally of the LGBT community for years, having someone in her family, especially her husband, is still very new to her. I need to keep reminding myself that even though I have known to some extent for almost 40 years, she has only had 3 1/2 months.

Again, thank you for the response. I wish you and your spouse the best. When we eventually tell the kids I will definitely let everyone know how it goes.

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