Hi all,

As some of you know, I have not had 'the conversation' with my wife yet and the main reason for that is that I'm scared of hurting her and us breaking up when she needs support the most.  She is partially disabled (hugely overweight BMI 50+ and osteoarthritis).  She can drive but I have to do most things for her including getting her breakfast every morning and putting her socks on, etc.  I also do the washing, etc. and have a full time job. Well, I'm sure she could do more but she doesn't want to.  She gave up work a couple of years ago so we are relying on my salary alone which is a struggle.  We don't have a physical relationship anymore and have not done for a long time.  She also has both elderly parents in care homes and it's very likely that her mother who has dementia and can't walk will die this year.  Her father has quite advanced altzheimers so doesn't know anyone any more.

Anyway... The night before last, in the night she put her hand on my privates and I absolutely freaked out.  I jumped out of bed and sat on the end of the bed feeling very uncomfortable as if I had just been molested by a stranger.  I can't stand the thought of being intimate with a female and my drive is very low so I don't want to be intimate with anyone at the moment, female or male.  She got upset and started crying so we had a 'talk' and I told her the classic 'it's not you it's me' line, which is true.  I told her that I don't know who or even what I am at the moment but that I do deeply care about her and I have got to work things out.  I have seen my doctor and am waiting for a referral to see a therapist and until then it's best not to do anything we might regret.  I wanted to tell her that I feel female inside and am more than likely transgender but the words were stuck in my throat.  I could not say them to her even though I have said it to my doctor, sister, mum and manager at work.  We spoke a bit in the car last night and I told her I have gender dysphoria and I don't feel that my body aligns with my brain/mind.  She did not say much and then later on in the night she touched my privates again when I was asleep.  Guess what?  Yep, total freakout again.

This morning she asked me if there was someone else which I denied of course as there isn't.  She also asked if this was the end of the road for us and should we go our separate ways even though it will be impossible for her to live on her own.  We have agreed that tonight we need to talk and I need to tell her the truth about how I feel and what I am going though.

All I can do is be honest with her and hope for the best, but tonight is crunch time.

Thank you for reading.  It's helped me to share with you lovely people. Any comments or opinions would be most welcome!

Vicky xx

Hi, Vicky.

It is going to be a hard conversation to have.  I hope it goes as well for you as it can.  Don't lose sight of who you are.

Vicky,

  One thing that I had to realize, too late, was you think about this all the time.  You wake up thinking about your gender. You drive down the street thinking about gender.  Etc...  Your wife NEVER thinks about her gender.  It's a totally foreign concept, thinking about one's gender to a CIS person.

The other thing to remember is you have thought about this for years/decades she's had seconds.  Her first reaction may not be the last.

I hope it goes well, but you need to be true to yourself.  You only get one chance at life.  After it's gone, you don't get a do-over.

Sent from my LG-H910 using Tapatalk

I wish I had come out to my wife under different circumstances- I did it in a moment of frustration-
Then I left for 3 days of Reserve Duty with The Navy- so imagine how that went over. 🤷🏼‍♀️
In any case, you have to tell when the time is right and right for you and her. Some would argue that there may never be a "right time", but you do the best that you can.
Good luck.


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1. Emphasize again that your recent behavior isn't her fault.
2. Explain what is at fault, i.e. gender dysphoria, and your experience of it. You could explain it chronologically, generally, metaphorically, anecdotally, etc... However you think will best help her understand.
3. Explain your plan.

Unless there's something I'm not picking up on, my guess is that if you convey the sense of security that she seems to be lacking, she won't leave you. 

Good luck!

Well, I did it and it went... terribly. 

I explained how I felt inside and that it's been building up since October when something clicked and it started to dawn on me that I'm female inside.  I explained about feeling jealous of other women when i see them with their lovely hair, shape, clothes, manner, etc.  I also explained that the body hair removal and toenail polish just made me feel more comfortable and it was not sexual at all.  I also explained about gender dysphoria and the anguish it's been putting me under and causing me to have anxiety attacks and feeling suicidal more than once. 

She thought I'd been having an affair with a guy.  She presumed that the hair removal and nail polish was because I had been 'turning gay'.  She knew I identified as bisexual before we got together and she knows of my past so bit confusing there.  I don't think she fully understands what bisexual means.  I said there was no-one else, woman or man as there is no desire and I don't have the time which she totally agreed with and said I'd have to be a magician to fit it in as I have no free time.

I tried to explain other things to her too and also said that I have no desire to put on a wig and frock and parade down the high street.  That's not how this works.  It's about how I feel inside and I don't feel male, I feel female.
I told her about how my brain was probably not masculinised when I was in the womb as my index finger is longer than my ring finger which is indicitive of this.  I was trying to show her that it's just who I am and I have been shutting it out for all these years.  She got angry and said 'I married a man, not a woman'.  I know from previous conversations that she has no lesbian tendancies whatsoever and the idea makes her sick.  She's not homophobic but it's not for her.  Then she broke down and cried, and cried a lot.  I comforted her and she held me which I thought was positive and said she did not want to lose me. 

I told her I am more than likely transgender but I have still got to have therapy and I'm not making any permanent changes to anything before therapy.  She said that if I have a sex change, then we are over and then cried a lot again.  I did not challenge that as it's early days and she has got to get her head around things.

I told her I have also been wearing female underwear as I find it more comforting and I don't like wearing men's boxer shorts any more.  Not super sexy things, just mini-briefs.  She asked how long I had been doing this and if I wore them to work so I told her about a month and yes I wear them all the time.  I said that's it, you know everything now.  She looked sad but nodded.

We eventually went to bed and she was crying again and asked me to hold her which I did.  She said it does not feel right her not touching my privates so I said she could if she wanted to but she said no if it makes me uncomfortable.

Later in the night she woke up crying and we spoke again.  She got angry and said I'd make an ugly woman anyway as I look too much like a man.  This sent my dysphoria into hyperdrive and I had a mini anxiety attack, felt sick and very depressed. I said that it explains why I ran away from our trans-friend a few years ago as I could not deal with her as it was too close to home and then she insisted on calling her by her old male name and said it will always be 'dave' (not her real name) and another transwoman she knew who I never met she said will always be '(male name)'.  So she seemed to be in denial of anyone transgender.

Difficult night.  This morning she seemed down but spoke about the weather (we're British - it happens a lot  ), she wanted me to stay with her today but I explained I had to go into work.  We have spoken a couple of times on the phone since and she seems to want me to try to get these thoughts out of my head and go back to how I was.  I thought about this and tried unsucsessfully.  All it did was drive me into a huge depression where all I could think about was ending the misery that is my pathetic life - even thought of the best way this time.  Being true to myself brought me joy and hope.

Feeling a little better but still a bit down at present but I know I can't suppress these feelings now (I have tried), something has changed inside me and I have to deal with it.

Thank you for reading. 

Vicky, I know others have great first out experiences, others have outright door-slams. I don't see your as 'terrible'. Emotionally charged, yes? preferred to be better, yes of course. Just not terrible. There's room for growth and acceptance in your recounting, it's early yet.

My own first telling to my wife brought almost every same thing that you mentioned, in a slightly different way. Everyone is different. Relax, take a deep breath, talk to her, reaffirm, give where you can, stand firm where you have to. Honest communication is always the best approach.

Vicky, I am sorry that things didn't go smoothly for you.  Allow your wife to feel her grief, including some anger.  It is a process that she has to work through.  You have had weeks or months to work through it, she has only had hours.

Vicky,
   I think when a spouse is told, one of the first things that can happen is panic and fear on their part. I can understand why, as this news is turning their world upside down. From this panic, anger and threats often come. The first reaction is 'make it go away.' The anger my be temporary or in some cases last. When she tells  you, 'you would be a bad woman', she is  trying to convince you to make it go away. Sounds like these are efforts not to hurt you but to try to keep 'him.' Hopefully, she will calm down and you two can work together to figure out where to go from here. Stay positive, give her some time, and try to respect her feelings. Hopefully, she will come to respect yours.
Moni

Hi Vicky,

I'm so sorry, you are definitely in a difficult situation. While agree with you that you should go to therapy.  In this situation I think your wife needs it too, probably more.  It could help her deal with you being transgender but I think she has much deeper issues.  It sounds like she has pretty much given up on life long before you came out to her.

Take care,
Paige

Vicky yes its hard, yes it didnt go aswell as you hoped. But well done. You did good girl, the things she said that made your gd worse might have just been here trying to cope with the situation, i belive my wife did a simular thing. Its the laugh or cry situation and people will try to make a joke rarther than cry, even though they dont understand the outcome.

Umm one thing you mentioned, whats this about fingers?? My index is longer than ring. Is that not normal then? Ive not hurd this before??

Quote from: Shambles on January 17, 2018, 09:07:04 AM
Umm one thing you mentioned, whats this about fingers?? My index is longer than ring. Is that not normal then? Ive not hurd this before??

Yes, it is a real thing.  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Digit_ratio  It is not uncommon for trans women to have a female digit ratio.

Quote from: Faith on January 17, 2018, 06:49:59 AM
Vicky, I know others have great first out experiences, others have outright door-slams. I don't see your as 'terrible'. Emotionally charged, yes? preferred to be better, yes of course. Just not terrible. There's room for growth and acceptance in your recounting, it's early yet.

My own first telling to my wife brought almost every same thing that you mentioned, in a slightly different way. Everyone is different. Relax, take a deep breath, talk to her, reaffirm, give where you can, stand firm where you have to. Honest communication is always the best approach.

Hi Faith,
It felt terrible as I was hurting her and I don't want to hurt anyone ever. But like you say, it's early days yet.  It seems there is no easy way to do it, but I think we tend to go for a mix of brutal honesty and damage limitation!

Quote from: KathyLauren on January 17, 2018, 07:50:53 AM
Vicky, I am sorry that things didn't go smoothly for you.  Allow your wife to feel her grief, including some anger.  It is a process that she has to work through.  You have had weeks or months to work through it, she has only had hours.

That is SO true.  I actually said that to her.  I have had months on this, you have only had a few hours.  I do need her to feel her grief and time will hopefully help.

Quote from: HappyMoni on January 17, 2018, 08:26:18 AM
Vicky,
   I think when a spouse is told, one of the first things that can happen is panic and fear on their part. I can understand why, as this news is turning their world upside down. From this panic, anger and threats often come. The first reaction is 'make it go away.' The anger my be temporary or in some cases last. When she tells  you, 'you would be a bad woman', she is  trying to convince you to make it go away. Sounds like these are efforts not to hurt you but to try to keep 'him.' Hopefully, she will calm down and you two can work together to figure out where to go from here. Stay positive, give her some time, and try to respect her feelings. Hopefully, she will come to respect yours.
Moni

Moni,
Yes although that comment from her really upset me, I could see it was pure anger.  If we did end up parting, she would really suffer as she has become so dependant upon me and I would feel so terrible and guilty.  But on the same token I would not want her to just 'put up' with things just to make her life 'easier' in some respects as that would not be fair to either of us.  I will give her time and not push things.  Luckily the NHS system is painfully slow so there should be time to hopefully reflect and adjust.

Quote from: Paige on January 17, 2018, 08:28:57 AM
Hi Vicky,

I'm so sorry, you are definitely in a difficult situation. While agree with you that you should go to therapy.  In this situation I think your wife needs it too, probably more.  It could help her deal with you being transgender but I think she has much deeper issues.  It sounds like she has pretty much given up on life long before you came out to her.

Take care,
Paige

Hi Paige,
I definately need therapy as I need to know that this is 100% real (or as close as I can get it) and any nagging doubts that I have that it could be something else causing me to feel this way are put to bed. 
I think you have hit the nail on the head there, I think she has pretty much given up on life and to be honest, before I came out to myself so had I.  I was completely miserable and just going day to day, month to month not enjoying anything.  Then as soon as the scary lightbulb went on I felt alive and so happy, then terrified. lol.
I think after I have been to therapy for a few sessions I will get her to join me as I agree, she does need it and also so that at the very least, the therapist can see first hand what I am dealing with.  Thank you.

Quote from: Shambles on January 17, 2018, 09:07:04 AM
Vicky yes its hard, yes it didnt go aswell as you hoped. But well done. You did good girl, the things she said that made your gd worse might have just been here trying to cope with the situation, i belive my wife did a simular thing. Its the laugh or cry situation and people will try to make a joke rarther than cry, even though they dont understand the outcome.

Umm one thing you mentioned, whats this about fingers?? My index is longer than ring. Is that not normal then? Ive not hurd this before??

Hi Jo,
I did not really expect it to go well, but I just hate hurting people.  I'm glad it's done and I'm sure you are with your wife too.  Some things just have to be said. 

It seems the finger digit ratio is a thing. That's what lead me to start to realise that there might be a biological reason for brain feminisation (or lack of masculinisation).  It also had me thinking about when I had facial surgery about 20 years ago and the surgeon said (ironically looking back) that he'd extend my jaw by 10mm to give me a more masculine profile and also I'm sure he said when they took some bone from my pelvis that I had quite a wide pelvis for a man.  The reason I bring that up is that some skeletal features are masculinised at the same time as the finger length and brain, so if that doen't happen properly then some features can stay more feminine.  More research is being done in this area and I may be clutching at straws but I think it's plausable.

Quote from: KathyLauren on January 17, 2018, 09:26:02 AM
Yes, it is a real thing.  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Digit_ratio  It is not uncommon for trans women to have a female digit ratio.

Thanks KathyLauren for posting the link! 

My wife has the same position. I took it one step further and started transition anyway. She doesn't like it one little bit, however She is getting used to it. She wants her 'man' back. There never really was a 'man' I was just a good actor. We agreed we would stay together long enough to provide a stable home for the kids, but that any intimate relationship was over.

As HRT does its thing and I look less male her anxiety has increased and the push backs are fairly frequent these days. She speaks of being 'embarrassed' and 'ashamed'. I've told her in no uncertain terms that I am mostly definitely not, and never will be embarrassed so She just needs to get over it.  I think long term things will have to change, but for the next few years at least, compromise is the solution - not drawing too much attention to changes though its really hard to slow things down without going a little crazy.

You may find She mellows a bit given time. However, be prepared for a rough time of it. I honestly feel its possible to keep a relationship alive in these circumstances, but compromise will be needed on both sides.

Good luck! Keep your eyes on the positives, they will help with the pushbacks that are sure to come.

Quote from: krobinson103 on January 17, 2018, 03:16:31 PM
My wife has the same position. I took it one step further and started transition anyway. She doesn't like it one little bit, however She is getting used to it. She wants her 'man' back. There never really was a 'man' I was just a good actor. We agreed we would stay together long enough to provide a stable home for the kids, but that any intimate relationship was over.

As HRT does its thing and I look less male her anxiety has increased and the push backs are fairly frequent these days. She speaks of being 'embarrassed' and 'ashamed'. I've told her in no uncertain terms that I am mostly definitely not, and never will be embarrassed so She just needs to get over it.  I think long term things will have to change, but for the next few years at least, compromise is the solution - not drawing too much attention to changes though its really hard to slow things down without going a little crazy.

You may find She mellows a bit given time. However, be prepared for a rough time of it. I honestly feel its possible to keep a relationship alive in these circumstances, but compromise will be needed on both sides.

Good luck! Keep your eyes on the positives, they will help with the pushbacks that are sure to come.

It's a difficult thing to come to terms with not having an intimate relationship but we have not had one or years thanks initially to her menopause then my lack of interest and now the realisation that for the past year or two I have not been interested in women sexually at all.  I know gender and sexuality are two separate things, but just recently and especially when I feel really feminine my interest in women is zero and my interest in men is higher.  Maybe it's just me.

We get good at being the 'actor' out of external self-preservation over the years but what amazes me is how we have reached the point where enough is enough and we start to shed these false layers.  I don't know what triggers it but once it's triggered and we have made that realisation about who we are, it's almost impossible to go back.

I can understand the need to stay together for the kids but the mental torments you will both go through will be significant to say the least and I wonder what the kids would say when they are adults knowing that their parents stayed together in torment just for their sakes.  Would be interesting to know.

I have also slowed things down but I find that if I try to go back a step, I quickly go into a deep depression which is telling me that the only way is forward, wherever that may take me.

I hope she mellows, but it's early days yet and it's all very raw.  She told me during the night that she wants me to sleep in the spare bedroom from now on but then this morning she told me not to as it would be a step towards ending our relationship.  She also sent me a link to 'our song', saying, she hoped this would have been us forever.  I said it still can be as who knows what the future holds.