I'm male to female, and started and stopped hrt a few times in my early days. I've been trying not to transition. When I'm on hrt I feel pretty normal, but a while after stopping the testesterone starts coming back and I begin to feel really bad. I don't think I'd survive if it went on long term.

It's not all bad, testesterone brings a very noticeable increase in physical energy. Excercise gets much easier.

The odd thing is that it was all fairly mild when I was younger and I didn't even realise I was trans until later in life. It got bad quite quickly once I did.

Quote from: AnonyMs on November 04, 2017, 12:17:31 PM
I'm male to female, and started and stopped hrt a few times in my early days. I've been trying not to transition. When I'm on hrt I feel pretty normal, but a while after stopping the testesterone starts coming back and I begin to feel really bad. I don't think I'd survive if it went on long term.

It's not all bad, testesterone brings a very noticeable increase in physical energy. Excercise gets much easier.

The odd thing is that it was all fairly mild when I was younger and I didn't even realise I was trans until later in life. It got bad quite quickly once I did.

Thats really fascinating. I don't want to clutter this thread as it is about something else, but as a cis (as far as I know lol) I would want to ask what feels bad/good. Is it the intrinsic panic I felt after the shot, except you felt it all the time before you got HRT for the first time?

I'd appreciate suggestions on good education material on this. I know the facts and the medical aspects to some extent but I would love to just read or hear about how it actually feels to be transgender. I think a lot of people have so many opinions, without really knowing anything about the topic they are talking about (as with most people and most topics  )

-The energy thing...is something I would love if it happened, I'd go crazy in the gym for 6 weeks !!

Quote from: Urgent help on November 04, 2017, 02:07:32 PM
Thats really fascinating. I don't want to clutter this thread as it is about something else, but as a cis (as far as I know lol) I would want to ask what feels bad/good. Is it the intrinsic panic I felt after the shot, except you felt it all the time before you got HRT for the first time?

I'd appreciate suggestions on good education material on this. I know the facts and the medical aspects to some extent but I would love to just read or hear about how it actually feels to be transgender. I think a lot of people have so many opinions, without really knowing anything about the topic they are talking about (as with most people and most topics  )

-The energy thing...is something I would love if it happened, I'd go crazy in the gym for 6 weeks !!

This is a difficult feeling to describe that varies wildly from person to person. That said, I'll share my own experience.
My parents both agreed that they noticed something amiss with me starting at age three (my memories start around 5) but they weren't sure what to make of it. For reference, I grew up in the late 80's/early 90's in a small town in rural West Virginia where 'trans' wasn't on anyone's radar. I just recall having this very positive awareness of being a boy long before I had any real idea what the differences between genders were (physically and socially).
When anyone would tell me otherwise, I'd wonder what was wrong with them and shrug it off. At that time, I had very healthy and normal relationships with other guys my age and we'd engage in all the usual stupidly dangerous stunts boys typically do. It was peaceful then and being told I was 'just a girl' by family members was really more of an annoyance than a grievance. To put it shortly, I had a very strong sense of self. I just kept hanging around for puberty to happen so I could 'show' everyone.
Then it happened.
It was the darkest most miserable time of my life. At an age where girls are usually very excited to start developing breasts and figures, I found myself diving into huge oversized hoodies to hide any hints of softness or curves.
I felt unequivocally betrayed by my body and spiraled into suicidal depression. My relationships with males suffered and I actively avoided female relationships because it was impossible to relate with them. Every new change my body went through in the wrong direction was the mental equivalent of being drawn and quartered. Those things I knew, that 'self' of which I was so sure, became non-existent. I began to entertain this ideology that I was a parasite--able to physically move my host, but unable to mentally or emotionally engage--and most of my days were spent feeling invisible.
To say everything bothered me would be an understatement: Mirrors, waking up, taking showers, 'gendered' events, dating, sex, looking at my hands, hearing my voice, feeling my hairless face, my height, my breasts, going out in public, making friends, meeting new people, getting dressed, etc., were all gargantuan tasks that required every ounce of my mental fortitude to endure.
These feelings continued well into my young adulthood until age 28 when living even another few months seemed too much to face. After undergoing top surgery and HRT, I feel... just normal. Those initial few months of excitement have worn off, but in the best possible way as I now just feel like any other guy. The 'sirs' and male affectations (bro, man, dude, etc.) I receive every day now no longer thrill me so much as they just feel right.
The difference between what I was and who I am now is night and day. That sense of self has returned and nothing shakes me anymore. Not spending every waking moment hating myself and feeling overwhelming anxiety regarding my perceived gender has freed up a huge amount of energy to focus on hobbies, friends and my relationship.

To put it simply, I am present in my skin and happy to be that way.

Sometimes feeling right isn't about this long-term, pervasive, excitable euphoria so much as it's about not feeling wrong.

Quote from: Urgent help on November 04, 2017, 02:07:32 PM
Thats really fascinating. I don't want to clutter this thread as it is about something else, but as a cis (as far as I know lol) I would want to ask what feels bad/good. Is it the intrinsic panic I felt after the shot, except you felt it all the time before you got HRT for the first time?

I've no idea if its similar. At times I've found myself constantly thinking about wanting to be female, to the point where its hard to get any work done. Its lead to quite bad depression, and was the first time where I began to understand how people could kill themselves - I wasn't near that point, but it was scary to realize that's where I was headed. I remember walking past women's clothing shops and feeling like throwing up. HRT makes all that pretty much disappear.

There's a cancer treatment for men involving estrogen and its said that men feel really bad on it. The only place I've ever heard about it is in passing from medical studies.

Quote from: Urgent help on November 04, 2017, 02:07:32 PM
I'd appreciate suggestions on good education material on this. I know the facts and the medical aspects to some extent but I would love to just read or hear about how it actually feels to be transgender. I think a lot of people have so many opinions, without really knowing anything about the topic they are talking about (as with most people and most topics  )

I'd suggest looking at YouTube because some of those video's communicate so well. You can just search ftm, but here's a few I like watching.

https://www.youtube.com/user/TheRealJazzBertie

https://www.youtube.com/user/uppercaseCHASE1

https://www.youtube.com/user/MrPinocchio17

Quote from: Urgent help on November 04, 2017, 02:07:32 PM
-The energy thing...is something I would love if it happened, I'd go crazy in the gym for 6 weeks !!

I found it a really powerful example of the physical difference between men and women. You know its different, but to feel it like that was quite something.

Its possible your libido might increase and you'll gain some insight into why men think about sex so much. Thank god that's gone.

Thank you both for that insight.

I somehow can't shake the notion that this must have been present within the human population throughout time, since forever, but lack of knowledge about what exactly it is and medicin not being able to do anything, just kept it under the radar. There must have been loads of people going through their whole lives feeling the way you described. Or getting wrongly diagnosed with things like depression. Otherwise why has there always been tomboys and crossdressers? Not saying they are all trans but why has there been discrepancies between how so many children/adults act versus how society thinks they should act, based on their gender? And why would so many people come out and say they feel they have the wrong biological gender if they didn't feel that? It's simple when you think about it.
What is harder to understand is why other people have a hard time to accept that just because they don't feel that way themselves, it doesn't mean it's not out there or that there is something wrong with it... I completely believe it's possible that during fetal development, the sexual development of the body and the development of the mind (brain, where sense of self is) could go different ways for reasons we don't understand yet.

I'll watch the youtube videos and wait for the horny-hulk phase I'm about to go through  (only effects Im actually hoping will kick in, so I can gain bit of muscle and finally understand why men cheat  )
Will post if that or anything else happens.

Im not sure any of you still follow this but here is my update after taking the (half of) Nebido injection:

Almost immediately I started sweating more, was warm all the time, and had oily skin. For the first couple of weeks I had weird flue like symptoms but I didn't actually have a cold. I was much more hungry and had to eat all the time. I was more tired. Later on, my energy levels went up. My body became harder and I had a more toned shape even though I was not working out more. I was not exactly stronger in the gym, I think I would have needed a larger dose for that, but while exercising It felt different. More pumping feeling in the muscles I worked, and I would get red with blood rushing to face and torso.. training was more fun to be honest.

My sweet and (believe it or not) my vagina started smelling completely different. Not bad, just different. Or to be exact, I went from not really having any particular odor, to having one. And on that note, my clitoris grew in length and girth. Its about 2 cm now if u measure it pedantically from bottom to top, and the tip is very visible and round, you can actually protract the skin around it. As I feel all the effects subsiding, the smells neutralizing completely, muscle tone going down, apatite decreasing, I can see that my clitoris is slightly smaller but so far, I would say enlargement is not reversible.

And more on that note, I became savagely horny, extremely active and getting into things that are labeled as pervers by some...but important to say that this was not a whole new thing, I am that way, except now everything was exponentially heightened. And the space from thinking about something to actually just doing it was greatly reduced. My clitoris and penetration felt completely different, so much more sensitive, and my orgasms have never been so strong and well, heavenly. My clitoris would orgasm so hard that it hurt afterwards...

Thick stray hairs grew on my chin and cheeks. Didn't notice anywhere else. Have had one laser treatment on face and it seems to be working really well to remove the hairs. No acne as I was ridiculously careful to cleanse and go for facials every week. No voice change.

About how I felt and my general well being, I did not feel depressed, and no anger issues. I felt more confident overall, less tolerant of BS if you know what I mean. More of a do-er than a thinker and dreamer...But these are very subtle feelings. I was the same person, this was only noticeable to me. In the beginning, I had a lot of anxiety because I didn't want my body to change. That went down as I realized I was not going to entirely transform. I would say the only downside now is my clitoris. It doesn't bother me so much, I kind of like it as it brings me a lot of fun, but its like a new body part, and I admit i'm scared someone I like is going to find it of putting.

This experience taught me that actually, I was/am much more comfortable in my body than I understood, and I can enjoy my body so much more than I did. It made me more comfortable in who I am, and triggered me to stop repressing big parts of my personality (not referring only to sexual aspects). It really made me realize that I don't want my body to change, that I love my femininity, so I imagine it must be the opposite of what a transman feels.

BUT if I could stop the changes to my body, I would take a little bit of testosterone for the rest of my life... I don't really know or care about what that says about me and my identity.

I hope this was somehow interesting to you guys that wanted to know how things would turn out. Thanks again to everyone that replied to my post 10 weeks ago.
Be well <3

Thanks for coming back and updating us.

Do you feel its given you any insight into why men are like they are?

Quote from: Urgent help on January 18, 2018, 09:00:02 AM
BUT if I could stop the changes to my body, I would take a little bit of testosterone for the rest of my life... I don't really know or care about what that says about me and my identity.

Isn't that what you were doing before you accidentally injected too much?

I'm not too keen on injections myself, but there's gel's available as well.

Quote from: AnonyMs on January 18, 2018, 09:41:00 PM
Thanks for coming back and updating us.

Do you feel its given you any insight into why men are like they are?

Isn't that what you were doing before you accidentally injected too much?

I'm not too keen on injections myself, but there's gel's available as well.

No I had never experimented with testosterone before. This was the first time.

Yes I most definitely did. I understand how men can look at a person and only see what they can do to their bodies...not see the person..How they can talk for days and do all kinds of things just to get to undress someone and well....orgasm.. I understand the impulsive arousal completely, that no amount of sexual encounters is enough, not the way a woman can feel satisfied with one person. And the fact it can be triggered easily and very visually ie just looking at something. Its really hard to explain but I actually understand why men (and I am generalizing for simplicity) don't seem to get it when women analys things and bring up issues etc... It was incredible to feel like you were experiencing the world from a different point of view entirely. I get why men cheat now. But I also understand that the ones that don't, are more evolved and have learnt to control their bodies and actions. It is probably possible to find a man that wont cheat, BUT there would need to be a really strong emotional bond, and a person who is brought up to respect that boundary.

If a man tells me they are not turned on by a naked woman, a porn flick, a strip club etc I will know for sure they are not being truthful. Its just biology and I bet its much worse for them than what I experienced. What I WILL look for though, is someone that honestly says they have all kinds of desires, but has the power to control themselves and know right from wrong if they are in a committed relationship.....

If any men here want to correct me, they are welcome :9

Doctors will prescribe low dose testesterone to women and it shouldn't have any negative effects. I'm not sure if you need to have below normal levels or not.

Regarding men, that's about my thoughts on it as well. It's odd, but I find it very difficult to relate to it now even though I lived it for decades.

Quote from: AnonyMs on January 19, 2018, 09:35:36 AM
Doctors will prescribe low dose testesterone to women and it shouldn't have any negative effects. I'm not sure if you need to have below normal levels or not.

Regarding men, that's about my thoughts on it as well. It's odd, but I find it very difficult to relate to it now even though I lived it for decades.

Fascinating isn't it? There is so much we don't know about how hormones effect who we actually are...