Just thought to say hi. It might be, that I've been on this forum some five or six years ago, when I first tried transitioning (MTF), but unfortunately that ended badly, as the underlying huge guilt and absolutely devastating shame of being the way I am destroyed eventually my attempt, even though I was on hormones and was living as me. Still, being shamed of who I am eventually again crashed my mental health completely.
The situation wasn't made any better by the gender clinic doctor, who's first two questions on an hour long session were: Do I bake? And do I wear underwear and if I do, what kind, please describe? After that, I don't remember anything at all from that meeting. I dissociated myself away from the situation, being met by a person, who clearly despised me and I guess felt certain transfobia too. But that's Finnish transger clinic for you...
Last spring I was again told by a doctor, that I'm seriously ill, messed up for having a depression diagnose, unspesified personality disorder as well as dissociation disorder, which is also unspesified. Oh yes, and the papers state me as a transgender too. That was enough for the doctor to label me as a sick puppy.
I was asked that what do I think, if my fellow nurses (I work at a hospital as a nurse) would know about me? Do I think, that they would ever again trust me?
That crashed again everything and stayed at home for 4 months, barely moving from the bed at all. The feeling that I had was so final, so overwhelming that this is it. I never again wan't to go anywhere, because it's obvious that no one likes me and if they truly know me, they like me even less. I planned to kill myself and was ready to do it, everything was ready, certain insurances I had already cut off, threw old papers away and stuff that I thought no one could use after I was gone, listed all different thing on paper, so that my father would have easier time of sorting out my billing etc. after I was gone. But one morning I woke up to the thought, that if I kill myself now, I didn't turn the last playing card on the table, I gave up not even knowing had I lost the game or not.
I thought that about half a day and finally gathered the very few male clothes that I even had, some dating back from the late nineties, believe it or not. Threw everything into the trash bin and that was it. No turning back after that.
I've been living as me from the early October 2017. Managed to secure hormones on prescription in early November and got my name changed officially in late November. Both of those two things, you normally need an official permission from one of the two official gender clinics in Finland, where the "help" can be rather arbitrary. I've also started laser treatment with my own money. Normally you do get help from society, which pays the treatments, but I rather pay everything with my own money, so I don't have to stress about those gender clinics, where they seem to focus on baking and underwear. Enough of this fifties housewife bull->-bleeped-<-!
But yeah, life has been good since October. I finally feel a live! Unfortunately, forty years went by being a living dead. But I have to comfort myself with the thought, that at least I get to live as me for the remaining years and what ever happens, I will not be buried as a man.
I'm again working and the reception that I've gotten from those collegues that knew the living dead, has been more than warm. It brings tears to my eyes, that everyone has accepted me so well and I'm now part of the woman "gang"
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No Profanity Please*
