Hi ladies,

It's been a while since I posted.
To keep it short, wife and me are struggling. Alot. Particularly over GID. We still have sex
And I am not totally uncomfortable in a male role from day to day. I have started to make some changes, laser off facilal hair, eyebrows reshaped, softened up from bodybuilding days, however things have gone backwards in that my wife 3 months ago was alot more open to the idea of me being the butch in a lesbian couple and me living in a dual gender role.
Since then thete has been a backing off by her as she feels she can't cope with me wearing female clothes or changing my presentation or mannerisms.  I had a few weeks where she managed to be OK with all this and I was on.a high..   I will admit like all highs thete was going to be some come down but it's been worse than it should as effectively she cannot deal with me being me and I am so frustrated.  I have self harm scars and have felt terrible for a period and now when we argue there is so much frustration!

We have 4 kids between us, 2 are my genetic kids. I have Adhd so do make impulsive choices at times so bare this in mind... GID has been around for years though
And all my wife ahd me seem to do last 9 months is argue, make up,have sex, me spend money badly on things to make it better then there's a cycle of anger.

Monet isn't a huge issue right now, but it might be as I am angry over all I've done for her. She may be a good business woman herself but the amount of cash I've spent on her cosmetic procedures so to be the perfect looking woman....I would like to do some changes myself, a fuller butt, feminine face,  (hormonal changes I'm not convinced about as I like having a penis that works and am more attracted to women say 80/20 Compared to Men)

I've spent close to six figures in last 9 months on various thnigs and I expect her to show me more understanding. She may be stunning but she's like a drug to me in that I can never put her down... Despite how dysfunctional our marriage is.

My 2 boys I love alot too and want to be around but she is very much if you want to be her, if you want to be Rachel or Alexa you can't do it here......
Am mad at her and fed up as have felt so down at times.

I am not like some girls on here in that I do not hate the male role however I do need to feel I am free to be myself to some degree as life in a straight jacket is painful and miserable.

Does anyone relate?
Any advice?

Sometime I feel one day my wife and me will break up and I will have done all my savings ahd won't be able to drop the 40-50k that woudl suffice to change face, body, wardrobe and hair to where I woudl need it to be.
Making money is not the hardest issue for me if I changed, it's more how it effects my kids and wife....we have has issues with my past ahd enemies which now seem to be going as I live a different life,  however I will be more and more angry if one day tye real estate profit I made does not do something for me.....it's not like my wife and kids go without. They have a great lifestyle.

Does anyone relate to a wife you think is stunning, love to sleep with and at times like alot but at other times, apart from having the kids regret meeting her as shes like those 90s songs - poison by BBD or Alice Cooper.

Thanks
Alexa...

Hi Alexa,

  Your story in regards to your wife does sound a lot like me and my ex. Back then my dressing cause a lot of insecurity for me and my GD (that I did not know about) caused me a lot of anxiety and anger. My ex and I argued a lot and made up and then turned around and did it again. I was jealous and domineering and lived in fear since the start of losing her. I loved that woman with all my heart and was devastated when she divorced me. There were a few other issues that happened  also that had me at the brink of suicide. There is still a part of me that loves her and I regret everything that I did to cause her to divorce me. It is still something that I struggle with today, one of the things that once again brought me to the brink of suicide again just a short time ago. I'm doing a bit better now that my antidepressant has kicked in.
  I can't help but think If I had realized my gender dysphoria was the cause of a lot of my problems I could have gotten help  through therapy like I am now and it all could have been avoided. I also think that if my ex and I was to have gotten some marriage counseling early on we could have avoided most of the damage our tumultuous marriage caused us and my daughter. Would've, could've, should've alas hindsight does me no good or favors.  I still have to deal with these things myself with my therapist. I am by no means certain that I can. Maybe my failures will help you. I can only hope others can benefit from my story.
  What I'm saying Alexa is the situation you find your self in is not likely to be resolved without help. For yourself a gender therapist might be of help if you are not seeing one already. For you and your wife marriage counseling may help. But I am sure both of you needs some help if you two want to work the issues out. Arguing will only result in adding to the rift between you two.
I wish you and your wife a happy resolution but it is going to requiring a willingness on both your parts to get one.

Hugs,
  Laurie

I can relate to your story though I added HRT to the equation as well
She is coping, but the limitations on pace and scope She wants to impose are impossible for me to meet. I know at some point we will hit a crisus point. If I have to choose between an authentic life and a keeping a dysfunctional relationship I will take the former. I hope that decision is far into the future yet.

Thanks for the fast replies. It's nice to relate to someone.
Laurie what really hits me about what you wrote is you regret how things ended with your wife
And this has caused you a massive amount of pain?

I wonder how I would feel if I wasn't with my wife. I've done 5 years. No other relationship female or male or trans lasted beyond 18 months.

I want to be as sure as i can I am making good choices.
Issue is I don't feel GID is going to just go away one day.

Ive been through a good few counselors And an now on a pysch with a good gender background. It's going well,
Ultimately I have to figure what I want.
Before I met my wife I was very much a free spirit. Now I'm not....
Food for thought for me.

Krobinson 103 its great you have the guts to know what you want long term. How is HRT going for you?
And what's your long term goal

I can long term see myself as Androgynous with a nice figure And feminine face but effectively hormonally male.
This is the result of alot of thinking and of course like all of us, this is not set in stone.   

I read several things that appear to be destabilizing in your relationship, and I assume one.

The one is that she is having to go through a transition of her own because of the changes in you.  Unlike you, she didn't choose this transition and she doesn't want it.  You definitely don't seem to get how hard that is, nor to show compassion toward her on that basis.

Beyond that, she struggles with her self image and body independent of you, as manifested by her various cosmetic procedures.  She feels the cruel hand of time on her beauty.  You struggle to figure out what really keeps you together.  You go on endlessly about how stunning and/or perfect she is, yet the only time you use the word love was in relationship to having sex with her.  You don' seem to have figured out what you want in terms of transition.  You seem to want never to be told to do anything by anyone else (good luck with that as a woman!).  The money you have makes you less secure, rather than more.  You want to spend it before it's gone.  For her part, she may be okay with your experimentation at times, but not your transition.  She doesn't want her kids to know you, which is to say that she doesn't think Rachel/Alexa IS you.

Transitioning marriages can survive.  Do you even want that?  I don't read it in your post.  To be sure, what I think does not matter, but if this is the way you speak to her, I think you're in for some rough times ahead.

You asked for advice.  I'd say:  decide.  Would you marry her today?  Why?  Because she's "stunning" or because you can't imagine life without her, you value a shared past and ache for a shared future?  Because you have great sex or because you made a family together, and that family means more to you than anything?  Because she supports you in transition, or because you are deeply in love?  Because you want her to be there for you, or because you want to be there for her?

Quote from: rmaddy on January 21, 2018, 02:05:21 PM
I read several things that appear to be destabilizing in your relationship, and I assume one.

The one is that she is having to go through a transition of her own because of the changes in you.  Unlike you, she didn't choose this transition and she doesn't want it.  You definitely don't seem to get how hard that is, nor to show compassion toward her on that basis.

Beyond that, she struggles with her self image and body independent of you, as manifested by her various cosmetic procedures.  She feels the cruel hand of time on her beauty.  You struggle to figure out what really keeps you together.  You go on endlessly about how stunning and/or perfect she is, yet the only time you use the word love was in relationship to having sex with her.  You don' seem to have figured out what you want in terms of transition.  You seem to want never to be told to do anything by anyone else (good luck with that as a woman!).  The money you have makes you less secure, rather than more.  You want to spend it before it's gone.  For her part, she may be okay with your experimentation at times, but not your transition.  She doesn't want her kids to know you, which is to say that she doesn't think Rachel/Alexa IS you.

Transitioning marriages can survive.  Do you even want that?  I don't read it in your post.  To be sure, what I think does not matter, but if this is the way you speak to her, I think you're in for some rough times ahead.

You asked for advice.  I'd say:  decide.  Would you marry her today?  Why?  Because she's "stunning" or because you can't imagine life without her, you value a shared past and ache for a shared future?  Because you have great sex or because you made a family together, and that family means more to you than anything?  Because she supports you in transition, or because you are deeply in love?  Because you want her to be there for you, or because you want to be there for her?

I for one am very impressed RMaddy!

Yes Rmaddy's comments are good. I was in a sort of similar position with my wife (not the spend $ level though), and my counsellor discussed why she was erecting these barriers and demands. Maybe she was trying to stop me, or that she was trying to get the most out of me she could etc. In the end I discussed with my wife and we agreed to separate in as friendly a means as possible, so that we would still have access to our kids and we would help each other as much as possible.
That was my case, but maybe you need to broach these concerns with your wife in as gentle a mode as possible. Up to you but you do need to do something urgently or this may spiral out of control for both of you.
Well I hope you both come to a mutual understanding of where you are and where each of you are going and that you can and will help each other. Most of all , love the kids, all 4 as they will need both of you thorough whatever path you both take.
Good luck
Katie 

(Hugz  )

Quote from: Alexa Ares on January 21, 2018, 01:56:39 PM
Thanks for the fast replies. It's nice to relate to someone.
Laurie what really hits me about what you wrote is you regret how things ended with your wife
And this has caused you a massive amount of pain?

I wonder how I would feel if I wasn't with my wife. I've done 5 years. No other relationship female or male or trans lasted beyond 18 months.

I want to be as sure as i can I am making good choices.
Issue is I don't feel GID is going to just go away one day.

Ive been through a good few counselors And an now on a pysch with a good gender background. It's going well,
Ultimately I have to figure what I want.
Before I met my wife I was very much a free spirit. Now I'm not....
Food for thought for me.

Krobinson 103 its great you have the guts to know what you want long term. How is HRT going for you?
And what's your long term goal

I can long term see myself as Androgynous with a nice figure And feminine face but effectively hormonally male.
This is the result of alot of thinking and of course like all of us, this is not set in stone.

My goal is to transition 100% and live full time. I'm not sure about SRS, but I'll definitely have my testicles removed at some point to get off T blockers as I dislike the side effects. HRT is going well, shape and breasts are coming along nicely with skin and hair good. Hair removal goes... slowly but I can see some results so there is hope on that front.

Not sure its guts... its a realization I can't live a lie anymore, not for anyone and that includes my family. Been married for 14 years now and I hope I can keep that alive, but in reality its a bit hopeful. She wants the man She married, Its a hard process on her, probably harder than on me as She didn't choose the path.

Your dynamic is common. Loving your wife, but she hates you being feminine.
So the more you go towards the real you, the less the person you love is in love with you.
Guilt, sorrow, grief, anger in rotation

Alexa, when I read your post I thought you would be happier without your partner. It may be that your partner may be happier without you. If you go on HRT your perspective about male sex may change as your drive reduces.

Perhaps your partner sees you as a status symbol and part of her persona. She may want you to be the perfect male to reflect her need to be the perfect female. Well, life is not perfect nor are people. However you see yourself it not as she sees you or needs you to be to reflect on her needs.

I always envisioned being with a guy; now, being on HRT 4.5 I would like to be with a guy if it was the right guy and he would want me to be his girlfriend. My perspective changed. I want the sexual contact but I want the emotional support and desire to be with me as me.

I tried the money as an excuse for lack of physical attraction or perhaps guilt for not being the person I pretended to be. Money is not love and money does not but happiness. Money is nice to have and it buys you things that you think you need. It temporarily fills a void. Why do you have a void? Why does she have a void?  You never mentioned love in your post but you did mention poison.

Wow. Thanks everyone.  I appreciate the honesty. I didn't come here for a love in or a moan about some cosmetic pain.

Must say there's alot of sense in all this and alot for me to reflect on in what people have said. rmaddy you are very direct in your comments but there's alot in there which says how my marriage is.  My wife would agree with alot of what you said here. Havw to be real and say for me with my wife, we get on when I feel I've for the slight upper hand.  I get your Point about not wanting to be told to do things by others ahd this does reflect in that I would not see myself comfortable in a backseat role, and would clearly struggle with some of what society throws at women. I am goal orientated and not being able to do something I've wanted for years is a big problem.

With her - I respect her, I acknowledge she's been loyal, I love my kids, she's a decent mother and has taken some difficulty in our marriage
I will say when we got married I remember saying to my best man, if she hasn't had my Son we would not be here....no relationship otherwise. Alot of problems and shares pain plus the babies keep us together.

Do I love her?  Now not sure.... I can see I am somewhat selfish in romance, I've tried veey hard to be different however it is noted how I am alot more giving ahd calm with strangers than I have been with ex gfs and bfs.

It will be interesting to see what does happen to my mindset if I ever use HRT. I was a bodybuilder so have a healthy fear of the power of hormones ahd what they can do.....for now I just want to feel free. Its possible I may be happy as a gender dysphoric ->-bleeped-<- who has some work done, but lives a male role half the time (no offence meant if ->-bleeped-<- seems a old word, just seems fitting)
Lastly I get what you mean she did not sign up for my transition
....I just as she would put it want everything...

Thanks everyone and good luck to everyone In their journeys!

Katie I feel for you as this is not a easy life.
Krobinson103  I'm sure you will make good choices as seem very switched on.

Quote from: Alexa Ares on January 22, 2018, 04:46:57 AM
Its possible I may be happy as a gender dysphoric ->-bleeped-<-

Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't see that as a possibility.  In my experience as time goes on the gender dysphoria gets stronger and much worse.  I think that's the main difference between cross-dressers and trans people.  Cross-dressers are generally happy to dress when they can but don't really want to live as the opposite gender whereas trans people want to change their bodies and become the opposite gender physically to match what is inside.  Obviously that's a huge simplification as it doesn't take into account genderfluid and non-binary situations but I'm worried that if you DO have gender dysphoria that you won't be able to control it and you won't be able to live as a gender dysphoric cross-dresser for very long and certainly not happily.

Vicky x

Vicky you are very right on all this
I fight myself on the obvious.  I'm Transgender.
Another Bout of self harm over not being able to process the turmoil with my wife.
I am scared of true openness with self as so much internalised self hatred I sometimes don't want to be happy
And I blame myself alot for the past.

I do have to look at fact is it is unlikely I will feel Stable or better unless I do something meaningful about my GID.
I don't want to live a miserable life or kill myself by mistake as I'm so out of control the self harm gets out of hand.

Fighting GID gas got alot harder since I had a glimpse of how life could be in a few weeks in October where my wife allowed me alot more room to express myself.  That was not enough so I guess I can see my marriage is doomed.
At least I can feel I tried and she can't feel I did not put my money or heart into it.

Life....  Sucks at times
But the price to be ME... It's ultimately worth it I think...

Bumping my own post as Wife has kicked me out at 12 midnight uk time.
Normally I would have gotten into opposition but I decided , You know what I need to be Her, so this is going to happen as My Wife is who she is and cant deal with it, A shame we did not reach this point earlier on but timing is a bitch in life.

I will just have to pick things up from here. I apprichiate having somewhere to vent. I made my bed so I lie in it, yes this all hurts, but I have to probably see theres a price to pay for being Alexa.

What I also see is the moment I could say to my wife Im her, I suddenly could not get angry or wound up in the same way(I know its early days) ......which is the same as in October when I had a period where I could be more ME.  The Anger is trigged a lot by having to be in a Male role, which is something I find really really difficult when arguing with my wife, and her putting all these expectations of you as A Man should do this or that.

She's Angry. Im not happy right now, but Im happy, I can actually be REAL about myself.

I hope no one else is going through this sort of thing right now with Wife.. If they are, Be positive Girl, and remember when its bad it will be good again some time, just keep moving forward.

Alexa xx

Quote from: Alexa Ares on January 22, 2018, 07:01:02 PM
Bumping my own post as Wife has kicked me out at 12 midnight uk time.
Normally I would have gotten into opposition but I decided , You know what I need to be Her, so this is going to happen as My Wife is who she is and cant deal with it, A shame we did not reach this point earlier on but timing is a bitch in life.

I will just have to pick things up from here. I apprichiate having somewhere to vent. I made my bed so I lie in it, yes this all hurts, but I have to probably see theres a price to pay for being Alexa.

What I also see is the moment I could say to my wife Im her, I suddenly could not get angry or wound up in the same way(I know its early days) ......which is the same as in October when I had a period where I could be more ME.  The Anger is trigged a lot by having to be in a Male role, which is something I find really really difficult when arguing with my wife, and her putting all these expectations of you as A Man should do this or that.

She's Angry. Im not happy right now, but Im happy, I can actually be REAL about myself.

I hope no one else is going through this sort of thing right now with Wife.. If they are, Be positive Girl, and remember when its bad it will be good again some time, just keep moving forward.

Alexa xx

Not every thought is worth posting.  You married and started a family with this woman.  She now has to adjust to a massive change she never saw coming.  Maybe it needs to be over, but show some class.  You said that you respect her.  When do we get to see that part? 

Quote from: Alexa Ares on January 21, 2018, 01:56:39 PM
Thanks for the fast replies. It's nice to relate to someone.
Laurie what really hits me about what you wrote is you regret how things ended with your wife
And this has caused you a massive amount of pain?

I wonder how I would feel if I wasn't with my wife. I've done 5 years. No other relationship female or male or trans lasted beyond 18 months.

I want to be as sure as i can I am making good choices.
Issue is I don't feel GID is going to just go away one day.

Ive been through a good few counselors And an now on a pysch with a good gender background. It's going well,
Ultimately I have to figure what I want.
Before I met my wife I was very much a free spirit. Now I'm not....
Food for thought for me.

Krobinson 103 its great you have the guts to know what you want long term. How is HRT going for you?
And what's your long term goal

I can long term see myself as Androgynous with a nice figure And feminine face but effectively hormonally male.
This is the result of alot of thinking and of course like all of us, this is not set in stone.

Hi again Alexa,

  You asked me if splitting up with my wife caused me a lot of pain? The simple answer is yes. The longer answer needs some explanation. I loved my ex with all my heart as I think I said. We were married for 21 years and had 2 children a daughter and son together. My daughter left home not talking to me. I continued to hope right up until the divorce was final. Shortly after I lost my job I'd had for 18 years. I moved out of the room I had been renting and lived in my car for a few months. Then my dad died. This happen all withing 6 months. My world as I knew it came crashing down around me. I got my dads extended cab Pickup and lived in it for a few more months. I went into a depression and thought of ending it. Thought of just crashing into overpasses. It a wonder I didn't OD on speed. for about two years I was depressed. I didn't work. I lived in kind of a makeshift room in a storage area under a sister's house. One day I took a shotgun and walked up in to th forested hills on her property and sat down against a tree enjoying the beauty and peace of it and listening to the squirrels and birds with the barrel of the shotgun in my mouth. Trying to work up the courage to pull the trigger. Yes I'd say my failure at my marriage and other things too created a lot of pain. I wished my wife had died  rather than divorced me. I thought it would have been easier for me to take.
  Eventually I managed to box up all that pain and shove it into a dark corner of my mind. I never actually dealt with it. I moved up to Oregon with another sister and her family. I reconnected with my daughter and tried for 20 some years to make up to her for her bad childhood and thought that was behind us. But then I came out to her as trans and she didn't take it well. It's kind of an understatement because I am no longer welcome there and cannot see her or my 5 grand children. That was the beginning of my current depression. It brought that box back out of the dark corner and more with it. Again I found myself not wanting to live. I'm working through that now.
  Depression and pain? Yeah I'm kind of familiar with the concept.

Hugs,
  Laurie

Hi Laurie,
Wow you have been through alot. I feel for you and can relate to some of the mental anguish and sitting in a woods wanting to end it all.
I hope you work through how you feel. I can see you are very much valued on here And offer alot.
There's light in your life.

Rmaddy, I know you are a very blunt type of person and have what you think is logic but maybe you didn't need to post as you can't really make a big judgement of my marriage without being there and like you said elsewhere people have different personality types. I have adhd so can be a bit all over the place. I've also by my wife's own admission shown her more love And care than anyone else in her life.....
I'm not sure if you date genetic girls or have done in the past or been married...I don't know. What I can say is glamorous women are often difficult in that their expectations of life are very very high.
My choice partially to be with her
But like being Trans, you only have so much power over who you are attracted to....so what is done is done.

With respect to her ive pushed myself to the point of feeling like killing myself and my wife since 4 years ago knew of some cross gender feelings, yes she did not fully know nor was I sure about it,but it is not like I never work women's clothes or make up around her. She even participated before. She just said no after a while ahd I chose at thr time to bury my feelings. Aa the years passed that became a worse And worse feeling... As to feel like I cannot live life Abd be free to some degree... It is not living. It's existing. I don't know if you have lived this ie a partner who cannot accept GID.
. A double edged sword for me is that in a male role I am never short of female attention so there always been this battle for me, Ie my needs ahd romantic love in a clash at times.

Kids - they happen with passion. Most kids are not planned. Not all of us are planners. Some people are impulsive by nature ahd control in to a degree but it's not possible to always handle it. I am flawed I am human. At times you can seem to lack a bit of basic compassion. This is one of em!


Sometimes you just don't need to make a comment which can seem like kicking a girl when she is down. Better to say nothing in that case.