So I had an interesting observation the other day.....  This whole transition journey is filled with these kinds of "aha" moments for me as certain things become apparent at different stages.  Things that never would have crossed my mind.

  So......being trans and being married is interesting......Because you constantly have someone else there watching everything you do, and when you have a very sensitive level of self consciousness as I do with it all, it causes some anxiety.  Like me worrying all the time how she feels about this, or what is she going to think if I do that.  Clothing is the subject that keeps coming up for me.  Every time we are getting ready to go out somewhere, I stand there at my closet looking at all of my "girl" clothes, and trying to decide what I should wear.  I feel a constant desire to wear the more girly clothing items, like my skirts and dresses and things, but being in this inconsistent state, has me all confused and unsure of myself.  So I kind of wait for my wife's "approval" or suggestions.

  Sometimes......she actually tells me "You should wear that dress with leggings tonight."  And my heart just about explodes of happiness and love that she is being so supportive and affirming, and I can put those clothes on with full confidence that I have her support, and that she is going to be okay being seen with me in public dressed that way.

  However, other times, I stand there at the closet, trying to make it clear that I don't know what I should wear, and hoping she will step in and give me the go ahead to go out in girl mode, but she doesn't, and I just put on my more androgynous girls cloths.

  Okay......so we have that going on...but the other dynamic that recently hit me.....is that her and I just plain have a different taste in clothing altogether.  A dress that I just love, she doesn't think looks good.  And it's not that she is feeling like I personally would not look good in it, it's just that she personally doesn't like it.  So what will happen is, I might go to put something on, and I can tell that she doesn't like it, so I find myself putting it back in the closet, or not buying it, because I have learned to trust her in being my stylist in this journey.  But in doing so, I have actually caused myself a problem.  A problem of assuming, that if she doesn't like something, it means she thinks I shouldn't wear it because I am trans.  I don't think of myself enough as a fellow woman, that simply has differing tastes in clothing.  I am trying my hardest to develop my own personal confidence to a place where I can recognize that we just have different tastes, and it's not her telling me I wouldn't look good in that just because I am trans.  But my mind plays these crazy tricks on me, and makes me end up not dressing the way I truly want to, and the way that truly makes me happy, because I'm so paranoid that she is going to be uncomfortable being around me.  If I could continuously remember that a differing taste in style and clothing, does not equate to that I have the body of a man, and should not be seen in that, I would be so much better off!  If she was too embarrassed to be seen with me in women's clothing, then she wouldn't actually suggest that I wear some of the things she suggests I wear in public.

  Speaking of that....I got my very first affirming comment while in "girl mode" at an event the other night.  My wife and I were at this women's poetry slam, and my wife saw a woman she knows.  The lady spotted my wife as well, so she came over and said hi, and without hesitation, she looked at me and said "Oh is this your wife?"  I about had a heart attack!  That was the first time I had actually been referred to in that manner.  I get so used to always being called "Sir" even when I am very much wearing girls clothes and pink ear rings and things.  So it was so incredibly nice, to have her say that, and not even question it.  And I mean, it's very obvious I am not a cis female.  So you know she is trans aware.  My current profile pic was taken that night.  I'm 6'1" and 168 pounds.  But it sure made my night!

  Also......before we left this event, both my wife and I had to use the restroom......So we walk back toward where the "gender specific" restrooms were in this place, and all of a sudden it hits me "Crap! I don't know which one to go in!"  So I stopped in the hallway and said to my wife "Ummm....What now?" as I looked at the mens restroom, right next to me, but here I am wearing a dress with long hair, yet still looking like a man, and totally unsure of what the right thing to do is.  Get funny looks in the mens restroom, or get funny looks in the womens and possibly have a "scene" ensue?  So my wife just says "You come in here with me, duh!"  Okay.......so I followed her into the women's restroom, and went, and then washed my hands and we left, with no issues.  There were some other women in there at the time, but I didn't make eye contact with any of them.  AHHHHH!!! Such a crazy thing to have to worry about and deal with!  I am a female dang it! I should just feel completely comfortable and as if I just belong in there, but a lifetime of being programmed that I am a boy, and need to use the one with the urinals, has me all flipped out and weird. 

Hi LaRell, those aha! moments will come more often as you go along and start to get the drift of being female in this society.  Each one is a learning experience and there will be "Oh Yes!" aha's and "OH No!" aha's.  Expect to notice more as you progress.  Most are a lot of fun.
     Wive's can be very helpful but note that the being helpful can become setting a pecking order pretty quickly if it seems you are getting too independent.  Mine made it very clear, in not so many words, that she was the girl around here, so be sensitive to her subtle coaching method and yield to her input if she seems to be losing patience with you.  May help hold things together a bit longer.  It took a while for me to establish my own style, partly because I do have somewhat different tastes, but also because finding things that fit me the way I wanted was a little harder than my wife even though we are generally the same size,  Now my wife kind of knows my tastes and I know what styles look best and what brands/stores seem to have clothes that fit me best.
     Great that you were greeted in that way by a friend of your wife, especially that your wife seemed to be cool with it if I read correctly.  It's a little thing but we all put up with so much that a small kindness just makes our day.  Enjoy!  Toni

Quote from: Toni on January 24, 2018, 05:30:43 PM
Great that you were greeted in that way by a friend of your wife, especially that your wife seemed to be cool with it if I read correctly.  It's a little thing but we all put up with so much that a small kindness just makes our day.  Enjoy!  Toni

  Oh yes, my wife was very cool with it.  She NEVER refers to me as her "husband" or "He" anytime we are out even when I am in boy mode.  She always calls me her "spouse" or uses my name, or she will refer to me in some other non gender specific term.  It's great that she is so supportive that way!

  And yes! I totally get what you mean about your wife being the girl around here!  I fit in some of my wifes jeans better than she does, and that bothers her.  Going shopping either in a store or online proves to have complications I had not foreseen.....  Sometimes there will be a certain clothing item that we are both drawn to.  And luckily we both pretty much wear the same size clothes too, so we could buy it and share it, but that brings on its own issues.  Also, I feel really bad because there have been a couple times where I bought a clothing item for myself on ebay or something, and when it came, she opened the package, and asked "Oh did you buy this for me?"  And it's a rather uncomfortable position to be put in, to have to say "Ummm....actually no.  I bought that for me."  And then she gets disappointed and visually sad and puts it back in the package.  And I'm standing there smacking myself for not ordering her something as well.  As a guy, I could have ordered guy clothing for myself online, and that would never be a problem at all.  But having two girls in the same house, and trying to replace ones wardrobe can be tricky.  I would buy way more cute clothes I like online, if it weren't for the aforementioned issues.  ha ha.  So thank heaven she actually takes me to the thrift store now and then and helps me pick out a few new cute clothes.

About clothes...  I was married for 32 years and canned to the realization that I don't have to like at myself all night, she does.  If she doesn't like it then okay I don't wear/buy it.

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Quote from: Denise on January 24, 2018, 10:39:44 PM
About clothes...  I was married for 32 years and canned to the realization that I don't have to like at myself all night, she does.  If she doesn't like it then okay I don't wear/buy it.

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  Now that is very true!  I should think more about her having to be the one to look at me the whole time.  Although at the same time, I am trying to get away from this mode of conforming to how society would like to see me dressed, and trying to find the confidence to do what makes me comfortable and happy regardless of what others think.  So I need to figure out how to continue doing that, yet being sensitive to what makes my wife comfortable.

OK LaRell,
From your profile pic, it is not really totally obvious that you are part male. Relax, you make a pretty girl!

Quote from: Jin on January 25, 2018, 01:22:50 PM
OK LaRell,
From your profile pic, it is not really totally obvious that you are part male. Relax, you make a pretty girl!

  Ha ha.  Thank you so much!  Yeah, I am really recognizing that I need to get over that, and just accept that all women look different.  Some very cis women look quite manly.  But no one would tell them they can't wear a dress.  I am a woman, I just happen to have been born with bits that don't match how I feel.  Nothing more.  I should just be comfortable being me.  Just wish there weren't so many closed minded, dangerous, violent A-holes in the world.