Non-binary folks: How do you experience your gender identity?

Do you feel you have an essence of both male & female? Or neither? What does your gender feel like to you? How would you describe it & yourself?

Do you 'feel' strictly in-between? Or more like in the other end of the binary?

Are you equally annoyed to be referred to in female as male terms? (he, she, Mr. ma'am, girl, man, handsome, pretty etc. etc.)

I've never felt any connection to either traditional masculinity or femininity, or even been able to understand how someone could. I honestly believed that everyone else was just faking and going along with their assigned gender because it was easier until I hit college and discovered being agender is apparently a thing. Oops.

I don't consider myself in the middle of the spectrum so much as off the spectrum entirely.

I strongly prefer gender neutral pronouns/labels. However, I'm less bothered by masculine ones than feminine ones, just because I have a lot of trauma and negative associations surrounding being forced to behave in traditionally feminine ways by strict religious parents.

To me the feeling of gender feels similar to me not experiencing sexual attraction. As in not something my brain can fully understand what it's like. I still somewhat feel male (about 90 % I'd say). But now I'm on T and so my male side is mostly appeased; the agender side feels somewhat stronger and at the forefront. Some days I feel the need to be masculine but most others I feel the need to be feminine or/and look androgynous. Although by saying this doesn't mean nb is a fashion or political choice for me; I feel the need dress a certain way in order for me to feel comfortable within my agender identity; same as a binary trans guy feeling the need to dress masculine.  I've never felt female however and just thinking of myself that way feels completely wrong.

I don't feel like I'm on the gender spectrum at all although I'm on the trans spectrum ofc.

I used to feel that I was crazy for having these feelings because it seems so over complicated.  But the more I answer similar questions about being nb the more I realise these feelings of mixed gender are innate the exact same way as a binary gender is. To speak to a cis person who feels 100% their assigned gender it seems ludicrous to me that they feel that way; as I've never felt that. But I accept it because it's the social norm and what I've grown up to believe is faultlessly true.

I like words like dude, and guy or man  . They don't really bother me especially on my more male/masculine days. Handsome is good too. I like to describe myself as cute but if others described myself as that it makes it seem they see me as lesser; which I know isn't always the case.

I get dysphoric over male pronouns but female pronouns were 1000 X's worse to hear. I'd be much more comfortable with gender neutral pronouns.

I have considered using the gender neutral social title alternative here in the UK which is MX. But 1. Many various forms here don't even include it as on option which is infuriating 2. Many people probably can't pronounce it correctly 3. Sounds too close to 'miss' if pronounced as 'mix' and 3. It would out me and label be as 'other' or different. So I'm stuck using the sucky 'Mr' alternative

Quote from: Elis on December 15, 2017, 03:43:40 AM

Great answer, dude  .

I probably fit firmly in "gender fluid" - for me my gender identity feels more like it's on a sliding scale with "masculine" at one end and "feminine" at the other, and I'm somewhere in between. Some days that slider is further masculine, and some days it's further feminine.

I was born male, so that's where I tend to present, but I think a lot of that has to do with difficulties in coming out as non-cisgender at work. From a "how I feel" perspective, I probably average around 40/60 m/f.

For pronouns, I tend to prefer pronouns that match my appearance. I'd much rather have a gender neutral pronoun, but I'm not going to get too put out.

One thing I've had a hard time with is name. My birth name - David - is very "male", there really isn't a feminine version of it. (Sorry, but I feel that Davida is just terrible) So as a matter of blending in I've picked a feminine name to match when I do present female, but it's also created this idea of my gender identity as two separate identities in the same body. I don't feel that - I don't think of Dave and Sarah as being different - but to people outside my head, there's a certain sense of "who are you today?" Part of me thinks I should have picked a more androgenous female name - Chris, Alex, Pat, etc. but the only one of those I like is Alex, and we have a very good friend Alex, and that could have been weird.

But also, I've wondered if non-binary and gender fluid are who I am, or just steps on a journey from cisgendered to transgender.  My feminine side has always been there - I started closet cross dressing in middle school - but that slider seems to be inching more and more towards feminine. So who knows where I'll be in another 5 years.

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I'm genderfluid, more than 95% of the time I'm female, with an occasional male day. On those I usually wake up male and it switches back to female during the day. It's difficult to describe. I think it's more like I'm looking at, and reacting to things from a different perspective than any actual change. Does that make sense?

Hugs, Devlyn

Alot of the time I feel I have both male and female components simultaneously.

My male part is present in my more active thought, the female part is more present in emotional situations. When these two agree on things,  or one has no opinion life is fine. When they disagree I get very conflicted.

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My pre-therapy answer:

On 'normal' days, I seem to have both in me, or am just an ambiguous tomboy, or something. And then there are days where I'm a straight-up dude.

Post-therapy answer is TBD ;P

An interesting and tricky question, as usual Mr Wolf.

For me, my experiences are a little different - and a fair amount of juggling is involved.

Socially, the role and how I make relationships are quite simply girly. Happy to talk makeup, handbags, shoes and fashion (although that has landed me in trouble a few times). Wary and conscious of the masculine, and of male partners, I have to be very guarded about how the friendship is viewed (jealousy is such an ugly emotion) - very much part of the collective team, and happy to help out. I love cooking, and caring for my munchkins (all of them).

Culturally in work, I'm neither - I see both sides, and can quite literally translate from masculine to feminine and vice versa, the downside to this superpower is that I'm an outsider, I find the masculine side of the fence ok for shorter periods in comparison to the feminine, and I tend to run out of words, as I literally have to reframe everything I say so that it will be easily understood, and not be misunderstood (especially with new coworkers). When I'm looking after a team, that means gender isn't an issue, or an excuse.

Visible identity, I live in mannoflage. The clothes hide the body, and I will do as little as I can to meet the minimum standard to comply with dress codes, cultural or otherwise. I loathe the drab, and limited fabrics so I'm seen in the quintessential T and shorts for most of the year, as I can tolerate putting them on.

I am not out, because I need a social group, have huge anxiety issues and a couple of medically related phobias to boot (because of malpractice) - transition is impossible right now, without additional psychological trauma, that I really do not need. I feel so much of an outsider, I often refer to myself as the alien, and frequently need time out to regroup/gather myself back to try again.

I know that I am not male, and likewise not binary female. I know that my variety of presentation verbally and in body language means that folk struggle, but they of course don't know that I am struggling too.

I get through each day, no more, no less, ideally without having caused myself harm.

Consequently I have to be very careful about dressing, and makeup because they are the rainbow bridge, once crossed, my fate would be sealed. for me being invisible is far easier at the present time.

Rowan

Quote from: Sno on December 16, 2017, 03:44:44 PM
An interesting and tricky question, as usual Mr Wolf.

Well, that was a great answer, 

Quote from: Sno on December 16, 2017, 03:44:44 PM
Consequently I have to be very careful about dressing, and makeup because they are the rainbow bridge, once crossed, my fate would be sealed. for me being invisible is far easier at the present time.

Rowan

I really feel this - I went through a tectonic shift in my thinking thanks to a kind of mental breakdown a few years ago and since then I've been trying to live my life as a person of little consequence. I know that sounds pretty terrible, but trust me, it's the best decision I ever made for my mental health. (Being a kid that was constantly told that you'll grow up to be famous or rich or otherwise wildly successful sets you up for a lot of anxiety as an adult. big surprise!) For me, at least, that invisibility is freedom.

As a transmasculine person, it's funny because it's my very masculinity that's getting in the way of me... being more masculine. That side of me is utilitarian and practical to a fault, and those are the qualities that makes me doubt whether I should ever transition or just pursue crossdressing. The most practical thing, after all, would be to just maintain the status quo!

I think, to a large part, that my gender ID was something I did not want to think about, being the fatalist that I am. Who or what I felt on the inside was immaterial. You are a boy and boys do this, this this and... this. Even today it is a mere 20% or so of the totality of me.

Right now I think of myself as 75% male/25% female on the out side and 80% Female/20% male on the inside. I present "soft" male and androgynous for the most part.

As for me, I don't feel my male and female sides separated, it's united in something middle and what's good, it matches with my appearance.

Quote from: widdershins on December 15, 2017, 03:19:41 AM
I've never felt any connection to either traditional masculinity or femininity, or even been able to understand how someone could. I honestly believed that everyone else was just faking and going along with their assigned gender because it was easier until I hit college and discovered being agender is apparently a thing. Oops.

I don't consider myself in the middle of the spectrum so much as off the spectrum entirely.

Same here (I think.)

I generally present as female since I like "pretty."  Also soft and cuddly and gentle.  It's who I am by nature.  And since that's more acceptable for female people, it's just easier for me to say I "identify as female."  But I don't actually "identify" as any gender.  (I often don't even identify as human, perhaps because I spent my formative years treated as if I weren't.)  Gender is just this cultural mishegoss I have to navigate, along with all the other weird stuff that humans do.

Quote from: widdershins on December 15, 2017, 03:19:41 AM
I strongly prefer gender neutral pronouns/labels. However, I'm less bothered by masculine ones than feminine ones, just because I have a lot of trauma and negative associations surrounding being forced to behave in traditionally feminine ways by strict religious parents.

I prefer feminine pronouns/terms because I have a lot of trauma, etc., associated with being (unsuccessfully) forced to fit in as male.  Masculinity, especially anything that evokes the toxic masculinity of my childhood, just triggers me.

I don't object to gender neutral pronouns, but I'm old and too lazy to push them.

There's so many good, relatable, responses here! I could just have a huge quote as my response.....

My gender is a constant source of frustration, question, and curiosity. I was born a male, but have been conflicted with knowing and feeling female most of my life.

I'm currently trying to experience my gender as a blend of both, with more truthful and honest expressions of my feminine side in conjunction with my male side. It still feels awkward and sometimes like I don't really fit on either side of the fence, as basically I don't really "feel" male, but I'm not sure I could fully be female. Meaning, even though my head and heart say "girl", I don't know that my perception of myself jives with the thought of actual female presentation....

Still exploring, still learning, still understanding the best I can.....so for now, I'm playing in the middle going from there.

My gender is a bit of a sliding scale, but primarily masculine. I was born and present as a female, but usually only feel like a female around my period, so I'm pretty sure I'd identify exclusively as a male if I were to transition (not in my plans at the moment, but still a possibility down the road). I despise make-up, dresses, purses...basically all stereotypical girly things. Although I present as female, I tend to dress as gender-neutral as possible (cargo pants or jeans with t-shirts and sweatshirts most of the time). Most people assume I'm a butch lesbian, and I don't bother to correct them (I'm bi).

I prefer male pronouns, but since I still publicly present as female and have a 100% female name I have no problem being referred to as a female. I do love when customers call me "sir" by accident, though. 

Great topic!  For me I am somewhere between bigender and genderfluid so sometimes its a subtle shift across M and F, sometimes I feel like both, and sometimes the needle pegs hard to one side or the other. 

And every time I am in girl mode, it does not mean I'll feel like changing or altering my presentation just like every time I am in butch mode I do not need to dress up and try to look like a member of a motorcycle gang. (LOL)  First off, its not practical since I have a job and can't just show up presenting as a man for two weeks then come in one day as a woman in a dress (no matter how much I would love to).  Secondly, its not always necessary since the mental and emotional aspects, (which are a much bigger deal) remain.  On those days I enjoy feeling like a woman in a man's body - it has an almost James Bond feel to it.  Ha!  Thirdly, constantly changing presentation sounds exhausting but being able to do it now and then and on my own terms is wonderful and balancing for me. 

I feel like an androgynous demi boy with a soft feminine core. I'm not sure if my emotional expression will change on T. It could take years before I try T and I may not stay permanently on it. I'm thinking I'll just stay on it for the minimum amount of time required by bottom surgeons to perform bottom surgery. After that I will get some laser hair removal on my facial hair and eventually remove all my body hair. I will continue feminine body regimines and wear occasional makeup in appropriate settings. I go back and forth between male underwear and neutral conservative female underwear.

I feel as if when I am in conversations the element of gender is just something I don't concern myself with and I don't even think about until someone says something like, "But you're a girl" and then I sit for a moment and realize "Oh yea we still live in a binary". I am androgyne, and i personally just don't see gendered things at all, but sometimes I do things that intentionally blur the lines of the binary such as bind my chest but wear a skirt at the same time. The other day I wore some spray called "clean" (its a really good brand seriously it smells amazing and just like cool rain) and my dad asked me if I was wearing cologne and I said no, and then he asked if I was wearing perfume and I said no because the spray wasn't labeled as either and it has that blur I am talking about and I asked him what the difference between the two was and he said well boys normaly wear cologne and girls normally wear perfume and I said well isn't it all just spray that smells good? why do we have to coordinate our smells with our genitals and our gender and he didn't really have anything to say. I feel like in ways I am that spray, people are confused but also slightly curious by how I present and who I am And it's not that I don't feel gender, it's just that I am the blurred line between male and female.