I've been amazed at how much things have fallen into place.  I'm thinking some of you put here go through this at times.  I feel like I'm going to colors if I have to put even one more torture contraption on I will loose my mind.  I get intense rage and then essentially debilitating depression.  And then I get a call confirming an appointment with the surgeon and I feel whole thinking about when it's all going to be over.  And damn straight this old mislabeled Dyke will go toppless every chance (no pun intended) I get.

How do you all get the rage out about having to live so long not even knowing that there isn't anything wrong with you? 

What emotions have you had during the wait period?  How did you healthfully express the feelings?

Peace bro's


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I hope things go well and swiftly for you.

Quote from: chance on January 26, 2018, 11:21:51 PM
How do you all get the rage out about having to live so long not even knowing that there isn't anything wrong with you?

I don't.

I don't have a specific outlet for my rage regards wasted time. But I do have this - I know none of it was my fault. I did everything I could to try and figure my life each day of it, and apparently I wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer when it came to joining all the dots. But that's still not my fault. Have to let it go.

I was contending with a lot from a young age. Parents' divorce issues, drunk parents, my problems not being important to them, anxiety, depression, wishing for death, social neglect, a lack of any self image, withdrawal into self, possible autistic spectrum issues, abandonment issues. There's no way a child carrying all that would have put gender issues as their priority. I accept that. It couldn't be helped, it took me a long time to pull level with everyone else, before dealing with the extra burdens trans adds. I've always been playing life on hard mode in this sense, and never knew it.

There's a certain pride in that. I dealt with things that would mentally crush other people I know, and it's normality for me. It's for breakfast. 

That's how I deal with it. I have no fear of the things that used to terrify me now, my resolve and patience is a beast these days. That kid I was is unrecognizable now. I have an appetite for challenges of all kinds now.

I wasn't meant for a normal life, that much is something you just have to accept somewhere down the line and either try to get as close as possible to it or else embrace eccentricity, but at one point I just said to myself "so life is harder for me than other people will ever know or have to deal with. So what? That's the difficulty I play on." And I'm ok with that, I'll still play the game the way I want. I had to let go of the idea I should have had a normal life and will never have one. I was just too resentful otherwise. Also had to deal with the idea my parents don't care about me and saying they did was all lies... their continued actions speak louder than words. These things have taken a good 4 or 5 years to finally internalize.

QuoteWhat emotions have you had during the wait period?  How did you healthfully express the feelings?

Mostly expecting something to sabotage me or my transition along the way, and it hasn't all gone perfectly, but it's nothing catastrophic. Anger at certain people and things along the way - the lies I was told by some people, anger at biology and how it intersects with relationships, the realization how I see the world apparently isn't the same as most other people see it, and there's no way to truly know how they do experience it without a monkey on their back, and so on. Some aspects have been positive, so far I haven't had the sort of ordeal I expected with transition and health professionals. Some issues, sure, but I was expecting worse. Encouraged in some ways, but not being completely free to enjoy all aspects because I live with a partner who isn't jumping for joy that I was looking increasingly more like a man daily... when you know something you are looking forward to is going to be a blow to them makes it hard to celebrate anything without feeling like you're being a dick for doing so.

HRT straightened a lot of the kinks out, mentally.

I guess I had a few conversations with people down the line expressing my feelings about things that bother me, but nothing too open. Few of them are trans so they don't appreciate fully where I'm coming from. I don't have a large support network, it's fairly minimal, but I don't need it for this particular topic. I'm ok with where things are going, and the speed they are going, so it's fine. If I have something I want to express I'll express it to myself internally, mentally. I'll have an inner dialogue with myself about it and clarify the thoughts.

The only thing I have issue with is the health professionals and how they will handle the next stages. My confidence in them has been undermined in some ways, and that's something that's almost totally out of my hands, which is something I don't like. I don't have any way to express or deal with this other than through calm acceptance because I've done pretty much all I can at this point. But at least I'm dealing with a surgeon who a relative of mine has already been to and I heard no problems coming from that, so there's some good news.

I've been impatient in a sense, but this is something that is going to require it and I know that. I just distract myself with work, which there is always more than enough to worry about, and hobbies and plans. The nature of my work makes years feel like weeks to be honest, so I haven't struggled that much with the time when actually working.

I've known since childhood something was wrong with me. Started drinking alcohol at age 15. NOT a recommended self medicative process. Nothing good comes from that.

I've been sober since February 2010. No regrets. It was about that time I admitted to myself I'm a guy.

Now I think about transition as a journey. There are ups and downs, big heave waves and calm water. But I'm getting there.


Tony

Interesting question.

For those of us who experience rage - I don't know how frequent it is / most advocate doing something physical (exercise).

Or you can do what I did and set about destroying an endless series of furniture, temporarily getting yourself in a wheelchair and then rehabilitating after several fractures and chronic pain.

I understand what I did because I experienced such blind rage, I didn't know what else to do. As I started taking practical steps towards transition, and fighting for myself, the rage lessened.

+ do not place your happiness in other people's care if you can. Personally I took a few steps outside of the norm and everybodies comfort zone in order to transition. Think for yourself, inform yourself and then make decisions.

Anger is an emotion that tells you something has to change. It's very powerful - if you use it to get where you want to be, you'll be that much more driven.

I didn't understand back then and I wasn't aware of own situation for a long time.
Being aware of what you need and want is a huge plus.

Man, thank you so much guys.  Reading your replies has given me a different perspective on A LOT of stuff.  Not the least the fact that things have actually been going smooth.  I can be patient.  Until I posted I didn't really realize how much emotions I've been trying to keep down.  Got some good ideas of how to deal also and how not too deal [emoji846]Thanks again.  Peace


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My absolute best method of self medication during my rough times has been humour. Being able to laugh about my own misery and joke about how difficult it's been to handle it has been liberating. (This is why I have such dark humour). I've also used unhealthy ways as well, which I don't recommend, but I think would be good to admit anyway. I used to cut myself a lot, overdose on my meds, drink too much alcohol at once, starve myself, perhaps strangely enough also sex addiction (considering my bottom dysphoria I mean), and so on. I'm still feeling like I have so much waiting ahead of me, but I do handle it better these days. Now it's my waiting for bottom surgery.

I still use humour and occasionally drink but none of the other stuff. Well, arguably also the sex addiction but not nearly to the same degree of unhealthiness as before, but it still causes a big conflict in my mind. Among the actually healthy stuff except from humour I often write about both my frustration and about how hopeful I am about the future. I don't share most of those texts I write, I just write them for my own sake to get the thoughts and feelings better processed and out of me. I also talk to my therapist about how the waiting is affecting me to get some support from her, and I also talk some with my mother about it too.

Then I distract myself a lot too. Either by drawing, knitting, embroidery, sewing clothes, playing video games, watching youtube or getting into various political discourses online. Unfortunately I don't have the attention span/focus to watch movies or read books though, otherwise I would. My mind just goes somewhere else whenever I try, no matter how good the movie/book is.

Over all I feel quite stable now, and I know my mental health is a lot better these past 2 years or so compared to before when I was an utter mess, and I've been transitioning for the past 9 years. Have dealt with mental health issues much longer than that though, but for me handling my dysphoria and waiting times has also been intertwined with my other issues even though I've always known how to differentiate between them. So there's been a lot of downs and not that many ups for me. But I've come to appreciate the few ups much more as well as realised that I could change most of what wasn't working out in my life. I still have a lot of stuff to go through/process but I'm sure I'm well on my way in the right direction. Everything is relative though, my "feeling quite good and stable" might be someone else's "slippery slope to mental torment" for all I know. I've certainly never felt as good as I do now, but I also still have issues.

Quote from: SeptagonScars on January 27, 2018, 03:33:35 PM
My absolute best method of self medication during my rough times has been humour. Being able to laugh about my own misery and joke about how difficult it's been to handle it has been liberating. (This is why I have such dark humour). I've also used unhealthy ways as well, which I don't recommend, but I think would be good to admit anyway. I used to cut myself a lot, overdose on my meds, drink too much alcohol at once, starve myself, perhaps strangely enough also sex addiction (considering my bottom dysphoria I mean), and so on. I'm still feeling like I have so much waiting ahead of me, but I do handle it better these days. Now it's my waiting for bottom surgery.

I still use humour and occasionally drink but none of the other stuff. Well, arguably also the sex addiction but not nearly to the same degree of unhealthiness as before, but it still causes a big conflict in my mind. Among the actually healthy stuff except from humour I often write about both my frustration and about how hopeful I am about the future. I don't share most of those texts I write, I just write them for my own sake to get the thoughts and feelings better processed and out of me. I also talk to my therapist about how the waiting is affecting me to get some support from her, and I also talk some with my mother about it too.

Then I distract myself a lot too. Either by drawing, knitting, embroidery, sewing clothes, playing video games, watching youtube or getting into various political discourses online. Unfortunately I don't have the attention span/focus to watch movies or read books though, otherwise I would. My mind just goes somewhere else whenever I try, no matter how good the movie/book is.

Over all I feel quite stable now, and I know my mental health is a lot better these past 2 years or so compared to before when I was an utter mess, and I've been transitioning for the past 9 years. Have dealt with mental health issues much longer than that though, but for me handling my dysphoria and waiting times has also been intertwined with my other issues even though I've always known how to differentiate between them. So there's been a lot of downs and not that many ups for me. But I've come to appreciate the few ups much more as well as realised that I could change most of what wasn't working out in my life. I still have a lot of stuff to go through/process but I'm sure I'm well on my way in the right direction. Everything is relative though, my "feeling quite good and stable" might be someone else's "slippery slope to mental torment" for all I know. I've certainly never felt as good as I do now, but I also still have issues.

If you'd be willing to I'd love to see some of the humor you've used where in replies to someone or just thoughts you jotted down.   My family used humor throughout our family life of medical life threatening  illnesses and disorders.   Reading your post brings up my previous interest in attempting to create a cartoon to express my feelings.   Thank you so much for the much needed  reminder of how important humor is. 

Peace


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