This might get tmi but I'll try my best to keep it clean. It's not my forte.
I used to loathe my vagina throughout most of my life until I finally came to peace with her last year. Up until that point I couldn't stand looking at it, touch it or put anything inside. However, since I once liked penetration in my late teens, I kept trying to enjoy that again and again, but to no avail. It just made me hate it even more. My dysphoria was always fluctuating between bad and horrible with no good days, it was... nauseating. I was planning on getting ftm srs (meta, hysto, v-ectomy) during 2017, when I had just had thouroughly enough of it, after having been on and off about srs for about 7 years since coming out as ftm and learned about the options.
But as luck and fate would have it (okay, it was the surgeon's unreasonably long waiting list) those surgeries never happened. Cause about a year later, how I felt about my genitals changed, after I had decided to give them one final, last chance. Over a 2 months long time period I exposed myself to my genital dysphoria daily (with lots of self care), and treated my bad case of vaginal atrophy with topical estrogen and dilation, which eventually paid off. And oh my goodness, it paid off so well!
By then I no longer wanted any kind of srs. I became very protective of my vagina and I began to love it. And ever since then I've loved it, although it of course still has its annoying quirks. Especially since I went of T in my detransition and the (not so) monthly red alert is back again. And it brought cramps as well! But over all I've never enjoyed my own genitals this much before in my entire life, it's truly liberating and they're easily my favourite part of my body now, instead of my most hated.
As for my gender... honestly my newfound love for my genitals became such a drastic turn of events that it was what made me eventually want to detransition, as I quite unexpectedly (and both literally and figuratively) found a very direct canal to my own deeply buried and atrophied womanhood. But also, despite being openly detransitioning, I've come to understand that I don't truly regret having transitioned. I just re-identified, changed my style, and want my tits back. So I regret top surgery but I don't regret T although I wish I had taken it with the knowledge of myself that I have now.
My body is quite a puzzle of "this and that" gender-wise now, but I like it. To me my deep voice, facial hair, extra body hair, etc blend in so well together with my vagina, curvy body shape and small frame. My additional male traits look and feel so real and natural, it's as if I always had them somehow. I most definitely became attached to them. They're very comforting to me, both the parts I was born with and what T gave me. And like I wouldn't be me, or this comfortable, without all of that at once. The only thing on my body that feels and looks out of place to me, is my flat chest. That's my only source of dysphoria now, that I couldn't heal away. Perhaps that grief dug too deep. I can look at it, and touch it when I have to for showering and such, and go swimming without my breast forms, but I don't like the flat surface and I still feel that mental trauma in my lack of breasts. I really wouldn't mind having hairy tits after my reconstruction, but I dunno if my extra body hair will stick around much longer now without the T. I actually hope it will though.
I wasn't ever a trans man, I was always a woman; I just hated being one. Now I love being a woman and I love most of my androgynous body. I seem to be caught somewhere between cis and trans. Not really trans cause of being an afab woman, but not really cis either cause I'm quite happily transitioned with my male traits. The closest label I can find for myself these days is "dysphoric woman" which I'm pretty sure I snatched from radfem terminology.
But as I no longer pass as female irl, no matter how I dress, the treasure in my panties hides alongside my true gender.
