No I'm not leaving.

I got a report from my workplace that some people wanted clarification on my future work plans. I've been on sick leave for a long time as I try to recover from chemo, radio therapy and a laryngectomy. It has taken a long time to recover and I haven't. I may never.

Australians have what can be called a good health system and benefits. I have worked for 40 years and I had accumulated a years sick leave. That ran out and hence the questions of what am I going to do about returning to work? I still have this lovely benefit called long service leave which I think is uniquely Australian.

During my leave I tried to do some study and realised that my brain was still not recovered from radiation damage. I can't do my old job.

So today I went in and effectively resigned.

I still get benefits for some time but ....

I walked around my labs that I had created from scratch. Looked at the archives of papers written by myself and my students. Looked at the PhD Theses proudly lined up by successful students.

I was alone, fortunately. "My staff" had gone to a meeting. I saw a document on a colleagues desk, she had signed it as Head of Unit. Yes, she is and deserves it. It used to be me.

I remember walking into this office finding flowers on my desk from my staff on my first day at work as Cindy. This was the desk where Peter would rest his head and hope to die.
The ghosts of memories waft around my office teasing me.

I left.

I don't think that I shall return for any official farewells.

The past is the past and let it begone.

Time for another future.

I read and re-read this thinking about the rush of emotions... to stand in a room surrounded by a lifetime of career accomplishments and joy mixed with reminders of despair.  Stepping through decades as time stands still.  To have poured so much into this, knowing one of the discoveries you made in that laboratory triggered an innovation that has saved numerous children's lives and may cause an avalanche of breakthroughs in oncology (I did read some of the recent articles).  And then to calmly walk away as cherished moments and decisions are honored but constrained by a dimension that goes in only one direction: time. 

Yes, time for another future.  In some ways a continuation through determination and persistence, and in some aspects completely new with different aspirations.  In my relatively brief time at Susan's I have seen the energy you have poured into this community, knowing words chosen in some cases are literally a matter of life and death.  I see a pattern.  You strive to live and appreciate life the best way possible regardless of challenges, and not just for yourself.  You help build futures.

Give yourself a little time Cindy,

It's a big thing leaving something you've known and built up for 40 years, but from what you are telling us it seems about the right time for a change.
The experiences achievements you have accumulated will never leave you, I'm sure they'll be put to good use again once you have had some time to settle. Who knows what will inspire and motivate you in the future, to quote Douglas Adams again 'everything is connected'.
So heartfelt wishes for you and yours Cindy, whatever you choose to do I'll always remember the day you reached out and showed me a better path.

Peace and love and all that good stuff,

Sadie

Cindy, I can't relate but I love your story. I never held a job or position that would lead me to where you were/are. congratulations on having a job/career that not only was fulfilling but was a part of you and your life.

Cindy,
   I started reading your post dry eyed but didn't end that way. This is the definition of bitter sweet, I think. Your last line says it all.
Moni

Cindy,

This was a lovely post. I could feel your emotions while reading. It's great that you have such a great drive to move on and forget about the past, we can all learn from that.

Quote from: Cindy on February 07, 2018, 12:55:02 AM.
Time for another future.

I have certainly never done anything as auspicious as what you've accomplished, but I experienced the same feelings, to a lesser degree, when I left my last real job. I loved it there, and I believe I was loved in return. I shepherded the company through many changes and modernizations, was considered a wizard by those who didn't understand what I did (which was most of the company), and had so much fun doing it. But eventually burnout happened, and it was time to move on. I wandered the various buildings, offices, the server room I so lovingly assembled, and finally my office. My office. For me, the highest achievement was to be valued enough to have my own office. A small thing for most people, and possibly considered shallow by some, but after having held positions throughout my working life where I felt constantly disrespected, this marked the pinnacle of my career. I took pictures, and closed the door on that room and a chapter in my life. As far as I know, it stands empty to this day, 17 years later.

I won't bother to draw the obvious parallels to transitioning. I think everyone can see them.

So yes, Cindy, time for another future - back then, and now.

Thank you for what you've accomplished, and what is yet to come.


- Stephanie

Oh, Cindy!  That sounds like such a rough, bittersweet experience.

Your career has had a long and beautiful arc, punctuated by so many unexpected elements. Reading this will, I suspect, have many of us reflecting back on the unexpected trajectories our lives have all taken.

You are right to leave the past in the past.

"Time for another future."

Your future. May you find your joy in it, and triumph over all the unexpected twists that may lie ahead.

That is the challenge for each of us.

Be well.


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Cindy, a lifetime of accomplishments create an image in your mind of who you are.  But life changes daily and we are never the same person day after day.  Trying to live by the rule "learn something new everyday " keeps you renewed.
I know the pain you feel when you leave a profession that you have identified as your life.  Something you have left a mark on, your creation, your passion.
A friend told me that I lived too much in the past holding on to my professional identity and that it wasn't me any longer.  It is good to let go...... but honestly, if your coworkers want to celebrate your professional accomplishments, let them, with you.  They know who has steered them all these years and want to show they remember.

Wow, as somebody who has been in offices and worked in labs like the ones you built this really gets me.

As bittersweet as this parting may be it is important to look back and realize that despite fighting a horrific inner struggle, you've accomplished more than most of us can ever dream of.

You are one of the few scientists out there that can point to all of your students and say "They are making the world a better place because of what I did for them."

And most importantly of all, you can point to at least one of your developments and say "I made people's lives better."

You helped save the lives of countless children. 


The rest of us can only hope to achieve a fraction of your success.

I work at a university in a department like what you did, supporting technology. I have to admit that I never thought about their perspective much at all, vis a vis a career. Thank you for the insight, I appreciate it.


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I hope your new future includes sitting on a stool at the beach painting multi hued sunrise and sunsets or just about anything that suits your fancy.

I remember how happy you were there particularly when there would be a significant breakthrough in your research or one of your students did well and the excitement of teaching a new batch

I remember the excitement of when you'd get new equipment particularly that big analyzing machine and such

Your accomplishments are great and you are a very dear friend who is loved by many

Hats off and Hugs to you Sis 

Your post hit very close to the mix of emotions I experienced when I retired. As much as I enjoy life now, six years later a part of me still struggles to fill the emptiness  that came with the end of my career.

there is so much left to do . Breed mouse spiders

A hitchhikers guide to the galaxy

A friend of mine lives in Australia, and tells me they have a superior benefits system for folks with disabilities. From what he says, the USA can learn a lot from it.

I also know what it's like to walk into someplace where I've worked, as a visitor. Yes, it is odd.

I wish you all the best in your life. It sounds like you have a well grounded foundation to build the rest of your life upon.

Hi Cindy, I can't help but feel what a big romantic you are in your writing.  Yes, you will have some fond memories from your old life, but I see optimism in you looking toward the future.  It really seems to me like it's an ending of an old Hollywood movie where the future was always rose tinted and our lead actress would stoicly leave frame and enter her future.  This time you are that character and it's a good vision.

Bari Jo

Wow Cindy, what a wonderful share.  What a roller coaster of emotion you must have felt.  And you certainly conveyed those feeling very well in your post.  I certainly do feel for you.  Letting go of a career that you love is a very difficult thing to do. 

Dear Cindy.  I do understand what you felt, I just lost 40 years and everything created during that time.  The good thing for you is you have an undeniable legacy of compounding your successes through the students you have launched and will carry your spirit with them.  The greatest wish of a Zen master is that his students exceed his abilities, for then he knows he has done his job well.  It is not a loss, only a change.  Now you have the opportunity to move in completely new directions, should you choose to.  Take your time, something will come to you, and our hearts are with you in any case.  Toni